This is a story for the "Kill MarySue!" contest. Also my first jaunt into the terrible world of Sues. I hope it doesn't bomb. It says Humor/Drama, but it's predominantly a Parody with some of those elements thrown in for good measure.

By the way, I don't own Max Ride. There, I said it.

P.S. This is probably the longest one-shot I've written to date, so don't be daunted by the size.

(3'rd person)

Yes, finally! After all these years, Maryella Susanne Ezmerrelda Ruby Cheshire Moonunit Fireflare Anastasia Moonleaf de Unicorn Isabella-Marie Starflame the fifth was free!

She groaned, stretching her lithe body to help get her blood flowing after fifty years of sleep. She peered past the rim of her chrysalis with her piecing, almond shaped eyes the color of the deepest ocean and scanned the room, instantly taking in everything about it.

There were machines all around her, buzzing and beeping. She could only deduce that their purpose was to keep her from waking. They had apparently not counted on the natural electric charge her body emitted.

At one of the consoles she noticed the limp form of a human body slumped over at it's station.

The shock from me overloading the equipment here must have knocked this being unconscious, she thought. She swung her perfectly sculpted legs unto the floor and glided over to the human, her lilac robes flowing behind her in a ethereal trail glowing satin. She placed her featherlight hand on the skin of it's neck and exhaled deeply, concentrating.

Hmm, no permanent damage. It appears this person is in fine health. A happy smile appeared on Maryella's face, She could be helpful to me. Maryella placed her hands over her heart and said a silent prayer. A moment later the woman's eyes fluttered open and she glanced around the room anxiously.

"Oh my god, this can't be happening!" she fretted, realizing what had happened. Her hands flew across various keyboards in an attempt to right the problem. "This system was suppose to be failproof, there's no possible way this should be happening!"

While she was still mumbling she suddenly felt a presence behind her. She spun around and gasped in horror at the face of the very being she was suppose to watch. "N-n-no, it can't be. You shouldn't be here, you should be sleeping. The program was suppose to make sure of that!"

"I did sleep," the creature said, her voice calm and soothing. Placating even, "but now that I've rested enough, I have a job to do."

"NO! T-this isn't right; y-you were put away for a reason," the scientist stammered, slowly pulling out a gun from the pocket of her lab coat. "I-I have to make sure you st-t-tay that way." She emptied the clip right into the heart of the evil being, but it was completely ineffective. It didn't seem remotely affected by the bullets, and the wounds were already starting to disappear. In desperation she threw the gun, but it merely disintegrated two inches from it's face.

This was when she screamed.

"Don't be afraid," the creature said to the girl, who was now curled up in a ball, "my purpose is not one of evil, but of righteousness." It leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on the frightened girl's forehead with its' luscious, soft, crimson lips.

At this the girl seemed to be less afraid; she stopped sobbing and looked up at the creature with sad, scared eyes. Like those of a disciplined puppy.

"Be still," the creature said in it's sweet, angelic voice, "you knew not what you were doing. But it's alright now, I'm here." It knelt down next to the frightened scientist and it layed her head on it's lap. As it gently stroked her hair she slowly fell asleep, dreaming only of her and her Lady.

"After all," Maryella said, "I can't very well save the world alone, can I?" It then sunk it's fangs into the sleeping girl's neck.


(Max's POV)

I finally got a car. Finally! After waiting two looooooong years my parents finally consented to let me have one.

OK, so it was a beat-up, craptasic old van that had a worse paint job than the Mystery Machine and none of its' charm, but it was mine, and that made it right by me.

Why do I need a van when I have freaking wings and can fly at almost supersonic speeds, you ask? It's because sometimes, when you're saving the world, you don't want to draw attention to yourself.

Like if you, your five siblings and their talking dog, all have wings.

OK, so Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy and Angel weren't my siblings per say, but I'd known then their whole lives and couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather have in my Flock.

Which bring me to where we are now; in the carpmobile, heading off to destroy another hidden offshoot of the mega-corporation Itexicon.

"Just because you've cut off the head doesn't mean the body disappears overnight," Jeb had told me. "When I was working with the Director in Germany I found out about many brachesthat were hidden behind layers of 'dummy' fronts that the government isn't even close to tracking down." How he knew that I'll never know, but needless to say we didn't lounge around the house to long after that.

So now we were all piled into the Rolling Toolbox, going to cut another root from the big Itex tree.

To coin a phrase.

"Maaaaaaaaax!" Nudge whined in the back, "When are we going to get there?"

"Not for another hour at least," I told her, trying not to let my building frustration distract me from the road ahead.

"But I'm hungry! We haven't had anything since breakfast. And I have to go to the bathroom, and Gazzyand Iggy are being annoying, and I have to fix my hair, and I-Mmmmph!"

"Nudge," Iggy whispered darkly in her ear, "shut up, or else."

Nudge decided to take a nap after that.

"Seriously, Max, where is this alleged place we're suppose to be going to?" Fang asked from the passenger seat. "You kind of neglected to tell us when we left the hotel this morning."

Dang it! I hate it when he makes valid points; it's so hard to defend against them.

"It's suppose to be some R&D building that went defunct a year ago," I explained. "Jeb said it was one of their top research facilities."

"So how are we gonna take it out when we get there?" The Gasman asked. "'Death from above'? 'Blow the reactor'?"

"'Puppet Master'?" Angel asked eagerly, just itching for a chance to stretch her mind control powers.

"I'm not sure yet," I said. "I guess we'll just figure it out when we get there."

"In other words you have no idea what we're doing," Iggy pointed out snarkly.

"I'm glaring at you in the mirror, Ig," I told him, trying to keep my eys on the road at the same time. He was right though, I didn't have a plan yet. Call it a personal weakness of mine.

Don't worry, I'm totally going to gut him later for that.

"Pfft, whatever," he scoffed. Then, under his breath, (but still loud enough for me to hear), he muttered, "I still say Fang should have been in charge this time."

Yeah, I know; he's a chauvinistic sexist pig with no tact, but he's my chauvinistic sexist pig with no tact.

"Are we there yet?" Total moaned. He had been strangely silent this whole time, "I have to go to the little canine's room."

"Fine," I exasperated, rolling my eyes, "I can take a hint. We'll stop at the gas station we come by-"

"Max, look out!" Fang yelled, jerking my eyes back to the road in front of me. There, standing right in front of the van, was a woman who had not been there seconds before. Trust me on this, our eyes are like ten times better than a normal human's.

Immediately my foot slammed on the brake and I swerved out of the way at the last possible second. And yes, I do know this totally sounds just like an action movie cliche. When we finally screeched to a stop, (just barely avoiding turning the van over I might add), I look back at everyone and automatically made everyone give me a status report.

Hey, old habits die hard.

There were a few bumps, but other then that everyone was fine.

Except for Fang, who had mysteriously disappeared.

As Nudge would say, "ZOMG, Fang totally disappeared".

"ZOMG Max, where did Fang go? He totally just disappeared."

Do I know my Flock or what?

I would have majorly flipped out had I not fortunately seen him outside the van, bending down next to the body I almost hit a minute ago. From what I could see the girl (who I now got a better look at) seemed to be a bit dazed, but otherwise uninjured. The thumbs-up sigh from Fang confirmed it.

"So why did you swerve like that, anyway?" Total asked, shakily getting to his feet. "I've probably got whiplash now."

Could dogs even get whiplash? Never mind, stupid thought.

"Cause if I didn't there would be a road pizza for someone to clean up," I snapped back, maybe a little too harshly.

Nudge and Angel made "Eww" faces at this.

"Is the car at least OK?" Iggy asked.

"The car is fine," I said, "and so is the girl we almost ran over, thank you for asking."

"What do you mean we. Mrs. Driver?" Total asked snidely.

Oh, if I totally wasn't against animal cruelty....

"I'm going to go check with Fang," I said, ignoring the little fuzzball people sometimes referred to as a dog.

As I caught up to Fang I noticed what the girl we- OK, I- almost ran over looked like. The first thing I noticed was how stunning she looked. I mean, like, REALLY stunning. Say you put her next to the official "hottest girl in the world" That girl would look 500 pounds, her hair would be no better then twine, her eyes would be pebbles, her teeth would look like a forest, and her voice would sound like amplifier feedback with some nails on a chalkboard mixed in for good measure.

Wait a second, how would I even know what this girl's voice sounds like? I haven't even heard her speak yet.

For that matter, why was I even thinking this at all? Pull it together, Max.

"Are you all right?" I asked, my eyes scanning every inch of her for possible injuries.

"I'm fine," The girl said, her voice incredibly silken and reassuring, "I think it was just the excitement of teleporting in front of a moving vehicle."

"You can teleport!?" the others, who had now joined me and Fang, gasped. Except for Angel, who was looking a little green around the gills (and no, I don't mean her actual gills this time; it was just a figure of speech). Maybe she got tossed around more than I thought.

"Among many other things. By the way, my name is Maryella Susanne Ezmerrelda Ruby Cheshire Moonunit Fireflare Anastasia Moonleaf de Unicorn Isabella-Marie Starflame, the fifth."

I sweatdropped.

"Don't you have a shorter name," I asked, still realingfrom before, "like, one that's shorter?"

"You may call me Maryella," Maryella said. She looked at me with demeaning eyes, "Don't feel bad if you can't remember something so absurdly simple, a lotof people have that problem."

OK, did she just dis me? Please tell me someone else noticed that.

"Yeah Max, don't feel bad just because you're a freak that can't remember peoples' names."

"Well thanks alot, Mr. Tact," I shotback, "the guy who can't even remember peoples' faces." I know, I went there, but in my defense he really wasn't that tactful.

"That was kind of mean, Max," Gazzy chastised.

"Yeah," Nudge agreed, "you really shouldn't have gone there."

"Oh come on, guys," I pleaded, "we always act like this, what makes now so special?" I looked over at Fang, hoping to get some moral support.

"I'm kind of with everyone else on this," he said. He gave me an incredibly disappointed look, "You picked on the blind guy."

"You too!?!" I parctically screamed. I looked over at Angel, "Please don't tell me you agree with then on this."

"Mm-hm," she nodded weakly. Boy, she was really starting to look bad; maybe she was coming down with something.

Well, at least she was agreeing with me. Max:1

Sigh, Flock:4

"Maximum 'Tactless' Ride."

Grr, I growled, make that five.

"Ooh," Maryella sighed, "I'm feeling a bit thirsty, do you have anything to drink?"

"I think we have some Redbull in the van," Nudge offered.

"That would be fine," she said, her voice singing like a choir of young angels. God, I wish my voice were like that; it was so awesomilistic.

OK, I thought as I shook my head, what in holy heaven was that!? The only time I'd even remotely thought like that was once in a blue moon, and I was not about to make a habit out of it.

And for that matter, why was my Flock acting that way? They were just standing around this chick (and yes, I get the irony here), ogling her and hanging onto every word she said.

"Your drink," Iggy said, apparently having already got and came back with the Redbull. He was also bowing on one knee, "for the most beautiful person on the planet. *Or at least more so than Max*," he said under his breath.

I heard him of course.

"Real mature Ig," I said, not bothering with tact anymore. "Besides, I thought we already made it clear that you were blind."

"What are you talking about?" he asked, as if not quite understanding the statement. However, before I could come up with a suitable retort, he said, "I can see perfectly fine", turning towards me. His eyes, now a vibrant shade of sky blue, looked over me and he said, "Though now I wish I were still blind. Seriously, you've been wearing THAT this whole time?"

"He's right, you do have terrible choice on fashion, Max," Nudge said. "I mean, leather jackets are so totally 1950's, and those jeans really don't suit your figure."

"Are you TRYING to turn me off or something?"

OK, Fang turning completely against me was the last straw.

"Max," Angel said, tugging on my (apparently ugly) jacket. "I don't feel so...." and promptly collapsed at my feet. I knelt down next to her and checked her forehead.

It was ice cold.

I checked her pulse next, and found that it was almost nonexistent. To top it all of it sounded like she was barely breathing at all.

Correction, THAT was the last straw.

"Angel, Angel," I said, light slapping her face out of desperation. I mean, she just got a years' worth of sick in five minutes and then collapsed on the ground in front of me.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a bad thing last time I checked.

"What did you do to Angel?!" I snapped, turning back to glare at Maryella Soozie-foozie Moonunit or whatever her freaking name is. I mean, if you put two and two together, she's the only person who could even be remotely responsible; almost making us crash, turning the Flock against me, Angel collapsing, it all happened after she showed her obnoxiously perfect face.

"I don't know what you mean," Mary-blah-blah-whatever said in an extremely condescending tone, "I haven't layed one finger on her." Unsurprisingly, this was met with a chorus of agreement from the Flock.

Time to play the desperation card.

"Guys," I said, my voice reeking with as much desperation as I could muster, "you never act like this. OK, maybe you do, but not nearly this bad. I think Mary-what's-her-face here is controlling you."

"Maryella Susanne Ezmerrelda Ruby Cheshire Moonunit Fireflare Anastasia Moonleaf de Unicorn Isabella-Marie Starflame," Total corrected, "the fifth."

"Whatever! The point is you're being manipulated."

...Silence and stunned looks.

"Why don't you like me, Maximum?" the rhymes-with-witch that had my Flock enthralled said to me. "Is it because my Flock like me better than you?"

OK, that was ABSOLUTELY the last straw. Seriously, I promise.

"You can insult me as much as you want," I said, dropping into my fighting stance, "but nobody, I mean NOBODY, breaks up the Flock."

Mary-something-or-other sighed.

"I'm truely disappointed in you, Maximum. I suppose you should just leave, then."

"Over my dead body." Man, can I be tough or what?

"That can be arranged," Mary-fart said ominously. "How does the Abyss of Certain Destruction sound?"

Crazy lady Flock stealer say huh?

Suddenly, said Flock stealer was hovering in the air, gathering some type of energy above her head. It looked suspiciously like she was about to blast me into the next dimension or something. You know, like on those wacky Japanese cartoons. But I digress...

Realizing that she was probably serious about attacking me, I scooped up Angel flew the heck out of there. (And no, I wasn't running away. I was retreating to a better tactical possition.)

At least you can't complain about life being boring, the OH-so-helpful Voice decided to mention.

"Thank you, thank you SO much!" were the last things I said before I became enveloped in a blinding white light.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
(3'rd person)

"There," Maryella said, dusting her robes off (though they never soiled anyway), "that takes care of the trash." She turned back to look at her new flock, "Now, what are your names"

"I'm Nudge," the one apparently called "Nudge" said cheerily. She then pointed out the others in turn, "and this Gazzy, Iggy, Total, and Fang."

"Hmm, 'Fang', it seems a bit too lacking for someone as dreamy and heroic as you," it mused, caressing his face with it's tender, sensitive hands. "Maybe something more heroic like 'Jupiter'."

"I don't mind," "Jupiter" said, "as long as it pleases you."

"Of course it pleases me," Maryella said reassuringly. "Now," she said confidently, "we must go to Candy Mountain. It is a Wonderful World of Wonder and Might."

The flock did know what she meant, but at the same time they did care; If their Mistress wanted to go there, it was perfectly OK with them.

--------------------------------------------------------
(Max's POV)

So this is what the afterlife is like, I though as I floated through a sea of swirling colors. Complicated psychedelic patterns and half clear images whizzed and flitted passed my eyes. I might have even seen something that looked like a four piece pop-rock band from the sixties with bowl cuts.

You know, maybe I was on drugs. I mean, I don't really have anything else to base it on, just my one and only stint with Valium.

I thought about this for a few minutes (or a few years; it's really hard to tell time in this place) before I started feeling a dull pain form in the back of my head. It was intensifying, and I was also starting to see a white light off in the distance coming towards me. As it got closer, the pain seemed to get stronger.

Suddenly I jolted upright, shouting "Angel!".

"Oh good," a voice to my right said, "she's awake. HEY! SUZANNE, SHE'S AWAKE!"

God, I hope it only felt like my ears were bleeding. (Now I know how Iggy feels.)

"There's no need to shout, Stuart, I'm right here," a strained voice replied.

It was around this time when I remembered that I had just been blasted into oblivion by a crazed Flock stealer with unnatural good looks. It was pretty painful, and all that pain came rushing back at once. I winced and I felt tears running down my cheeks.

"Hi there Max," The first voice, (male), said again, "You feeling OK?"

"Up-" I managed to say before another wave of pain ripped through my body, preventing me from finishing the sentence with "yours".

SMACK! I turned my head slightly and saw a man and a woman (with glasses by the way) standing next to each other. The woman had her hands on her hips and was glaring at her partner, and he in turn was rubbing the back of his head, looking incredibly sheepish.

"Idiot, of course she's not alright, she just got blasted by a freaking Sue!"

I think I might like this woman.

"Well SORRY for being a little concerned," the guy retorted.

"Who the...hell are you?" I asked in between the spurts of pain.

"I'm Suzanne," the woman said. She jerked a thumb towards the guy, "and that idiot is my partner, Stuart."

"We're the Independent Society for the Total Elimination of Mary-Sues, senior agents," Stuart said. "Or I.S.T.A.M.S. for short."

"We travel across the Fan-scape," Suzanne explained, "preserving the integrity of Fandoms that have been infected by Mary-Sues."

"Or Gary-Stus, the male version," Stuart added.

"Mary-Sues?" I pressed.

"Creatures of unimaginable power and beauty that infect Fandoms and eventually overshadow all the canon main characters." Suzanne paused. "The one you met was a particularly nasty one."

"Maryella Susanne Ezmerrelda Ru-"

"I get it!" I croaked, trying to cover my ears. This only brought on new pain when I attempted to move my arms.

"The point is, Maximum, that she's an incredibly high level Sue," Suzanne, continued. "In fact, I'm surprised that they were even able to construct a means to hold her in you reality."

"She can't be that bad," I said, mostly to convince myself that it really wasn't that bad.

"Sues are probably the most powerful beings in existence," Suzanne said solemnly, "almost god-like; they're immortal, undefeatablt in battle, and can seduce anyone and anything without so much as a thought.

Well, that explains why the Flock was acting like idiots.

The Flock.

Angel!

"Where's Angel!" I demanded, clutching the collar of Suzanne's leather jacket. "What happened to her!"

"Calm down," the Anti-Sue Agent or whatever she was said evenly, carefully prying me off her shirt and nudging me onto my back again, "she's fine. She was a little worse off than you were when we found you two, so we had to put here in a regeneration harness."

She pointed behind a glass wall, and sure enough, there was Angel. She floating inside a big gyroscope, you know, the carnival rides that are suppose to make you real dizzy? She still looked unconscious and she was covered in bruises, but I could see she was breathing, so I knew she would be alright.

"So what happened to her anyway?" I asked. "How come she collapsed before?"

"It was probably a reaction caused by the close proximity of two opposing Sues," she said matter-of-factly.

"Huh?" I said, the point flying completely over my head.

"Let' me try this again," the ISTAMS agent said patiently. "First, there are canon Sues, and there are independent Sues. Canon Sues are (compared to the independents) rather weak and normally don't pose serious problems to the fandom. Independent Sues are abominations created by unsuspecting authors that usually take over the fandom, bending it to their own twisted desires. Most of the time they they befriend all the characters, fix all the 'problems', and more than not push the mains completely out of their own series."

If anyone out there is going "Ding ding ding!", give yourselves a cookie.

"Sometimes, if a canon Sue and an Independent Sues come in close proximity to each other, the weaker one (usually the canon Sue) usually suffers has some sort of adverse reaction, in Angel's case extreme fatigue followed by fainting."

"Wait wait wait, back up a second," I said, something not quite clicking in my brain. Though honestly, that could be because of the beating I just took, "you're saying Angel is a Sue?"

"Yes. But don't worry, she won't become as bad as Maryella is," Agent Suzanne reassured me. "At most she'll probably just make her occasional bids for power, but after she hits puberty that should go away."

I sighed, momentarily reassured that the youngest member of the Flock was fine.

"So happens now? You guys go in and shut this Sue down or something?"

"More like the 'Or something'," Stuart, the male agent said, coming back into the room. "We're actually not allowed to intervene directly into the fandom, something about agents not controlling their fangirl urges something like that."

"Well that's kind of a gyp then; how do you stop these things if you're not allowed to do anything?"

"I didn't say we weren't allowed to do anything," the agent said defensively. "While we're not allowed to meddle directly, we're perfectly free to help legitimate canon characters to fight the Sues off on their own."

"So how exactly do you do that," I asked, gesturing to the many bandages that now adorned my body, "seeing as I can barely walk."

"That won't be a problem for much longer, seeing that the Med-bits are almost done healing you."

"Med-whats?" I said, still confused.

"Med-bits," Suzanne explained, "are nanoscopic machines that help the human body heal at a highly accelerated rate. Their effectiveness can even be tripled on beings with naturally high regeneration abilities, such as you and your Flock."

"Think about it; how long has it been since you felt any pain in your extremities?"

Come to think of it, I hadn't felt any unpleasantness for some time now. Experimentally, lifted my arm. No pain. I sat up, and again no pain.

Even when I opened my wings it totally felt like I never been hurt before.

"You said something about helping me?" I said to the guy agent as I hoped off the table I was laying on.

"You're right, here," he handed me a knapsack that looked suspiciously like the old ones the Flock used to have. Inside were a plethora of odd looking gadgets that I couldn't even begin to guess the function of.

"What are these?" I asked, pulling out something that looked a whole heckuva lot like a pair of Ipod earbuds.

"Those will cancel out the sub-harmonics in the Sue's voice that allow them to seduce and entrance others." He then stuck his hand in the bag and began pulling out other random devices.

"...And these are your Flame grenades (very effective against Sues, while leaving anything canon unharmed), Epiphany (warning; these don't always work), your Desensitizer pistol (helps bring people back to your side), your-"

"I think she gets it," Suzanne said sternly, pinching his ear and dragging him away. "Go wake up Angel; the Harness should be more than done by now."

"Yes, dear," he said meekly as he slunk off to get Angel.

"'Dear'?" I asked incredulously. The agent had a mischievous glint in her eye.

"Let's just say," she smiled, "he knows who's in charge here." We both chuckled.

"Max!" Angel cried a minute later when she came into the room, embracing me. "You're all right!"

"You bet'cha, Kiddo," I said, hugging her back, "and I'm going to take care of that stinking Sue for messing with us."

Angel's face darkened at the mention of the Sue.

"What's wrong, Sweety?"

"Please be careful," she said, "this thing is really dangerous."

"I know, the time agents told me."

"Actually," Stuart corrected, "we're the Independent Society for the-Ow!"

"She knows already, Nimrod!" Suzanne barked, whacking him over the head again.

"It's not just that, Max," Angel persisted. "I was able to read her mind before I fainted. It was scary."

OK, when Angel says something is scary, I worry.

"Scary how?" I pressed. "What was it like?"

"It was like...like," she stammered, trying to find the right words to say, "it was like everything. But an evil kind of everything, you know?"

I didn't know, but I kept that fact to myself for the moment.

"Don't worry, I'll be extra careful," I told her. She still looked a bit uncertain, but she nodded, letting me know she was with me on this.

"OK Max, I'm with you on this."

Seriously, do I not know everything about my Flock?

"Max," Suzanne said, grabbing my shoulder. I had to fight years of paranoia to notput her in a headlock then and there, "take this." She handed me something that looked like an oversized syringe. It was all black except for a glowing green liquid in the center.

"What is it?" I asked, somewhat unnecessarily.

"It's an anti-virus for the Sue," the anti-Sue agent explained.

"Just jam her with it and she'll be completely dead," the other agent, Stuart, added.

This I liked.

"Got it," I said, nodding once.

"We're going to drop you back in your universe now, so be ready.

Angel and I nodded again.

"And be warned transfer might feel a little tingly," Stuart explained, "this is normal. It's almost never something bad."

"Wait, ALMOST!?!" I screamed before I was engulfed by another white light.


When the light faded I was back on the ground again. Which, incidentally, I don't think I was ever happier to see. (Except for that time in Hawaii, but I won't get in to that.)

"Max," Angel asked, looking around, "where are we?"

I looked around myself and saw that we had been dumped rather unceremoniously in an alley. In a dumpster no less.

"Nice little change of pace," I muttered, brushing some trash off my wings, "it looks like we're in an alley."

I know that, Angel said with her mind. The eyebrow was a nice touch, "where exactly?"

I peeked over the top of the dumpster and saw the clogged streets, crowded sidewalks, and flashing lights of Time Square.

"We're in New York," I said, the surprise in my voice and on my face showing. I mean, hadn't we been on the complete other side of the country when this whole debacle started?

"Ooh, can we go to AFO Schmidt's?" she pleaded, flashing her (infamous) Bambi Eyes at me. "Please?" Fortunately, my anger at Mary-Shmary Whose-it was greater than Angel's cuteness.

But not by much.

"Angel," I said slowly, "we kind of have to go save the Flock, which includes your brother I might add, from that evil, unnaturally perfect, Flock stealer she-witch, OK?"

"OK," she sighed, using every fiber of her being to portray incredible sadness.

Lord, give me strength.

"Ask me again when all this is over," I said, rubbing her shoulder.

She immediately perked up at this.

"OK Max, let's go." She jumped to her feet and began dragging me along behind her. I almost forgot to grab the backpack she pulled me out of there so fast.

"Whoa, hold your horses, Sport. Do you have any idea where you're going?"

"Yup," she said confidently, "the Empire State Building."

"Why there?" I asked.

"Because that's where the Sue is," she told me, her voice determined.

How does she know that?" I wondered.

Because I can feel where she is, she thought ot me, as if she knew what I was thinking.

Oh, wait....


I flew up to the top of the Empire State Building (A. because it was much faster than walking, and B. there was no way in Hell I was getting in one of those elevators, no matter how fast people said they are) for my final confrontation with Maryella Susanne Ezmerrelda Ruby Cheshire Moonunit Fireflare Anastasia Moonleaf de Unicorn Isabella-Marie Starflame, the fifth.

Hey, I just managed to say her entire freaking name. Yay me!

But enough of that, I'm sure all you readers are much more interested in the en-sue-ing (See what I did there?) battle.

Yep, thought so.

Anyways when I reached the top, I realized I must have been away longer than I thought. Here's why...

Half of the entire top of the building had disappeared. In it's place was a ridiculously elaborate throne on top of a raised dais.

Guess who was sitting in the throne?

"Maximum Ride," the Sue sneered, "so very good to see you again. How ever did you survive my death beam?"

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you," I replied threateningly. "So I'll tell you; This weird organization, the Society or something like that, grabbed me out of time and space and sent me back to get rid of you." OK, I totally know what I was implying with that last paragraph, but for some reason it just felt like she needed to be snuffed out of existence.

I'll worry about that later. Right now, I've got some ridiculously perfect butt to kick.

I dropped into an attack stance and waited for Matyella to try and blast me away again, but she didn't. She didn't do anything really. She just sat there.

And I think she looked scared.

It didn't last long though, no more than a minute.

"It doesn't matter which Society sent you, a mere mortal like yourself can never hope to defeat the pure perfection of Maryella Susanne Ez-"

"I know!" I shouted, not willing hear her full name again. "Let's just get to the part where I kick your butt outta here!" I grabbed a grenade out of the ISTAMS backpack they gave me and hurled it at the throne.

It landed at the foot of the throne and exploded in a wave of some viscous liquid before bursting into flames a moment later. It only lasted a few seconds however, and disappeared as quikly as it began. It did even leave any burn merks on anything, including my Flock (who, I realized just a little too late, had also been caught in the blast).

I also belatedly realized that the Sue wasn't in her chair anymore.

"That was a nice try," a melodic, evil voice said from above me. I looked up and saw the Sue hovering on beautiful white wings, whiter the Angel's even.

What? That's what they looked like. You want me to tell the story or would you like to? No? OK then, shut up and listen.

The Sue sneered down at me, "but relying on borrowed technology isn't going to help you." She grabbed the bag telekinetically and then blew it up into a million tiny pieces. "Now get her," she said to the Flock in an extremely pathetic attempt at a "scared" voice, "before she tries to tear us apart again."

I blanched at he voice, but recovered in time to see Fang, Iggy, Nudge, Gazzy and Total walking towards me threateningly.

Time to break out my secret weapon, I thought, a mischievous grin appearing on my face.

On it, Angel thought back. She was on the observation deck a few floors down. When I gave the signal she would project an image of what each of the Flock loved most in the world. (I'll leave it to your own twisted imaginations to deduce what they were.) Hopefully they would leave in search of said items.

Hopefully.

Fortunately my gamble payed off, as I saw five sets of wings open along with zombie-like moans of "giiiirls" and "shooooes" and "mexicaaaaaaaaaan" and "Fraaaaaaance".

A minute later those same four sets of wings took off and flew down into the city in search of their respective desires.

Only Fang kept coming towards me.

Angel, I thought through gritted mind teeth, I thought you were taking care of all the Flock.

I am, Max, she protested, but what Fang loves most in the world is you, and you're right there.

Crap, didn't think of that.

"Guess I'll have to do this the hard way," I said to myself wryly.

I launched forward, aiming a kick right at his solar plexus. He dodged it and responded with a kick of his own. This went on for a while, with punches and kicks being either blocked or dodged.

Eventually we both got short of breath. For a whole minute we just stood there, eyes locked on each other.

I realized then that we were too evenly matched. I was going to have to do something drastic if I wanted to beat him.

Wait a second, why am I thinking like that? I love Fang; he's my Right Wing, my best friend, and damn it, he's my boyfriend. I shouldn't be fighting him, I should be making out with him.

Hey wait a second....

"Is that all you got?" I said, trying to antagonize him, "I could have beat 1000 Erasers by now!"

He just stood there.

OK, let's see here...

"The Cure sucks."

Still nothing.

"Nobody likes your blog."

Again, still nothing.

I sweatdropped.

"Um, Brigid said you're gay?" I ventured.

"I. am. not. GAY!" he growled, lunging at me with the white hot fury of a thousand suns in his eyes.

Dingdingding! I think we have a winner, folks!

Oh, wait....

I came to my senses a moment before the punch hit my face, missing it by less than an inch. Fang was fully on the offensive now, which meant that if I don't do something soon....

I blocked and dodged, carefully maneuvering the two of us to the wall. Fang must have been really angry right now, because normally he would have noticed that I was totally setting him up.

Which by the way, I totally didn't have a problem with right now.

When we were right next to the wall he noticed and suddenly shoved me against it.

"How many times do I have to tell you people?" he grunted. "I. am. not. GAY!"

"You're right," I agreed, "because if you were you'd be with Iggy instead of me."

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"This." I grabbed his head, brought it right next to mine, and kissed him right on the lips. For a minute he looked confused, but then the fire died down he returned the kiss.

It. Was. Freaking. Awesome.

When we finally broke apart, he was wearing the same grin he always had after one of our make-out sessions.

Hmm, I guess true love does break all spells.

Gag me.

"Max, what are we doing on top of the Empire State building?" he asked, looking around in a confused daze. "And where's the rest of the Flock?"

"There with Angel," I told him. And it was true, she was probably rounding up the wayward Flock as we spoke. "As to why we're here-Duck!"

You've met The Gasman and Iggy, right? Well, than you should know that when one of them says duck, you duck and ask questions later.

A beam of energy shot forward and vaporized the wall where we were just standing.

"How dare you!" the Sue shouted, the above mentioned fire now blazing in her eyes. "How dare you take my Jupiter from me!" She looked about twenty times angrier than before.

From what the ISTAMS agents told me, this was not a good thing.

"He wasn't yours to start with," I said, my mouth running ahead of my brain. "And Jupiter? Could you have given him a gayer name?"

"HE. IS. NOT. GAY!!!!" the Sue screamed. I mean, wow, who knew she had a complex about it too?

Then she suddenly pulled an elegant looking longsword out of nowhere and dove straight at us. We rolled out of the way and kept rolling as she attacked us relentlessly.

"If I can't have Fang," she said between sword strikes, "than neither can anyone else!"

"Jeez, lady," Fang said, "get a life. I'm not the only guy on the planet, and besides that I already have a girlfriend."

"He really does," I agreed.

(A.N.; At this point the author would like to point out that it is rather hard writing all this snarky dialogue non-stop, so we're just going to skip ahead a few minute and continue the story from there, OK?)

...I took the novelty pen out of my pocket (I had thoughtfully remembered to at least take that out of the bag before it was destroyed) and jammed it into her side. She let out a scream of pain as the anti-venom or whatever it was did its' magic. The Sue finally taken care of, I flew back to Fang and hugged him with all my might.

"Do you know how incredibly stupid what you just did was?" I asked him, trying not to cry.

"Yeah," he said, coughing some blood, "but at least that wacko Sue's finished off, right?"

"Uh-huh," I nodded, looking over at the twitching form of the Sue limp on the other roof. I was about to look away when a bright white light enveloped the Sue and started to expand.

That's Reality resetting itself, Maximum, the Voice said. It'll be as if the Sue never even existed.

And good riddance to that, I thought back.

"Max?" Fang asked nervously.

"Don't worry, that's just reality resetting itself or something," I told him.

"Actually, I was going to say I love you, in case I don't get the chance again later."

"Normally I'd bust your chops for saying something like that, but I guess since none of this will have happened I can let it slide," I said, just before we were encompassed in the light.

----------------------------------------------------
Two weeks earlier....

...So now we were all piled into the Rolling Toolbox, going to cut another root from the big Itex tree.

To coin a phrase.

"Maaaaaaaaax!" Nudge whined in the back, "When are we going to get there?"

"Not for another hour at least," I told her, trying not to let my building frustration distract me from the road ahead.

"But I'm hungry! We haven't had anything since breakfast. And I have to go to the bathroom, and Gazzy and Iggy are being annoying, and I have to fix my hair, and I-Mmmmph!"

"Nudge," Iggy whispered darkly in her ear, "shut up, or else."

Nudge decided to take a nap after that.

"Seriously, Max, where is this alleged place we're suppose to be going to?" Fang asked from the passenger seat. "You kind of neglected to tell us when we left the hotel this morning."

Dang it! I hate it when he makes valid points; it's so hard to defend against them.

"It's suppose to be some R&D building that went defunct a year ago," I explained. "Jeb said it was one of their top research facilities."

"So how are we gonna take it out when we get there?" The Gasman asked. "'Death from above'? 'Blow the reactor'?"

"'Puppet Master'?" Angel asked eagerly, just itching for a chance to stretch her mind control powers.

"I'm not sure yet," I said. "I guess we'll just figure it out when we get there."

"In other words you have no idea what we're doing," Iggy pointed out snarkily.

"I'm glaring at you in the mirror, Ig," I told him, trying to keep my eyes on the road at the same time. He was right though, I didn't have a plan yet. Call it a personal weakness of mine.

Don't worry, I'm totally going to gut him later for that.

"Pfft, whatever," he scoffed. Then, under his breath, (but still loud enough for me to hear), he muttered, "I still say Fang should have been in charge this time."

Yeah, I know; he's a chauvinistic sexist pig with no tact, but he's my chauvinistic sexist pig with no tact.

"Are we there yet?" Total moaned. He had been strangely silent this whole time, "I have to go to the little canine's room."

"Fine," I exasperated, rolling my eyes, "I can take a hint. We'll stop at the gas station we come by-"

"Max, look out!" Fang yelled, jerking my eyes back to the road in front of me. I jerked the wheel to the side just in time to miss running over a family of ducks that decided that crossing the road right before a speeding car came along was a good idea.

The van tip on two wheels before slamming back onto four when it was safely past the ducks.

Fin.
______________________________________________________________

Hi there, Layman speaking. Well, there you have it, my longest single work ever and entry for the "Kill Mary-Sue" contest. I expect a lot of reviews for this one, to show that it's worthy of winning or something like that.

I'm also sorry to everyone who has been following my other works while I've been writing this. I promise those will be updated now that this one is finished.