With my recent purchase and completion of Portal, I got a good idea for a oneshot. Here it is!
"Okay, I think we're just about ready to start." Vince Johnson, Chief Financial Officer of Aperture Science, stood up in front of the board of directors. "As you all know," Vince said as he slid the cover off of a projector lens, "we've been given quite a bit of breathing room after the government dropped funding of Linear Research Laboratories. Now, we and Black Mesa are the only ones left in the industry. This leaves more of the government's funds for us, but now we are in direct competition with Black Mesa." Vince turned on the projector and his laptop. As the projection slowly grew brighter on the wall, Vince continued. "Now, we're sure that once we get the kinks worked out of the handheld portal device, we'll gain a significant chunk of the market share. The problem is, GLaDOS has told us that she'll need a month to finish testing and in that time, Black Mesa is expected to finalize their testing and blow us out of the water. For the next month, we'll need to cut back costs as much as possible in case Black Mesa gets delayed somehow. I have a few ideas, but I expect some input."
Vince started the slideshow. "The first idea I have is concerning the relaxation vault. It takes thousands of dollars to maintain and it doesn't really do anything."
A flatscreen monitor above the projection lit up with random pictures as a computerized voice began to speak. "Objection."
Vince sighed. "GLaDOS, we've told you not to listen in on the board meetings."
GLaDOS ignored Vince and continued. "The relaxation vaults have been proven to calm our test subjects before they are thrust into painful and unnecessary torture."
"That's exactly my point, GLaDOS. If we're going to put the test subjects through all that, why relax them first?"
"Do you have any other ideas?" GLaDOS asked.
"Yes, but I'd like to hear from other board members. Any of you have ideas?" Vince looked over the board. A fat man sitting on the left raised his hand.
"Weren't we supposed to have cake in this meeting? GLaDOS promised us." A few other board members nodded in agreement.
"No, you were not supposed to-" Vince was cut off as GLaDOS spoke up.
"There was an error in the transit of the cake. The Aperture Science Cake Escort Team was unfortunately murdered. This will delay your cake for an infinite number of minutes. And you are fat."
"Hey!" The board member yelled.
"People, we need ideas!" Vince raised his voice.
"You promised cake!" Another board member yelled.
"Certain objects may be vital to your success. Cake is not among them. Also, you are fat. And adopted. Your real parents were doughnut store franchise owners. Which explains why you are so fat. Even your voice is fat."
The fat man was speechless as he sputtered out incoherent words.
Vince turned to a white courtesy phone on the wall in the meeting room. "Maintenance, can you check GlaDOS's anger core? I think there's a loose contact."
"You did not just call maintenance on me." GLaDOS stated.
"Yes I did." Vince replied as he changed the slide on his computer.
"I hate it when they climb on me and whack me with wrenches. It makes a bad sound, to tell the truth."
"So no one has any ideas?" Vince looked at the monitor and then at the board.
"What if we assassinated the research team at Black Mesa?" A board member asked.
"Nothing illegal, please." Vince responded.
"I can make it look like an accident." GLaDOS said.
"No, no, forget that idea. Well, one idea I had was to get rid of the room full of fire at the end of chamber 19. We have it going twenty four-seven and it takes up immense amounts of fuel."
"Impossible. We have tested the screams of our test subjects as they are being put through various forms of torture and we have confirmed that fire achieves the highest decibel level."
"So, you want to keep the fire because it makes the subjects scream the loudest?"
"Well done. You have solved the mystery." GLaDOS replied sarcastically.
"Why can't we just throw them into a bed of spikes?" Vince asked.
"That's not very original." A board member reasoned.
"Vince has a point. We could slowly lower the test subjects into an Aperture Science Emergency Intelligence Incinerator." Another board member said.
"That's the kind of thinking I like to see!" Vince exclaimed.
"The chamber of fire stays." GLaDOS said. "Also, I hope you know there is currently a man climbing on me and attempting to make me stop moving. I would like to offer a public service announcement to all personnel."
Vince sighed, defeated. "Go ahead."
GLaDOS came on the P.A. "Attention to all Aperture Science Personnel. I do not appreciate being frisked by the maintenance team. If you are a member of the maintenance team, please think long and hard about the terrible decisions you have made in your life. And then kindly die."
Vince sighed. Maybe he could save a buck if he skipped the cake at the cafeteria.