A/N: Yeppers, a new story! This is only going to be a two-shot, but hopefully it's funny!
And just to note: Twilight vampires can't get drunk. Stephenie Meyer said so. But, since I'm borrowing her characters for a bit, she probably wouldn't mind if I changed that one litle detail for my story.
Takes place after Breaking Dawn.
And Renesmee is at Charlie's house in the beginning.
And I'm going to have a link to Jasper and Edward's clothes on my profile, so go check that out!
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, the songs used, or Twizzlers. Well, I own a couple bags of Twizzlers. They're my thinking food ;]
It was time.
Time. I wait. Years, months, weeks, days, minutes, seconds. Because every second that goes by is leading up to this event that happens only once a decade. I looked out the glass back wall of our mansion, staring out into the misty colors that were autumn. The dull haze sorrounded the sunrise, slightly clouding my vision. I breathed in a deep breath through my nose, smelling all of the crisp, earthy scents of fall. I exhaled, watching my breath swirl right in front of me.
I was prepared. Alice was prepared. Rose was prepared. Even Esme and Carlisle agreed that this needed to be done, but their limit had been once a decade. I had been looking forward to this special event every ten years, for the past fifty years. The only people who didn't know about this were Bella, Renesmee, Jacob, and -of course- Edward and Jasper...
Well of course Edward and Jasper knew. They just never knew when. Surprise was definetly the best element I could work with right now.
Of course they would be furious afterwards. They always were. But they would get over it soon enough, atleast, soon enough for them not to expect it in another ten years...
Jasper and Edward were currently getting ready to go on a hunting trip (I suggested they go without me) and were planning on leaving in an hour. They had gone to Newton's sporting and camping goods to keep up appearances.
So it began.
"Alice, Rose, Bella!" My voice carried throughout the house, as they all were down here in a flash.
"Jeez Emmett, you didn't have to yell. We could hear you if you whispered." Bella, Bella...she still didn't know what we were doing.
"Bella, you're new to the Cullen family so I'll let you off this time. The event that is about to take place has to involve unneccasary yelling, and whispering, because it makes it more dramatic."
"Wha-?" She was about to ask me something, but she got cut off by a sudden loud voice echoing through the walls.
"Luuucy, I'm hooome!"
A door slammed, and following that, Jacob walked into the kitchen.
"Why the serious faces, everyone?" He asked with an eyebrow up and goofy smile on his face.
"Jacob, this is a serious matter. It's something that happens only once a decade, and if you want to be a part of it, you can." I told him.
He turned toward Bella, wearing a puzzled expression. "Bells, whats going on?"
Bella's face was aggravated. "I would tell you if I knew!"
"Come sit down on the couch and we'll explain. 'We' as in Rose, Alice, and myself." I told Bella and Jacob, leading them to the living room's huge white couch.
I quickly went to mine and Rose's room, and into the closet. I found what I wanted and pulled it out.
I wheeled the whiteboard into the living room, staring at my audience of two people.
I cleared my throat.
"Bella. Jacob. We are about to embark on a journey that Carlisle and Esme only let happen once a decade. They still don't fully approve, but they agree with us to an extent." I waved Alice up to explain her part.
"Now Bella, theres no denying it. If you had to choose two people from this family that just need to let loose and go crazy sometimes, who would you choose?
"Jasper and Carlisle." She said, with a defiant look, at the same time Jacob said "Edward and Carlisle."
Alice ignored Jacob. "Yes, that may be true, but Carlisle and Esme say there will be horrible consequences if we ever did this to Carlisle. So we choose the runner-ups."
"Edward and Jasper." Rosalie cut in. "Edward and Jasper are our primary targets here. They do need to let loose sometimes, and even if in doing so they get angry with us, it's still worth it."
And it came back to me.
"Bella, Jacob. We are going to get Edward and Jasper drunk."
What. What!? Did Emmett seriously just say what I think he said? Maybe I misheard him. I decided to double-check.
"Emmett, if you could be so kind as to say that again, I would be greatful."
"We're going to get Edward and Jasper drunk. Y'know, drunk, plastered, hammered, intoxicated."
Yes, he had confirmed my thoughts. This was crazy, absolutely insane. You can't get a vampire drunk! They can't even drink! The only thing we drink is blood!
If Emmett really was telling the truth about this, I would have to watch my back in the near future.
Jacob stood up, quickly, knocking over a mahogany end table. "What?! Bloodsuckers can get drunk?! How? And we're doing this to Jasper and Edward?" He had the most excited look on his face, like a little kid being told he could have candy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Emmett laughed his booming laugh, grabbed a dry-erase marker and started planning on the board enthusiastically. His hand was a pale blur as it moved swiftly across the board.
"Okay, as I have explained, we've done this four times before. What we do is..." He tapped to the first step on the huge white board. There was two stick men, one with orange marker for hair and one with yellow. It showed them running.
"Here are Edward and Jasper." He tapped the first step with his finger. "They're hunting obviously."
I looked toward step two. There was a big stick man labeled Em, a tiny stick girl labeled A, and another stick girl labeled R. There was a poor drawing of a deer too.
"Rose, Alice, and I will get our stocked up bottles of vodka and inject them into deer, all around the area Edward and Jasper are hunting, while you and Jacob inject some into all of the mountain lions in the area."
"That won't kill the animals, will it?" I asked worriedly, now accepting that Emmett wasn't kidding and we were actually doing this.
Emmett gave me a look that said 'Really Bella? Really?'
"Bells, they're gonna get eaten anyway." Jake sighed, wearing an exasperated expression.
"Fine..." I grumbled. They could be cruel to animals if they wanted but I wasn't killing them unless I had to. Which I did have to. To eat.
"Back to the game plan. We're going to inject the alcohol into the animals main blood streams using syringes. Then...we sit back and wait."
"Thats all we have to do? So they'll just appear at the house drunk out of their minds or what?" Jacob asked.
"Yep!" Alice squeaked with a huge smile on her face.
"And they are going to be out of their minds. When they're drunk, together they act like something you've never seen either act like before." Rosalie smirked.
Emmett went on. "They dress like..."
"Gangsters!" They all said simuateneasly.
"And they act like..."
"Over-emotional four-year olds!"
"And it's a good thing Nessie's not here," Emmett continued. "Because things can get a little...explicit."
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. How explicit could things get?
"Let's just say Edward and Jasper are not the same people they are when drunk..." Emmett smiled a huge Cheshire cat grin. "They call themselves-"
Alice stiffled a giggle. "No Em, don't spoil it. That's one of the best parts."
He nodded, very seriously. "You're right Alice. They need to see whats going to happen for theirselves."
Jake huffed. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go inject vodka into animals!"
* * *
I ran alongside Jacob in his wolf form as we tracked down some more mountain lions. The crisp air of autumn whooshed past me, as my bare feet glided across the earth, the hard sticks and stones feeling like velvet across the soles of my feet. I stopped what I was doing when a small crunch interupted my thoughts. Jacob stopped too as my head swiveled around to where I heard the soft noise.
Glowing eyes of a lioness appeared behind some bushes that sloped up on a small, rocky mountain. It w as hidden by leaves and shadows. The tree's cast long shadows on to the bramble she was hiding in.
I pulled the syringe out of my pocket, feeling it's cylinder shape. I nodded my head toward Jacob as he stalked and pounced the mountain lion. He held it down while I injected it, it's claws thrashing around. Silently, while I was waitting for it to empty, I pondered on why I was doing this. It seemed idiotic and dangerous to get vampires drunk. Who knew what they could do? But at the same time, a small part of me knew why I was doing this. I could not pass up the oppurtunity to actually see Edward and Jasper drunk. Truthfully, I mostly wanted to see what Edward was like, but Emmett had assured me it was much funnier when it was both of them. He also said Rosalie, Alice, and him had recorded it everytime they had gotten them intoxicated, but Jasper had found the stash of videos a few years back and he and Edward had burned the evidence.
I could feel the emptyness of the syringe so I pulled it out and watched as the mountain lion stumbled away. Jacob let out a wolfy laugh. We had done this to quite a few lions, and everytime, Jake never got tired of watching them flounder away, drunk out of their minds. Poor animals.
Just a few more to go.
* * *
Waiting was obviously torture for Emmett and Alice (who already had the video camera out), seeing as they were pacing, tapping their feet, etc.
"I don't understand it, they should be here by now! Usually it only takes an hour for them to come home drunk as a skunk!" said Emmett, breaking the silence. He silently paced back an forth some more.
"Emmett don't worr-" Alice abruptly stopped in the midst of her sentence. A smile crept up on her face. A smile that scared the living daylights out of me.
"Carlisle! Esme! Get down here and bring the extra video camera!" Alice screeched, throwing her hands up and waving them around frantically. Jacob and Emmett's face looked equally excited, while I was a bit nervous. Carlisle and Esme sauntered down the stairs looking totally at ease, while I wondered how in the world they approved of this.
I listened to the rythmn of my feet as I gracefully tip-toed toward Esme.
"Esme, do you really approve of this?" I asked quietly.
She smiled a sweet smile. "Bella, dear, Edward and Jasper do need let loose in front of us sometimes. The alcohol just encourages them."
Emmett popped up next to me. "Don't listen to her Bella. Alcohol does not encourage them. It totally pushes them to do things they never would have done if sober."
Esme frowned slightly at what Emmett said, confirming what he said to be true.
Oh dear god-
My thoughts were cut off as the front door busted open with someone I didn't recognize in a karate position, their foot still in the air from kicking open the door.
Alice let out a little squeal and started recording.
The door-kicker did a back-flip inside, while the other unknown next to him did a somersault in the air.
"Yo, what is up, Forks Washington?!" One of them cried out doing some wierd 'throw-your-hands-up-and-wave-them-gangster-like' kind of thing.
Alice giggled. "What is up, Edward?"
Edward? Edward?! That was my husband? Holy fudgesicles! I took a second before anything else happened to take a look at him. I looked him up and down. He was the one who kicked down the door and did a backflip. My god. He was wearing ultra-baggy black jeans, so low down that you could see his boxers which had unicorns on them(I don't recall seeing those...)! He was not wearing a shirt...mmm... and he had silver chains around his neck and a silver choke-chain. He was wearing a black side-ways baseball cap (shudder) that had Chicago Cubs written on it in white. As for shoes, he was wearing neon green DC tennis shoes.
What had happened to my husband?!
Though I must admit, his chest and arms did look really good in that muscle tank top...
That was besides the point! Get back on track Bella!
Next Jasper spoke. Dear god. I looked at him now. He was wearing the same baggy jeans as Edward, except his boxers had dinosaurs on them, and you could see less of them because he had a gold chain belt on, but it wasn't doing him that much good. Same shoes, except his were neon blue. He was wearing a black hoodie, but underneath it he had a wife-beater on too, and gold chains instead of silver. He didn't have a baseball cap, but had on a neon blue pair of those shutter shades. The kind of glasses with the lines in them that served absolutely no purpose. Yes, he had them.
Both of them were wearing rings that covered their fists. It looked like they spelled something, but I couldn't see what they said...
"What is up, NEW YORK CITY?!" Jasper yelled while Edward stuck his tongue out and shook his head.
Alice walked up to them. "Jasper, Edward, this is not New York. " This sparked a defensive glare from them.
Edward pranced over to us, with his baggy jeans threatening to come off any second, and cleared his throat.
"Allie Cat," He said, gesturing toward Alice. "Everybody knows Edward's not my name. Shall we FRESHEN their memories?!" He asked Jasper, who stumbled on over.
"Why, of course Ed-dawg!" They stood next to eachother, did a back-flip and landed with their fists out, right next to eachother. Oh god. I saw what their rings said now.
On both of Edward's fists, the eight knuckles (not counting thumbs) had a letter on each. It spelled:
E D W I Z Z L E
Right next to Edward's fists, were Jasper's. His said:
J A Z Z I P E R
"EDWIZZLE!" Edward shouted out.
"And JAZZIPER!" Jasper slurred
"HAhahahahahahHAhahah!" They laughed hysterically as they ran circles around eachother,
I walked up to Emmett.
"Emmett, this may be the funniest thing I've ever seen, but what have you done to my husband?!" I asked, shaking his shoulders.
Jacob was still in shock from seeing Edward and Jasper like this. I scurried over to him.
"Jake, are you seeing this? This is crazy! They're acting like gangstery 4 year olds!"
I felt an elbow leaned on my shoulder. "Oh pish posh, everyone needs to CHILL the fuck OUT!" I looked up to see Edward grinning at me with those wide, drunk, golden eyes. I noticed something in his smile.
"Edward, are those...braces?" I soon as the words left my lips, he covered his mouth with both hands, dropped to his knees and started dry-sobbing. He pointed a finger at Jasper.
"It's Jazziper's fault I had to get them!"
Jasper shouted "I told you not to eat so much candy!" As he walked over to him. In the process of walking, he slipped and landed on his butt next to Edward. They looked at eachother and both burst out in laughter.
"But-but-" Edward managed to get out in between his fits of crazy laughter. "But we went to Candy Mountain and I couldn't control my hunger for the delicious candy!
"I told you not to Edwizzle! I told you! But you didn't listen! Why?! Now you are deemed to be brace-face for ETERNITY!" They looked at eachother and cracked up laughing again.
I tried to catch their attention. "But Edward, you can't eat candy!" I shouted through their laughter.
He started dry-sobbing against the floor again. "Lies! LIES! All lies! You can check my teeth! Candy I tell you! Candy!"
Jasper dry-sobbed along with him. "Oh Edwizzle, why did you have to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? Why?! And why did you eat 9 bags of Twizzlers?!"
Emmett's face smiled and he took the camera and pointed it towards himself.
"Edward, this is your message for when we watch these together later: You ate more bags of Twizzlers than last time we did this! You are going to be SO sick in a couple of hours!" He turned the camera back towards them.
"Why will he be sick? And he ate Twizzlers last decade?" I asked Emmett.
"Bella, if you haven't noticed, we can't digest human food! Firstly, it's disgusting to us. Nobody would want to eat it. And secondly, we have to endure the puking it back up for thirty minutes part. Nobody likes that either. But supposedly, human food tastes good to Edward when he's drunk because he eats something everytime, and last year it was 5 bags of Twizzlers along with two bowls of vanilla ice cream, and 13 Jack In The Box tacos. He had one hell of a throw-up session when he was sober." Emmett looked very pleased, yet disgusted by this. How can you even eat that much?
Jasper picked up a water gun out of no where and started chasing Edward with it, whose pants were down to his ankles to where you could see all of his boxers.
Alice laughed. "I love your boxers, Edwizzle!"
"Thanks Allie Cat! See Jazziper! I told you you should have gotten these! Unicorns are so much more manlier than dinosaurs!" They stopped their chasing to debate unicorns vs. dinosaurs.
"I don't know. I'm liking the dinosaurs." Jacob said, laughing.
Jasper turned toward him. "Thanks Jaykizzle! See?! Dinosaurs PWN unicorns. End of discussion. Hey let's sing kareoke!" He pulled Edward along with him upstairs and reappeared with a microphone, Edward's iPod, and his iHome.
They formed a stage and tried to pick a song. While Jasper was looking, Edward was singing and dancing to random songs that Jasper passed on shuffle.
"Baby are you down, down, down, dow-"
"Shawdy's like a melody in myyyy head-"
"Crack a bottle! Letch your body waddle!"
"Hit me baby, one more time!"
"Blame it on the al-a-a-a-ah-alcohol!"
"Boom boom pow, that chick is jackin' my style!"
"Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a FREAK like me-"
"She wants to touch me WHOAH OH, she wants to love me WHOAH OH, she'll never leave me WHOAH OH WHOAH OH OH!"
(A/N: Each line is taken from one song. In order: Down- Jay Sean, Replay- IYAZ, Crack a Bottle- Eminem, Baby One More Time- Britney Spears, Blame it- Jamie Foxx, Boom Boom Pow- Black Eyes Peas, Don't Cha- The Pussycat Dolls, Don't Trust me- 3OH!3)
I didn't know Edward even had these songs on there. He hated this kind of music. Well...he never said he hated it. Just that Rock, Indie Rock, and Classical are his favorite...But I KNOW he didn't like the 70's. It also seems he was a closet 3OH!3 fan because he had their whole album. This was going to be one hell of a day.
A/N: Okay! It is not done! It turned out to be alot longer than I originally thought it was going to be. And I'm just so darn eager to get this story published. And I'm going to hopefully have some fan-art done for Edwizzle and Jazziper, so if I get that, I'll put a link to it on my profile. Please, please, please review and tell me what you think. It's not the reviews I want, so much as the content in the reviews I want. I want to know what you think, the parts you did and didn't like, any ideas and suggestions you have. Please, if they're good ideas, theres a fair chance I'll use them. So...please review! Review and I'll send drunk Edward and Jasper to your house! (Which is a GOOD thing. Trust me)