Crumple-Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. It's owned by JK Rowling and Time Warner. Not me. Please don't sue.

All of these are from the "Lines you Wish you Saw in the Harry Potter Books". Just think of it as "Mystery Naruto Theater 3000", Harry Potter edition!


End of Year Five…

Draco: Potter, you're dead. When my father hears about what you've done-

Harry: So, you found out huh?

Draco: Just this morning!

Harry: From who?

Draco: My mum of course!

Harry: She told you I shagged her?

Draco: She-What?

Harry: *smirk* That's right Draco. I shagged your mum. And she really, really loved it.

Draco: *Paler than usual* What?

Harry: She hadn't gotten laid in ages, she was only too happy to give it up, over and over and over again... Say... Does this mean you have to call me Daddy?

Draco: *Scream of incoherent rage, he charges and is easily knocked out by Harry's friends*

Ron: Damn Harry, great job! That was a brilliant way to tork him off!

Harry: Yes, it was. Now, if you'll excuse me, Cissie is probably expecting me.

Hermione: ... Wait, you mean you really-?

Harry: *Smirk*

Ron: ... Oh... God...


After Voldemort's Defeat...

Harry: "So Ginny, wanna go snog?"

Ginny: "... Um, Harry, about that... In the last year you've been camping-"

Harry: "Questing."

Ginny: "Camping, Neville's shown he is a total badass. I mean, he organized a resistance movement, fought evil wizards, and endured horrible torture without a whimper."

Harry: "What are you trying to say?"

Ginny: "I'm saying I want his babies, Harry. So... Bye!"

Trelawney: "... Well I didn't see that coming."

Ron: "I did!"

Luna: "Me too."

Hermione: "Same here!"


During Sixth Year…

Harry: I can't trust anyone! Nobody around here is thinking straight! No, I can't trust any of these hormonal, unstable teenagers! They... OF COURSE! Voldemort's doing all this! He must be! It makes perfect sense why everyone's acting crazy!

Luna: Hello Harry. What are you doing?

Harry: Luna, this may sound hard to believe, but I think Voldemort's trying to drive me insane by turning my friends into assholes.

Luna: I completely believe you.

Harry: ... You do?

Luna: Yes.

Harry: Hang on... That's exactly what the real Luna would say!

Luna: Doesn't that mean I am the real Luna?

Harry: Well...

Luna: Unless I too have been brainwashed by Voldemort. But if I were to act unlike myself, who would I be? I can't imagine not being me. Would I then be you? Or would I be her? Or that girl over there? Or perhaps I'd be the opposite of myself, Hermione. But I can't be Hermione, since she's Hermione, unless she's not herself, which must mean she's-

Harry: Uh, Luna, relax, I believe it's you.

Luna: Oh. So I'm really me?

Harry: Yes.

Luna: Good. I was getting confused.


What if Draco was actually cunning?

*Hogwarts. The Sixth Year*

Draco: Potter... We need to talk.

Harry: What about, Malfoy?

*He approached Harry in a secluded hallway*

Draco: *eyes Hermione and Ron* Alone.

Ron: That's not happening.

Harry: Ah... *He looks to Ron and Mione.*

Hermione: *Eyes narrow in confusion, but she nods. She shoots him a look that says "we'll be nearby"* Just for a moment.

Ron: What? *scowls as Hermione shoots him a look* Fine... But I swear to Merlin Malfoy, you try anything-!

Draco: I'm just here to talk Weasley, nothing more.

Ron: *snorts, but goes along with Hermione around the corner*

Draco: Well... Aren't they especially. But then there might be a reason for that.

*He brandishes... Paperwork!*

Harry: ...

Draco: I was looking through some family records and family alliances and I found something interesting, Potter. You see, the Weasleys haven't had any female children for about five generations.

Harry: Of course.

Draco: No, I'm quite serious... See? Right here.

Harry: *Looks at it*

*It looks legit, as far as he can tell*

Draco: But, the Potters did. See? Here's the betrothal contract offer my family gave to yours for a Ginevra Potter.

Harry: Huh?

Draco: But it couldn't be fulfilled because apparently, you have no sister.

Harry: Obviously, so what does this have to do with anything?

Draco: Except that, check this out. *Two birth certificates!*

Harry: ...What.

Draco: See? They're precisely the same between the Weaslet and your sister.

Harry: So...you;re saying that Ginny...

Draco: *nods* Exactly.

Harry: Is...my s-sister...

Draco: Yep. It's not that hard to manage you know. They probably put her in stasis and put her with the Weasleys, and a year later they released her. It's perfect, it'd keep her safe.

Harry: She's...she's my sis...sister...

Draco: Yeah...

Harry: She's my sister and we...and we...

Draco: You... What?

Harry: Snogged.

Draco: Oh Merlin, you... *Covers his mouth* Damn Potter! If you wanted to get accepted by the Purebloods, there are better ways to do it!

Harry: Oh God!

Draco: Well... Um... Hey! At least she's hot, right? *Pats him on the shoulder*

Ginny: Harry! *beams at him* Harry! Where were you?

Harry: ...I...ah...g-gotta go...OH GOD!

Ginny: ...?

*Ron and Hermione watch Harry run by*

Ron: What the...?

Hermione: Oh Boy...

Ginny: ... Draco, what did you do?

Draco: *Sighs* The truth is a hard pill to swallow. *He turns and walks off… And once out of earshot, loses his composure and begins to laugh hysterically*


Also Sixth Year. There's plenty of fodder for mockery…

Dumbledore: So now, we know that Voldemort used Horcruxes to make himself immortal.

Harry: ... Seriously, that's it? That's all we've learned?

Dumbledore: Well, now we know.

Harry: ...

Dumbledore: And knowing is half the battle.

Harry: ... Have you been checked for senility lately?

Dumbledore: ... Not lately...


Sixth Year...

Harry: Okay Ron, exactly why are you going out with Lavender? Aside from the fact she puts out.

Ron: Simple. I know Hermione fancies me.

Harry: ... And?

Ron: And I don't want to have anything to do with her.

Harry: Huh?

Ron: Come on Harry. She'd drive me nuts with her nagging, we'd always fight, and the only thing we have in common is you. Sure, she's got nice tits and a nice arse, but that only takes you so far. I just want to stay friends, ya know? She's bad enough as that-Can you imagine how bad she'd be if we were married?

Harry: So, to preserve your friendship with her, you're going to... Destroy your friendship with her.

Ron: ... *slowly nods* Yes. Yes I am.


*During the duel between Harry and Draco in Second Year*

Ginny: Those FOOLS think I am not actually possessed by Voldemort's evil and am just the innocent little sister of the thick sidekick character! I must keep my disguise at all costs! Hey everyone: I am extremely indifferent to what's going on.

Hermione: Did you just say something?

Ginny: IGNORE ME!

(Borrowed from Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged)


This always bugged me...

Harry: You know guys, maybe if we just wore short-sleeves, we could tell who was a Death Eater and who wasn't.

Ron: What? Short sleeves? That's crazy talk! This is England! No one wears short sleeves!

Harry: Even during the summer?

Ron: ESPECIALLY during the summer!


Sixth Year

Hermione: Be careful Harry. Romilda Vane's had her eye on you for a while and-

Harry: Wait, wait, wait. Who?

Hermione: Romilda Vane? You know? Girl two years behind us?

Harry: You mean the extremely spankable hot girl who wants my body? Why did I never notice her before? What, did she just come into existence this year to provide some artificial high school drama-level tension in the face of all-out war?

Hermione: How am I supposed to know how the mind of a teenaged boy works?

Harry: I dunno, you could ask J. K. Rowling. Oh wait, never mind.

Ron: Ooohhh! Burn!


After the final battle...

Hermione: All right Malfoy family, you're all under arrest.

Draco: What? But-But we changed sides!

Harry: What's your point?

Lucius: We-We're allies! What possible reason could you have for prosecuting us now that the Dark Lord is dead?

Harry: How about the Muggleborns you've murdered or authorized the murder, imprisonment or torture of? Or how you participated in maintaining Tommy's old networks of friends and kept his prejudices alive? Just because you changed teams in the middle of the game doesn't mean you don't face the consequences.

Hermione: Besides, maybe you'll be found innocent of wrongdoing. And to facilitate that, guess who we've gotten as your lawyer?

Ron: Just call me Ronald Weasley, Ace Attorney!

Draco: ... All right! I confess to everything! I'll go to Azkaban!

Ron: As your attorney, I strongly advise you to not say anything. It would be bad. Good for me though because then I won't be annoyed.

Draco: I CONFESS! I CONFESS!

Lucius: Draco, shut up! Weasley, how the hell did you get appointed as a solicitor?

Hermione: The only real requirement to pass the bar under Voldemort's reign was "Must hate Harry Potter".

Harry: You hate me, mate?

Ron: Legally, yes I do. You wanker. Now then, shall we start with the... Um...

Hermione: Investigating the case?

Ron: I was going to ask where the courtroom is. Also, will there be food? I'm famished.

Lucius: Oh bugger me.


Sixth Year again…

Zabini gave a tiny little cough that was clearly supposed to indicate amused scepticism. An angry voice burst out from behind Slughorn.
"Yeah, Zabini, because you're so talented ... at posing..."
"Oh dear!" chuckled Slughorn comfortably, looking round at Ginny who was glaring at Zabini around Slughorn's great belly. "You want to be careful, Blaise! I saw this young lady perform the most marvellous Bat Bogey Hex as I was passing her carriage! I wouldn't cross her!"
Zabini merely looked contemptuous.

Zabini: Yes, because I'm going to be intimidated by a girl whose one claim to fame is turning bogeys into bats. Ooh, I'm petrified in fear!

Ginny: Don't fuck with me Zabini. After all, I'm the main character's love interest.

Zabini: Oh yes, right, I forgot, how foolish of me. I apologize... Mary Sue.

Ginny: HEY!


And pretty much any time…

Ron: Oh God, Harry! Hermione! I'm a vampire!

Harry: No you're not Ron.

Ron: I totally am! I'm pale and I burn in the sunlight!

Hermione: No Ron, you're just ginger.

Ron: I'm totally burning up! Look! I MUST be a vampire!

Harry: *sigh*

Ron: How do you explain the fangs? Or my bloodlust?

Hermione: What part of "ginger" don't you understand?


Yeah, it's stupid but I thought you guys might get some enjoyment out of it.