The Twilight Twenty-Five
Pen name: BecauseSheCan
Pairing: Bella with mentions of Edward
January 30, 2009
Fridays are never a good day in the service industry, even in a forgotten town like Forks. The kids come to the diner to spend hours sitting at one table, order practically nothing and leave only the spare change as a tip. The adults aren't much better, Friday night has always been and will most likely always be the night that they don't have to cook, the night they are too tired from working all week so they ship the family out. Unfortunately the only places to eat in town are the dinner, pizza and the deli; and the deli closes at seven. So Fridays are the worst day, and when a month ago I took the double and sometimes the triple shifts without complaint but now I am finding that I just want to get the hell out of here. I finally have something to do after work that doesn't consist of housework.
I have a mystery to solve and a friend to meet. Is it odd that I now consider Justin a friend? I mean I barely talk to the kids and today it was even worse, with me caught up to where he is we decided that we would start deciphering the journals. All day we just sat there next to each other reading through the journals, the only sound in the room the faint hum of the radiator and the scratching of our pens, but it was nice. I think the nicest part was sitting so close to him, all day long I am surrounded by people but I am never actually with them. Justin was sitting close enough to me that I can feel his body heat, and it is so comforting, so intimate. I haven't been that intimate with anyone since I was back at college and me and my friends would hang all over each other, laughing, believe it or not I managed to have a pretty average college life.
I miss sex.
I know it is a little personal for you, and don't get the wrong idea I do not look at Justin like that but it was nice. It was nice being touched, and wanted, and smelling someone else, kissing them. I miss needing someone, having them need you, being able to hold someone's hand. It is brilliant and beautiful and I miss it. I still love Edward, I always have, and the first time it happened I was a little drunk and a little spiteful and it hurt and I cried for hours when I finally walked out of the guy's room in the morning, but after I kicked myself in the ass and decided that I was doing it all wrong it got better. The second time I cried a little, but the third time was sweet and gentle and I refused to allow myself to think of Edward. So yes, I miss sex. I miss intimacy. I miss feeling. I hate the gray cloud my life has become, one monotonous day after the next. Adding Justin's room to my routine, while not the biggest change in the world, is enough to make me anxious for more; more change, more life, more things, more events, and more actions. Action that is what has been missing in my life, I have had a serious lack of verbs in my life these past two years, I need action.
And I shall have it, I finally accepted Leah's offer for the party tonight, and I decided to bring Justin with me. I am kind of nervous about introducing them to one another, is that odd?
Till we meet again,
January 31, 2009
You have been my constant companion for thirty one days already can you believe that? No? Me either. It is almost hard to believe how much you have transformed in one month, you began as a way to move past Edward and you are now a witness at my fight to find him and save him. Life is funny right? Renee always told me to never make plans; she said god laughs at those who plan, and while I always believed this to be her excuse for being lazy, now I see the merit in it. God laughs at plans, but I pray he has pity on the planners because right now it does not seem like he does. The journals are leading us now where. Everything seems so senseless and while right now we are just taking inventory of what is mentioned and once we finish we will narrow them down.
By the way I got the call that my library books came in, can you believe that? But I still went to pick them up because I felt bad they were shipped all the way here for little old me. These books are really deep too, I especially love this line:
Om- That supreme Brahman is infinite and this conditioned Brahman is infinite. The infinite proceeds from infinite. Then through knowledge, realizing the infinitude of the infinite, it remains as infinite alone
It's a mindfuck right? I told Justin I got the books and he thought it was a good idea if I read them and gained my own opinions, rather than hearing his interpretations. I doubt I will find a breakthrough, I mean he has read these back and forth in the original language, and he has read his father's thoughts on this as well, but nevertheless I will give it a shot. The passage above me is my favorite so far (I have only read three pages, but almost every sentence is like this one) I think it means that life is a circle. There is no beginning and no end, it always has been and always will be and time is just an illusion. It's like Plato's theory of the forms, I think that is what I am thinking of, the one with the prisoner tied to the wall and the shadows right? Like all we see is our interpretation of the things, we can't get past our own minds… but no that is not like this right? Plato believed there was a definite shape to everything and I don't think that is what this is saying. This is saying there is no such a thing as true definition because everything is everything.
Ouch… do you hear that? It is my brain splitting in half. This book is a serious mindfuck and that is only two sentences. Two!
Oh, and because I know you are dying to know last night Justin fit in really well at the res. Well not perfect he was a little quiet, but it's odd seeing him in a social setting. I have never seen him like that, he has always been so serious about this prophecy thing, and at the birthday party he was drunk off his pretty British ass.
A little bit happy,
February 1, 2009.
Sunday is a long and tedious day. Especially when one is used to being constantly in motion, most days I cherish the thought of nothingness all day, but I am prone to exaggeration and what I really mean is I want is ten minutes, maybe an hour at the most, where I can sit and then get back to life. Sunday is filled with way too many ten minute breaks, and far too much mindless television that I cannot turn off. I woke up at the late hour of nine o'clock made breakfast, watched television, did wash, watched television, went to the grocery store and almost considered buying one of the books they sell there (I put it back) then guess what? I watched some tv. See a pattern here?
After that well I went home and switched the laundry, put away the groceries and talked to Jess on the phone for a little while. The last time I got off the phone with her I wallowed in misery, hating her for having a stupid normal life with job, boyfriend and friends, but today I was able to be happy for her. I think, no wait, I know, this is all because of Justin and his prophecy, and I don't think he even realizes what it is doing for me. I am getting my life back and every day I feel like small pieces of me are coming back to life.
I was almost tempted to call him today, but he has my number and I think a day apart might be good. Maybe letting our mind think about other things will allow the puzzle to sort itself out a little bit. We are almost done with the journals so, pretty soon this thing will be solved; I just hope it's soon.