A/n: On the Bioware social site, Badpie and I started making mini fanfics about ME2's yeoman, Kelly Chambers. It spiraled out of control from there. Possible ME2 spoilers.
Here are the results of said insanity.
Badpie Posted at 2:34 PM on 2010-01-26:
So just right off the bat she's like:
"Shepard, I'm Kelly. Nice to meet you. Let me know if you need anythingIwanttoslobyourknob okay? Great. Just give a holler." ?
"Oh hey Commander. I just wanted to let you know I filed those reports and I'd like to take a bite out of your muscular bum.... can I get you coffee or anything?"
Badpie Posted at 2:53 PM on 2010-01-26
(Shepard walks out of his bathroom after a shower wearing his towel. He is startled)
Shepard: Bah! Kelly what are you doing in here?!
Kelly: Feeding your fish, silly.
Shepard: ...um...why are you naked?
Kelly: Well i couldn't get into the tank with my uniform on. It would get wet. You are so cute when you're confused. Blow job?
(awkward silence. Kelly coughs)
Shepard: I should go.
Kelly: But your'e not even dressed.
Shepard: ...yeahh.... (inches past her and out of the room)
Fortunesque Posted at 3:04 PM on 2010-01-26
Kelly (spasmodic): Shepard, it's such an honor to work with you! .
Shepard (cautious): Uh, kay.
Kelly: So, you talked with Kaidan on Horizon. How'd that go?
Shepard: I uh, it was alright. I miss him so much. *dreamy eyes*
Kelly: Well, when you reunite with him, I'll make sure to watch!
Kelly: Do you want any special lotions or oils? I have a sexy catsuit I can wear... or you could borrow it.
Shepard: I'm not entirely comfortable discussing this.
Kelly: I am. I can wait until you're comfortable, though. *bats eyelashes*
Shepard: Riiight... I'm going to go.... check my quarters for cameras
Kelly (beaming): Okay! Just don't check the upper right corner of your desk!
Badpie Posted at 3:05 PM on 2010-01-26
(Shepard yawns, still half asleep and opens his eyes to find Kelly staring at hm in the dark)
Shepard: GAH! Jesus!
Kelly: Oh did I wake you?
Shepard: Kelly, it's 0400. What are you doing in my room?
Kelly: Just came by to see if you need anything.
Shepard: I...I was sleeping.
Kelly: Who's Ashley?
Kelly: Who is she? You were mumbling her name in your sleep.
Kelly: Who is she? TELL ME WHO SHE IS?!
Shepard: What the hell?! WHY?!
Kelly (composes herself): I was...just...updating your contacts is all... (pretends to write something on her hand) Aaash...le.. how do you spell Ashley?
Shepard: GET OUT OF HERE!
Badpie Posted at 3:11 PM on 2010-01-26
(Shepard hands Kelly a datapad)
Shepard: And I guess that's it. Thanks for all your help today.
Kelly: No problem. Happy to be of service.
(Kelly quickly presses her nose agains Shepard's neck and inhales sharply and deeply. Shepard is terrified to move)
Kelly: Mmmm....(whispering) You smell like home. (turns to walk out) Let me know if you need further assitance.
Fortunesque Posted at 3:19 PM on 2010-01-26
(Shepard walks up to the CIC)
Kelly: Commander, you have a new message at your terminal
Shepard: Thanks Kelly. I'll take a look right now.
(Shepard opens the message. it is from someone called "Kellygrrl")
You. Me. A can of whipped cream. My sexy catsuit that I stole from Chora's Den a few years back. A donkey rental.
(Shepard steps back from his terminal, horrified)
Shepard: I'm...... gay?
Kelly: Oh. So that's why you told TIM that your relationship with Kaidan wasn't anyone's business.
Shepard (suddenly frantic): But!!!
Kelly: Two hunks going at it? That's hot. CanIwatchplease?
Shepard (sheepishly): Uhmm.... he's not out yet. So no.
(Shepard has just received a new mission: Getting Kaidan to play along. Thus the true suicide mission began)
Badpie Posted at 3:48 PM on 2010-01-26
Subject: Now would be a good time to start explaining...
Any reason you can possibly think of that some woman named Kelly called me to ask what kind of oral technique you prefer? Is there any conceivable reason that this woman would ask if you like being talked dirty to in bed and what kinds of things you like to hear? I'm also wondering why it is this same woman also seems to know your blood type and sperm count.
Feel free to respond to this as soon as possible.
Subject: Oh my god.
That was my assistant. She's crazy. Everytime I turn around she's there. I feel like she's always watching me. I am ****ing terrified of her. I'm sorry she contacted you, but I need you to know that she is a complete and total NUT JOB. Oh my god I think I hear her coming. I'm typing this under my desk right now.
I love you!
PS. She knows my sperm count?! HOW?!
Subject: This is ****ed up.
Today I received a dead pig in the mail with several rusty nails stuck through its heart and a note reading "Mine. MINEMINEMINEMINE. I will cut you dead."
What the hell is going on?!
Subject: You suk
You are ugly and I hate you. Pleas stop talking to me because your face looks like vomit. I never want to see you again and your boobs aren't all that great anyway. I will kill you if you contact me again, fatty.
Subject: Dear sweet Christ I'm sorry!
She hacked my email! She's in my system! I can't stop her, but I had to warn you. GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! RIGHT NOW! She's coming! RUN!
Oh god I love you so much! Stay alive! Whatever may occur I will find you!
Isn't that last bit a quote from Last of the Mohicans?
By the way she came here. I killed her with my bare hands. You're safe now.
She's really dead? Really? Oh good. Wow. I was so worried about you. Bare hands? Really? ....GAWD I want you so bad right now.
PS. And yes. Last of the Mohicans.
Badpie Posted at 4:14 PM on 2010-01-26
Tonight I snuck into Shepard's room and left several of my plucked eyelashes in his mouth. This way I can be inside him....always.
He's playing hard to get, but I know that he loves me. He likes to hide in the cargo hold just so when I find him we can be alone together.
His skin looks so soft I want to wear it.
He is such a kidder. He's so cute. This afternoon he shoved me in the airlock and pretended he was going to hit to the button. Silly Jacob thought he was serious and tackled him and let me out.
I like our games.
Fortunesque Posted at 4:19 PM on 2010-01-26
Subject: Texas Toast
I just got an email from a "Kellygrrl" about what our safety word was. Do people know about us? You haven't told anyone about Texas Toast have you?
Take care, Shepard
Subject: RE: Texas Toast
Kellygrrl is my yeoman. She seems to have an unhealthy fascination with me. I wouldn't worry about it.
Texas Toast is OUR safety phrase. Like hell I'd share it with anyone.
Thinking about you (in the shower),
I got an email from someone claiming to be you. In this email, they said that you were "unsatisfied with my tiny, unsatisfyingly small micropenis". While I know this is untrue, I wanted to let you know about this.
Also, there appears to be a new site on the extranet... it's spreading lies about my supposed micropenis and mentions the name "Kelly Chambers".
This is rather disturbing. The pictures are clearly not of myself; they are crudely photoshopped.
Take care, Shepard,
Subject: RE: Wow.
I know who the perpetrator was, and she has been dealt with accordingly.
It was my yeoman. Her punishment was being locked into a utility closet for a while. She seemed to like it, especially when I struggled to shove her through the door.
Maybe I should just keep locking her in there. She seems to like that sort of attention from me.
Please let me know if she does anything else.
Still thinking about you at inappropriate times,