Author's Note: Hi everyone. I'm here to present my first Gossip Girl story since September. Please, please, please review! Reviews make me happy, just like how Chuck and Blair always make me happy!
Summary: Chuck had always been good at vanishing…but he'd never been good at trying to reappear. CB.
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
- Lifehouse 'Broken'
Chuck Bass had always been good at vanishing. He was able to make his emotions, fears and nightmares disappear with no trouble at all. And somewhere down the line, he had also been good at making people in his life vanish. He was able to make his father vanish before his father could get the chance to do it. He made Uncle Jack disappear from his life, which wasn't that much of a loss. And without him meaning to, Chuck managed to make Blair and their two young children disappear from his life. And that was Chuck Bass' only problem with this ability; he knew how to vanish, but he never knew how to reappear.
Chuck sat in the bar alone, downing as many drinks as he could. He and Blair had been having a lot of problems ever since Blair had given birth to their second daughter five months before. Blair was a wreck, having to stay home taking care of their two year old and five month old daughters and unable to go out like she used to, while Chuck would work and then go out with friends. Blair would try to get Dorota to watch their daughters so that she and Chuck could have a night together, but Chuck was always busy with work and insisted that he reschedule. But he never made plans when promised that he would. Blair was even frustrated that Chuck wasn't home long enough to help take care of their kids. She always had Serena over to help. It was never Chuck. And that broke her heart.
"Excuse me, sir, we're closing up." The bartender told Chuck. Chuck chugged whatever was left of his drink and he got up from the barstool. He already felt dizzy, but he continued to walk out of the bar. The New York air hit him with much force, adding to Chuck's dizziness.
Everything seemed to be spinning. The city lights all mixed in together and it left Chuck feeling dazed and confused. He had to make it disappear. He didn't want to feel this anymore. He had to make it all disappear. He was going to do what he did best; vanish. But while he was able to make the confusion vanish, Blair's angry and hurt words still rung in his head. He couldn't make them go away, no matter how hard he tried.
You're a terrible husband and a neglecting father!
No, he couldn't listen.
You're just like your father Chuck! You have no emotion or love in your heart; its all just work!
Make it go away.
If you want to walk out on us Chuck, that's fine!
Just shut up!
Go ahead and disappear like you always do!
Why wasn't this disappearing?
I don't need you to pretend that you love any of us!
No, that's not true Blair.
You've never loved anyone but yourself!
But he loved her.
If you walk out that door, don't you ever come back!
He had to come back. He couldn't throw away the lives they had created. He couldn't throw her away. He couldn't let go of the people who gave him love when he had made it disappear so many times before her.
I hate you.
He hated himself too.
And the bright lights that Chuck had tried to make disappear came back at him, flinging him back onto the cemented roads. His head hit the ground with a loud and painful thud. He couldn't keep his eyes open; everything was making him sick and dizzy. Everything that he had every wanted to disappear in his life was coming back, like haunting reminiscences that came to mock him. He heard disoriented voices around him, unsure of what they were saying. He felt a warm liquid rushing out from the side of his head but he did nothing to stop it. He lay in the middle of the street, trying to make himself vanish. He tried to disappear. He tried to make himself invisible. And he successfully made himself vanish; he was then surrounded by darkness.
I hope you burn in hell.
It looks like your wish will come true.
Chuck awoke several hours later, confused about where he had ended up. He found himself in a bed, with tubes and needles hooked up to him all over his body. The fluorescent lighting stung his sensitive eyes and a loud beeping noise was heard next to his ear. He felt pain all over his body. He couldn't remember the last time he felt pain like that before. He had shut out pain so long ago that he could barely remember the definition of pain. Chuck's eyes were now opened fully and he was able to let himself believe that he was in the hospital. He slowly shifted his head, to look at the loneliness that easily filled the room. Chuck's heart raced when he saw Blair sleeping in the chair beside his bed. He couldn't believe that she had actually come for him.
"Blair? Blair? Blair, wake up." Chuck choked out, stretching out is IV hooked arm to shake her awake. Blair groaned tiredly, but surely enough, her brown eyes appeared and she looked at Chuck. For moments, they just stared at each other, both unable to think of something to say. Chuck then saw a tear fall from Blair's tired eyes and she was quick to wipe it away. She had been crying a lot lately; he knew that. But she didn't want him to see her cry over him.
"Chuck…" Blair whispered with a shaky voice. Chuck hushed her gently as he took hold of her cold hand. He knew that she was crying over him and he had promised her that she would never cry over him in his wedding vow to her. But like everything else in his life, that vow was quick to disappear.
"Blair, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Chuck managed to say, as his eyes began to feel suspiciously heavy. Blair shook her head as she got up from her chair and she sat on the edge of Chuck's bed so she could get a better look at his face. And she instantly regretted it once she saw all the cuts and bruises that covered his face.
"The nurse called me about three hours ago. She told me that you got hit by a car and that you were drunk. Your leg is fractured and you just came out from having a blood transfusion. You just got out of the ICU an hour ago." Blair explained to Chuck as he still held her hand. Chuck only nodded his head, unable to comprehend anything that Blair had said. He could only think of Blair and his daughters.
"Where are the girls?" Chuck asked. Blair bit her lip and she looked down at their intertwined hands.
"Serena's with them. Dorota has the night off and both the girls were asleep. So I just called Serena and she came over to watch the girls. With Nate. Because he was with her and he wanted to stay with her, despite the fact that it was five o'clock in the morning. He just wanted to be with her and only her." Blair said as she began to cry. She was jealous of the relationship that Nate and Serena had. Nate would give up the world for Serena and Blair couldn't even get Chuck to take one night off from work to just spend time with her. Chuck could see the pain in her eyes and he gave her hand a squeeze.
"Blair, I'm so sorry. It's lame, but I'm so sorry." Chuck tried to apologize as he watched Blair's shoulders shake as her tears continued to fall from her eyes.
"Where did you go Chuck?" Blair tearfully asked.
"After our fight, I left for the bar and I just…" Chuck tried to explain but he was quickly cut off by Blair.
"That's not what I mean. Where did you go Chuck? The real Chuck vanished. You're not the Chuck that I loved and married. You're not the father that our girls love and admire. That Chuck is gone. Where did you go Chuck? Was it something that I did? Was it something I didn't do? Please tell me Chuck and I will try to fix it." Blair sobbed with pain in her eyes. Chuck shook his head as she raised his hand and he cupped her cheek into his hand. His thumb stroked her cheek in a backwards motion, wiping away as many tears as he could. He had never felt so guilty before in his life.
"You never did anything wrong. This is all my fault. I've been having a rough time at work and I've been taking it out on you and the kids. You deserve better and I'm sorry." Chuck apologized as he continued to stroke his wife's cheek.
"I know that's not the real reason Chuck. Please tell me the truth." Blair said quietly as she moved into Chuck's gentle touch. Chuck sighed, admitting that Blair was right. But he couldn't talk about it; it was something that he had refused to talk about. It was something he wanted to vanish. But as he stared into Blair's red and puffy eyes, he knew that he couldn't make the pain his disappearances of his pain and emotions caused her. No matter how many times he ran away, his infliction of pain towards her would never disappear. It would always be there to haunt him. He had to tell her; he had to make it okay.
"I was obsessed with having to prove that I was a better man than my father; both professionally and personally. But I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything. I let emotions dictate my decisions and I let memories cloud my judgments. I could hear my father's voice telling me that…I had to make it disappear. I had to dissolve all feeling if I was going to be successful. I tried to not listen, but I gave in and since then I've been so good at vanishing. I just never realized that the pain that you and the girls feel wouldn't vanish away with mine." Chuck said, with tears of his own slipping from his eyes. Blair choked on her sob as she rested down beside Chuck, crying into the crook of his neck. He held her with his arm and he cried into her hair. For minutes, they just remained like this, allowing their hidden emotions to release so they could be free from their pain. Finally, Blair lifted her head up so her face was only a breath away from Chuck's. Silent tears still streaked her face, but her face was strong.
"You have to promise me something Chuck." Blair said just above a whisper. Chuck lifted his hand and he wiped away Blair's tears.
"Anything." He promised. Blair bit her lip as she thought through her words. She then sighed as her eyes welled with more tears. But they weren't sad tears. They were tears of longing desire and acceptance.
"You have to accept feelings. They are never going to go away. You can't make them disappear. You're not like your father. You love the girls and I love you. You are welcome to come back home…if you promise to stop vanishing. We can't handle it anymore." Blair said, her voice breaking on her last word. Chuck saw how serious she was. Even after he had put her and the kids through hell, the love she had for him was still evident. And for once, he didn't want that emotion to disappear. He slid his hand along her face and he pressed his forehead to hers, taking in her breath.
"I promise, Blair. I won't let you down anymore. I love you." Chuck vowed as he pressed his lips against hers, realizing only then that he hadn't tasted them for months. Blair kissed him back and she allowed him to bring her closer, but careful not to touch his broken leg. Their lips broke apart and Blair rested herself down beside Chuck. He pressed a final kiss on her temple and both of their eyes closed, both knowing that when they would wake up…they would find that the other didn't vanish.
"Daddy!" A loud chirpy voice rejoiced, waking Chuck up almost immediately. He could sense that Blair wasn't lying beside him anymore but he could see his two year old daughter, Aurora sitting there, smiling at him. Blair was sitting back in the hospital chair, holding his five month old daughter, Adele in her arms. As Chuck looked into the eyes of Aurora, Chuck felt an urge to cry. He was going to die; he would have vanished for good. But he was alive and he was thankful that his daughter had woken him up from his slumber, just to remind him that it was good to be alive. Chuck smiled as he pulled her close to him and he placed a kiss on her forehead.
"Hey monkey. How's my girl?" Chuck asked in a singsong tone of voice. Aurora smiled at her daddy and she hugged him back.
"I'm good…are you hurt daddy?" Aurora asked when she caught a glimpse at all the cuts and bruises on her father's face. Chuck looked at his broken leg that was in a cast and he shrugged his shoulders.
"I was in pain before, but daddy's okay now. Were you a good girl for Auntie Serena and Uncle Nathaniel?" Chuck asked as Aurora nodded her head feverishly.
"Serena and Nate dropped them off here about half an hour ago. They wanted to see you." Blair explained as she got up from her chair and she sat on the edge of the bed beside Aurora, still holding Adele in her arms. Chuck stretched his arms out so he could hold Adele.
"And how's my little angel?" Chuck cooed to the infant who giggled when she saw her father making silly faces at her. Adele was saying something in gibberish and Chuck laughed as he placed a kiss on her soft cheek. He looked at his three favorite girls and he smiled thankfully.
"I'm so happy that all three of you are here." Chuck said, in a state of happiness he never imagined he would feel while he was confined to a hospital bed. Blair smiled as she ran a hair through his hair.
"We're just happy you're alive." Blair said. Chuck looked at his two daughters that were snuggled up into his chest and he couldn't imagine why he would be so stupid to want a feeling like this to go away.
"So, since I'm going to need to recover for a week and miss work …I'll be able to have a tea party with you and Adele, sweetheart." Chuck told Aurora, every word he said spitting the truth. Aurora smiled vividly as she wrapped her small arms around her father's neck.
"Thank you daddy!" Aurora exclaimed. Chuck smiled as he placed two kisses on both his daughter's foreheads and then he looked into Aurora's eyes one more time. This time, his eyes were serious.
"I will do anything you and Adele want. I will watch movies, I'll spin us around in my wheelchair or we can have as many tea parties as we want while mommy and Auntie Serena go shopping. But for one night, you are going to have to spend the night with Auntie Serena and Uncle Nathaniel." Chuck informed his eldest daughter, as Adele had fallen asleep on her father's chest.
"Why daddy?" Aurora asked. Chuck looked at his wife, who was staring at him with the same confusion that was in Aurora's eyes. He then let a smile of love and devotion cross his face as he placed his hand on Blair's knee.
"Because I'm going to be taking mommy out for dinner, so I can show her that I'm never going to disappear again." Chuck said to Blair, the love and realness in his voice bringing tears to Blair's eyes. She brought herself down and she pressed a kiss on her husband's lips, despite the fact that Aurora was making 'yuck' sounds. Blair pulled herself back from Chuck and she smiled.
"I love you." Blair told him. Chuck pressed one more kiss on her lips before giving her a smile.
"I love you too." Chuck promised to Blair. Blair smiled as she picked up Aurora and she rested down beside Chuck. Aurora was nestled in Blair's arms while Adele was nestled in her father's. They were a reconnected and happy family.
Chuck and Blair both knew that there were going to be more problems. They were both going to have moments where they were going to want to walk out on each other. But they had love within them; love for their children, love for life…and love for each other. And they knew that no matter how bad things seemed to get, that love would never vanish.
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