Soo... this is Chapter 1 of Through Glass, rewritten, kind of- Project Team Beta has been nice enough to go through this chapter for me. I'll replace the chapters as they help me to fix them. And anyone out there looking for a beta- I would absolutely recommend that you visit their webpage and seek out their help.
Still my first story though! And it's kind of my baby... so- thank you for giving it a chance!
Disclaimer: Bella, Jasper, Edward and all things that exist in the Twilight universe belong to Stephenie Meyer. She's just nice enough to let us play with them!
I'm looking at you through the glass,
Don't know how much time has passed,
Oh God it feels like forever,
But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
Sitting all alone inside your head.
-Through Glass, Stone Sour
I don't know how I got here. Seriously, I've tried and tried to remember all the ways and reasons and words and wisdom involved in my resolve to not get here. Yet, here I sit, aptly cursing myself while recounting all the bad decisions that I've made in my life, all while realizing that this moment in time will top them all. Here I stand, watching my best friend marry the only man we've ever loved. Here I stand, watching the only man we've ever loved, stare at her with the same expression that I'm quite sure is reflected in her and my own face. Here I stand, preparing myself to feel my heart split completely in two. Here I stand, watching everything I've ever wanted, go to her.
I know this will hurt. He's smiling at her with that same smile he let loose on the two of us the day he moved into this shithole of a town. The sun shone that day, something that rarely happened in Forks, and his blue eyes were the brightest I'd ever seen. He looked at me first. God. How many times have I repeated that to myself in the past seven years? He looked at me first. I saw those eyes and that smile and the dimple in that right cheek. He looked at me first. I saw the cowboy boots that he wore and didn't even think to laugh or joke or anything, because, boots and all, he was perfect. He saw me first!
And then he saw her.
I've seen that smile many times since, and never once has it been directed at me. For Jasper, it's always been Alice. For Alice, I will accept that. I can't think about this right now.
Oh God, he just said "I do."
It's really real. It's really not me he just said 'I do' to. I've known this was what would happen, I've prepared for it. Fuck. I apparently didn't prepare well enough. I wonder if anyone has ever died of a broken heart. Surely not, surely with all of the time I spend on the internet, searching for this and that, I would have run across a news article or something. Huh. Maybe I could be the first. I'm obviously good at being first. After all, he saw me first. Now, he's marrying the woman of his dreams.
Oh God, she just said "I do."
I can't hate her. This would be so much easier if I could hate her. Alice is the sweetest person I've ever met in my life. That's one of my favorite things about her. That's one of Jasper's favorite things about her. Gah. Maybe that's not one of my favorite things about her after all.
Okay Bella, what the fuck?
I fucking know it is one of my favorite things about her. I mean, with Alice it's impossible not to notice it. She is that person-we all know one-who would do anything for anyone. That's why I'm keeping my big mouth shut right now, and that's why I've kept my big mouth shut since the day he turned his gaze from me, to her. Alice deserves Jasper. Neither will ever know how I feel.
Fuck! Move on Mr. Preacher Man, nobody here is gonna protest this union. Not even me.
Jasper's eyes have never been so bright. I should know, I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of all things Jasper Whitlock. I specialize in his eyes and smiles. Right now, instead of his eyes being the grayish-blue they normally are, they are almost a sky blue. And the motherfuckers are sparkling…I've seen them this color before, of course. The day we met Jasper Whitlock, his eyes turned this color, right after he turned to Alice. I swear to God the sun fucking shone on those two alone. Oh my, that's the panty-dropping smile right there. Honestly Jasper…in church?
Fuck. Wedding. Jasper. Alice. Whitlock. Maid of Honor Bella Swan. Fuck my life.
"I would like to present Mr. and Mrs. Jasper Whitlock!" The preacher yells out, and I realize that I've completely spaced on them kissing. This is good, because I don't know if I could handle that right now. Someone should shove that cross up that preacher's ass, by the way, he is way too fucking happy.
Right, time to leave fina-fucking-ly.
I think I'm numb. They are still staring at each other. They are walking down the aisle, and they are still staring at each other. Oh, this is perfect. From this angle, I can see Alice's expression, too. From this angle, I can see that her eyes are almost blue, the gray is so light. Jesus, her teeth are white. If that were me, I wouldn't be able to smile that big, stare at my husband that closely and walk down the aisle. So it's a good thing he didn't marry me today, right?
I follow as they exit the church and run through the "politically-correct and easily digestable, I used it at my wedding" birdseed. Thank you, Rosalie. I stop just outside the church and watch as Jasper opens the door to the limo for Alice. I prepare myself to say goodbye with just a wave to the best friend I've ever known. I cry as she shrugs at me and waves, mouthing 'You're next!' I laugh and return the blown kiss she throws at me, and for a second, I forget that Alice has just married Jasper, and I am so fucking happy for her. And then my heart seizes up as I see Jasper grab her and give her their first non-church kiss as a married couple.
Fuck that hurt. Like actual physical pain.
I compose myself again as I watch Jasper stuff Alice's ridiculous wedding dress into the limo. I can't help but smile as Jasper kisses first his mother and then his bitch of a sister. I laugh as I see Jasper's father and his brother-in-law pop the top of a champagne bottle and drench him with it. I panic as I think that this might be the last time I ever see him.
I decided not too long ago, that the time has come for me to distance myself from Alice and Jasper. They don't know; I couldn't bear to bring their happy day down at all with talk of my leaving. It's just, I'm actually starting to resent Alice. There are these thoughts that run through my head time and again, that make me disgusted with this person that I'm becoming. I've never thought I was a spiteful person. Hell, all these years, I've smiled that smile and talked that talk for both Alice and Jasper, so that they wouldn't know how I really felt. I just think sometimes, 'why the fuck should I have to do that?' I remember the first day we saw Jasper,and it's always accompanied by 'he saw me first.' Sometimes when I'm out with Jasper, I think 'what if I just kissed him one time?' If he had just one kiss from me, maybe he would question his relationship with Alice. Maybe he would think about me like I think about him. Sometimes, I find myself wishing Alice had never been born. Those times, I truly hate myself.
And so I can't go on like this. I think it's only gonna get worse. The only solution is for me to leave. These two, they belong here. They belong together. I belong…somewhere else.
I look up and see Jasper staring straight at me. Did the world just stop spinning? Oh my God. He's giving that look. That look that makes the rest of the world fade away. He's giving that look to me. Wait, what? He's giving that look to me. His eyes aren't quite as bright as they were, but the smile is. This smile is what I like to call the "Jasper Whitlock Trademark Smile". Big, wide, mouth just a tad higher on the right side than the left, but not so high that the dimple comes out. He's smiling my favorite smile. He knows that is my favorite smile. I know he knows because I told him, drunkenly, but still. He laughed and told me he had to go pick up Alice. I cried for three days and only stopped because Alice told me she would be over in two hours with "the most exciting news I've ever had in my whole life, Bella! Just wait 'til you hear!" I saw the ring as soon as she slid out of her car. It's the ring that I would have picked for myself. White gold with an emerald cut diamond. Simple. Elegant. Perfect.
I'm brought out of my thoughts once again by Jasper. He's tipping his head to me. Huh. He's mouthing to me, 'Thank You.'
I smile and can't help but laugh a little. God what he does to me. I mouth back to him, 'Thanks for what?'
His smile grows a bit, and a tenderness takes over his features.
And then he's gone.
It is actual physical pain. Heartbreak is actual physical pain. I don't know if I can stand anymore. So I sink to the church steps. I'm trying to reign in my tears, as it wouldn't do for the Maid of Honor, to start sobbing uncontrollably over the absence of the groom.
I wonder if my dad is still around; I don't think I could drive myself home at this point. Bad idea. Then I would have to hold myself together for even longer and still run the risk of having to explain myself to my father.
Well, he hasn't been Chief of Police since you were five for nothing; the man has eyes like a hawk.
Jake! Oh dear God in heaven, if you love me at all, please oh please let Jake still be here. Jake would understand, and he certainly wouldn't judge my good-for-nothing-ass. He was only pining for me until last year when Leah finally got fed up with waiting and went after him herself. I always knew that they would be good together. Huh. I'm pretty good at bringing happy couples together, now that I think about it. Jake and Leah. Alice and Jas-fuck. Let's not think about him right now. Okay, breathe Bella. Think about something else. Okay, so technically, that's only two couples. Whatever. I should still get some kind of reward, or someone should at least throw me a goddamn pity party. I mean-
"Well, well Bella. Hate the dress so much that you want to ruin it on the church steps, like, right after the fucking wedding? I thought you would at least wait until this whole thing was over before you threw it in Alice's face how much you hated her wedding. Or maybe it's not the wedding you hate so much as the fact that it's not your wedding." Ah, Rosalie, love her.
"What are you talking about, Rosalie? The wedding is over, my dress is far from ruined, I loved Alice's wedding, and anyway," breathe Bella, "I'd appreciate if you took yourself and your insinuations, and just, went.. away."
There, that should do.
"Really, Bella," Rosalie laughs as she says this, "are you just a tad retarded or did you really not know that you were, as MOH, required to attend the reception?"
Fuck, I knew that, I just chose to forget it in my lapse of sanity.
"O-of course I know that I'm supposed to be at the reception," I stutter. "I just needed to sit for a minute- the shoes are killing me. I'll be along shortly, and my dress will be just fine, thank you Rosalie."
"Mhm, shoes, right. You look like you are about to break down Bella. Hell, your eyes are so glassy, I'd think you were high if I didn't know how in love with my brother you are," Rosalie snaps at me. "It's time to bury that torch Bella, it's been time."
"What are you talking about, Rosalie?" I breathe out. Seriously, I'm not that fucking transparent, there's no way she could know. Right?
"Please Bella, don't insult my fucking intelligence. I've always known. You're like an open goddamn book around my brother," she snaps at me. "I don't know how Alice has been able to stand having your pathetic ass around all the time. You practically drool all over my brother whenever he's around. Everyone else might be blind or gracious or what the fuck ever with you, but I'm not gonna be, not anymore."
She's starting to piss me off.
I remember the first time I met Rosalie McCarty née Whitlock. Alice had been over to visit Jasper at his house many times, and she was always telling me how awesome his family was. She wanted me to meet them, so did Jasper, and that was what decided for me. I mean if he wanted me to meet his family, then I really meant something, didn't I? Jasper's parents- 'Don't call us Mr. and Mrs. Whitlock hon, you'll insult us without knowing it, Peter and Charlotte, that's our names, use 'em,' were gracious hosts. They hugged me and smiled, and I knew where Jasper's smile had come from right then. They were the most easygoing people I'd ever met, and I loved them instantly. Then, I met his sister.
I felt like I'd just collided with a brick wall. Seriously. One minute I'm standing there smiling at Jasper's parents, the next I'm struggling to breathe and my body feels like it's caught in a vice.
"B! We've been waiting all day for you! I'm fucking hungry, let's eat now!"
"Emmett put that poor lil child down, she don't know you from Adam!"
Who the fuck is Emmett?
"Emmett, so help me God, if you don't put that girl down, I will put you down," a voice said. A lovely voice, like Jasper's only feminine. Slight southern drawl, lilting at the end. This voice, however, had an edge to it.
This Emmett person put me down, and I saw exactly why I felt like I'd had the life squeezed out of me. He was huge, like Gerard Butler 300 huge. Solid muscle, but his face, wow his face could make anyone smile. It was the kindest face I'd seen outside of Alice. Big blue eyes, easy smile, and dimples for days.
"Sorry 'bout that B, I get a little crazy when I haven't eaten,"Emmett laughed out. He held his hand to me and said, "Emmett McCarty, nice to meet ya, B!"
I took his hand and felt washed in warmth. Then he said, "And this is my Rose!"
I turned and was met with a sight like no other. The only thing I could think was- this is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She had long golden blonde, wavy hair. I swear the light bounced off her hair and made her look unreal, like an angel, sent straight from heaven. Her eyes were so light blue they almost looked like diamonds. Her face was flawless, and she had a body that made anyone else in the world look like dog meat.
I was at once in awe and utterly terrified.
"Nice to meet you Rosalie, I'm Bella, Alice's best friend," I said to her as I held my hand out.
She looked at my hand like I had some incurable disease and she'd rather not risk touching me.
I didn't know what to do, so I looked back to Alice and Jasper. Alice looked just as awestruck as I had felt a moment ago. Jasper though, winked at me, and mouthed 'It's okay.' I blushed, of course, and turned to look back at Rosalie. Imagine my surprise when she was staring at me with narrowed eyes, and she looked ready to tear me limb from limb.
"Nice to meet you," Rosalie ground out, and proceeded to brush past me to the dining room, "Come on Emmett, let's get you fed."
Bitch never liked me, and I had never done a fucking thing to her.
"Look Rosalie, I don't know what the fuck I've ever done to you, and I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but it's about time you backed the fuck up off me," I spat at her. That bitch is smiling at me! "I've never given you a reason to dislike me, but you're bound and fucking determined to do so with me. Could you please just give me a break for one more day, and then-"
Fuck Bella, do NOT tell Rosalie that you're leaving, that would just add fuel to her nastiness.
Her eyes were narrowing again, someone should tell her she's gonna wrinkle early if she keeps that ugly, pinched look on her face.
"And then what, Bella? And then it won't matter anymore? Why? Because they're married now? Because you've finally given up? Why Bella?" Why won't she shut-up? "You're right, I've never liked you. I knew that first day, that you were in love with my brother. I know that you're just biding you're time until he tires or whatever of Alice. Well, guess what, Bella? That's never gonna happen! Alice and Jasper were meant for each other, always have been," she sniffed out that last part.
Like I don't fucking know that!
"You know what, Rosalie? Fuck you. I'm sick of sitting here and listening to your accusations. Yes, I've been in love with your brother for as long as I can remember, but you should know," breathe, Bella, "that I never asked for it. I would never do anything to cause him or Alice pain, and I've kept this shit to myself all this time, so I don't know why you are making such a big goddamn deal about it now. In fact-"
"Kept it to yourself?!" Rosalie cackles, "Kept it to yourself, huh, Bella? That's why, not three days after you tell Jasper how much you love his 'Jasper Whitlock Trademark Smile', he's asking Alice to marry him? Why the fuck would you tell him that?! You were trying to get him to leave Alice! You've always been trying to get him to leave Alice! End this, Bella! It's past time, let those two live their lives without having to worry about how it will affect poor, little Bella!"
Oh, hell no.
"You don't know what you're talking about! Don't you think if it was that easy, I would have just gone and buried the motherfucker?" The sobs start as I say, "I did not ask for this Rosalie! I did not ask for my day to start and end by Jasper Whitlock! I did not ask to love him! I did not ask for my world to be falling apart around me on what should be one of the happiest days of my life! I love Alice! I would do anything for Alice! I would do this for Alice!" My whole body is shaking under the force of these sobs now. And I'm standing, I can't take this, I'm gonna fall, I just know it. Rosalie looks...contrite. And still I'm not done. "Tell me Rosalie! Tell me how to make it go away! I don't want it! I didn't ask for it, and I don't want it! Please, oh God-"
Emmett is suddenly there, catching me as I fall. My dress catches on my godforsaken heels, and the sound of it tearing is deafening.
"Bella-"Rose starts, and I'm curious as to what someone might say to a person who has broken down in front of them. She doesn't get to finish though, because Emmett harshly and abruptly cuts her off.
"Enough, Rose!" He snaps at her. She starts to speak again, as Emmett cuts in once more. "She's had enough, Rose! I'm taking her home!"
Rosalie nods, and moves to the side to let Emmett and me pass.
"Wait," I whisper, I've suddenly remembered, "Please Rosalie, don't say anything to them. Please tell them something else, anything else, but don't worry them or upset them. Please."
Rosalie looks surprised. God, she's such a bitch. She does nod though, and that's the best I'll get. I let Emmett lead me to his jeep, and he has to lift me up so as to not split my dress any further. Like it fucking matters anymore. I turn to stare out the window, and hope that he chooses this moment to not to joke or speak or anything. I hope he just drives me home.
The sobs have subsided, for now at least. There's a clear thought running through my head, and I wish I could make it go away.
He saw me first.
"I knew that; Jas told me that one night when we were out drinking."
I think I said that out loud.
Emmett just goes on though, like it's not wrong how I'm thinking that my best friend's husband saw me first. "Yeah so, Jas and Ali were fighting. Weird, right? Those two like never fight." It's true, they never fight. I'm intrigued, and highly disgusted with myself. "So Jas starts talking, about when he first met Alice. He said, that he saw this girl in the crowd, and he just felt drawn to her, she had this beautiful brown hair, and the sun was hitting it and throwing off these really pretty reddish streaks. He said she looked like a dark angel or something," Emmett chuckles. Hold the phone!
"Emmett, Alice has black hair, always has," I roll my eyes as I say this, and try not to notice how my voice cracks when I say her name.
"I know that, B," Emmett sighs, "Jas was talking about you."
"What?!"I kind of choke out.
"Yeah, B. He said, in that moment, the world stopped spinning, and then you turned around, and all the breath left his body. He said he'd never seen anything as beautiful as you," Emmett sighs. We were in front of my house by this point; I didn't even realize we'd driven away from the church. "He walked his country ass over there for you, B," Emmett stops here. This is a lot to take in honestly. I don't know that it's helping really, I think it's making it hurt worse actually.
It could have been me.
"Except it wasn't you, B, not after he saw Ali," Emmett sighs. The sobs start again, and I sort of nod to him. "I'm not telling you any of this to make you hate him or her or me, or justify Rose acting the way she does, or anything. It's just… you're not fucking crazy, B; it was there for him too. You just can't ever control these things. If he could make it go away, B…, he would. Please know that."
"Everyone knows, B."
Well that's just… ugh.
"Well then, I guess it's good I'm not going to the reception," I cry, "I don't know how Alice could stand having me in her wedding, knowing that I love her husband and all."
"B, come on, don't be like that," Emmett sighs. He undoes his seatbelt and leans over to pull me into his arms. I'm probably ruining his tuxedo, and for the life of me, I can't stop crying. "We all love you, everyone,B. We want you there, I just didn't think that you needed to be there. We'll always be there for you and want you there, and you fucking know it."
"Rosalie doesn't love me, in fact, I'm pretty sure she hates my ass," I bite out.
"Yeah well, Rose is a bitch," Emmett laughs. I gape at him because, well, he just called his wife a bitch. "What? It's one of my favorite things about her; well, that and that thing she does with her mouth when-"
"Ewwwww! Emmett! Shut up!"
Come on, I had to interrupt that; I so don't want to know about Emmett and Rosalie's kinky sex life.
But now we're laughing. Laughing feels good. I can't remember the last time I laughed. Well, laughed and it wasn't forced.
"Do you think they'll hate me if I don't go?" I ask in a small voice.
"Impossible," Emmett scoffs, "It's impossible to hate you, B."
I smile at Emmett, and he hands me a handkerchief. I blow my nose in the most unladylike of ways and try to hand it back to him. Emmett waves me off though, and offers me one of his own trademark smiles. His smile could light up a room; I wonder how the hell Rosalie found such an awesome guy. Lord knows she doesn't deserve him. I unbuckle my seat belt and lean into Emmett, giving him the biggest hug that I can muster at the moment. When I lean back I offer him a small smile and a quiet goodbye, and hop out of his Jeep. I don't even fall. As he is driving off, I lament over the fact that I will not ever see Emmett McCarty again. Thinking about that doesn't hurt near as bad as it should, and I'm sad about the fact that I didn't allow myself to know him better.
I walk into my house and take in the small surroundings that have been mine for the last two years. I'm not sad to say goodbye to this house or this town. I'm only sad to say goodbye to him, whether he knows it or not.
And now you know that he does.
I start to take my ugly ass pink bridesmaid dress off before I've even left the living room, but stop when a picture catches my eye. It's of me and Alice; we were ten years old and eating ice cream. The ice cream was dripping down both of our arms, and it was sticky and we just laughed. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Alice was spending the night with me, and Charlie had taken us to the ice cream parlor because Alice turned her big eyes on him and asked in her angel voice if he had any ice cream since it was so hot. Charlie didn't even stand a chance. I love this picture.
I love you, Alice.
Another picture catches my eye right next to it, of Jasper and myself. It was the summer after we all graduated, and Jasper had talked me and Alice and Jake into going camping. I remember Alice whining about no plumbing for days, but we all had a blast. Alice took this picture; Jasper was playing country music on his guitar, and I decided to put us all out of our misery. So I took it from him while his eyes were closed. He, of course, grabbed me before I could get away, and I fell, bringing him along with me. We were laughing and rolling and tickling, and that's when Alice snapped the picture. I love this picture.
I love you, Jasper.
I stare at it for just a moment longer, and decide to take it from the frame. Before I realize what I've done, it's in the trash. I just can't do it anymore.
I should have faked sickness or told Alice I had stage fright. Or maybe I should have told her the truth, she surely wouldn't have wanted me in the wedding then. And I wouldn't be feeling this way.
Fuck yes, you would. Doesn't matter that you were there or not, they were still gonna get married, and you were still gonna hurt.
He saw me first. I've still not processed this...what Emmett said. I mean, I've told my head time and again, how Jasper saw you first, but to know that he really did see me first.
I can't do this anymore.