Title: He's My Cherry Pie.
Genre- Crack with a side of crack with a side of slash.
Warnings: Pie Porn. Nakedness. Boy kissing.
Spoilers: Season 4.
Rating: Light R
Disclaimer: I'm not sure how Kripke would feel about me turning his character into a pie.
Word Count 4016
Summary: Castiel's turned into a pie and Dean is so very, very tempted.
Notes: blame Chat! betaed by the wonderful 9_of_clubs. I started this during hiatus, and it wasn't until tonight that I figured out the ending, with the help of uselessplayback who reminded me of the rule on fic endings.
It happens so quickly that Dean barely has any time to register it. One minute Cas is there, helping them take down a witch and the next he's gone. There's no flash of light though, no angel flying out of the ranch style house they're at. Nope. Just one minute Castiel is there, the next he's gone. His clothes, piled on the floor, are the only part still left of him.
That however, isn't the disconcerting part. The disconcerting part - is that Cas's coat smells now like cherries. And when the hunter leans down and removes the angel's coat to he reveals a whole pie. The top crust is a beautiful golden brown marked with four perfect puncture holes steam curling up and out of them; the edges extend out from the pan slightly on the sides.
It's kind of sad how quickly Dean's brain goes from "No, Cas!" to "Yay, Pie!"
"Did you see that?" Dean asks his brother, who just keeps looking the witch, the woman standing there with this gigantic smirk on her face.
"Dean!" Sam exclaims, making his bitch face. "Please?"
Well, Dean's sorry, but when his angel disappears without his clothes and pie magically appears out of thin air, he's going to wonder about it. He resists the urge to make a face at Sam and instead tries to focus on the job at hand.
"You stupid fool," the witch cries. Then she looks at the pie with this wicked gleam in her eye and all Dean wants to do is pick it up and protect it. He's not sure where the pie came from, but he'll be damned if some witch gets her grubby little hands on it. She laughs again.
"What's the matter? Don't recognize your friend?"
Dean looks at the pie again, and then at Sam who has finally, FINALLY, noticed that something isn't right. Sam's eyebrows raise at Dean like he's the one who has a clue on what's happening right now. Then the taller man is staring at the pie, gaping his mouth at it like a fish.
"What the hell did you do?" Dean growls, because yeah, he just got it. He would have gotten it sooner, but really. It's not like this is something they run into every day.
In fact, he can safely say that this is the first time he's ever known of anybody turning into food. Although, there were stories from his dad's generation about an old man who was turned into Quiche, but Dean's fairly sure that was just an Urban Legend.
Then the witch yawns like she's bored out of her mind, touches her watch and the unattractive ash haired woman with no tits is replaced by a buxom blonde in a red halter top and blue jeans. She laughs and pulls a tube of lip gloss out of her pocket, applies it and then smacks her lips together in satisfaction.
"Mmm, cherry!" She exclaims. "My favorite, yours too, right Dean?"
"Who are you?" Sam demands, Dean would have asked it but he was too busy staring at Miss Jordache and worrying about his pie shaped best/only angel friend.
"I go by many names," the woman shrugs. "And put down your gun, Sammy."
To Dean's surprise, Sam actually obeys her, lowering his gun and holstering it into his pocket. Dean however, raises his.
"Fine," he growls. "Don't tell us your name, I don't really care. What are you?"
"Who, what, where," she mutters. "What's important is the why, Dean."
Dean decides to bite. "Why what?"
The blonde yawns, exasperated. "Why did I turn your friend into a pie?" She shakes her head. "I swear you humans are so dense!"
"Turn him back," Dean demands, cocking his gun. "Or else."
"I already told you that guns don't work on me," she replies. "And no; not until you learn your lesson, Dean."
"And what lesson is that?" Dean growls.
She gives him a beatific smile and then poof, she's gone.
They stare at the spot where she had been standing for a full minute before finally coming to their senses. It's Sam who leans down and picks pie shaped Cas up, but Dean instantly grabs him away making sure to only touch the sides of the pan so as not to damage his crust.
Sam gives him a weird look and starts gathering Castiel's clothes. "Come on, we better go."
Sam calls Bobby as soon as the get to the hotel and Dean puts Castiel on the table next to his bed. Tries not to think of how good he smells, like cherries and sugar, cinnamon and a bunch of other things that Dean can't really describe but make him salivate none the less.
"Thanks, Bobby," Sam hangs up his phone and frowns at Dean.
"What'd he say?" Dean asks.
"He says he'll look into it."
"Great," the shorter man sighs. "That means he doesn't know."
"Well," Sam says as he sits up on his bed and takes off his shoes. "It's not like there's precedent for this Dean."
Dean nods and looks back at Castiel. "Um, do you think he's okay?"
Several blinks and then, "Uh, he's a pie. I think that's far from being okay, Dean."
Dean glares half heartedly at Sam. "I know, I just…do you think he can feel it?"
"Um, I don't know," His little brother answers carefully. "But we'll figure it out, Dean. We always do."
"Yeah," Dean agrees, because Sam is right. They do always... in the end. Except for the times when they don't, but Dean isn't counting those.
Dean wakes up in the middle of the night hungry, the smell of cherries drifting freely through his nose and he almost sticks his whole hand into the middle of the pie before he remembers.
He's so disgusted with himself that he goes to sleep in the Impala. The next morning when Sam finds him, Dean informs his brother that he's taking Castiel for the day.
"Why?" followed by, "I'm not going to carry a pie with me all day, Dean."
"You don't understand, Sammy," Dean groans. "I nearly ate him last night!"
"Um, I'm sure it would have happened to anybody," Sam says and Dean can see that he's trying not to laugh, but failing miserably.
Dean's too exhausted to care. "Please just take him?"
Sam relents. "Fine, I'll take him." He picks Cas up, carefully, at Dean's worried instruction and leaves. When they're gone, Dean takes a long shower, standing in the hot water until it runs cold. He's just slipping on his jeans when Sam rushes in.
"Something's wrong!" Sam yells frantically and Dean stumbles over to them and he sees Castiel's crust is cracking and the edges are darker. He takes the angel-pie from Sam and sits on the bed, gently puts his finger on one of the cracks, revealing dark red filling underneath. Some of it gets on his finger and he knows that the only thing keeping him from tasting it is the fact that Sam is there.
...He's really grateful Sam is there... He wipes his finger on his shirt.
"What happened?" Dean asks.
"I don't know," Sam says. "I went inside the coffee shop and when I came out he was like this."
Dean can safely say that he hates this, but when he looks down at Castiel he sees that his crust is slowly beginning to repair itself. The edges are once again honey brown and the top is beginning to soften, cracks disappearing.
"It's okay, Cas," Dean says, tenderly stroking his crust. "We'll figure this out."
Sam coughs, a clock chimes and somewhere, a dog barks.
"Right," Dean pulls back, still wanting nothing more than to just taste.
"Well, I guess he wants to stay with you," Sam says, trying to sound light but failing miserably. "I'm going to the library and see if I can't figure out who our mystery woman is. Maybe if we figure out her M.O, we'll be able to help Castiel. You stay here and don't eat him."
"I'm not going to eat him," Dean rolls his eyes at the other hunter.
"You almost ate him last night."
"When I was asleep," Dean retorts. "I think I know better than to eat a pie shaped angel." Even if said pie shaped angel is the tastiest looking thing he has ever seen.
Sam gives him a worried look, like he's actually afraid of what might happen if he leaves Dean alone with pie shaped Cas and really, Dean can't blame him.
It's important here to know that Dean is not in love with pie, no matter what Sam or anyone else might say. He does not wonder where pie is when it's not around, he does not think about pie constantly, does not think about pie when he has sexy Dean alone time, does not think about pie when he goes to sleep at night. Dean is not in love with pie.
Dean is not in love with Castiel, either.
Dean spares the angel a glance once Sam leaves. "So um, I guess it's just you and me, buddy." He places Castiel back onto the table and turns on the television. "Uh, so what do you wanna watch? Baywatch? Infomerical? House? Oh look, Saved by the Bell." He leaves the channel on and points to the screen. "This is Saved by the Bell. Back when Sammy and I were growing up and dad was gone - he and I'd watch this together after he did his homework. Why am I telling you this? You don't care, you're a pie."
They sit and watch Zach Morris and gang get into yet another wacky adventure. Dean, hungry and ravenous; Castiel piping hot and flaky.
"If it helps," Dean says, not sure why he's even talking to a pie, "You smell…" don't say it, don't say it,"Heavenly."
Dean winces at his own pun. "Well, it's true. You do. I mean, you have no idea how badly I just want to lick you right now." He begins to lean over Castiel like he's under a spell. "One, tiny lick." The all of a sudden he realizes what he's doing and backs as far away as he can, which ,means the other side of the bed.
"Crap," he moans. "That was way too close. Sam and Bobby better figure out what's going on soon."
Thankfully, Bobby calls sometime later during an episode of Highlander.
"Well, I think I know who you're dealing with."
Hope springs inside Dean's chest. "Great, who?"
"Goddess of love Aphrodite?" Dean responds in disbelief and shock. "Venus was her name Aphrodite?"
"Yeah, it's her all right," Bobby deadpans. "Looks like she's trying to teach you a lesson."
Dean can hear Bobby roll his eyes. "Motorcycle maintenance. She's the goddess of love, you idjit!"
Before Dean can ask why the goddess of love would turn Cas into a pie, Bobby hangs up on him.
"Well, uh, good news," Dean says to Castiel. "We know who turned you into a pie. Aphrodite. Do you know her?" He rolls his eyes at how stupid that sounds. "I'm gonna call Sam and tell him to come back."
That night, he absolutely, positively does not whisper "Night Cas."
He dreams about Castiel. Not pie shaped Cas but the real Cas. Or rather, the Jimmy shaped one\. He doesn't remember the details, but when he wakes up and sees the pie still there, as much a pie as ever. a wave of regret goes through him. Well, it's not so much regret as it is hunger tinged with regret. He drags Sam out of bed to go eat the biggest breakfast the diner across the street has.
"I think I know why Aphrodite turned Cas into a pie," Sam says while Dean pours syrup onto his pancakes.
Sam takes the syrup from Dean and begins to pour into onto his own. "Well, it's like she said, she's teaching you a lesson."
"And just what lesson am I supposed to learn from Cas being a pie?" the older, more handsome, brother asks with his mouth full.
"Uh," Sam falters for a moment. "That you love Cas as much as you love pie?"
Dean drops his fork onto his plate. The other man winces not at the loud clinging sound it makes but by the look on Dean's face. It's a look that Dean has patented over the years; it's the look that says, "While you sleep, I'm going to put itching powder in all of your clothes." Sam however, carries on.
"I'm okay with it," Sam says. "At first I thought it was a little weird, but then I talked to Bobby-"
"You talked to Bobby about this?" Dean interrupts. "So what, you and Bobby just sat down and discussed my relationship with Cas?"
"Of course not," Sam says, rolling his eyes. "It just came up, but that's not the point."
Of course it isn't, Dean thinks. He's never that lucky. "Fine, what's your point, highness?"
"That it's okay, Dean. I'm not going to judge you. You love who you love you know?"
Now if this were a chick flick, Dean would be grateful at his brother's understanding, but seeing how this is Dean's life, Dean's oh so messed up and twisted life, he's far from it.
When they get back, Dean's only slightly relieved to find Cas where he left him, still whole, golden brown and steamy. Then he notices there are crumbs on the table. Dean runs over to him and sure enough, pieces of Cas's crust wings have fallen off during Dean's absence.
"No, no," Dean says. "I'm sorry Cas."
Behind him, Sam sighs. "For the love of God, Dean, would you just tell him that you love him so he can turn back already?"
Dean gives Sam a sharp look. "I don't love him."
"Really?" Sam asks, drawing out the word.
"And," and Dean can't believe he's saying this, "if I do, which I don't, I wouldn't say it to him while he's…" Dean gestures at pie! Cas. He mentally includes the exclamation point.
"But you would say it to him when he's not a pie?" Little brother or not, Dean will hit him if he doesn't wipe that smirk off his face.
"Not. In. Love."
The taller man throws his hands up. "Fine Dean, you're not in love. Guess Cas is going to stay a pie forever…or until you eat him."
"For the last time, I'm not going to eat him!"
That night, Dean doesn't sleep. Instead he lays in bed and stares up at the ceiling while Sam snores in the other bed and he tries to justify eating the bits of crumb that are still on the table. They're just crumbs. They've already fallen off Cas so what would it really hurt?
He rolls over and tries not to think about crumbs or filling. He fails miserably. Frustrated and not knowing what else to do, he grabs Cas from the table, knocking the crumbs to the floor and carries him outside so they can talk, man to pie.
He sets Castiel on the hood of the Impala and leans up against the door himself. It's dark apart from the neon hotel sign which keeps flickering off and on.
"Here's the thing," Dean says, trying to collect his thoughts. "I don't really know how I feel. I mean, I admit that I was really happy when you decided to stay with us instead of going back to Heaven, I'm not blind, I know you're attractive and I admit that I'm kind of jealous when waitresses eye ball you, but other than that? I don't know."
He looks over at the pie and smiles sadly as he strokes Castiel's wing shaped crust. "I know that right now," he pauses, feeling uncomfortable admitting all of this," All I can think about it is how good you smell and if your crust is as soft and flaky as it looks and how your cherries would feel against my teeth and how satisfied I would feel once you were in my stomach. I really, really want to eat you."
He steps closer to Castiel and leans down so his lips are barely touching the top of him. "But what I really want is for you to be you again," and then he kisses the center of the pie.
The smell of Cas this close is intoxicating. He wonders if this is how Castiel would taste. Buttery and sweet yet tart. Unable to help himself, Dean quickly swipes Castiel with his tongue.
Castiel bubbles slightly and Dean backs away. "I'm sorry," he groans. "Really, I didn't mean to do that." He's going to get smote any second now. Cas keeps bubbling though underneath the surface of his crust, which is now beginning to break apart. What's worse is there's light coming out of the pie now, shooting straight into the air. Dean covers his eyes and he swears he hears screaming but it could very well just be his own.
When he looks up again, the pie is gone and there's a naked angel on the hood of his car. Castiel looks up at him, confused.
"Uh, what happened?" He asks.
Dean tries not to stare. "You were turned into a pie."
The angel gives him a look as he sits up; seemingly unembarrassed that he's naked in a hotel parking lot. "I know that, I meant why did I return to this state?"
Dean has no idea. "Uh, I'm not sure," he admits.
"I can tell you," Aphrodite says from behind Dean. He swirls around and she's sitting on the hood of a pink Cadillac that Dean's fairly sure was not there just now. She jumps off and walks towards them, giving the slender man an appraising look and Dean automatically steps in front of Cas to protect him from wandering eyes.
"Don't worry sweetie," Aphrodite tells him. "Castiel and I go way back, don't we?"
"I should have known it was you," Cas growls, and Dean's head spins, because hey, sexy.
"Hey, don't surly with me, buddy. I was doing you a favor."
"A favor?" Both Dean and Cas ask with the same amount of incredulity.
"Well, yeah," she pouts. "Someone had to nudge you two in the right direction!"
Dean would have had a witty retort, but his brain had sense shut off at naked Cas. He's not toned like Dean is, but Jimmy's body is 's really getting Dean though, is the way he's carrying himself, confident yet innocent, which is exactly what Cas is to Dean.
Okay so maybe he does kind of have a crush on him, but that's not to say he's in love.
"Are you okay?" Castiel asks him.
"What?" Dean replies. He shakes his head, realizing that the goddess is gone. "Oh yeah, I'm fine. What did she say?"
Castiel gives him a concerned look. "You didn't hear her?"
"Uh," Dean's embarrassed now. "I didn't really pay attention."
Castiel frowns at Dean's admission but thankfully doesn't press it. "I should go," he says. "They are probably wondering where I am."
"Um, don't you want your clothes first?" Dean asks, pointing to their room where his clothes are folded in a neat pile on a chair.
Castiel looks down at himself and it's as though he's finally realized he's naked. "Yes, I should probably dress."
Sam's eyes widen to impressive sizes when Dean and Castiel come in. Dean just puts up his hand. "Long story, where're Cas's clothes?"
"Over there," Sam answers with the one hand that isn't covering his eyes. "This is so going on my top ten list of things I've never wanted to see."
Dean turns away to give Castiel privacy even though he's not sure why, considering he's already seen everything there is to see. Dean has a funny suspicion that whenever he sees Cas from now on, he's going to think, "I saw him naked." and things are just going to be awkward.
Also, there's the tiny, minisucle fact that Dean was this close to eating him.
Dean turns around and he has to admit he's a little disappointed at seeing Castiel fully dressed again. "Yeah?"
"I'd like to speak to you."
"I'm....leaving," Sam tells them, jumping off his bed and rushing out of the room like a grasshopper on speed. Dean laughs and turns to Cas.
"So uh, you never told me what Aphrodite said." He walks into the makeshift kitchen in their hotel room and digs out two pudding cups out of the fridge.
"It's not of import," Castiel takes the pudding Dean hands him and yeah, this is the kind of thing that he does that just aggravates the hell out of Dean.
Dean gulps as Cas licks the lid of his pudding, getting some of the chocolate on his top lip. "You were turned into a pie by a goddess and it's not of import?" Hello Déjà vu.
Cas wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, smearing the chocolate. "What do you want me to say, Dean?"
"Well, I want you to start with why." It's taking every fiber of Dean's body not to just reach out and lick the chocolate off. He wonders if Cas tastes like cherries still, and if so, will he taste like chocolate covered cherries now? Instead he puts his spoon into his mouth.
Cas actually rolls his eyes."Maybe if you paid attention to her instead of gawking at my vessel's body, you would know." Then, he does the one thing Dean wasn't expecting. He dips is finger into the cup and raises his chocolate covered finger to his mouth.
"Yeah, well sorry for being distracted by the hot naked man," Dean blurts out. For this, he's going to put himself on the rack. Cas doesn't reply back, doesn't blink. Instead he repeats his earlier action with the pudding and the green eyed man knows that the angel is just teasing him at this point.
"Fine," Dean throws his now empty pudding into the trash and pushes the slender man to the ground before he can do so much as blink. He straddles the lither hips and leans forward so that his face is just above the angel's. There's nothing stopping him from disappearing, and both of them know it. It occurs to Dean that Cas is giving up a lot in this moment by not flying off, so it's only fair that he give something too. "It wasn't just your body."
It's not an I love you, but it seems to be good enough for Cas, because the next thing Dean knows, the blue eyed man is leaning up, capturing the hunter's mouth with his own. He tastes just like Dean thought he would, like deep, rich chocolate mixed with cherries right off the pit, his lips are even slightly flaky and, Dean licks a line across the bottom lip just to make sure, buttery.
Neither of them hear the door open. "Hey, sorry I forgot my wall-" Sam stops mid word once he notices the two men on the floor. "et" he finishes as he grabs the object, and rushes out. There are just some things Sam Winchester doesn't need to see, and his brother sliding his hand down an angel's pants is one of them.