Author's Note:

Inspired by the likes of My Immortal and Brewdining Love...

A collaboration between Slythering Potter and White Rabbit Asylum...

This isn't strictly Harry Potter and Twilight, though those are at the forefront. As of now, we have four different fandoms thrown in here (Harry Potter, Twilight, Death Note, and Supernatural). There may be more in the future. To simplify things, we'll give a brief description of the important additional characters. Hopefully, this story is still enjoyable even without understanding all four fandoms.

Summary: A Mary Sue has infiltrated the world of Harry Potter and decides to combine it with Twilight. But something goes wrong, and four unwilling (and snarky) readers are drawn into the brave new world of magic, sparkles, and interactive narrators. The only way to escape? Defeat the Sue. Easier said than done.

Warnings (T-Rated): Making fun of Mary Sues, random instances of unintelligible writing, no fourth wall, slash, language, violence, some intentional OOC, parody, excessive references to Internet phenomenon, making fun of DA SPARKLES

Pairing(s): Edward Cullen/Mary Sue, Harry Potter/Mary Sue, Draco Malfoy/Mary Sue, Harry/Ginny, B/Edward Cullen, Edward/Bella, Dean/Various, Snape/Lily, Sam/B, Sam/Moaning Myrtle, Voldemort/Bellatrix, Voldemort/Quirrel (Go watch A Very Potter Musical. It's on youtube. Now. Seriously, we'll wait. This story will be here when you get back. Just go watch it.), Malfoy/Hermione, Ron/Hermione

Disclaimer: Neither of us own Harry Potter, Twilight, Death Note, or Supernatural. We do, however, own our original characters and places, as well as our ideas. Not that you would want them, but that's a disclaimer for you.

Now, without further ado...

Chapter One


Dean Winchester's day began unpleasant, then seemed to make up its mind to get worse.

He awoke with a splitting headache and the lingering taste of tequila in his mouth. Okay, that sucked, but it could be worse. Waking up tied to a chair surrounded by pagan gods who were intent upon having him for Christmas dinner was definitely worse. But finding himself alone led to the natural conclusion that the hangover was not even slightly worth it.

He checked under his pillow – maybe there was a note or a promise to call, or something – but found only a few pieces of lint. Getting out of bed, he accidentally stepped on one of the many empty jam jars which had rolled out from under his bed, and went crashing to the floor. Unable to think up any sort of known curse that quite covered that, he made up a few on the spot.

Downstairs, the coffee had the consistency of mud. And the taste wasn't far off, either.

Okay. It was fine. If he could deal with forty years of Hell, he could deal with some shitty coffee. At least the caffeine would clear away the headache.

As soon as this thought had crossed his mind, however, there were a few thuds from the stairs, and B hurtled into the room, screaming incoherently and jumping up and down so quickly that he barely seemed to touch the floor.

"Come on! I found it! I found it!"

And he was out of the room again.

Dean blinked and took another sip of coffee as he trailed out of the room. Over the past few years, he'd grown used to B's discoveries and hadn't much cared for any of them. (The strangest to date was probably the alligator with laser beam eyes. Dean tried not to reflect on that very often.)

He followed B's ecstatic shouts upstairs to the "reading sanctuary" (apparently calling it a library implied sharing, which L was highly opposed to) and found the rest of the household already assembled there. L was perched in front of the computer and did not look up as the door opened. B was screaming and spinning in circles in the corner. And at the center of it all, Sam sat hunched over in his chair, his head in his hands, radiating defeat.

"E tu, Sammy?"

Sam glanced up. He looked as if he'd endured unspeakable horrors since waking up that morning. "Couldn't help it. Had no choice. Save yourself."

"C'mon, Sammy!" B said, pausing in his jumping long enough to throw his arms around Sam's neck in what looked more like a chokehold than a hug. "You love this stuff and you know it!"

"Get off me."

B ignored this request. If anything, he tightened his hold. "Take a seat, Dean."

"Not until you tell me what's going on."

"Endurance test."

At this, there was a sharp intake of breath from around the room. This had just become serious business. Tension crackled in the air like a physical force. No one breathed. Far away, across miles of wilderness and rolling hills, a lonely goatherd paused in his daily routine, sensing that something – though he knew not what – was about to happen and change the very universe itself in unforeseen ways.

Dean took a step back towards the door. "No. No! We can't. I can't. Not again. My Immortal was bad enough, and then it was Brewdening Love, and…" He trailed off, feeling as though someone had just put an ice cube down the back of his shirt.

B frowned. "But you have to. L found a really good one."

"B-kun, do not try to blame this on me."

"I found I really good one. But L was very close by at the time."

L sighed and stirred a few more sugar cubes into his tea. Dean supposed that this was the same mentality that allowed fascist dictators to stay in power. No one wanted to be the one to speak up and risk getting shot. Or stabbed, knowing B.

Okay. He'd put up with forty years in Hell and been just fine. This wouldn't hurt. He could do this.

He took a deep breath. "What is this one?"

"It's called The Vampoife Dood Who Lifed."

"Oh God. Let me guess, Harry Potter meets Twilight meets stupid?"

B nodded and beamed. "Should we switch to script format?"

Dean: "Yeah, that's a— ah, here we go… much easier."

L: "Shall we begin?"

B: "Hell yes!"

The Vampoife Dood who Lifed

Chapt 1

Dean: "The author just... didn't care."

A/N Ola!

L: "I'll assume that was an attempt at bilingualism."

o i wrte a fafictin abou wat ould happen is combimed harry potter and twilight because they are major hotties and both so emo and hot amirite? iposted it her so you guyz can cee it and what would hapen thanks /\/\/\/\/

Dean: "So the general idea is that Harry Potter and Twilight – not Edward Cullen, Twilight – are hot emo guys and she wants to put them in a fanfic together."

B: "Oooh, slashy!"

Sam: "God help us."


B: "Hello, new friend! I'm sure that in future hours I will grow to hate you more than I already do! Cheers!"

Mah name is Lilac Cretan Rosetta Veron

Dean: "All these characters must have terrible parents to give them names like that."

and I haz

B: "I can has a cheeseburger?"

long luxorius white bwond hair

Sam: "I'll translate: platinum blonde."

and really gorgmous spargnsdlin

L: "That is... the farthest thing from an intelligible word I have ever seen."

blu orbs

Dean: "Is that... eyes?"

Sam: "Let's not jump to conclusions.

and palish skin but it haz like…

L: "In coming years, this will become almost as famous at "The Jabberwocky" for its inventive use of the English language."

Sam: "Don't bet on it."

goldey dust alls over it and kinda sparkles in de son!

B: "Only Edward Cullen can sparkle and get away with it, you copycat bitch!"

Sam: "Dude, calm d—"

B: "I cannot calm down! Edward Cullen is the hottest... the prettiest... the most perfect-"

Dean: "Oh, gag me."

Mah's a wittle shorter than avereage…. Bwat it makes mah look cutness!

Dean: "Never mind.

So i iz

B: (shouting at the sky) "LOLCATS!"

gonna go ta Howgarts tomarrow (I iz 17, but mah iz exchanging scoools)

Dean: "Wait - what? She's changing schools and going to a magical wizarding school that probably should have noticed she had 'magical' potential when she was eleven?"

B: "Maybe she went to Pigfarts before."

. I amz

Sam: "No... more... z's..."

a witch

Dean: "Burn the witch!"

and part elfish (hense de beauty~!) mah famili dyed

Sam: "What color?"

and so I haz to go with mah weally mean cosin.

L: "I'm certain no one has heard this immensely original plot twist before."

She's da jserk! But I'm speshal! I magic! :-P

Dean: "Please tell me this person won't be allowed to reproduce."

So. I iz going to bed. To Wakey de nex morning early! BYEBEYEBYEBYEBEY

B: "...Bye?"

I wokes up. Sleepy wazn't really good. Tooo exsited for the on comin day! I desided to wear somthin cute…...

Sam: "I'm surprised."

A whit tee that says AnGELS!

B: "Do not want."

On it in pretty sparkley leatters

Dean: "Sparkles... because that makes everything better!"

and a light blu skort that has frilly stuff on it and a jean jaqet.

Dean: "Because we all care, right?"

I walked out of mah room to da maine livin room ta see de rest of mah famile dere.

L: "The family which... died?"

mah aount and oncle

B: "Wait... her what...?"

waz in ze kichten

Dean: "She's French now?"

maken some sort of breakfast

L: "Thank goodness there are no specifics... I shudder to think how this author would spell something like 'bacon and eggs'."

dat smeeled reeeely good. But my stoopid wealy mean cosine…. KATE!111!11

Sam: "What about her...?"

She loked up from de cooch

B: "From the... what?"

and glared at mah! :O!fjskal;!

L: "It's like she suffered from an epileptic fit and forgot to delete it."

"Waht do u wantz?" I aked annooiyed

B: "Wow, Sammy, she sounds almost as bitchy as you!"

She dint repaly but rowled her eyez and wooked back at de TV.

Sam: "Best character so far, hands down."

I ignored her…

Sam: "Because of course, anyone who doesn't like you must not be worthy of your attention, right?"

shes alwaz roood!and den…...

B: "So... suspenseful!"

we had Brakefast!

Sam: "Wow... not worth it."

It waz goood… den I waz back upstares to pack!

L: "This seems like one of those things you should have done... last night?"


Dean: "Not as much as you think."

A/N: so thats sf fyst chaptr!1

Sam: "You use that term loosely."

i hop you like and everetthing

B: "You 'hop' that, do you?"

mwah leave nic reviews1!

Dean: "No."