The Watch XI

Disclaimer: Do I look like Pratchett? No I am not him, and therein lies your answer and I am merely tinkering with his grand creation. I own the square root of bugger all, so go figure.

A story detached itself from our home, Roundworld, also known as Earth, the blue planet etc. It cast around for a few seconds, then, it found a single, weak thaumic path, caused unknowingly by the wizard's regular and varied trips to Roundworld. To its delighted surprise, if indeed stories have emotions or conscious thought, it found a most receptive world, and an even more receptive city on that word. It began to unfold...

Vimes strode into Pseudopolis yard powered by barely contained rage, much like a twisted rubber band. The Patrician had requested that the Watch form a football team, in that special manner that said very firmly that attempting to avoid forming a team in any matter, up to and including creative interpretation of orders was unequivocally not an option. Vimes would have said 'no' or 'bugger that' straight away, and damned be any consequences that Vetinari had thought up (1), except that bloody Vetinari had gone behind his back and told Sybil at a fundraiser for the Sunshine Sanctuary, who had predictably thought it was an excellent idea and had gone into siege engine mode and destroyed all of his arguments against, and he noticed as he steamed indoors, Carrot was running trials for the team. This put Vimes in such a bad mood that he bit through his cigar. His last cigar(2).

This left him in such rage that he punched through the wall. This transformed his mental state from rage right through to agony. He turned around and marched back outside massaging his bruised and bleeding knuckles, resolving to hurt the next bloody person who got in his way. Unfortunately, the next person was Vetinari, and even through the red mist of rage Vimes knew that trying to punch the patrician wouldn't work and wouldn't be good for him or his temper which was building to fever pitch through the mediums of pain, indignation and nicotine deprivation (one of the minor members of the Apocrapylypse, a subsidiary of War and generally considered as either a jumped up little bastard/rising star amongst anthropomorphic personifications in general. Other rising stars/jumped up little bastards in the category of anthropomorphic personifications include Going Cold Bat/Turkey, Sugar and Salt Substitute and the dreaded Revenue, who was shunned at dinner parties by all except the Auditors(3). He was short, balding with hair scraped carefully over his head and plastered down with hair gel in a neat suit and an unpleasant manner.)

As he walked into Pseudopolis yards backyard (yes, very funny) nursing his pained knuckles, Carrot glanced away from a practice match, with the teams distinguished by those with helmets, and those without, over at him and said "Are you alright sir?"

"Yes Carrot, I am fine. Is there any bloody point in doing this?"

"Lord Vetinari says so sir, and we will be providing a good example for young people all over the city. Will you try out sir?" Carrot added. Vimes didn't even have a chance to say no before he was thrust into the game and received the ball. On instinct he passed it to someone else with a helmet, Constable Noseater who kicked it straight into a goal. His own goal. Vimes was astonished as hitherto unacknowledged and dormant primal instincts took over his mouth, the result being, "NOSEATER, LOOK WHERE YOU'RE KICKING THE SODDING BALL!"

Vimes wrested control of his tongue and apologised to the surprised Noseater, then sprinted after the ball and went in feet first, decking Corporal Visit (promoted) and smashing the ball straight at the opposition goal. It was stopped valiantly by lance-constable Ping's nose, which nearly broke. The game continued in this vein, Vimes kicking people and the ball, and regularly being halted by the impressive whistle (4), which was wielded by Captain Carrot. The latest time Vimes was hauled back, Carrot sighed and explained, "Sir, you aren't allowed to kick the man (5) as well as the ball."

"Or woman" came a cry over the assembled heads.

"Or woman indeed, Constable Von Humpeding" Carrot conceded. In the end the each dispersed to their duties, Carrot to drawing up a team, Vimes to his office where he began attempting to smoke a memo, and all the others to patrolling. Carrot's team:

...........................................................Ping............................................................

...Carrot.........................Colon.......................................Detritus............................... Visit...

..........................................................Vimes............................................................

....Angua............................................Reg Shoe................................................Sally

.......................................Nobby........................ (?)...................................................

(1) In fact Vetinari had intended to make him President of the currently defunct Guild of Watchmen, the threat lying in that Vimes would have to attend many boring meetings and functions.

(2) Sybil had allowed him to dash everywhere at inopportune times after criminals, and after he stopped just short of a cardiac arrest. She had been understandably horrified by this and only allowed him to run around if he let her put him on a strict monthly quota and had absolutely forbidden him to use dragons as pocket lighters, and had detailed Carrot to ensure these caveats were followed, who was earnestly following him everywhere to make sure he stuck to it and didn't try to sneak another cigar.

(3)There could be an interesting story in this...

(4) The same one used by the University and it was intriguing that the unquiet spirit of Evans the Striped seemed to make no headway when going up against Carrot. This was a matter of great interest among the university faculty, Dr. Hix in particular.

(5) None humans generally didn't play football, except some dwarfs and trolls.

N.B: Does anyone have suggestions for positions? I would be glad, as I have Vimes down as a Defensive mid, Sally as an attacking mid along with Angua (Yes, the reception of the idea of women playing football will be very interesting) and various others that are in the team above, but suggestions are welcome.