Chapter eleven- Not the only one still living

"Numbing the pain for a while will only make it hurt more when you finally feel it."

-J.K Rowling

Something heavy slammed onto the bed next to my leg sending a shudder through the mattress waking me from my sleep. I nudged the suitcase with my knee and turned a sleepy eye to Charlie standing over me with his hands balled at his side.

"I can't do this anymore Bella." I rolled over, my back to him.

"Baby your going back to your mothers. Maybe...maybe she'll be better for you. I don't know what to do, I just don't. Edward….."

A choked sob cut through me causing Charlie's stern words to become quit and once again taking on the pleading desperate tone as I was now used to.

"Bella I've done everything I could think of. I've read every book I could find, I talked to other parents and god knows the doctors didn't do a damned thing but try and pump you full of medication that will do nothing more then turn you into a walking zombie. Bella you don't eat and what ever I force down your throat you just throw back up. It's been a month since that bastard left. You only leave this bed to go to school and we both know you're no different there. I can't even think about the nightmares." By the end he was screaming, I pulled the covers tighter around myself when he mentioned the nightmares.

Every time I shut my eyes it was the same just him walking away. Each time I closed my eyes he would turn and walk away again. Each time I would hurt as much as the first, it was almost worse, I still didn't do anything to stop him. Even in my dreams I was a stupid coward who stood by and let myself get played with like a cheap toy.

I didn't want to fight Charlie, I knew my behavior hurt him, it hurt everyone. I just couldn't get up and be happy people pleasing Bella right now. I just couldn't…the bed jumped as Charlie sat next to me. His back was pressed to mine; I could feel shudders run through him but nothing else. After a few minutes I shifted towards him. His hands were pressed to his eyes but the fact was plain, my father the strongest man I knew was crying. He was crying over me.

And that's all it took, to know just how deeply my stupid broken heart was hurting my father like edw… like he hurt me. I slowly kicked the blanket off of me and stood still for a moment thinking my next step. I walked to my door; my legs wavered with each step. When I reached the door I turned back at an visibly shocked Charlie.

"I'm going to take a shower okay dad?" My voice cracked with strain. My throat was on fire from lack of food or water and the fact I threw up after each meal without fail.

"Ahh…sure." Charlie nodded and met me at the door. He walked behind me as I walked to the bathroom weather it was to catch me if my malnourished body failed or to keep up with the doctors recommended suicide watch I wasn't sure, but either way my speaking and the fact I got up by myself seemed to please him.

"What do you want for dinner dad?" I stopped at the bathroom to ask the only question my exhausted mind could think of.

"I think we have some fish and frozen fries. That okay? I could run out and get some grocery's. I haven't really been keeping up with the shopping." I had watched everything around me from my bed, but it wasn't until that second that I realized when my life stopped at the hospital so had Charlie's. He had been at home with me until I left for school and was always home before I got back. He never went fishing anymore and I can't remember a minute he wasn't by my bed or at least in hearing distance since the night we got back from the hospitial.

Even with the door shut behind me and the shower on I knew that Charlie was pacing outside the bathroom door. A shadow would pass under the door frame. I sat on the toilet and watched my fathers shadow move back and forth on the other side of the door. The steam filled that room, I let the hot air burn my lungs and let the tears fall. I tried to wait until Charlie went asleep at night to cry, I had put him through enough, but trying be normal even for just a few minutes had the tears falling.

I gulped down a lung full of air, I had been weak and broken for a month, I didn't know how long it would take to repair myself. I didn't know if I was even fixable, but I did know Charlie wouldn't suffer through watching this pity parade anymore. No matter how much pain I was struggling with he wouldn't see it. No one would.

With this imperative promise to myself I got off the toilet took off the night gown I had been dressed in for how long I didn't know. I dropped the garment on to the floor and turned for the hot relief awaiting me in the shower. I caught a glimpse of a woman out of the corner of my eye. I turned to her and our eyes meet. Her eyes were empty; the deep brown everyone said was her most striking feature seemed to fade into a lifeless gray, shallow, with no emotions or hope. Her soul had been torn out, you can see it in the eyes. Her lips were cranked from lack of water or use. Blood had dried in sporadic places where her teeth had been pushed too hard against the flesh. Her hair had been forgotten or simply ignored. It had been weeks since a hair brush and days since it had seen shampoo or hot water, not counting the tears that had rolled of her pale cheeks to rest in the tangled mess of brown waves. Her clothes were wrinkled and hung off her malnourished body like a warning ad for eating disorders. I turned way from the mirror. What do I care, why should I care?

I hope ya'll like this chapter. I'm not sure, i feel like bella's emotions are all over the place, but then again they should be right! Well i hope YOU GUYS liked it. I will try to keep this writing pace. I am so happy to be posting again. I will try to keep up with the other story also but i seem to be having writers block with that one. Please leave me any comments/questions you might have or just tell me something you'd like to see in the story.

Now for your enjoyment a conversation i had with myself over next chapter.

'When is Jacob going to make his muscly entrance into the story?'

'It can't be next chapter'

'Why not?'

'Next chapter bella has to face her class mates and pretend to be better.'

'Why can't jacob just be in the last sentence or something.'

'What could he possibly do in the last sentence that would be so important?'

'Be shirtless.'

So yeah Jacob will be in the next chapter! lol, bye till next time!