All This Anger Inside Me.
Summary. . . . . . . . . . . A short tag to Sam, Interrupted and the anger that lies within Sam.
Disclaimer. . . . . . . . . . Still belong to Kripkie, but I have a plan!
A.N. . . . . . . . . . Sorry about the wait for updates on When The Past, after breaking away from it to do Hope, and Black Holes, I'm now finding myself struggling to get back into it. In the mean time, Thursday nights episode was soooooo good I couldn't resist writing a tag for it. As always I hope that you enjoy, Peanut x
I don't know what's coming over me, but I know I don't like it. It burns within me, pulsing through my veins like acid, churning in my head like an erupting volcano, forcing thoughts to drift and meld together into one uncontrollable flow. Reasoning leaves me, control drifts away, and all I can see is fire, all I can feel is rage, all I want to do is release it. I strike, not caring about what's wrong, or right anymore, just seeing evil within the blackness, just hearing Lucifer's smooth and soothing voice above the roaring, just feeling the fury that has been building for so long, simmering and bubbling within me, waiting for the slightest crack within the thick walls I've been building, seizing it's chance now that those cracks have appeared, blurring all thoughts, all sights, all perception. I don't even realize I've disabled two orderlies, practically killing one with the force I shoved him into the window with, don't even realize that I've raised the scalpel ready to kill again, don't even realize I've lost control, don't even realize I've allowed the beast within me to break free, until Martin's terrified voice breaks through and I manage to shore up the cracks, restraining the beast back inside me.
I try to talk to Dean about it, try to tell him of the extreme anger that fills my every waking moment, but his solution of pushing it aside, forgetting about it and moving on, are not the answers I need to hear, instead they reek of the old Winchester ways I tried so hard to battle against, the old Winchester ways of sucking things up. I want to add more to the conversation, want to tell Dean of the things I saw and heard, but this new scared Dean is showing it's face again, and I hate that look, want so badly for it to be replaced by the cocky and confident face I'm more used to, the cocky and confident face that can stop all bullies and fix all my problems, the cocky and confident face that belonged to my hero, so when he asks "are you with me?" I back down once more and answer with an unconvincing "yes" before getting in the car.
We drive in silence. We stop at a bar and drink in silence. We eat in silence. We shower and prepare for bed in silence. And later I lie awake, waiting for daybreak in silence. I wish I could believe the words I said to Dean, but I'm unsure that I do. My thoughts are consumed by what I saw and heard, the words ticking over and over in my mind, and I can feel them eagerly fueling and stoking the fires within me once again.
"Barely even Human."
"It's not the demon blood Sam, it never was. The problem is you. It was always you. The lies, your arrogance, the black spot on your soul."
"Now we're all gonna die because of you."
"It's all your fault, you killed us all."
"Evil son of a bitch."
I jam my head into the pillow, trying to suffocate the images from my mind, and stop the fires from spreading, but it's no use, I can feel them building again, looking for that release, searching within my frame for that one little chink within the brick work that will allow it to escape once more and I know that when it finds it, I can do nothing to stop it, but I also know that I have to try. I don't know how, I don't know if I have the strength to, but I have to try and contain this fury, because if I don't the consequences do not bare thinking about.
A.N. . . . . . . . . . .I hope you liked, I know it was short, but was it sweet? Thank you so much for taking time out to read, catch you soon, Peanut x