It's not like I asked to be born and it would be lying to say I wasn't a mistake. Because I obviously was, I can't ignore the fact that I had killed my mother Bella and tortured my father Edward by my very existence. I often wonder how it would have been if my mother would have remained human, what life would be like had I not killed her.
Bella hates when I say things that "suggest" I'd killed her and I always reply with "mom look at the facts, I did kill you" and Edward usually just mumbles something and walks away annoyed by my constant guilt.
I am happy and I love my family, I just can't digest the fact that I had changed the entire dynamic of my family the humans and the vampires even the werewolves which I consider to be my family as well. I think all I really want is for my family to acknowledge the fact that I am not some miracle child or some sort of blessing from the Gods, but rather some sort of omen or freak of nature, ok maybe not an omen but freak of nature yes.
My combativeness about my existence has always been a thorn in my best friend Jacobs's side. Every time I bring up the fact that I wasn't meant to be here, he always replies with Nessie you have no idea how special you are, how important you're life is to all of us. I would argue that statement with that fact that I didn't see why I was here what purpose did I serve and he'd reply with Trust me Ness, you serve a major purpose, you don't see it now but just please trust me.
And I do trust Jacob, with every fiber of my body, but I know he hasn't got a clue what my purpose is.
Sometimes I feel guilty or ungrateful, I have family and friends who love and cherish the ground I walk on but I can't let go of the fact that I somehow don't deserve the attention. Bella blames my self loathing on my father, saying that other than him I am the most self depreciating person she'd ever known.
"And yet I sit here talking to you" Bella nearly snapped.
"You know what I mean Mom! Don't you ever wonder? Doesn't it ever cross your mind?" I said pulling out the chair in our kitchen to sit beside her.
"No, Renesmee I don't! This is what I wanted. Your father and you, why is that so hard for you to understand? I might be dead technically but I am much more alive now than I was when I was human and that is in most part because of you"
"It's crazy" I mumbled under my breath, which was pointless, with her vampire senses she heard me just as if I yelled it from the roof top.
"Renesmee is it crazy to follow your heart? Whether you believe me or not I'd made the decision to become a vampire well before you were born, well before we thought it was possible you could even exist. Don't you see? You just made becoming immortal that much more… appealing, it wasn't because I didn't have a choice, I had a choice and I chose you. I wanted this more than you could ever imagine" she was holding my hand her skin ice cold molding into mine.
Looking into her golden brown eyes I marveled at how beautiful my mother is and I am proud that I have her dark brown eyes and rosy red cheeks from when she was human, which are probably the only physical feature, my face shares with hers. My mother is especially beautiful when she and my father go out together. Alice made it sort of an unspoken rule that my mother had to at least dress "properly" on date nights, if it were up to my mother an old t-shirt and some dark blue jeans would suffice.
I sighed. "Sure sure" I said skeptically
She shook her head obviously frustrated with me and this conversation. "What am I going to do with you?" she said as she stood up and kissed me on the forehead, which sent a chill through my body her skin frigid compared to mine.
"I don't know, but I'm leaving in a few if that helps" I laughed as I stood up.
"Oh, is that so?" She said with one eyebrow raised. "I hope this is you asking me and not telling me" she smiled.
"Yea sorry, it's with Jake I figured you wouldn't care"
From the corner of my eye I saw her stiffen, before relaxing again.
"Oh, you're seeing Jake again …tonight? Weren't you with him all morning?"
I looked at her wondering why this was a problem all of a sudden.
"Yea, I didn't realize there was a time limit?" I said this with confusion not with attitude. My mom walked over to the sink and ran the water over the lettuce for the salad she was making for my grandpa Charlie.
"I just think you two are spending a lot of time with one another"
"He's my best friend mom? That's what best friends do they hang out. Like you and Aunt Alice?"
She turned around to look me in the eyes. "That's different Renesmee"
"How?" I said, my voice rising slightly. "No, actually it's exactly the same come to think of it."
She sighed as she walked to the fridge pausing before opening it. "Renesmee"
"Yes?" I waited patiently to see where this was going with this.
"Nothing, your right"
Something about the way she was acting didn't sit well with me, I always knew when something was wrong with my mom besides Jacob; my parents were my best friends so for the most part I knew what triggered them.
"Mom, seriously, what's wrong?"
She looked up at me sighing before smiling. "No it's nothing; your grandpa is coming over tonight and I thought you would be here. It's no big deal. Go have fun with Jake"
This excuse was a bad one even for her standards but I let it go, obviously it was not important enough to start an argument over.
"Are you sure? I mean, me and Jake can stay here?"
She smiled as she placed a piece of my hair that had fallen from my ponytail behind my ear. "No, its fine" she took a step back touching both sides of my face as if she were studying my features "Why don't you wear your hair down? You always have it in that messy ponytail"
"You're starting to sound like Aunt Alice, Mom" I joked. She made a face like I'd just called her a bad name.
"What I meant is that your so beautiful Renesmee, I just wish I could see your hair! It's so long and curly but you couldn't tell with the way you wear it"
"Yea, I'm limiting you to only four days a week with Aunt Alice now"
"Ha ha ha" There were three quick thuds at the door and I immediately knew who it was.
"Coming" I called out, as I walked away I heard my mom sigh. I'd get to the bottom of her problem sometime this week, I was determined.
I opened the door and there Jacob stood; shirtless and sweaty. Jacob was the furthest thing away from an average looking person, but it always frustrated me when he showed up without a shirt, even though nothing about it was bad on the eyes; he knew how much it annoyed my father.
"Seriously do we have to go through this every time?" I asked blasé as I turned around walking towards the living room.
"Sorry Ness I phased" he said casually as he walked in closing the door behind him "Hey at least I'm wearing pants" he joked.
"Hardy Har" I said sarcastically. "I'm going to my room to get you a shirt before my dad sees you I think I still have your brown hoodie up there I'll be right back" I quickly ran up the stairs using my vampire speed. I opened three drawers. No hoodie. I dug in my walk through closet –courtesy of my aunts Alice and Rosalie- not a trace of this hoodie. As I knelt under my bed in search of this apparently non existent hoodie I heard muffled voices coming from down stairs.
On all fours I pressed my ear to my dark hard wood floor trying to decipher who was saying what. At first it was completely intangible to hear what was being said, because on top of it being muffled the voices that were -obviously my moms and Jacob's- were whispering as well. Making me just that much more curious as to what was being said.
My instinct was to tip toe to the top of the steps so I could definitely hear better but I knew my mother would hear, smell, feel… just simply sense me there. So I stayed put hoping I could sift through the grumblings and produce a complete coherent sentence or at least combine bits and pieces.
Sounding upset, I finally heard my mother's voice raise an octave as she said what sounded like Renesmee is almost 18 she needs to know. What did I need to know? Before I could process that thought I heard Jacob's husky voice and he definitely said Bella I know, I just want to make sure she will completely understand.
Understand what? What were they keeping from me? Why can't they just tell me? What could possibly be… my thought was interrupted by someone clearing their throat in my door way "Is everything ok love?" my dad asked with sheer curiosity and concern in his voice.
I popped up, knees still on the floor "Oh hey dad, I was just…" I paused I knew I had to stick as close to the truth as possible, that is always the best way to get through a lie. Over the years I'd perfected my ability to control my thoughts so that my father couldn't read the validity of them. Other than showing people my thoughts, I considered me being capable of falsifying my thoughts as a second ability. Sometimes I was a pro and sometimes I would have small slip ups, but never on the important things.
I stuck my head back under the bed "looking for Jacobs hoodie" miraculously the hoodie was there hidden under some books I'd run out of space for so I opted to put them under my bed which were scattered in every direction. "He is down stairs with mom"
"Ok, but I was referring to the fact that you are confused about something, who are they?" he asked as he stepped into my room. He had read my thoughts, whether it was on purpose or he was just walking by and heard my ranting; this got so annoying at times.
"They…? Oh" I laughed trying to play it off. If I could manage not to think about my mom or Jacob I could easily get out of this one. Unlike my mother I found it very easy to lie, I am not saying it is one of my best qualities but having a mind reader for a father is tough; a teenage girl has to think of ways to have some things to her self, I preferred to keep the truth to myself sometimes especially when it involved my own sanity.
"It's nothing Dad…really… I think a couple of my friends at school are trying to throw me a surprise party… but I am not sure. Everyone has been acting really weird around me and it's making me uncomfortable. So I am hoping it's a party because I can't understand why everyone has been acting so distant the past couple of days"
My dad looked at me, it felt like an eternity before he spoke again and then finally he smiled my mother's favorite crooked smile. "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Your friends love you, I doubt that they don't have anything under their sleeves for you" he walked over to kiss me on the forehead before exiting my room.
As I watched him walk out, I turned around still on the ground placing my back against the side of my bed. I hated lying to my father but it was necessary. I don't want my father tipping off my mom that I knew she and Jacob were talking about me. I wanted to catch her off guard. I wanted to catch Jacob off guard since he was obviously the one who was keeping something from me.
I finally got up; hoodie in hand. I made an obvious effort to clear my throat before I walked into the kitchen, making my presence known. I felt no need to rush getting the truth I wanted to play with Jacob's mind before going in for the kill.
"Hey, about time" Jacob said as he reached for the hoodie. I walked past him ignoring his hand and dropping the hoodie on the table. He stood there with his hand still extended. "Ok, what's wrong with you?" he asked confused.
"Nothing" I lied. I saw his eyebrows perch together. Good.
I grabbed my sweater off the back of the kitchen chair and put it on as I walked past Jacob towards the front door "Bye Mom" I yelled back. I knew this scene would cause both of them to wonder why I was acting this way.
I was almost to the trail when suddenly I could sense Jacob directly behind me.
"Ok, talk to me" he said grabbing my elbow trying to force me to stop walking. I yanked my arm away and continued to walk.
"Talk to you about what" I said flatly increasing my pace slightly.
"About what just happened back there?"
"I don't know what you are talking about Jacob" I said formally. It surprised me but he was trying to conceal a snicker. This upset me, I wasn't trying to be funny, I was trying to make his wheels turn; make him beg me to tell him what was wrong. This was amusing?
"What's so funny?" I said angrily; my walking stopping abruptly.
"I'm Jacob now?" he was still trying to hold in laughter. I was confused; I just looked at him waiting for him to continue.
"No Jake or Jakey. Just Jacob, that's usually what you say when you are mad" he mused "but since you say you're not mad I was just a little thrown off that you called me Jacob. That's all."
I shrugged and continued walking. "Ness, seriously what's wrong with you?" he asked, his tone serious now. He grabbed my arm and this time I did stop.
"You tell me?" I snapped
"I have no clue, one second you're fine and the next…"
I interrupted him.
"Well one second you tell me everything and we have no secrets and the next…" I stopped then; folding my arms against my chest. I could see comprehension take over his features.
"Oh" was all he could say. Oh, was his brilliant response? I shook my head and walked away, for a moment Jacob did not follow me which was unexpected.
"Nessie" he finally yelled out "let me explain"
I turned around waiting impatiently. As he stood before me, his face was unreadable.
"So you heard me and Bella?" he asked looking like a sad puppy no pun intended.
"What are you afraid to tell me Jake? What don't you think I'll understand? We tell each other everything, it can't be that big of a deal"
He looked at me for a moment, this moment felt like it was soon becoming a century. As I realized he had no response I slowly began to worry. What if it was something serious, like he was leaving Washington or worse what if he was dying and couldn't bare to tell me. At that thought I felt tightness in my throat, heat rise to my face and suddenly my eyes began to water.
"Nessie…Stop, why are you…don't cry" he said almost in shock as he pulled me into his warm chest.
"You don't have to cry, its ok I promise" he whispered, his chin rested on top of my head.
"Then why can't you tell me?" I said trying to conceal sniffling, my voice sounding muffled from being pressed so tightly to his chest. I was already embarrassed that I'd actually started crying but the thought of having a life without Jacob in it was unbearable and since he wouldn't tell me what was wrong I had every right to assume the worst.
"Because Ness, I don't know if you can handle what I have to tell you…well not now at least" his voice was obviously concerned.
"Jake please tell me you aren't dying or something" my face still pressed against his chest, I started to cry harder falling even deeper into misery. He grabbed my arms immediately and removed me from his chest, the look of shock on his face.
"What! No! Ness, I'm not dying!" he yelled out in total surprise.
I looked at him blinking the tears out rapidly trying to comprehend.
"Your not…? Then what is it?" I wiped some tears away on the sleeve of my sweater.
"Wow, you overreact just like your mom!" he said, with a little more amusement in his voice. I wiggled myself out of his hold, punched him in the arm and started walking away.
"Ness, I'm sorry" he caught up to me "wait" his voice was eager. I was completely embarrassed; maybe guilt from making me cry would make him tell me the truth.
"Ok" he said before taking a deep breath. "I love you"
I already knew this; his eyes were cautious and serious as he said the words.
"Ok…? I love you too Jake…I…" he interrupted me before I could finish
"No, Ness, just listen" he moved a step closer to me "I love you so much and I don't want this to scare you"
Afraid to interrupt I just looked at him…waiting.
"Do you remember when I told you about, Clare, Emily and my sister?"
I had to have been at least eleven or twelve when he'd told me this story. I must have had a confused look on my face because instead of waiting for me to remember and respond; he started talking again.
"How they are all imprinted on" he said abruptly as if he were irritated.
"Yea…yes I remember?" I said confusingly.
"And you remember how you asked me if I was ever going to imprint?"
"Yes…you didn't answer me because you said you had to get me home because Edward was acting like a crazy overprotective psycho Dad?"
He snickered at this slightly but his eyes were still serious. A moment passed before he spoke again, taking another deep breath before hand.
"Well, I've imprinted"
"Oh" was all I could say, was he worried that I would be upset about him imprinting on someone? Honestly, I did feel this certain twinge of jealously that surprised me. Who was this girl that would be taking Jacob from me? My stomach felt uneasy, Jacob was right about holding off telling me, my face became hot so I knew my cheeks were now flushing red. I didn't like that fact that Jacob would be spending all of his time with this…stranger.
"Well" I said trying to sound supportive. "That's… that's great Jake…umm who…" I stopped myself mid sentence. When I realized how intensely Jacob was looking into my eyes, how close he was standing to me, how my mom had reacted earlier about us spending so much time together, how he'd started this conversation off with…I love you. Finally I understood. All at once it came together like an intricate puzzle; spending months putting all the pieces into the right places. How dumb of me to be so clueless. Jacob had imprinted on me? When? How? Why? All these questions I had.
"Oh" I said in astonishment. I tried to put a coherent sentence together to no avail. "Jake …I …but…you…when…" he interrupted my rambling.
"Since the second I laid eyes on you, Nessie I've loved you since day one"
I was speechless, what was I suppose to say? The man who I'd known to be my best friend was telling me that we were predestined to be together.
I never thought about Jacob in that way. I'd always felt protective of him and protected by him and safe with him and loved by him at ease and comfortable with him never wanting to part from him when we said our daily goodbyes and longing for him during restless nights wanting him by my side…
My thoughts suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks; subconsciously I've known all a long. I couldn't take being away from Jacob, I'd always felt this hollow insecure loneliness when we were apart that always seemed to vanish when we saw each other again.
How could I have been slow blind? Blind of what was standing right there in front of me.
"Nessie" Jacob said sounding defeated "This is why I didn't think you were ready to know, I didn't want to scare you"
I was confused as to what he was referring to, and then I realized all of my thoughts that were frantically running through my head none of which I verbalized. I must have gone for minutes without speaking.
"No, Jake, it's not that… I am just trying to understand everything…I'm not scared"
"Your not?" he said surprised.
"No" I said unsurely "I think… I think I've always sort have known I guess"
He looked at me; flabbergasted I'm sure this wasn't something he was expecting me to say.
"You knew? How did you know?"
"Well, I didn't know exactly… per say… but I do know that I can't stand to be away from you and that I couldn't live with out you and that…" he took a step closer leaning down; his sweet hot breath tickling my skin his lips but centimeters away from mine, I felt my blood pulsate through my body, my heart beat sped at a rapid pace I still managed to finish my sentence "and…that I love you…" his lips were suddenly pressed against mine muffling the last word.
Every nerve in my body felt like it was set a blaze. I wanted Jacob so badly in that moment, I never wanted us to disconnect from this very moment ever. He grabbed both sides of my face with his big hot hands holding me in place. Then his hands slid from my face to my neck, my neck to my shoulders, my shoulders to my waist. The passion that rippled through my body to his and vice versa was so intense that we were a little off balance; shuffling backward until I suddenly felt my back slam against a bark of a tree. Ow I thought to myself but it didn't matter, I was too focused.
"Sorry" he whispered breathlessly, his lips still connected to mine. At this moment I didn't have enough working brain cells to say any actual words back, "Mmm hmmm" was all I could manage; not daring to dislodge my tongue from his supple mouth. Jacob's body was pressed against mine the heat radiating; making me feel almost euphoric. I wanted him closer; I wanted to feel him on every inch of my body. My hands were tangled in his hair; I moved them from his hair to his back just beneath his shoulder blades using all of my vampire strength to squeeze him tighter to my body.
Jacob's hands were everywhere and I loved every moment of it, it was hard to think that just ten minutes ago he was just Jake my best friend and now he was my Jacob my everything.
Jacob suddenly had his hands under my shirt caressing my back up and down, our breathing both became heavier and uneven. He unlatched my bra, and then moved his hands to the front of my body caressing my breast under my shirt, I moaned in pure pleasure. I'd never done anything like this with a boy before but with Jacob it felt so natural. I moved my hands from behind him and unzipped his hoodie exposing his perfectly sculpted chest I ran my hands down his six pack, firm and rock hard; blindingly I began looking for his belt buckle, fumbling with its latch.
Suddenly Jacob froze and moved his body away from mine; grabbing my hands that were desperately trying to unbuckle his pants.
"What?" I said breathlessly, confusion taking over my senses.
"Ness, we can't do this…not now" his words were breathless as well also wavering like he didn't want to follow his own words.
"But, I thought…"
"I'm sorry this is my fault but there is a lot to discuss before we can…" he stopped, taking two more steps back releasing my hands that had been trying to undo his pants.
"Jake, I'm sorry what did I do wrong?"
"Ness, no, you didn't do anything wrong… there should just be an order to this that we follow, I don't want to mess this up" he stood there not looking me in the eyes.
"Mess what up? You told me about imprinting its predestined nothing can change that"
Jacob finally looked at me; I could see he wasn't going to budge.
"Just trust me on this ok? It's better for you if you just get use to the idea; everyone's had a while to adjust to this and you…" he stopped speaking abruptly him obviously noticing the look on my face.
"Everyone? My family knows about this! Not just my mom?" It upset me to have not been in on it; all the humans, vampires, werewolves knew about my life except me.
"I can't believe this" I said upset at the fact that I'd been so oblivious towards my whole life and everyone knew about it. I wondered how my father felt about this, and then I realized something.
"Oh, I see" I said fastening my bra as I walked past Jacob.
"You see what?" he asked following me pace for pace.
"We didn't do anything now because you're afraid of my father"
It sounded as if Jacob gasped for air he spun me around so quickly I felt slightly dizzy.
"I am not afraid of your father" Jacob said this so intently and seriously; emphasizing each word. I was scared not to believe him.
"Ok" I said yanking my arm from out of his grip "What I mean is that you let him get in your head" I looked in Jacob's eyes, they were still burning mad; my comment really offended him.
"Come on Jacob, you just said it has to be an order to this? Seriously…? Those sound like words directly from my father's mouth. Just admit it… he got to you"
Jacob stood there as if he were contemplating what I said. He sighed heavily.
"Ok" he conceded "I may have had a talk with him, but I'm not afraid of your father. This is out of respect for you"
I nodded but wondered how this was respecting me, his rejection actual felt disrespectful.
"Ok… well now what" I asked letting out a heavy sigh. Jacob thought about this for a moment. Then a smile beamed across his face. "Well one more kiss wouldn't hurt" he whispered taking two slow steps closer to me placing one hand and my cheek.
"Would it?" he asked seductively, already lowering his lips towards mine.
"No" I managed to choke out; our lips once again moving in a rhythmic pattern matching our breathing or panting rather. It felt so right, so perfect. This new experience with Jacob felt all too familiar, like I was put here on this earth for this moment for him. Like we've had practice and had been doing this for years. At that moment I understood what Jacob had always meant when he said I had a purpose, I just didn't know it yet. My purpose was to be with him, to love him, to cherish every second with him.
I lost my sense of calm, wanting nothing more than to be connected to Jacob. Before I could go for his belt buckle again he stopped kissing me, holding my hands to my side. I sighed in defeat and he smiled.
"Nessie…" Jacob began.
"I know, I know" I interrupted "Order, right. Got it" I smiled sheepishly.
Jacob laughed at my reaction.
"I never knew you had it in you… so aggressive!" he joked.
I punched his shoulder as hard as I possibly could; trying to conceal my own laughter. He rubbed his arm in mock agony then grabbed my hand again. His smile vanished from his face, his features turned serious and he looked deep into my eyes.
"I love you Nessie"
"I love you too Jake"
At that moment that was everything my entire world needed to know. That was all that was important, nothing else mattered and nothing else could dim the light in my heart that shined for Jacob. He was mine and I his.