Barney and Robin had been in a monogamous relationship for a couple of months now. Barney was happy. Robin was happy. Lily was ecstatic. Of course, Lily didn't know that what had finally brought the two together was Barney's job, as the evil villain Dr. Horrible. Robin was the only one of the group of friends who knew what Barney actually did all day. She would never tell anyone though; it wasn't something to brag about if your boyfriend winds up in prison. She might even end up there as well if it was ever found out that she occasionally helped him on his schemes. Yes, Dr. Horrible had a new partner; and she had no idea how to make him stop with the annoying jokes about the irony of her name being Robin.
Barney had made early reservations for himself, Robin, Lily, and Marshall at a very exclusive, and very expensive, Italian restaurant. The two couples had started going on many double-dates lately. Though Lily and Marshall were much less awesome than Barney and Robin, the fledgling couple decided they liked spending time with their more experienced friends.
But instead of sitting down to a table at the restaurant, the four found themselves standing in line at a bank. Barney glanced at the long queue and sighed. "Tell me again why we're here?"
Lily turned around and answered, "I told you, Barney. Marshall doesn't like ATMs. When he first moved to New York, he was robbed at one." She smiled sympathetically and patted Marshall's arm in a reassuring manner.
Barney rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone. After a minute or so, he gave a triumphant smile and could be heard to murmur, "121.3 yards. Take that, Nate!"
Robin turned to him at the sudden noise, and said, "Huh?"
Barney didn't even look up when he said, "Nothing..."
Robin shifted her feet; her new heels were killing her. She glanced at her watch, attempting to make time fast forward. She gave a sideways glance at Barney- maybe Dr. Horrible could invent something for occasions such as these? Or at least Dr. Scholl's...
Marshall was now third in line, and both Robin and Barney had begun wondering if Hell was actually one long queue. Barney spoke up again. "Lillllyyyy, I'm hungrrryyy...." he whined.
"Stop being such a baby," she said, a hint of annoyance because she was secretly also at the height of boredom. "Why don't you just sit in the car?"
"Fine," said Barney. "Robin, you coming?"
"Please!" she said thankfully, taking his hand in hers.
"Just... don't do anything in there," said Lily, as the two turned to leave.
"It's still broad daylight!" said Robin, disgusted. "In public." She paused for a moment, a flash of desire in her eyes as she turned to Barney. Barney returned a wicked smile, and the two ended up in a passionate kiss.
"Guys!" pleaded Lily, through gritted teeth. The two parted, and turned again to the door. But when they were still several yards away, a man quickly ran past them, brandishing a gun and shouting, "Everybody on the ground, now!"
Barney, instinctively crouching to the floor, still had time to decide how cliché this guy was. Robin huddled close to him, wishing she had been carrying her gun in her purse. The robber ordered everyone up against the wall, and the two found Lily and Marshall to sit beside. The married couple had their arms wrapped around each other, Marshall's massive body protecting his wife's petite frame. Of course, it was Marshall, though, from whom the girlish whimpers were emanating.
Barney was just annoyed. He was bored, hungry, and didn't want to lose his dinner reservations. "Yo, buddy," he called across the room. The robber turned his head. "Yeah, you." The man frowned, and began to walk over.
The three friends stared in amazement at Barney. "Dude," whispered Marshall. "What are you doing?"
"What do you want?" asked the robber, looming over Barney. "And my name is Dread Head!" He said it in a way that tried to sound menacing, but Barney decided the tone needed way more practice if he wanted to make it in the big leagues.
"Yeah, sure it is," said Barney, not in the least bit threatened. "What are you doing?"
"What does it look like I'm doing: robbing this bank."
"Wow," said Barney, in mock astonishment. "That's... wow. Good for you. But, uh, maybe you should let some of us go. I mean, how many hostages do you need?"
"That depends on my person/casualty ratio," said Dread Head, revealing an evil grin (which also needed more work).
"Makes sense, makes sense," said Barney, nodding his head. "But aren't you worried about the cops?"
"SWAT?" he asked.
"Not if I stay away from windows," said Dread Head.
"Barney," interrupted Robin. "What are you-"
"What about the army?" Barney continued.
"What?" asked Dread Head, glancing out the window as if he half expected tanks outside.
"Or the cavalry?" said Barney, putting emphasis on the last word.
Dread Head stared at him. "Did you just say..." He paused to let a large gulp pass down his throat. "Cavalry?"
Barney was sure the hapless villain had understood the codeword, but he added in for good measure, "Tell me, how do you feel about horses? Pretty bad-ass, aren't they?"
Dread Head let out an uneasy laugh. "Haha... yeah." He looked at the people sitting next to Barney. "These your friends?"
"Yeah," said Barney.
"Okay," said Dread Head, before walking away to the other end of the bank. Barney smiled, knowing they now had an understanding.
"Oh my god, Barney!" said Lily, once Dread Head was out of sight. "You could have gotten yourself killed."
"Please!" he said, waving the thought off with his hand.
Robin snuggled in closer to Barney and wrapped her arm in his. She wasn't sure why, but she had gotten extremely turned on watching him, she guessed, pulling rank like that.
A half hour later, they were still in the bank. The NYPD surrounded the building, and was busy negotiating with the robber. Barney had to give the guy some credit; he hadn't yet given up his position in the safe confines of the bank.
Barney watched as Dread Head paced frantically up and down the floor of the bank. He suddenly stopped, turned, and pointed at Barney. "You!" he said. "Come here."
Barney quickly glanced to either side, shrugged, and got to his feet. He wobbled for a moment, as sitting for so long had caused his leg to fall asleep. He smoothed out his suit, and walked over to the robber.
"Yeah?" asked Barney, standing next to Dread Head.
"What do I do?" Dread Head asked in a hushed tone.
"How do you normally get out of these situations?" he said.
Barney thought for a moment. Well, he would try to avoid finding himself in this situation, for one. Delving even deeper into his mind, he remembered himself, first staring out in LA. Not all of his heists went according to plan. There were probably many reasons why that was so, but his unwavering feelings of awesomeness decided that it wasn't his fault at all, but came from an outside force: Captain Hammer. And there was only one way he ever escaped from Captain Hammer. His right knee still acted up in cold weather.
"Sorry, bro," said Barney. "But-"
He was cut off by the sound of smashed glass and a heavy weight pinning him to the hard, marble floor. Barney, dazed, tried to lift himself up. He shook his head, a ringing in his ears. He sensed the faint smell of bean dip. Barney looked up and saw a figure towering over him.
"Dr. Horrible," said Captain Hammer. "I should have known it was you. New henchman?"
"Hey!" protested Dread Head. "I am not a henchman!"
Captain Hammer acknowledged Dread Head's presence by knocking him out cold. He then bent down, grabbing Barney by the collar. "Where's your costume?" he asked. "It's not like you to be seen without those stupid goggles."
"I think you've-" started Barney.
"You've just been nailed by Captain Hammer!" he said, triumphantly. He paused, and Barney gave him an odd look. "But, uh, not in that way..."
"New catchphrase?" asked Barney. He knew Captain Hammer knew it was him. There was no use pretending.
"I'm working on it," admitted Captain Hammer.
Lily ran up to the two figures, and started yelling at Captain Hammer. "What are you doing?" she asked the superhero. "Get off of him! That's our friend."
The NYPD were soon inside and spotted the sight before them. Captain Hammer hovering over a heavily bruised man, and a petite, yet very loud woman hitting the hero with her purse.
"What's going on?" asked a the main detective in charge of the situation.
"This man," said Lily, pointing to the semi-conscious Dread Head. "Tried to rob this bank. And now Captain Idiot over here is beating up my friend."
"But he's-" started Captain Hammer.
"Save it," said the detective. "You've done enough already."
"I know," said Captain Hammer. "But a hero is someone who goes beyond what's enough." And then... he started singing:
"I'm just a hero who's super.
No need to thank me,
Though I know you want to;
That's plain to see."
The detective blinked, not quite believing this guy was for real. "Look," he sighed. "We need to get some statements."
"But I just caught Dr. Horrible!" said Captain Hammer.
"Where?" asked the detective. The hero glanced down at the man still lying by his feet. The detective followed his gaze.
"You're kidding, right?" he asked, bending down to help the poor fellow up.
"Come on!" protested Captain Hammer. "This is him!"
By that time, Robin and Marshall had joined the small group. They watched as the detective sighed, crossed his arms, and turned to Barney. "Sir, are you, or do you have an affiliation with, Dr. Horrible?"
Robin stared at Barney. Her heart skipped a beat in the time it took him to open his mouth. She was just wondering about conjugal visits when she noticed the smile forming on Barney's face.
"Ha!" he laughed. "Please." He paused a moment before adding, "But I hear that guy's awesome."
Captain Hammer frowned, noticed that displeased stares, and decided it was time for him to leave. Once he was out the door, the detective turned to Barney and apologized to him on behalf of the state of New York. He then turned to see what the other officers had done with the real criminal that was just arrested.
Robin let out the breath that she didn't realize she had been holding.
"Are you okay, Barney?" asked Lily, soothingly. Barney nodded.
"Dude," said Marshall. "That was intense! Ted isn't going to believe this."
"That Barney got beat up?" said Robin. "Somehow I don't think it stretches the imagination."
Barney gave her a look, but Robin just smiled and leaned in close to him. "Those bruises look terrible," she whispered seductively in his ear. "Do they hurt?" Barney gulped as Robin traced a finger down his torso. "Maybe someone should check them out later?"
Barney smiled. It is so on!
That night, Barney untangled himself from Robin's sleeping form. He got up, moved to sit in front of his computer, and started to type:
"Today I got a black eye, lost my dinner reservations, and my secret identity was almost revealed..."
He paused for a brief moment to reflect, then smiled as he added,
"It was an awesome day."