This story is intended to be in a diary format, to show the journey that a young girl was forced to make when her entire family were lost.
It's yet another 'Role play gets screwed' story.
The Fire Diary
Saturday, 12th June, 2010
Today was my sixteenth birthday party, we had it in a sports hall, and there were balloons and confetti everywhere. The whole family was there, and I was smiling, they may not be the best family in the world in terms of the love they had for me. The beatings my parents gave me hurt and the abuse they hurled at me was never ending. Or so it seemed before today. See, thing is I stand alone now. I stand on a hill beside the sports hall, and all I see is flashing lights. The flashing lights from the firemen and the flashing lights from the ambulances and the police cars. I can't see my family amongst them; they brought out body after body. The tiniest, I wonder if it was my sister, she was only four years old, or even my cousin, she was one years old, and she would have been two in September. I feel so numb; I don't know why I survived, why did I go outside? Was I supposed to survive? I feel someone wrap their arms around me, and I realise it's a paramedic, she wrapped a foil blanket around me, it's pretty cold outside now and they are still putting out some of the fire. I hear her ask if I'm okay, and I nod, truth be told I feel so lost right now. I find myself sitting here, wanting Gracie, I want her to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Gracie is the amazing person who role plays my mother (well Sarah David's mother) on a social networking site. I probably should not think of her as my real mother, but I do, and probably always will do, even with the loss of my biological mother, it is Gracie that I want, the one I need. Why do I feel like this? I can't answer that question, not really. It's too hard. The paramedic leads me to the ambulance, and I wonder why, why is she tending to me when they need her more. Then I realise as I see nothing but white sheets come out. They're gone. Everyone is dead. My legs buckle beneath me and it feels like the sky is crashing down upon me, pushing me to the ground, and her arms grab me holding me up, and getting me into the ambulance, as my eyes watch the scene unfold in front of my hazel eyes. The only words that go through my mind ask why. Why is it happening? Why did I survive? I feel like I am falling, falling through the sky and not a single person is there to catch me, but I never hit the ground, I simply keep falling for what seems like eternity. I am faintly aware of being helped into the back of a police car, someone said I would be taken into care, another saying they were sorry for my loss, but I do not listen, for I do not care for what they say. To one day have a family and the next minute have nothing, is too hard to describe. All I hear is the loud bang of the explosion then their blood-curdling screams, All I see is the flames as they engulf the entire building in a matter of seconds and all I can smell is the smell of dark and heavy smoke. I cough, as I can taste it, the remnants of smoke within my lungs. I sit in a room, they placed me in, it's comfy, it has a sofa and television. I switch the television on in a vain way to escape reality, but it does not work, I see the fire on television. They speak of the dead, the dead being my family and friends. They speak of me, the call me a child, they say I have lost everything, which I have. They talk about how it could have been prevented and how they don't know what will happen to me. To be honest, I don't know either. I am not sure of anything anymore.
Sunday, 13th June, 2010
Today I awoke in the same police room as I was placed in yesterday, it is not long before I'm asked if I would like something to eat, but the taste of smoke every time I breathe makes me feel sick and I no longer have the need to eat, as I am not hungry. They ask me questions about the fire, but I do not know anything apart from what I had already told them. I have to identify my family and although they had been dreadful to me most of my life, I still break down in tears, tears that seem to burn my cheeks. Later that day, someone tells me about the money I supposedly inherit from my family. I don't know how much, and nor do I care; no amount of money would bring my little sister back to me. I know it is all over the news, and I know it's being broadcasted, because of the number of fatalities. Some speculate it was a bomb, some say a gas explosion and others say it was an arson attack. But I simply say it was unfair. They ask me if I have anyone, I say no, because truth is told, I don't. I wish Gracie would come and rescue me from this nightmare, to have her wrap her arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be okay, to know that someone would be there for me. But I don't have that, although truth be told I never have had that, even when my parents were alive, they were never there for me, they never loved me like Gracie seems to. I am vaguely aware of being taken into a care home, I sit upon the bed, and curl up in the corner, just staring blankly at the wall, not crying or talking. My heartbreak reflected in my eyes, and I seem like a lost child. I sit here hoping that one day Gracie will save me. I close my eyes and I dream of my perfect dream; with Gracie as my mother, and the arms of the man I love around me. His name is Nick; he role played my husband during the same time that Gracie was my mother. I fell in love with him without truly realising.
Monday, 14th June, 2010
I woke up today in the care home, I still find myself praying it to be a nightmare or for Gracie to save me. But neither happens. Today is my birthday, I am sixteen now. I am fifteen and officially an orphan. The clothes I wear are what I was given yesterday to wear, and what I fell asleep in. I have to speak to the press today, they said I don't have to but I want to, because I hope that I can talk to Gracie in some sort of way, not sure what to say, I can't exactly turn to the camera and beg her to save me could I? Nah, I would sound ridiculous, wouldn't I? When I finally stand in front of a sea of cameras and microphones, I am bombarded with questions, they ask how I survived, I say that I had gone outside at the time. They ask if I miss them and I simply nod, as tears begin to fall from my eyes, I feel so stupid to cry in front of so many cameras, but the care worker I stand with simply wraps her arms around me and hugs me tightly as cameras flash away. They ask me what I will do with the inheritance and I tell the truth. The truth that I have not taken any notice of it, and don't even know how much or what it is. They tell me, and the amount shocks me, that is obvious even to them. I did not realise that life insurance was so much. Then they ask again what I am going to do with it, and I look at the camera, "I want to go to college in Belfast", I say with determination, "Then I want to go to Queens, I want to travel, and more importantly I want to help people" I say as I look at the cameras, in my mind I am trying to talk to Gracie, telling her that I wish I could see her, and trying to say that she and Nick were the ones I needed. One asks why I want to go to Belfast, and I smile, and say, "Because to me that is the safest place in the world". Later on I realise I said that I love Nick, and I realise I said it on live television. I am allowed on the computer today, but only for an hour, I sit there and I speak to Nick. He says he saw me on the news and says that he is sorry for my loss. He then asks me if I meant what I said about loving him. I say that I do, and that I love him more than anything in the world. He asks me when I am going to Belfast, and as I speak with him, I book my tickets for the day after the funeral. I tell him, and I book myself into a hotel at the same time, just in case he doesn't want me there. As part of me says he loves me, and part of me tortures myself saying he never will. We role play for a little bit before I am told to come off, I tell him everything that has been going on, and then he tells me he loves me. Just like I love him, and I can't help but smile properly for the first time in ages.
Tuesday, 15th June, 2010
They are having the funeral today, I wear a black dress, most the people here I don't know, some are press and some are strangers. Each one says they are sorry for my loss, and I hate it. The looks of sympathy are like daggers to my heart, it is a dreadful feeling to see eyes staring back at you, with looks of sympathy. It is not what I want. It had never been what I wanted. If they knew the truth of the abuse of which I had been forced to suffer during the time that my family were alive, then I am sure that these people would not cry for them, as they do now. But that is something I may never tell anyone. The only one that knows what happened is Gracie, I told her a while ago. I told her of my father, and his temper. I told her of my fear and the terror I saw. Well, some of it. As I do not even think she wishes to know the full truth. As no one does, and those who say they do, soon wish they hadn't asked once they had been told the truth. I know I am meant to say something, and I read a poem I wrote, I don't know what else to say, there is so much to say. I look at the photos of them plastered around the church, and I ask again, Why?
Wednesday, 16th June, 2010
Today is the day I go to Belfast; I can't go unless Gracie signs the papers though, so that she takes custody of me. Once they are signed then I am allowed to go to Belfast. We get a phone call saying they have been signed, and then they are faxed through to social services. I board the flight and sit in the usual Ryanair flight. I sit there watching out of the window, listening to the bustle of those around me, and I can't help but watch them, I wear shades and a hood, I don't like the publicity that has come with the inheritance of this blood money. I get people camp outside asking for money, when truth be told most the things they are asking of me, is not worth it. I have donated some of the money, I donate to those charities that deserve it, The Haiti fund is very worth it, I see those children and my heart goes out to them. They have less than me, and I want to help them. When I arrive at the airport in Belfast, his face is the first I see as I go through the gate at arrivals, and I smile, as does he. He wraps his arms around me, and I can't help but drop my bags as I kiss him back with passion, I tell him I love him, and he says it back, and that is the happiest moment of my life so far. The moment my soul mate told me he loved me like I love him. I smiled and stepped back slightly and hugged Gracie, and smiled brightly, she had saved me, and so had Nick. I smiled happily for the first time in ages. She asked if I was okay and I nodded, because I was okay. I had stopped falling because he had caught me. My one true love had caught me and I was happy. I was in love and I felt safe.