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When everything was a mess
And everything was in place
And there's too much hurt
Sad, small, scared, alone
And everyone's a cynic
And it's hard and it's sweet
But it's supposed to be like this…"
Natalie Imbruglia: That Day
By Nanaki Lioness
Have you ever done something you weren't supposed to do? I mean, really done something you weren't supposed to do? Not something small like sneaking out at night when you're meant to be home, and smoking behind the bike sheds in school. I mean…
Well, I mean something as bad as getting a criminal record. Something as bad as stealing or trying to kill someone…
Well… Maybe it's not that bad.
I kissed someone. Sure, you say, that's no bad thing. It was my best friend. Still not bad enough? They're the same sex as me. See my point?
I don't know what I was thinking. I guess maybe I was thinking I wanted to be smacked and yelled at, because that's what happened.
Or maybe it was because I didn't want to be confused anymore.
Well, if that was it, I'm not satisfied. I'm still confused.
Let's just say, we've been good friends for years. And I mean, years. Since we were eleven in fact, and we're nineteen now. Heh, college guys, the both of us. Him with his beloved music and me with my soccer team…
Him with his fantastic good looks and me with my wrong-way-round thoughts…
I need to stop thinking about him.
But, you know, that really is hard. He kinda led me into it, it's not like I just randomly kissed him! He was talking about love and…
Okay, maybe I just took up on an opportune moment that wasn't really that opportune. Truth is I was fed up with secretly admiring him.
I wanted him to know. I wanted to jeopardize our friendship. I wanted to just be open and to not feel wrong.
Everyone seemed to suspect. They all knew before me, for crying out loud. Even him. Especially him.
I really think he'd have understood better if I'd decided to tell him over a drink or something. But no, that's not me; Taichi Kamiya, has to go for the direct approach.
You can't get much more 'direct approach' than a kiss, really.
And now, here I am, sitting in the college café nursing a cup of white chocolate something-or-other (which tastes nothing like white chocolate) and a sore cheek.
Half of me is wondering if he's looking for me. Half of me is hoping he's not. Half of me is wanting to look for him.
Okay, that makes three halves, but who's counting?
I'm looking down into this white milky drink when a shadow falls over it, and I look up to see him standing above me. I almost melt; he's looking so, so handsome today. I think that's why I picked today to tell him.
He's wearing a black polo necked top- skin tight, so it shows off his lean figure. Black jeans with a slight flare to them at the bottom, and his blonde hair is immaculately styled as usual. Black belt round his waist; one hand resting on the edge of his pocket like he can't decide where to put it, and one on his hip.
I stop looking at him and look into his eyes. God, his beautiful, expressive eyes…
"Tai, stop checking me out."
That snaps me out of it. I blush and stare at the table. I'm kinda relieved that he's commented; I don't have to be secret anymore. I don't have to hide it.
I can finally be me.
He sits down opposite me, sighing heavily.
"What are we gonna do with you?" He comments softly.
I shrug, not sure I can remember how to talk.
"I… I'm sorry I hit you. I wasn't expecting it, you know…?"
"Yeah," I say, finding my voice. "I can understand that."
There's a silence for a moment, where I finish my drink. He's studying me, looking interested. I'm just glad he's not angry.
"Tai, you know you could have just told me…"
I smile a little. "There'd be no fun in that."
He smiles a little, too. "That's you all over. You can't just say something; you have to make a display of it…"
"You're not mad?"
I didn't mean to ask him that. I was quite happy with the casual tone the conversation had.
He shakes his head. "No," he answers. "No, I'm not mad. I'm just… Shocked, I guess. I'm not surprised, deep down-"
"You know, everyone who saw told me after you ran off that they'd been expecting it," I ask a little indignantly. "Is it that obvious?"
Matt nods, looking a little sheepish. "It certainly is now if it wasn't before."
I roll my eyes. "I figured."
There's another silence, where he picks up my empty polystyrene cup. He throws it across the table, past me, to a bin in his line of vision. It goes in first attempt.
You know, that's just typical of Matt. Perfect.
"So, what now?" I ask, not sure what he'll say.
Matt sighs, and looks directly at me. Good God, he needs to put those eyes away somewhere safe, he's going to break a few hearts…
"I think you need to know I'm here, and that you can tell me anything," he starts cautiously. "And I mean, anything, so if you have any more confessions to make, do so now…"
I laugh a little, shaking my head. "No, that's all."
"And, you also need to know that I don't feel the same way about you as you feel about me."
I should have known that was coming, but I'm still disappointed.
"That doesn't mean I don't love you," he continues. "Because I do. I just don't love you."
"You sound sad."
"I guess I am."
He smiles. "I'm sorry, Tai, but I can't be someone I'm not. I'd love to make you happy, and to be the person you want me to be. I want to make you happy as more than a friend, but… I can't. It isn't me. It's not my identity."
I grin a little to disguise the hurt I'm feeling. "I heard somewhere that most rock-stars are bisexual."
He laughs. "I'm not a rock-star."
"Does that mean you'll be my boyfriend when you are?"
That sounds so strange. Boyfriend. Yet, it feels natural. It feels nice.
He laughs again. "No, Tai."
We sit, contented, for a few moments. I'm feeling happier now; more normal.
"So, what are you going to do now?" He asks.
"Try and tell my parents. Dad'll be disappointed, that's for sure…"
Matt just shakes his head. "You can't live a lie, Tai. No-one can."
"I know. That's why I kissed you."
He doesn't reply.
"And, you know, I really do think you're beautiful."
He doesn't reply again, but I can see his cheeks are tinged with red as he tries to stare through the table.
"Thank you…" He whispers.
And then he stands, walking around the table to stand beside me. I stand, too, unsure of his actions. He reaches out to me, putting a hand on my arm. I like it there. It feels warm.
"Tai, this doesn't mean we can't be friends."
"And this doesn't mean you can get me stone cold drunk and try to bed me."
I laugh, smiling widely. I'm happy again now, happier than I've been in a while.
He grins, squeezing my arm and letting go altogether.
And then he turns to leave, and he's halfway across the cafeteria before I call out to him. The room is quite full, and I don't care who hears me.
"Hey! Don't I get a goodbye kiss?!"
He turns, eyes wide and blushing deep scarlet as all the eyes on the room are on him.
"You...!!" He calls back to me, before realising he doesn't have a comeback line. So, he chooses to flee the room quickly instead. I grin, sitting back down at the table, ignoring the stares from people in the room.
Author's Notes: Where did that come from? *searches muse* Hmm, did you knock me dead on my current 44-page-angst-thing to give this, stupid muse…? *smacks it*
Cute, fluffy Taito. I've been needing to write one of these for ages *grins*
Feedback to Nanaki_Lioness@hotmail.com or below, please…