AN/ Hi all! I know its been like two months since I last updated this story, and I'm sure a lot of you thought I had scrapped it all together, but this chapter took a while to write. Writing some of these chapters aren't easy, this one was very hard for me to write and becuase of that, it took me weeks to get to a point to end it.
I know that a lot will have forgotten what was happening in the last chapters, and I do hope that there are a few peeps still interested and have been waiting for this chapter to arrive, but if you have given up and moved on to something else, then its fine.
Once again a massive thank you to dtav, who is just being a complete star and not only prereading but beta'ing my chapters while Amy is ill. If any of you are waiting for and update from Ealasaid77, you could be waiting a while. Amy has hurt her shoulder really bad. She can hardly move it, and is currently trying to find out what is wrong, hopefully Amy will be back with us soon. Get will soon honey, *hugs*
The days and weeks passed by in a blur. After I broke down at my parent's house that Sunday, I had gone into some sort of shut down mode. I didn't want to feel; I didn't want to remember anything; I just wanted to be high and enjoy the ride, and I was. In a fucking blast of drinking and smoking after work, I was feeling less and less. Five days after my breakdown, I was asked if I wanted to join a group of both men and women I worked with to go down to the local bar for a few drinks after work. Deciding it was better than drinking and smoking alone at home, I agreed and never looked back.
Almost every night after work I was in the local bar in town with at least two of the guys from work. We were drinking and shooting pool, messing around and laughing until it was closing time. On more then one occasion we would then end up at a karaoke bar until it was two a.m. Weekends consisted of me being out on the town every Saturday night with this group, then finding myself back at one of their houses. I would crash on the sofa after the alcohol had reduced us to crawling messes on the floor. My routine was work, bar, drink, sleep. Everyday was the same, it never changed in anyway shape or form. This was how I coped with everything. My way of dealing with the past was to shut down and enjoy my life with these friends.
Friends? They weren't friends. Yes, we hung out and drank together, had a laugh and a good time, but these weren't friends. If I suddenly stopped going out, they wouldn't care; If I dropped off the face of the earth, they wouldn't notice. But, that didn't matter. All that mattered right now was my way of shutting everything down and letting it all go. If I got that through these people, then great. If not, I would find another way.
"I could really do with a smoke right now." Eric drunkenly mumbled in my ear as we sat in the crowed club one Saturday night. Nodding my head at him, the urge to suddenly get stoned washed over me. In all honesty, I was bored out of my mind in this club. The music was rubbish, the drinks were warm and there was zero for me to look at.
Being in a straight bar or club didn't bother me. I was the only gay guy in the group and even though they had said they wouldn't mind going to a gay club with me, I always turned down the offer. They were more comfortable being in a straight place and with it not bothering me where we went, I didn't see the point in subjecting them to a place where they would undoubtedly feel uncomfortable.
"Have you got any?" Eric grinned at me with an devilish tint in his eyes.
"No, but I have this." He looked around and carefully placed his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small clear bag of white powder. "Coke, want a line?" Looking at the white powder in the bag, my mind raced.
The most I had ever taken before was an E which resulted in a hospital trip the following morning with my skin burning up and my heart racing. The pill had been cut with rat poison, and after a receiving a shot of fuck knows what and throwing my guts up for an hou,r I was allowed to go home with the warning of 'don't take it again.' Did I really want to snort something up my nose?
Thinking fuck it, why not, I answered with a sharp nod. "Awesome, come with me." Standing up from the table, I followed Eric towards the toilet and into a cubical. I couldn't help but snicker thinking that we both looked like a bunch of queers heading into the cubical for a quick fuck or blow.
Watching him, he wiped the top of the toilet and poured some of the coke onto it. Taking out his bank card, he cut it into lines before rolling up a twenty and looking at me. "Simple, all you do is place this to a nostril, hold a finger over the other one and inhale moving the twenty up the line. Got it?"
"Simple enough." I said as I took the rolled up twenty off him and placed it to my nose. A quick inhale later and the line of coke was gone.
Handing the twenty back to him, I watched Eric clean up his line in seconds before wetting his finger and running it along the remains of the coke before rubbing it on his gums. "Want the rest?" He offered.
Deciding that I already had it my system, I wet my finger and did the same,before leaving the cubical and heading back to the table. My nose had already began to feel numb and my head started to feel slightly fuzzy.
"Jasper!" I heard my name called in a fuzzy state as I slumped down on the seat. "Jasper!" I searched the room looking for whoever was calling me until I spotted Alice in front of the table. Her hands were on her hips and she was throwing daggers at me with her eyes.
"What?" This was what I didn't want. A dose of Alice to ruin my fucking night. What the fuck was she doing here?
"Don't what me! Just where the fuck have you been? I have called and called and called you and I never get any fucking answer from you and now I see you here in this fucking state!" She shouted at me making the guys chuckle and snicker.
"Jazz, man it looks like your mummy wants you home." Sticking my middle finger up at Ben, I looked at Alice.
"Go away Alice. Have you ever thought that maybe I didn't want to talk to you? Don't fucking come here shouting your fucking mouth at me like I'm some sort of fucking child!" My anger flared through me. How fucking dare she act like this and embarrasses me in front of my friends?
"I'll fucking speak to you how I want! What the fuck is wrong with your eyes? Jasper, what have you taken?" Alice demanded as my head began to swim with jumbled thoughts.
"Chill out shorty. He's had some coke." I heard Eric tell Alice. My eyes were shut in some desperate attempt to stop the room from spinning.
"Coke? You gave him coke? Jasper? Jasper, look at me." Lifting my head off the back of the seating booth, I looked at Alice who was inches from my face. "Why, Jazz?"
"Because I fucking wanted to. Now fuck off Alice." Picking up my shot of brandy off the table, Alice took it out of my hand. " What the fuck? Give it back!" I demanded.
"No, you're going home, now!" She matched my tone grabbing my arm in a vain attempt to pull me up to my feet.
"I'm not going anywhere Alice. You can't control me. You can't tell me what to fucking do. Get the fuck off me and leave!" I snarled in her face, yanking my arm out of her grasp.
"Leave you alone? What and let you stay with these people so they can feed you some more coke? You're going home right fucking now. Get up and follow me or I will get Paul here to fucking pick you up and move you." I laughed which was a pretty bad move. My stomach turned again causing a shift of vomit to rise up my throat slightly.
"Come on, bring the fucking cunt. You think I'm fucking bothered by it Alice? No, I don't even know why I am your fucking friend. All you fucking do is nag at me. Have a fucking go; it's like being married to you but without the sex." By now the group of friends I was with were busy laughing at us, taking the piss at how Alice was treating me.
"I won't leave you her. If you never want to speak to me again, that's fine, but I am doing this for your own good. Now get up!" Wanting to scream my head off at her for doing this and wanting to cry because I knew deep down that she was right, I got to my feet stumbling slightly and was caught by Alice.
Pulling my arm away from her, I walked through the club with my head throbbing and my heart racing. My vision was off, not as sharp as normal with an almost fuzzy tinge to the edges. My gums tingled slightly and felt numb as did my nostril. My stomach turned and vibrated with the heavy baseline running through my body from the music. I wanted fresh air and I wanted it badly.
Stepping out in the cold air, my breathing picked up. I wanted to suck more and more of the cold air into my almost burning lungs. The cold air didn't have the affect I wanted or had hoped for. As nice as it felt in my lungs, it also made me feel worse then I did inside the club. Resting my back against the wall of the club, I rested my hands on my knees bending forward slightly in an attempt to not be sick.
"You okay, Jazz?" Alice asked me while rubbing her hand up and down my back. Though she was just being caring towards me, the act annoyed me more then it should have.
"Get off me, I'm fine!" I snapped out at her feeling her hand come away from my back. By now my head was swimming in racing thoughts that matched my ever racing heart. My lungs felt tighter as though a steel vise had been suddenly placed around them. My teeth were aching, throbbing in my mouth so much that I wanted to pull them out. The sickness continued to stir in my stomach making me want to throw everything up.
This wasn't what I was looking for when I took that coke. Maybe I was expecting it to be more like the weed I smoked. I expected that numb feeling of just not giving a flying fuck about everything, that wonderful feeling of just being lost without a care in the world. Standing back up, I leaned back against the wall tilting my head back and closing my eyes. I could feel the damp, clammy sweat on my face as I sucked in big lungfulls of air.
"Jazz, the taxi is here." Alice's soft, soothing voice sounded all fuzzy and off. Carefully, she took hold of my arm and walked me to the taxi.
The motion of the car made me feel worse. Every bump in the road made my stomach feel ten times worse then it was. Winding the window down, I hoped the cool breeze coming into the taxi would help stop the rise of sick that kept creeping up the back of my throat. Resting the back of my neck on the seat, I closed my eyes feeling the waves of sickness wash over me. Everything seemed to be spinning, like I was some big ass ferris wheel, that was going super fast. Leaning forward and putting my head between my knees, I felt like my head was trapped in some vise pushing it in tighter and tighter and making it throb painfully.
Alice rubbed the base of my back soothingly, but it wasn't what I wanted, and I just snapped at her.
"Get the fuck off me." I groaned out, convincing myself that this was all her fault. If she had never of turned up and started shit with me, if she had just left me alone when I told her to go, then I wouldn't be feeling like this.
"Jazz, I'm worried about you." She said in my ear.
"Fucking don't be." I snarled at her. Why was she even my friend?
"You're burning up, Jasper. Sit back, please." Her concerned voice washed through my head. Doing as I was told, I sat back with my head resting against the back of the seat. Turning my head slightly to look at Alice, I saw her brown eyes covered in a layer of unshed tears.
Worry marred her features creating lines across her forehead, and I wondered why we were even friends. All I had done since that night we went out is blank her. Like I was blaming her for what happened, for that idiot I picked up. That wasn't her fault. She wasn't to know just what I was bringing home, just like I didn't. I had gone from not wanting to talk to her to avoid talking about that night, to hating her for making me go out and in the end making me feel like shit.
And then tonight? When all she was doing was looking out for me, making sure I was okay, I snapped at her. I shouted at her, and spoke to her in a way my mother would be ashamed of. She was right. The people I was with didn't give a flying fuck what happened to me, how much I took and what I drank on top of it. My friendship with them was nothing more than someone to go drinking with. If I was to keel over and die on the spot they wouldn't bat a fucking eyelash to it. Yet Alice, my one true friend and standing at all of four foot nothing, dragged me out of the nightclub and put me in taxi home just to make sure I was okay and didn't do anything else stupid.
How great of a friend am I?
"Al..." My voice was rough and throaty, shaking slightly as I spoke. She smile slightly at me and stroked my cheek.
"I know. We're almost home." She whispered softly. I was happy to hear that. I didn't know how much longer I could take being in the back of the taxi before I threw my guts up. I'm pretty sure that Mr. 'I'm going to fucking rape you in price', wouldn't be too happy about it.
Closing my eyes, Alice held my hand. I could hear her on the phone to Paul telling him she wouldn't be home tonight, that she had found me in a club drunk and on coke and that she wanted to stay with me the night to make sure I was okay. The worry in her voice made my heart break. I had put that there by being a crap friend to her when she had been so great towards me. My behavior had put that concern, that worry and that fear in her voice. She hung up and squeezed my hand as the taxi came to a stop. The motion of the car coming an end made me feel worse. Opening the taxi door, I shot out and threw my guts up on the pavement completely forgetting that I had just left Alice to pay for the taxi.
I heard the car door slam shut and the sound of heels clicking against the pavement before a small hand rubbed my back. Continuing to heave but with nothing coming out, Alice fished in my pockets for my keys.
"Let's get you inside and get you some water." Taking my arm, Alice walked me to the front door. The waves of sickness continued to hit me like angry waves crashing against the rocks during a bad storm.
Standing there swaying slightly as the ground felt like it was moving underneath me, Alice fiddled with my keys. Turning the lock and opening door, I pushed past Alice and bolted upstairs towards the bathroom. Collapsing in front of the toilet, I threw my guts up yet again wishing for the sickness to end, for the gut wrenching heaving to just go. I wasn't sure what was worse actually being sick or the heaving.
With my forearms resting around the toilet seat and my head placed in the toilet itself, I closed my eyes praying for this to end, for it to be over, for all of it to be over. I heard the click of the light switch, but I made no effort to lift my head up and look at Alice. The thought of moving was enough to make me heave all over again.
"Jasper, here, drink this." She said touching my shoulder with her hand. Turning my head slightly, I saw her holding out a glass of water to me.
"I don't want it, Al." I mumbled as I felt my head splitting into an almighty headache.
"It will make you sick, Jazz. You need to get this out your system." She urged moving the glass of water closer to me. "Please, Jazz, drink it or I will take you to hospital...please." She pleaded in a whisper.
"Al.." I tried to argue with her but she cut me off.
"No, Jasper. Do you realise there could be anything in that crap you took?" She shouted at me before sighing and kneeling on the bathroom floor next to me. "I love you, Jasper. You're my oldest friend, and this is killing me. To see you just destroy yourself over him like this. Please, please just drink it." Her tears trailed down her cheeks slowly as she pleaded with me again.
Taking the glass of water from her, I downed it wondering just how long it would stay in my stomach before I threw it back up. Feeling my stomach fill with water, I began to feel my throat muscles tighten slightly. Taking in shaky, deep breathes, I willed myself not to be sick again, willed for my headache to go and my heart to stop racing the way it was. Putting my face back over the toilet, I threw up yet again cursing Alice for making me drink the water, but loving her for caring about me when I clearly didn't give a shit about myself.
Alice stayed by my side tucking my hair behind my ears and rubbing my back as I brought up everything that was in my stomach until there was nothing left. Finally feeling like the sickness had ended, I wiped my mouth and rested the back of my head against the wall seeing Alice's mascara streaked all over her face. Bringing my knees up and covering my face with my hands, I begin to cry seeing just what a mess I was really in, the dark pit of hell keeping me locked there forever more. I was no better now then I was when I was with only difference was now I wasn't walking around with bruises all over me.
"I'm sorry Alice." I sobbed out. "So, so sorry." And I was sorry for how I acted in the club towards her, sorry for how I spoke to her, sorry for how I had cut her away from my life over the last few weeks.
"Jazz, it's okay." She croaked out pulling my hands away from my face and holding them in her hands.
"It's not. I don't deserve to have someone like you in my life. I have treated like you shit, spoke to you like shit and yet you come back here to make sure I don't die. That's not okay." I grumbled. "I want it to end Al, the pain I'm feeling, the emptiness that consumes me, the feeling of not being wanted or being good enough to go. All I want is a bit of happiness in my life, just a small bit nothing more. I want what you have but it's what I can't have." She rubbed the back of my hands as I cried feeling broken and damaged beyond repair.
"This will get better Jasper, I promise it will. You need to face this and you're not. You're running away and hiding just like you did when you were with him. You're stronger then this, Jazz. I know you are." She touched my wedding band. "Take it off Jasper. It's doing you more damage then good." Snatching my left hand away from her, I shook my head.
"No, I can't. I can't remove it. It will mean that I failed, that it really was nothing." I argued with her. She sighed loudly.
"Jasper, your marriage failed, not you. Admit it. Admit it's not your fault. Admit it's over Jasper." Her voice was firm as she spoke.
"I know it's over. I threw him out, remember?" I snapped back
"Then why are you wearing that ring still?" She questioned. Giving her a shrug in response, she continued. "You wear it because you know that removing it means it's really done. Keeping it on is like...it's like you can convince yourself that it's still going on. Jasper, I know you don't want him but part of you doesn't want to admit you're single again. I get that, honestly, I do. But this isn't going to change unless you face it."
"No one will want me. That guy I brought home freaked out because of the scars I have on my back. He thought I was into some whipping games. He told me how crappy I was, how I gave great head but was a shit lay. Honestly Alice, who the fuck is going to want me?" Remembering that night caused the pain in my chest to increase ripping a great hole through the delicate layer of healing that had taken place leaving me open and raw. "I'm not good enough for anyone."
"You are! Goddammit Jasper! Just because you had the shittiest luck in the world and pulled the biggest twat in the club doesn't mean that every man you meet is going to think that. He is out there waiting for you and you will find him. When you do, he isn't going to think anything of those scars. He won't think you're a crap lay. He will love and adore every single inch of you. Jasper, beauty isn't just skin. It's not having a perfect body. It's not being flawless. Sure, we would all love it. I would love to have that clear, perfect skin that you see in magazines, but I can't be photoshopped." I chuckled at her comment knowing how she would love to be photoshopped all the time.
"Beauty is what's inside too, the person you are not just looks. Jasper, most people get attracted to someone because of the way they smile, or their eyes, even their laughter. It's not always about how great someone's ass looks in a pair of jeans. Those people are shallow and not worth anything. It may take time for you to find him and you may have to go through a few relationships first, but you will find him because we always do. Albeit tonight, tomorrow, next week or next year. You will find your one." Snickering slightly, my eyes closed as I tried to picture that.
Could I actually find someone who was just right and was everything I ever wanted? Who could give me all I needed and not just take? The thought was lovely something nice to think about, but I also knew the reality of it was very different from the fantasy of it all.
"Alice, fantasy is great, but I like to be real about things. How could I ever trust anyone to get that close to me? How could I let everything go and just live like any normal person can?" This was something she couldn't really answer. There wasn't some magic wand to be waved and everything would be better and I would get all the answers to my questions though I wished there was.
"I don't know, Jasper. Time, I guess." She sighed and rubbed her eyes. "You feeling better? Not sick anymore?"
"Better. The room has stopped spinning and I think I can move without throwing up." Pulling myself up off the floor, I stumbled and staggered my way towards the bedroom.
Pushing the door open and walking into the bedroom, my mind became flooded with memories. Everything in this house reminded me of him. The colour of the walls, the way the room was set up, even the bedding. Everything was what he wanted. He picked it all. I lie in bed, the bed he picked out, the bed he wanted us to share, in the same place he picked for it go. Lying in covers that he chose, the ones he wanted to match to the colour of the walls, the ones he claimed made it more comfy to sleep in. As if the colour of bedding made it easier or more comfy to sleep in.
"Jasper?" Alice's meek voice brought me out of my thoughts. "Are you okay?" Looking at her, I smiled weakly at her. The hole in my chest was aching, pulling at the sides and widening it inside of me.
"Yeah...Sorry, let me get something to sleep in." She didn't push me over what was on my mind leaving me to open drawers and pull out a Tee and a pair of shorts. "Here." Handing them over to her, I grabbed a pair of PJ bottoms and went to go out of the room.
"Stay. I'll change in the bathroom. You'll end up falling and smacking your head on the bathroom sink." She squeezed my arm before disappearing out of the room.
Changing, I climbed in bed and looked at the cheap gold band around my finger. It was meant to mean something. It was meant to symbolise our marriage, our love, that we both wanted each other and no other. It was a token of his love for me, a token of his heart. Something round and never ending, much like our marriage and our love. Yet it wasn't any of those things. The ring was more of a chain, or a marking of his. I belonged to him and no one else. It was no token of his love, or of his heart. It was something that made his claim to me, which sealed my fate. My vows may as well have been a nursery rhyme for all it mattered. It meant that little to him.
Even during our planning, though I never once saw it, he was in charge. The place we wed, he chose. It didn't matter if I liked it or not, he did and that was main thing. The colours of the suits, he picked. The time we got married, he picked. Even where I got my hair cut the morning of the wedding, he picked. Yet I never saw the problem. So stupidly in love with him, I saw no harm. I agreed, went along and smiled throughout everything because he seemed happy and his happiness meant the word to me.
I wasn't given a choice over his surname. There was no talking, no asking if I wanted to take his, or if I wanted him to have mine or even putting them together. That was something that he decided. He wanted me to have his name and no other. He wasn't open to me saying, suggesting or even making a comment on it. I was his, therefore I took his name. If only I had seen it back then. If only I had listened to my family when they told me not to marry him. If only I had thought for just one fucking minute, all of this could have been stopped. But no, I was happy, blinded by him, so sure that he was the one for me that I didn't question a thing.
He wanted me, or so I thought. After years of being picked on and bullied, told that I wouldn't find anyone, that even being gay wouldn't change things, I was completely high to prove them wrong.
How dumb are you at such a young age? For me, my mental age was about five.
Age is such an amazing thing. You realise that everything you thought you knew was wrong. You see and realise the mistakes you made, and most of all, you realise you knew nothing.
The main light in the bedroom flicked off leaving just the soft, warm glow of the bedside lamp on. The covers pulled back as Alice got in turning to her side. I saw her look at my hand before hers reached out and grabbed mine.
"You're thinking about it, aren't you? Taking it off I mean."She laced her fingers through mine and squeezed my hand.
"I am...I think...Well, I'm thinking. Thinking about a lot of thing's actually. None of them good." I sighed. Alice rested her head on my shoulder and put her arm over my waist. "What would Paul say if he saw you curled up to a half naked man in bed?"
Laughing, she answered. "He would beg you to take me off his hands."
"I'm sure he wouldn't, Al. He's completely in love with you...though I do wonder why. Does he realise you're a little freakish and not in a kinky sort of way?" She slapped my stomach playfully.
"He loves all my faults and flaws. You're just jealous that I'm not with you." I laughed at her come back. "Well, it's true."
"And how do you know that me being gay isn't just some act, just to get you in bed?"
"Because Jazz, I have known you all your life. And I know women don't turn you on in the slightest. Besides, you have already seen me naked." I shuddered at the memory. "Hey, no shuddering."
"Sorry Al, but walking in on you getting changed wasn't the highlight of my life. It didn't go into the wank bank and I certainly have no desire to ever see you like that again."
"You shouldn't have walked in." She giggled.
"You were in my room. How was I meant to know that my room suddenly became Alice's personal dressing room?" She shrugged at me. "Night Al."
"Night. You sure you're feeling alright?" She asked as she rolled onto her back.
"I'm fine, I'll see you in the morning." Flicking the light off, I laid there, my thumb spinning my wedding band around while deciding what to do before I fell asleep.
By nine, I was already awake, showered and dressed. My decision made and my plans set, I held my cup of coffee waiting for the clock to tick forward. If there was a way I could do this now, I would. The longer I waited, the more chance I could bottle it and not go. I needed to go, need to hand it back. Though I knew it wouldn't really have any impact on him, it would make me feel better. It would make me feel as though I had taken back some control, taken some small piece of me back from his grasp.
Staring at my coffee cup, I tried to tell myself that I could do this, that I could walk in there and do what I needed to do which was hand it back to him and tell him it was done and dusted. But the thought scared me. With a few sharp, choice words, he would make me feel small and back in his control. He would laugh and tell me I was foolish, tell me it wasn't over until he said so. But while everyday I wore his ring I would feel like he was right, when he wasn't. In his head he could still pretend that he owned me, that he still had control and that at any given moment he could snap his wrist and pull the reigns back in on me.
Taking a sip of my coffee, my face screwed up as the cold liquid filled my mouth. Just how long had I been looking at it, thinking? Walking into the kitchen, I poured the cold coffee down the sink. Deciding that now was the best time to go, I grabbed a piece of paper and pen and scribbled down a note to Alice. I didn't tell her where I was going, just that I wouldn't be long and to lock up when she left. With the promise to call her on my way back to see where she was, I left it folded into a tent shape and put it next to the kettle.
Grabbing my phone and keys, I made my way towards my car. Part of me was screaming not to do this, that by doing this I was letting go and welcoming a world of being on my own. The other part of me was scared but had come to the conclusion that I would sooner be on my own for the rest of my life then have to live another day in this hell.
The drive to Starbucks seemed to be both quick and long all rolled into one. By the time I pulled into the car park, my palms were already sweaty and my heart was beating wildly in my chest. My dreams of last night had pictured this a thousand times, coming up with multiple ways of how this would go, some of them good and some of them bad. I had dozed on and off throughout the night. When I wasn't dreaming about this moment, I was thinking about it. Trying to calm my nerves, I sucked in a deep breath before climbing out of the car and walking across the car park.
Unlike before when I had made an effort the last time I saw Jacob, this time I was turning up in a pair of baggy jeans and a Tee. My hair was tied back hanging in a long pony tail from my lack of cutting it. I didn't care how I looked today. This wasn't about me coming to see if our marriage could be saved. This was about me cutting off the final ties to him, and trying to rebuild my life.
Pushing open the doors into Starbucks, I saw Jacob sitting over in the corner away from everyone. Seeing me walk in, he smiled and waved me over. Walking towards him, I noticed he had already ordered me a drink. That was not something I wanted to see. That only reminded me of how he had to pick everything for me.
"Hey, Um..thanks for meeting me." Sliding into the booth, Jacob grinned at me.
"I'm glad you called. I've missed you so much Jasper. I've missed holding you in my arms, and being close to you. I'm hoping this is a good thing, this call?" He looked so hopeful, so convincing, that for a spilt second I almost believed his act.
"No, it's not. Jacob, I... We..." My words were lost as Jacob spoke again.
"Jasper, I can see how much this is hurting you. It's hurting me, too. We're meant to be together, you and I. Us against the world babe, remember?" He reached for my hand across the table slowly rubbing my knuckles before I pulled it away.
"Please Jake, don't. I didn't come here to talk about us getting back together. I want a divorce." The final part of my sentence came out in just a whisper. Jacob's face twisted in pain before he wiped it with his palm.
"You...you don't mean that. I know you don't. We can work this out babe, sort out our problems and be happy again. We're not the only couple in the world to go through a bad time." The tears began to fill his eyes making my heart ache for him.
Somehow, despite everything he had done to me, I still loved him. Seeing him in pain, in well acted pain I might add, hurt me.
"Jacob, don't, please don't make this harder." I could hardly look at him as I spoke, the tears running down his cheeks and wetting the top of his Tee was a painful sight.
"Then don't end our marriage. I'll change. I'll do whatever you want me to do. Say it, name it, it's done. For you I'm willing to do anything." I almost laughed at his words. It was all lies. Surely he didn't think I would believe him? Yes, it hurt to see him like this and yes, I didn't want to cause him pain but I wasn't stupid. Not anymore, I wasn't.
"Jake...You know you won't change. I know it, too." Slowly I began pulling my wedding band off my finger. "It's time to let go and move on."
"Let go? No!" He almost growled at me.
"Yes. I'm not yours anymore. Let me go and I'll let go, too." My eyes clouded with unshed tears as I looked at my wedding band just resting on the tip of my finger. "This isn't healthy. It never was, Jacob."
"And you think taking off your wedding band is? Do you realise you should be thanking me for being with you? Don't be a fool Jasper. You're smarter than this." His angry stare burned holes through the side of my face as I looked out the window.
"Being alone is better than being with you, Jacob." My heart broke all over again as I pulled my wedding band off the tip of my finger and looked at it. "I loved you so much. I worshiped the ground you walked on, and all I ever wanted was your love, Jacob. To be treated as your equal. I never got that. I saw every side of you apart from the one I craved the most." He snorted at me as I finished speaking.
"Understand this, I will see you in hell before I sign any papers. You won't get rid of me easily. I'll make your life such a hell that you will be begging me to take you back." He seethed at me. Standing, I placed my wedding band on the table. My eyes flickered between it and him.
Turning, I left the coffee shop quickly wanting to get as far away from him as I could. I fumbled with my keys through shaking fingers to get into my car before flooring out of there. Less then a mile away from home, I pulled over and broke down in tears. The hard part was over. I had stood my ground and took back just a small, tiny piece of me from him. My tears were a mixture of happy and sad. Happy to have done it when I thought I couldn't do it, and sad because I truly had let go and ended my marriage.
.Okay so if any of you are still hanging around with this fic and managed to get your way through the heartbreak to the end of this chapter, then please hit the review button.