If I said I didn't miss you, I was lying.
I remember seeing you there.
Across the room. The day we met.
I had a fixation on you, even from that young age. You were strong, you weren't afraid to voice yourself. You were so carefree. I wanted to be that way. I wanted to be like you.
Do you remember the day we met? You probably don't... Roger gave me an apologetic look when you stomped off, claiming you "were too good for this place".
And I realized then. You were everything I couldn't be. You were everything I could wish to be.
Brave? Me? Not so much. It didn't take bravery to face the real Kira, with the rest of the SPK there to protect me like I was a small child in danger.
I'm not brave.
But you are... I don't get it. How did you do it? I just don't understand...
so much for being a genius, correct?
I tried to get close to you.
But you brushed me off... just some albino kid in the corner. Nothing to worry about.
And then I was at the top, number 1 right under L.
You certainly didn't like that. No, you abhored that. With a passion.
It seemed you just had to be at the top. You had to be better than everyone else. Even if it meant giving up your own life to beat me...
But who was I to stop you? I only kept my place.
And then, you met Matt.
Matt seemed to be something I'm not, but not the complete opposite of me. You didn't worry about beating him. He seemed to gladly let you surpass him. He just wanted to play video games, until the sun rised. And yet he was willing to do anything for you.
Why couldn't I be like that? Was I too fixed on being L? I wanted to do anything for you... but that would mean giving up my place as number 1. I was so selfish. I seemed to only care about myself... why is that?
And years passed... and when you ran away, I shook my head, pretending I didn't care. That wasn't the case, no... not at all.
I guess somewhere along the lines, I loved you. I loved everything about you.
That scar didn't even damage your beauty. You glowed to me.
Yet you hated me. You never seemed to realize my fixation for you, either.
I couldn't stop myself.
Genius? Me? No. A genius could never fall into such a horrible emotion that they call love. That one stupid emotion, that I always wanted to rid myself of. I wanted to be like L, keeping his emotions locked up, never giving love... yet I am Near. I could never be L.
And neither could you, Mello. But together, we were L. Did you ever seem to see that? Of course not. Neither did I, actually. I only seemed to have seen it after... after you died.
And the unfortunate news of your death seemed to hit me like someone had thrown a baseball at my face. Again, I pretended not to care. I pretended as if you were nothing to me.
Not the case, no... if I said I didn't miss you, I was lying. You were the farthest thing from "nothing" to me.
You were close to everything.
I missed you more than I missed L. More than I missed my toys. More than I missed not being so captivated by you.
But did you look at me? Did you care?
No... no Mello, you did not.
I love you, Mello. As much as I hate admitting, I love you.
If I ever said differently, I was lying. Lying like Pinocchio. If I was such a puppet, my nose would stretch many feet in front of me.
I am a liar.
Such a horrible liar.
Mello, I hate you for leaving me here.
But if I said I hated you, I was lying.
January 26th, 2010.