SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS: Owner's Guide and Manual
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Once Upon A Time In Mexico or Sheldon Jeffrey Sands. I DO, however, own Sheldon's parents. A/N: This is based off of EvilsApprentice's fic CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Owner's Guide and Manual. WARNING: really slight, hell, hardly noticeable, cursing. BTW, Sheldon has his eyes! George Jung WILL be in here! DEAL WITH IT! Savvy?
The CCU Presents: Sheldon Jeffrey Sands: The Complete Owner's Guide and Manual
You are now the proud owner of a SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS
Follow the guidelines and installation procedures correctly and your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit will be working great and will provide you with years of companionship!
Your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS arrives fully assembled (and clothed, of course)
To activate your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit, simply apply Puerco pibil and tequila with lime or hot open-mouthed kisses to your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit.
Name: Sheldon Jeffrey Sands
Nicknames: Jeff; Sands; Shel; Shelly
Weight: You don't need to know that, sugarbutt.
Manufacturers: Nathanial & Cassandra Sands
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eye Color: Dark Coffee Brown
Date of Manufacture: Not a day over 42, I swear by it.
MODES OF OPERATION
The SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit has several entertaining functions that can be accessed by voice activation. Note: Most of his functions should be used by owners who are 18 or older. The CCU is not responsible for any promiscuous or sexual tendencies displayed in minors in relation to the SHELDON JEFFERY SANDS unit.
SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS' main mode is Charming/Manipulative/Witty. He's like this normally.
WARNING: DO NOT PISS-OFF SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS! HE WILL SHOOT YOU!
Goofy/Silly/80's/Classic Rock/Country Music & Musicals Nut
Simply talking about and listening to 80's/Rock/Country music/watching 80's era/Classic Rock/Country music videos and talking about and watching musicals/listening to musical soundtracks can activate this mode. Simply being silly and goofy can also activate it.
This mode is exceedingly rare and hardly ever seen. You can activate this mode by being nice to your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit, giving him something (chocolates, roses, etc.) on Valentine's Day, and/or simply lock him in a room with a GEORGE JUNG unit.
This can be activated simply by satisfying your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit or, once again, locking him in a room with a GEORGE JUNG unit.
COMPATABILITY WITH OTHER UNITS
Your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS will bother, annoy, and possibly anger basically everyone and their mothers, unless he's paired with a GEORGE JUNG unit. Then, and only then, will he be nice.
SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit has 3 modes of interaction:
Charming/Manipulative-Basically used with everyone he comes in contact with. He's not really a people person.
Annoyed/Angry-DO NOT PISS HIM OFF IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE OR UNLESS YOU WANT TO GET SHOT!
Happy/Romantic/Horny-Mainly accessed when in contact with a GEORGE JUNG unit.
Your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit comes with several entertaining (and a few dangerous) accessories:
FOUR LOADED GUNS (ammo included)
ONE ALL BLACK OUTFIT
ONE COWBOY OUTFIT
SEVERAL TACKY OUTFITS (there's WAY too many to count)
ONE BOOK ABOUT JUDY GARLAND
SEVERAL 80's CDs
SEVERAL MUSICALS (basically every musical in existence)
SEVERAL MUSICAL SOUNDTRACKS (basically every musical soundtrack in existence)
SEVERAL COUNTRY CDs
SEVERAL CLASSIC ROCK CDs
HIS OWN BAD ASS THEME SONG
Your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit requires a bath or shower twice a day and lots of attention.
*SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS is loyal, but he will probably not listen to you anyway unless you threaten him with drilling his eyes out.
*Do NOT let ANY Sheldon Jeffrey Sands fans fangirls/guys know that you own a SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS; if word of this starts spreading around, the results may include, but are not limited to: Sheldon Jeffrey Sands fangirls/guys stalking you and/or attempting to steal your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit.
*If any Johnny Depp or Sheldon Jeffrey Sands fangirls/guys approach you, HIDE YOUR MODEL IMMEDIATELY!
*If your GEORGE JUNG becomes lost or stolen, call our 800 hotline or search for him if you're up to the task.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS doesn't look like Sheldon Jeffrey Sands and he is always drunkenly staggering around. What's going on?
A:You must've gotten a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit instead of a SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit. Return him and we will give you a SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit.
Q: My SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS is taking my mom's good tequila, but she thinks I'm taking it. What should I do?
A: Tell your mom that you aren't taking her tequila; It's your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS. Then, explain to your SEHLDON JEFFREY SANDS that he isn't allowed to take your mom's good tequila, but that he can raid the cheapo tequila cabinet anytime he wants. That should do it.
Q: My SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit spends hours on the phone talking to some guy in mexico... what should I do?
A: Well, he probably thinks that he's still in Mexico. Tell him that he's not in Mexico anymore. If he doesn't believe you right away, show him proof (i.e. take him around town , etc.) If the phone bill is through the roof, take away all of his phone privileges.
If you have any further questions, please call our 800 hotline or leave a comment on our Questions board.
Problem: My AJEDREZ BARILLO unit is always harassing my SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS unit. He's getting VERY annoyed. I really want it to stop. Please help!
Solution: Just send the bitch back.
Problem: My SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS is acting strange. He's depressed and has contemplated and tried to attempt suicide (thankfully, my GEORGE JUNG helped me stop him). He won't tell my GEORGE JUNG or me why he feels this way. We're very worried about him. What's wrong?
Solution: This is a frequent problem with the SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS units. He had an epically fucked up childhood. * He sometimes gets like the way you described. Try to lift this spirits by doing things he likes (watching musicals, making puerco pibil, etc.). If this doesn't work (it normally does, BTW), then take him to a therapist.
Problem: My Sheldon Jeffrey Sands Unit frequently wakes up in the night screaming. He's
having nightmares about drills. I am worried about him and was wondering what
you could suggest to help?
Solution: The nightmares are because of what happened when he was in Mexico. Get him some therapy or take him to a shooting range. Savvy?
Problem: Also, my friend's unit is acting strangely. Sand's hair is slightly longer and
also lighter than it should be and while he has no interest in his gun he
keeps doing these tricks with his hat (which keeps running away from him
whenever he goes to pick it up.) And he really freaked me and my friend out
the other day when we took our units out to lunch with us and he stuck forks
into these breadrolls and made them move and dance. HELP!
Solution: You accidentally got send a SAM Unit. Just send him back and we'll get you a SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS Unit right away.
Problem: My unit is always gone for a hour of a day and won't tell me were he's been. Help!
Solution: Interrogate him and/or threaten to burn any and all tequila within a 50 mile radius of your house.
*If you would like the details of Sheldon's epically fucked up childhood, read my story "Behind A Pair Of Cold, Dark Eyes".
If you have a problem with your SHELDON JEFFREY SANDS that wasn't mentioned, please leave a comment on our Problems board.
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A/N: Please REVIEW! Also, send in your problems and queries and I'll add 'em to mai story! 8D