a/n: Sorry it took a bit longer – I just want to get it right since its getting to towards the end. Over 9000 words though.
Three months later
"I'm heading out now, dad," I called through to the kitchen to him. "I'll be back tomorrow." I continued as I placed my backpack on my shoulder.
"Are you sure, Bella? I mean why don't you give it some more thought before you act. If it's meant to be it's meant to be." He leaned against the wall looking at me with concern.
I shook his worries away from my head. I needed to do this. "Dad it's only an interview. I might not even get in." I shrugged. I was heading to Seattle to speak with one of their community colleges there. I had my place at Port Angeles but I needed away from here. It was all haunted with bad memories and opinions I just couldn't change. If I got in to one of the colleges in Seattle it was decided that I was moving in with Alice.
Between Edward and myself, nothing had changed. Charlie had went around to pack up the rest of my belongings and I had a choice to make. I could fall apart and let myself become that girl again, or I could learn from my mistakes and take what Edward had gave me and keep pushing ahead. I chose the latter. I wasn't about to spend my time falling apart all over again to end up in the same situation or worse.
My heart still broke for Edward but he didn't want me. I had tried calling and texting. He never answered and he never replied. I had even spent the whole of the next day banging on his door begging for forgiveness and asked for him to only hear me out. He didn't want to hear me out and I let it go knowing that if he was too proud to listen to the truth, then I was to proud to turn back into that wreck again.
Edward had given me so much and I was grateful. No one else had been willing to spend their time with me. No one else wanted anything to do with me – they still didn't. And that was when I realized I was in the wrong place. I might have been saved here in Forks by Edward but I was going to keep myself breathing all on my own in Seattle, where I could meet new people and forget about my past that followed me around. It was time for a new chapter in my life.
Granted it was going to be with Alice and I was also still a firm regular with Aro. But I had my life back. My own life. It was last week that the papers were singed and my rights were given back to me. Charlie thought he was being to hasty but Aro was proud of me for over coming my separation with Edward so well.
It wasn't that I took it well, more of a case I didn't go to the nearest bar and get hammered.
"I saw him yesterday, you know?" Charlie's brown eyes were wide and hopeful that I wasn't only trying to escape because I could, but because I wanted too. He liked to throw in the odd mention of Edward up at least once a week to gage my reaction.
Honestly, it stung like hell. I had spent the first two weeks of our break up in tears, hiding in my room with the exception of when I had to go to work.
I looked at Charlie waiting for his titbit. The words that would knot my insides and make me want to cry all over again. "He was coming out of the Old Tavern, drunk." The look on Charlie's face was full of pity and concern.
"And he was so quick to judge me. Maybe it's karma," I snapped hating the bitching I was giving to an unbeknown Edward.
"Bells," He chided, "Don't be like that. Maybe you should try talking with him again. He might be up for that now." When did Charlie become such a pushover for Edward Cullen? I still remembered the time I thought he was going to beat the living crap out of him when I had put myself in hospital.
"Dad, I've been through this. I tried. He didn't want to listen to me then, he still won't want to listen now. Besides it was the weekend, maybe he was out with friends." I argued. It wasn't like Edward to get drunk. There must have been an occasion.
"He was out himself," He told me sharply. " We talked... He even cried." Was he trying to completely destroy me here?
"Dad, I have to go," I argued. I needed to be at that meeting tomorrow morning. I was just ignoring his words now. Clearly Charlie had more than listened to him.
"He still loves you, Bells. He just cant admit it 'cause he's hurtin'"
""Dad," I shouted. "There is no point. I tired calling, I tried texting. He has my number. If he wants to speak to me he knows where I am." I wasn't standing for this.
"You know once upon a time I knew a girl who pushed everyone away too. Then this guy came and he just kept pushing and pushing. He was always just a step behind her too, pulling her out from bars when she got drunk." No, no, no. He can't make me feel guilty.
"Don't you want me to be happy?" I asked incredulously. He was setting me up for a mental breakdown here.
"Bella, I want the best for you, you know I do. And if Seattle is it, it's it... But I know you still love him. I know that you have held yourself together so well... you just done it too damn well, sweetheart. And honestly, I would have liked to have seen you fight for him a little bit harder." You have got to be kidding me.
" You know there was a time when you didn't like him... you wanted me to be with Jake-"
"Yes and you were with Jake," he eyed me with that sharp gaze no doubt remembering catching me and Jake in our compromising position."But Edward made you a better person. All I'm saying its been three months, you both still obviously aren't over one another and all I'm suggesting is that you try to talk to him. He can do with a good ear." he shrugged.
We looked at one another for a moment, silence filling the room. "I need to go to Seattle. If Alice was worried, she would have told me by now." I tried to argue. With that, I left the house headed for Seattle and hopefully the beginning of a fresh start.
I never stopped in to see Edward. I didn't belong there with him anymore. Too much damage had been done and too much time had passed between us.
We had successfully avoided one another with the one exception of passing one another in the grocery store. Even then he ignored me and looked right thought me as if I never existed. That was when I lost hope. That was last month.
On the road to Seattle I listened to the radio trying to put my dad's words out of my mind. What did he mean he was crying? Was Edward crying to Charlie? Charlie must have loved that one. He struggles to see me crying, never mind a grown man.
I knew I might have sounded bitter and harsh towards the whole situation, but if I didn't look after my heart, who would? Certainly not Edward.
A few days after everything had kicked off, I got a visit from Alice. She came back to Forks and tried to fix it. For Edward to listen. He never. She grew frustrated and after she listened to me, she decided she wasn't taking any sides on the matter. I was lucky that she never kicked me into touch as well.
The both of us curled up on my bed that day, she explained that she knew it would be a matter of time before I stumbled along the way on my recovery at some point. It wasn't that she didn't have faith in me to get better, she just knew there would be days that were harder than the rest. She also told me that she warned Edward that it would happen and that he had to stand by me no matter what. Apparently he promised he would. Liar.
Edward was her brother, but I was her friend. If Edward made her choose, she said she was choosing me. I didn't want any family fall out over me again but Edward never spoke of me to her with the exception on when she tried to start the conversation. He always put an end to it, ignoring her.
So I still had Alice and after getting my rights back and spending a weekend with Alice and Jasper, it was decided I was moving to Seattle.
Honestly, I was a little hesitant. Things has just went so fast. I called up the college and spoke to them the Monday after being with Alice and less than a week later I found myself en route to Seattle for my interview a week later.
Charlie of course didn't like it. He understood why I was wanting away from Forks, but he didn't want me to leave. I saw it as having my life back and I decided to live the kind of life that my mom would have been proud to see me live.
I was saving hard. I kept my head down and I worked away. I was doing everything that was wanted from me. I spent my time with Jake and the odd weekend with Alice. I had even went out with Mike. Not as in a date, but as friends. We just hung out. It was actually pretty nice getting to know him. I had spent all my time putting up with him, but if you listen to him, he's really just a goofy kid a heart.
The gossip still flowed and that was when I realized I needed to get away from Forks. Nothing was going to change in a small town. You either lived with it or moved away from it.
I was trying to put Charlie's words out of my head but I felt like I just couldn't shake them off.
He had been crying.
Maybe him being upset had nothing to do with me. But Charlie also head that he still loved me but
just couldn't admit to it, so there must have been something said for him to think that.
I realized then I was playing with Edward's chain around my neck. His Saint Christopher that he gave to me before we left for my rehab. I still hadn't taken it off, or the little wooden bracelet either. I still wore Jakes deity that he gave to me too though.
I let my fingers pull away from my neck and turned off the radio. Silence.
I tried to concentrate on only the road until I got to Seattle.
Settling down for the night in the spare room, I tried to sleep. But I couldn't. My mind was going at a million miles per hour and I didn't see it stopping any time soon.
This was Charlie's fault. He should never had told me that he had seen Edward. I was needing encouragement about the future, not my past screw ups.
I knew I messed up everything that day, but for Charlie to push for something out of me. It was constant. I felt incredibly strong that I never let him see tears, but it still didn't mean that they never came.
When I got to Alice's, Jasper had been around. I didn't want to mention Edward in front of him but I was still dying to ask Alice how he was. Did she know that he seemed as bad as he did?
I know that they never spoke of me, but how did he act? How was he living? How was his internship going?
I wanted to know everything.
There was a small knock on my door and before I knew it, the key to all my questions was standing in front of me.
"Thought I'd come and see how you are before you fall asleep. Somethings wrong." It wasn't even a question. Alice was too damn perceptive for her own good. I was trying to hid my thoughts and keep it general. I had been trying to forget Charlie's words.
She practically pirouetted across the the room and bounced on to the bed, climbing below the covers and joining me.
Her lips pouted a little as she looked up at me. "Still so strong, Bella," She mused. "You know, I wish that for just once that you would really break down and get smashed. End up passed out on someone's lawn or something." What the...
"Why?" I asked surprised.
"Because least you would be showing something. I know your hurt and I know that this is killing you, but you are... you're just so normal."
"Wasn't this what everyone wanted? For me to be normal? For me to not go and get drunk?"
Alice shook her head. "Normally, yes. You had a bad day and ended up in a shit situation and then your boyfriend broke up with you and kicked you out... and then your normal. It's okay to fall apart. You did it long enough after your mom died."
I let out an aggravated sigh "I'm never good enough. I'm too much of a mess and I need to be fixed and then when I am, I'm too cold and I need to be messing up again just to show I have feelings." I snapped.
She shook her head and pulled on my hand. "No. You have done so well. Really you have. We're all proud of you. You just don't have to pretend to be all right when your not." Her tone was gentle and so was her touch when she squeezed my hand, reassuring me.
"How is he?" I asked. "Really? Charlie said he was crying at the weekend. Is he really as bad as that?"
Alice shrugged "I don't know how he is. I think he's bad though. He has kinda pulled away from us all over the past few months. Mum hasn't saw him in almost four weeks." This wasn't good. Not good at all.
"Should I try to talk to him?" I pushed, hoping she would say yes. I wanted to see him. It was all I really wanted. I wanted to see him and for him to want me again.
"Something just doesn't sit right though, Bella." She never answered my question. " He knew that you would mess up along the way," I narrowed my eyes at her a little and she dismissed me instantly "I'm not having a go at you. Like I said he knew you would do something... but we just didn't know what. The situation – yeah he would have been mad at it, but he would still have understood it. I really think that it was the cherry on top for him. Like you said, he had been so withdrawn... and he was beginning to struggle at work. I think that it was just an excuse to push you away. Maybe he had been waiting for you to mess up." she rose her brows at her words and I didn't know what to say.
She had been going by what I had said, that he was withdrawn and that he had done bad at work. Maybe I was painting a bad picture and he decided to just get rid of me. Or maybe she was right, the things I had noticed was a flashing beechen and he was just waiting to push me away.
But he loved me. I knew he did. Why would he push me away?
"What do you think I should do, Alice?" I asked feeling a heavy knot hit my stomach.
"Go to him. And don't give up until you get some sort of explanation from him. If he is mad at you for what you did, then he's mad at you, but make sure that he knows everything and then if he still wants to walk away... there isn't much you can do." That was exactly the reason I didn't want to go. I knew after seeing him in the grocery store last month that my heart had lost hope, but had I really? Or was it simply hardening that little bit more trying to protect its self?
Next morning I had my interview and it went without fail. Again, a letter would be simply a formality. I was accepted into school and I would now push forward with my life in Seattle with Alice. It's what I had to do.
I couldn't sit around in fear of the future. I had done that for too long and I had missed so much because of it. I was seizing my opportunity with both hands and never letting it go. After all it was Forks that I truly was needing to leave behind.
Before I left for home, I caught up with Alice once again. We went for coffee and sipped on it as the day brightened.
It felt like a new day, like a new era. I suppose in a way it was. I had been given my life raft and on my own I had paddled back to dry land. Now it was time for me get back on with it. Get back on with life and the simple pleasures of enjoying my education once again.
With a peck on the cheek and the promise to call "if" I spoke to Edward, I was on my way back home.
I was back in no time with the roads being relatively quiet and I got bored quick. It was three in the afternoon when I got back and after preping dinner, doing the washing and a general clean of the house, I was all out of chores to do.
Making way way back to my room I lay out in my bed just wondering what to do with myself.
I did nothing. All I thought about was Edward.
My dad's words... Alice's words... they all rang in my head and I just couldn't seem to turn it off.
Was Edward okay? He had been so fixated on me, that maybe he had burned himself out. Maybe that was all he needed, time away from me. I could live in hope.
I knew I was setting myself up for a fall. He wasn't just going to simply let me into his life all over again after three months apart and not speaking to me at all. I had tried to talk to him but he ignored me. I had tried. But had I tried hard enough? Maybe I should have fallen apart. Maybe I should have got drunk and made a sceptical of myself to show him how much impact he had on me. He was bigger than the loss of my mom, yet I had kept hold of myself so well. Perhaps it was because I knew he was still alive and only on the other side of town.
I just didn't want to let him down. I felt compelled to keep myself together for his sake. To show him that I wasn't a complete wash out with no hope of a better life. He had bettered me and I wasn't going to just give it up. He deserved better than that. Besides I wanted to show to him that the James and the marijuana incident was purely a monumental fuck up and not the way I planned on carrying on my life.
On the grapevine of this sleepy old town, I had heard that James had been giving a good beating a couple of weeks after the whole incident and Charlie assured me it had nothing to do with him. We were a small town and that was they way things were often handled... even if it were the police.
James had been out on bail and his case was due to go to court and I was supposed to be part of it but not long after the beating, James packed up and skipped out of town with his fat lip and black eye.
Apparently Edward was also spotted with some cuts up knuckles too at the same time.
If it was Edward, I just hope it helped him feel better. But I doubt it did.
So all I did was lie in bed and think about him. God I missed him.
"What would you like to drink with dinner?" I asked Charlie as I plated up our food.
"Just a beer, thank." He smiled up as he waited at the table for his dinner and beer flicking through today's paper. "It's a scary place, that city," My dad pointed to the paper at some murder of a young college boy in Seattle. I let my eyes flicker over the headline and shook of my dads worries.
"I'll be fine. I survived a lot more than the streets of Seattle," I part joked. "Besides, I have Alice and pepper spray... what else do I need?" I grinned. It was sad to see that a boy had been killed but it wasn't going to stop me from going. It could happen any where. I wasn't letting him encourage anymore irrational fear all so that he could keep me safe in Forks.
Placing his plate in front of him, I sat down with mine and began to eat. I had spent the entire day preparing this and thinking about Edward I hadn't realized all I had was coffee and a muffin today.
He continued to pace through the paper and point out any worrying story from the city to try to put some fear into me. So I just put it out there.
"I think I'm going to go and try to speak to Edward." The pacing stopped instantly and his head shot up, looking at me with a surprised look on his face. It was a mixture of hope and worry.
"Are you ready for that?" he asked with a timid tone to his voice. Oh now he was worried. After he made me feel guilty only yesterday.
"I don't know. I just think it would be good to leave on a better note than when we had spoke last time." I was lying, I was praying he'd reconsider everything.
Was I going to do more damage than good?
Did I care?
Of course I did.
Was it a risk I was willing to take?
"D-do you want me to come with you? You know, to make sure he is okay when he sees you." Oh god did he have that little confidence in the situation. If he seemed so unsure, why had he be trying to press me into seeing him?
"No, I'll be fine," I hoped.
"Sure?" He checked. Was Edward that bad?
"If there is something I should know, tell me now. I plan on going to see him but if you think its a bad idea, I wont." I quipped back.
"No. No, nothing at all. Just remember he's just hurt. Just remember that if he gets mad." I swallowed hard at that though.
He was going to scare the living hell out of me, Wasn't he?
Pulling up outside his apartment it was a little after eight.
Looking up at the building I felt a pang of emotion hit me. I had really missed this place. It held something deep in me. It wasn't just Edward apartment, it was where he pieced me back together again. Night after night. Keeping all the bad dreams away and keeping me safe in his arms.
Thinking about the night that he brought me back here for the first time, I felt my skin pebble. He was so harsh and bitter towards me. He didn't like me but when I woke up screaming in the middle of the night he was there to sooth and settle me. It had been the best night sleep I had since my mom had passed.
And then I stole that bottle of vodka from him and he came after me and... and he just made everything right again. He had literally saved my life when he had came into my house that night.
We danced around one another night after night and everything happened so fast. Perhaps it was too fast and that was why we had ended up here. I couldn't be sure. Maybe he couldn't have saved me if it had been any other way. Who knows.
His Volvo sat parked up in the drive and it looked filthy. He had always kept it clean. It looked like he hadn't washed it for a few months. Shaking that concern from my mind, I opened my trucks door and climbed out, slamming it shut behind me.
Walking up to the recess door, I pushed through and nervously struggled up the stairs leading to his apartment. I knocked.
I knocked again, trying to be patient and praying that he had never saw me or my truck and was ignoring me.
I tried to hear if anyone were in the apartment, pressing my ear up to the door. I couldn't hear anything, but it didn't mean that he wasn't in there. His car was in the drive.
I banged against the door once again, calling his name this time as I did. "Edward, open the door,"
"I plan too," was the flat comeback. Edward was at the foot of the stairs and had only just came through the recess door of the apartment block. Looking at him, he was sweating.
He raced up the steps and pulled out his keys, "What do you want, Bella?" He asked annoyed.
"You." I shook my head and tried mentally to calm my blush. "I wanted to speak to you," I corrected.
"Well I don't want to speak to you. So you can go now." He opened his apartment door and walked though it, ignoring me and closing it behind him.
"No," I argued, pushing against the door. "I need to speak to you." I felt panic surge through me, that I had lost my chance to say anything to him. "Please, its important." By this time he was keeping his foot at the bottom of the door so I couldn't push against it. I still tried though.
"Bella, I have absolutely nothing to say to you and anything you wish to say to me, I have no interest in. Now go." he snapped.
"Please," I begged. "It's important... something I think you should know," I tried to install worry and curiosity into him, if only to get me through the front door. "Alice said something to me... I'm worried," About you, not about her. But I wasn't going to finish off that sentence.
His eyes narrowed on me, "What did she say?" You could see his worry begin to form on his face. His furrowed brows, his slightly pouted lips, the look of concentration waiting on any word or detail that I was supposed to give him.
I shook my head, "Not here, Edward," I let my eyes dance along the hall of the apartment block, knowing that we could be interrupted at any moment.
"No, here or nothing," He stubbornly argued.
Fine "Okay, nothing," I shrugged and turned my back on him, intent to leave it as it was. If he wasn't going to even let me in to listen to something that was concerning his sister, he wasn't going to let me in. I was giving up... for the time being. It was an improvement from the shouting at me and ignoring me. Least he had actually spoke and looked at me.
Before I could get anywhere though, he had grabbed hold of my arm and dragged me through the threshold of the front door and slammed it behind me. He rested against the wall opposite and waited for me to speak.
Wasn't he even going to invite me in? To sit down?
He motioned for me to speak, but I ignored him and walked away from him, heading to the lounge.
He grabbed hold of my arm, stopping me and snapping at me. "I didn't invite you in here to chat, Bella. You can tell me here or leave."
I ignored him and infuriated him as I fought my arm out of his grasp and proceeded to push through the door of the lounge.
This was the reason he didn't want me in here. The place was a mess. It looked like a bomb had hit it. And I don't just mean it looked like the typical messy room of a teenager. It looked like a real bomb had hit it.
The bar stools from the breakfast counter lay on their sides on the floor, broken records and cd's, broken frames. Shattered photos of the both of us together. Washing was everywhere. So was takeaway cartons and countless mugs, glasses and beer cans. On the coffee table lay an empty vodka bottle with a glass by it holding dregs in the bottom.
Edward tried to stop me from going any further in but his attempts were weak. I walked past the breakfast counter that separated the kitchen and the lounge and turning that corner I was met with smashed plates. Not just smashed plates though. The full crockery set I had bough for Edward was purposely wrecked on the floor of the kitchen. It was as if he had pulled them from the cupboards and dropped them onto the floor with force. It wasn't a doubt in my mind, it was on purpose. He wanted all of me gone.
I looked back at him and his head was bowed down, his eyes cast to the floor.
He hated me that much. He really did.
My hands caught my mouth as I tried to hold in my sob.
He hated me so much.
I felt faint at seeing it all. All that I had caused.
My eyes filled with tears, blinding me from the mess for a moment.
What was the rest of the apartment like?
Without a thought or hesitation, I pushed past Edward, him no doubt thinking I was fleeing from he apartment, and raced to our bedroom.
Swinging the door open, it was stinking. It honestly was. More dirty laundry, food, beer cans, mugs. It didn't look to different to the lounge.
"Bella, get the hell out of my room," He yelled. Once again he reached to grab me but I pulled away from him,
Making my way to the window, I threw it open as far as it would go, letting the stale air change.
Our bed had no covers on it either. The duvet was bare and a covers sat in a pile in the corner of the room. Clearly they had never been washed.
Now it was my turn for the shouting and the grabbing. Reaching for his arm, I pulled on it and dragged him back thought the apartment. I didn't even want to see the bathroom.
In the lounge I let go of him and reached for the bottle of vodka. "Is this how you have been living your life?" I snapped at him. "You should know better than anyone." I yelled at him as I placed the bottle back down.
He ignored me and proceeded with his own questions. "What's going on with Alice?" He asked. It was the pretence on how I got in here in the first place.
"Alice?" I snapped. "Alice is worried about you and though I should try speaking to you. She says you don't go to see your parents and she has no idea of anything concerning you. Do you know how worried everyone is?" I snapped as he turned away from me, ignoring me.
Brushing away dirty laundry off of the couch, I took a seat. The place was a tip. No wonder he wasn't wanting me in here. What had happened to him?
"Edward, please sit down and talk to me." I patted the space next to me but his back was still towards me. My eyes drifted around the floor at my feet and I reached for a broken frame that held a picture of the both of us. It had been taken at Rosalie and Emmett's wedding. The smile on both of our faces were wide. I remembered the moment and being genuinely happy then. I also remembered Rosalie's words that night and how quickly they had sent me crashing. The next again day I had tried to kill myself and of course Edward had shown up right on time to stop me.
I hated him them, but now I could only think him. I really hadn't been in my own mind to decide something like that. I was so confused and mixed up and weak. I loved Edward but my own misery wasn't enough to keep myself alive for him them.
Now we were in a different time and place and seeing how much things had changed, I was scared. I was scared for Edward because looking at him now, he wasn't the same strong man a knew back then. He reminded me a little of the old me. Someone who was struggling with there emotions.
"Edward, please sit down and just listen to what I have to say," I whispered out, the emotion catching in my throat.
Slowly, he did as I asked of him but he kept his eyes away from me.
"Charlie said that he saw you at the weekend," I started but stopped as I saw Edward expression change.
"I never saw Charlie," he snapped as his brows furrowed in concentration. Could he not remember seeing Charlie at all?
"Yes you did. Out side the bar," I prompted him a little. His head swung round, his eyes meeting mine silently asking if I was being serious. "You don't remember?" I asked but I didn't need the answer.
He turned away from me again and I could see him trying to recall the event. "Wait – yes. I did see him... I think," He sighed and let his face fall into his hands.
"What happened?" I asked meaning about what happened to it all, us, the past, where was the moment he stopped loving me?
"Everything," he croaked out. "You, me, you cheating-"
"I never cheated on you." I practically growled at him. I hadn't. "James kissed me. I didn't want him. I only ever wanted you but I was stupid and got myself into a really stupid situation – which I paid of by the whole town thinking I'm a fucking addict." I shouted. The Gossip over that day was rife. Me being pulled out in my bra didn't help matters and the majority of the town was now in believe that I was just some tramp who had cheated as well as got high. Like I said, it's a small town. Gossip is rife and almost always wrong.
"I tried to be everything for you but it wasn't enough. You still screwed me over." He mumbled as his gaze fixated onto something in the distance.
He was right though, he had tried to be everything for me, everything but my boyfriend. Sure we made love and all the things that goes with being a couple, but he never talked to me. He held everything deep down inside of him.
"I made a mistake. I had a bad day and I slipped into bad habits. Even Aro was understanding about it," I threw that at him just because I could. "I was worried about you. You never spoke to me about anything and so I didn't want to worry you with other stupid squabbles. You were already dealing with things. I knew you were. I don't know what – but you were."
He looked up at me and gave a small nod. Was he agreeing that I was right?
"What happened, Edward? Why did you close down on me when all you made me do was open up to you and tell you everything. Why was it a different set of rules for you?"
He shrugged and leaned back in the seat, closing his eyes. I couldn't help it, I went to him, resting my head on his lap. I needed him so much.
To my surprise, he never fought me off. Instead, his hand reached for my hair and his fingers began to comb through it.
I let my eyes close and memorised the sensation. A few moments passed in quiet harmony before I spoke again. "I still love you, you know? I never stopped."
And with my words, the peace was shattered. He pushed me up off of him and stood up, pacing to the other side of the room, kicking another broken frame that lay on the floor. It was a picture of myself and I was sure he only acted out what he wanted to do to me. It scared me a little but I knew he would never hurt me.
I spoke again. "I'm leaving Forks... I'm going to Seattle and moving in with Alice," He spun around on his feet, eyeing me.
"No you're not," he spat. "You stay away from her, hear me?" he spat.
I let out a small dry laugh "No Edward, I don't hear you. I'm moving in with Alice and your parents are all for it too. I'm going to college there," I shrugged as I crossed my arms,
"You're going to college in Port Angalies," he reminded me.
I shook my head. "And live in Forks? I don't think so. I'm done with this place. There is nothing here for me anymore." I argued.
"What about your father? What about Jake?" Edward was trying to get me to stay here for Jake? This was even more surreal than Charlie encouraging me to see Edward.
"They have their own lives, Edward. Jake is excited about college and he's seeing some new girl from the rezzy. I hardly see him these days anyway. And my dad... he likes it here. He has his job and Billy. That's who he is." I protested.
"And you think he wants you to go and leave him?" Jesus, what is it with the guilt trips?
"No he doesn't want me to leave. He doesn't want me to leave because of you though. He's hopeful and... well... after tonight... I'm going to be realistic. I've sat home and done everything that was wanted of me. I've been good... I've waited,"
"You can't go and live with Alice in Seattle with no rights. Charlie cant seriously expect Alice to care for you the way I tried to care for you," he was calmer now but I could hear sorrow and anger laced in there somewhere too.
"I have my rights back. Aro thought I had done well after our break up and that I proved myself." I shrugged.
He laughed bitterly at that one. "We'll I guess life is just grand for you," his eyes burned into mine and I didn't want to ever leave this place, this apartment. Edward was hurt but I wanted to take all that away and for us to be in our own little bubble all over again.
I shook my head and let my eyes fall to my lap, "I'd give it all back if it meant that you would love me and want me," I whispered out, a little embarrassed at my words that he would be ready to mock.
Slowly he made his way back to me on the couch and sat down. "It's not that I don't love you," He sighed and I was sure there was more he wanted to say, but wouldn't.
"I know what I did was wrong, but was it that wrong that you won't forgive me?" The tears were back and I let them fall as I sat there.
"I need you out my life, Bella. I don't want this anymore and I guess I can't stop you when it comes to Alice... but you drag my sister down and I swear I'll make it my business." He looked angry, mad and also so completely sad.
"Do you think that I dragged you down? Is that why you won't forgive me?" I asked needing to know if he thought that I had ruined his life because of how I had been.
"No, you didn't drag me down. Life did that for me. I thought I was strong enough to handle it all for both of us... I guess I wasn't." he rubbed at his face. "I let both of us down, Bella. You deserve more than that," His words were so confusing. On one had it seemed like he was blaming me and on the other it seemed like he was blaming himself. The thing was, no one was really to blame here at all. We just had a bad patch. We let it get away from us.
"I love you," I begged for him to see reason, that love was all we needed, if we had that, then we could struggle through. No one had it easy. Life was a struggle at times and I had accepted that. But Edward couldn't even see it.
I remember once he told me that his life had been so easy. He sailed through med school and never worried about a thing. Maybe for the first time in Edwards life he was having to deal with something that hurt and he didn't know what to do. Life had been too easy on him and when it came to any form of struggle, he just collapsed under the pressure.
Was that the case? Had he really had it so easy in life that he couldn't cope with the first real hurdle that had been thrown at us as a couple?
Reaching for his face, he let me touch him. I stroked the apple of his cheek as he closed his eyes, embracing my hand.
"I love you," I whispered out again. I needed him to know that. I needed him not to doubt me.
His eyes opened and instead of a stony glare, I was met with soft jaded jade eyes that looked so tired.
He reached forward and his lips met mine. It was chaste and brief, but it was Edwards lips. The last person to kiss me on the mouth had been James. I was glad I could now say it was Edward.
Our noses touched as we looked at one another and once again, Edward leaned in to kiss me again. This time there was more to it. His lips pressed against mine and our mouths parted. Tongues exchanged and hands reached for hair.
I felt myself being pushed back as our kiss deepened more and more and I parted my legs so that Edward could rest in-between me. His hands reached below my top as he gripped onto my waist pulling me further into him.
I wanted him so badly. I was ready for him. I had been needing this for three months. I had needed this from Edward the very moment I had crossed into James's apartment. I needed to be forgiven for my mistake and for him to show me that he still wanted me and that nothing else mattered as long as we had one another at the end of the day.
My hands reached for his shirt and I pulled it off of him smelling the sweat on it despite it drying into the material. His body was still warm though. His chest a little sticky from whatever he had been doing. My guess was that he had been running.
My fingers danced along the damp skin and through the small amount of chest hair. I had so much want in me, I didn't care if he was sweaty, I reached forward and kissed him, kissed his chest.
Is right hand let go of my waist and reached for my hair, tugging my head back roughly allowing him to reach my mouth and kissing me again.
It was needy. Everything about it. Our actions, our desire.
He practically tore my shirt off of me and we both fought to get my thermal off of me too. I needed skin on skin.
I crashed back onto the couch and ignored the mess surrounding us. I needed this, we needed this to show one another what it all meant. That we were still meant to be together.
Edwards long fingers played around with the button of my jeans before releasing it and tugging them down along with my underwear.
Before he could get them past my knees though, his mouth was on me. My narrow parting made the touch of his tongue torcher on me. I wanted to widen my legs and for him to have all of me. This was teasing. I needed more. His tongue still continued though as he ran the top of it up and down my centre, pushing his face in deep to reach as far as he possibly could with our restrictions.
My hand reached down to his head and though I loved the sensation of his wild red hair in my hand, I was actually pushing him on, trying to show how exactly what he did to me.
His fingers gripped in deep to the backs of my thighs and I thought I was going to explode. I let out a moan and for a brief second, I saw that eased grin pull across Edwards mouth as he quickly looked up at me at my sounds.
He was taking me back. He still wanted me and he wanted this.
The teasing of his tongue was too much. I needed him inside of me. It had been too long. I reached for him, tugging roughly at his under arm to motion him towards me. His sparking gaze looked up at me and he moved up towards me when he saw that it was him that I was wanting. His chest lay against mine, with my bra being the only barrier between us.
Reaching down he grabbed hold of my ass, hard, pulling me against his erection. God he was so hard, I could feel it move around with ease in the loose material of his sweats.
He was kissing me as if his life were depending on it. He was frenzied, deep and full of passion.
I didn't want to have to ask him to have me already, but my need was too much. Pulling away from his mouth I demanded it from him. "God, Edward... I'm ready, come on already. I need you it's been too long."
His eyes softened and he purposefully looked deep into my eyes. "Are you sure?" What the hell was he asking that for? Wasn't it apparent that all I wanted was to have him again. Were my words not enough.
"Yes," I practically hissed out in desperation. I began to toe my snaeaker, trying to pull them off so I could lose my jeans. I was not going in to that bedroom like that but I would have him on the couch.
"Once more and I that's it," he mumbled.
What? What did he just say?
"What did you just say?" I asked as I stopped the unsuccessful removal of my sneakers.
"I said once more and that's it." He looked deep into my eyes. "After this, we both walk away," My heart stopped and suddenly I felt ridiculous in my desire for this man, this man who didn't want me anymore.
I swallowed thickly as I pushed him up off of me at sat there for a moment, lost in though. He didn't want me. He was getting his cheap thrill and kicking me away.
The only man in the world that I never thought who would have used me for some quick fun was doing exactly that.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut.
I looked up at Edward and he was sitting beside me, watching me. He looked worried. Like he actually cared. Who was he trying to kid?
"You don't want me?" I asked feeling totally ashamed.
"I do... I thought it was just going to be one-"
"No. You don't want me. You don't want me in your life. This..." I motioned to the couch," This was all just thoughtless fucking to you?" He cringed at my tone and my words. "How could you do that to me?" I shouted "I thought you wanted me back. I thought you had forgave me," I was not going to cry.
"Bella, I forgave you. I did. But... things changed-"
I interrupted him "Because you shut down," I yelled "You stopped talking to me. I'd like to say that it was only the important things you stopped talking to me about, but it wasn't... when was the last time we had any real conversation?" I argued as I stood up, covering myself up. I was so embarrassed.
"The night before," He shouted. He was talking about the night before I had went to James. "We talked about how you were feeling with your moms birthday, what you wanted to do for it. We had a conversation."
"No we didn't," I argued. "You assessed me, looking to see if I was going to have a break down. When was the last time you spoke about yourself, how you were feeling, how work was?" I was mad. So so mad. I had became a patient to him. That's what I felt like.
He sat there dumbstruck, unable to come up with something to argue that I was wrong. But he couldn't think of anything to make me wrong, because I was right.
"You... I don't know what happened," I tried to find the words. "You just closed down. I tried and tried... but I got nothing back." I reached for my thermal, pulling it over my head and covered myself up.
"Why didn't you talk to me? Didn't you think I could handle it?" I asked seriously. "You were – are struggling with something and you wont talk to anyone. Look at this place," I motioned to the room. "Its a pig sty. Don't think that I haven't noticed all the empties too. And my dad saw you out at the weekend, drunk." I collapsed down onto my knees. "What are you trying to block out? What are you trying to forget?" I pushed, desperate for him to admit anything to me.
He looked away from me and I wasn't going to force him to look at me. Honestly I was just so angry that I had let him near me when all he wanted to to was to screw me over.
That really hurt me.
"It was only sex. Goodbye sex," he shrugged. He was miserable though I could see it. It rang out loud in his tone of voice. "I thought you'd be up for it," he spat flatly, his self defence of everything going up. I slapped him hard across the face for that comment. He wanted to hurt me and he wanted me gone. I knew he still didn't really forgive me for whatever had went wrong, be it James or the whole damn relationship.
Me being here wasn't doing anything. I didn't even know if he wanted me here or not.
Charlie had made me feel so guilty, that Edward hadn't gave up on me but I had also had Charlie and Jake. My family may have been small but with the three of them there, exposed to the truth, they had all put me together again.
I couldn't do anything for Edward on my own. I needed more. I just wasn't strong enough and I wasn't ashamed to admit it.
Taking my last look at Edward, I left him in his filth, in his truth.
When I got home I stormed past Charlie and the look on my face was enough for him to know to keep back. His concern would have to wait. I had something important to do first. I had to call Alice.
Getting her on the phone, she listened to me and asked questions about everything. I explained it all. About the mess of his apartment, what happened, what was said. I told her about us almost sleeping together. I knew it was late and that it was a lot for me to give to her, but I had too. I had to get it of my chest and I needed to know that come morning, his family was going to know everything and that they could begin to try to help Edward because right now he was sinking, and he was sinking fast.
In bed at three in the morning I couldn't sleep. My mind raced with all I had seen and everything that had been said. I worried if I had done the right thing by telling Alice. I worried about Edward and how he was coping. I worried that he was okay. I wondered if he was able to sleep and I wondered if he knew what was going to happen come morning.
Little did know that at the exact same time I was in bed worried about Edward being alone, that he was in fact safe with his family.
Alice had driven up with Jasper almost the moment I had put my phone down to her. She called Emmett and Rosalie and told them that they had to be at the house for when she arrived in Forks – at a little before one o'clock in the morning.
By two o'clock, they had used the spare key to the apartment to force their way in to Edwards apartment, all to find him drunk, a mess and pretty much in the same spot where I had left him.
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