Disclaimer: Code Geass, along with it's characters are sole property of Sunrise and CLAMP.
Words in bold are lyrics to "1000 Words" By Jade from Sweetbox. "1000 Words" is sole property of the respective media companies and record labels.
Author's Note: This is a song fic. The first one I've ever wrote. I never venture into this realm of fan fiction but I felt like the lyrics of this song fit Lelouch and Kallen exactly. I really liked the way it broke down so I hope you all enjoy it as well.
When You Left…
A Code Geass songfic by Beautifulnightmare07
"It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments. Most often they're over before they start, even though they cast a light on the future and make the person who originated them unforgettable." -Prince Chulalongkorn, Anna and the King
I know that you're hiding things, using gentle words to shelter me.
He had always been secretive. With great reason, of course. But it seemed like the closer I got, the more confused by it all I became. But the way he spoke to me. It always seemed so genuine. So eloquent.
Your words were like a dream.
It was easy to get wrapped up in everything he told her. The naïve school girl inside of me simply wanted to take what he said without question and go about my life.
But dreams could never fool me, not that easily.
But the soldier, the fighter, the Queen in me told me to keep my shield up. That he was only waiting to hurt me like he had hurt everyone else. And sometimes it seemed like it pained him. Almost like he could see the shield thrown up against him. Although he never said anything, I was rather sure it bothered him. Hell, it bothered me.
The dream isn't over yet.
But still…it was nice to fly on the whimsical wings of fantasy. So easy to get wrapped up in thoughts of what could be. What would be when it was all over. When this journey finally came to an end and peace was once again a gift the entire world enjoyed and not just a select few.
Though I often say I can forget; I still relive that day.
There are many things that I remember about that day. I don't even have to specify which day it is. Everyone in Japan knows the day that the damned finally received his just reward and slipped away from this world to forever burn in the pits of hell. That was also the day that I finally realized everything. A day too late to fix us. And a moment too soon you were taken. Everything began and ended that day. Everything.
You've been there with me all the way.
I go about my days, still a member of the Black Knights, serving under your replacement. Just the thought makes me laugh. As if you could ever truly be replaced. The idea itself is ludicrous.
I acted so distant then.
I distanced myself from you right before the end. It was in that span of time that I swore I hated you in the daylight, and cried at night for the man I loved, who had deceived me.
Didn't say good-bye before you left.
It was unreal how fast he could move. How fast he could pierce you and let you fall. How fast the world seemed to spin. And yet slow. Painstakingly slow. Enough for me to feel the pain of the blade like it had been my fate instead of yours. I screamed. I wonder, could you hear me? Did you hear me? Is that why you smiled? Because you knew?
But I was listening.
I could see your mouth moving as you spoke to Nunnally. Even though I knew I wouldn't be able to hear your last words, still I tried. I still have the scar around my upper arm from where the metal bonds cut into my skin. I ignored that pain. It seemed minute compared to the pain I felt at having not known. At having treated you the way I had. At having missed your final words. Your final stare. Your final touch. Your final breath. It still hurts.
You fight your battles far from me......far too easily.
I was your Queen. Your fighter. And yet…you kept me out. You strung me along for the better good. Did you think I was too weak? Or were you afraid…afraid that when the moment came I wouldn't be able to stomach your decision? …I think you were right.
I still hear you say; 'Save your tears 'Cause I'll come back'.
I remember feeling a fool whenever a tear slid down my cheek. Feeling like it had been wasted on a man who cared only for his own sick pleasures. And now I feel a fool for having not cried enough. For having a weak mind. My heart told me the truth; and yet I ignored it. I am a fool……no, I was your fool.
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door.
"You were my greatest pawn of all." I cried then. I didn't let you see. I kept my dignity. My damn dignity. Why am I always so concerned about such a fleeting state?
"Live on, Kallen."
You said it so quietly. But I heard you. I heard you. My answer had been in that sentence and yet I ignored it when the slightest bit of friction surfaced to challenge it. You told me your plan in three little words. Two words. And my name. I always loved the way you said my name.
But still I swore to hide that pain when I turn back the pages.
It killed me to walk with you through the halls of Ashford Academy for the last time. The place where it had all began. The place where it all ended with a kiss. I can still taste you on my mouth. The last time I could look into your eyes and attempt to read the amethyst orbs. They were silent that day. Except for a brief moment…they were…sad. While I openly displayed my sorrow, were you dying on the inside? Were you crying as well?
Shouting might've been the answer then.
Sometimes you made me so angry that I wanted to bash your head in with my Guren Mark II. But shouting at Zero was not acceptable. I was not supposed to know who you were. But when Zero made comments to me that Lelouch secretly used to his own advantage, I wanted to scream. No matter how happy I was. A few times Zero made comments about the length of my Black Knights uniform. Something about 'nothing but a sea of legs'? No one had heard but I wanted to shout my reprimand. You could have been caught. But instead…I flushed and went back to updating my Knightmare frame. I love that you always found a way to let me know that I was on your mind. That stupid grin still fills my face sometimes.
What if I cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart but now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart....
No matter what I said. No matter what I did. You were going to leave anyways…weren't you? I would have stood by your side. I would have been your Queen…I wanted to be your Queen. Something told me from the first time that I met you that you were going to leave. But I chose to ignore it.
'Cause a thousand words, called out through the ages, they'll fly to you. Even Though I can't see.
Everyday I wake up. And all day…no matter what the occasion, what may happen or who may be around, I speak to you. I think of you. I dream of you. I remember you. I wonder…do you know? Is that possible?
I know they're reaching you, suspended on silver wings.
Something in my heart tells me you know. Sometimes I have a feeling of absolute peace take over me…and the silly girl in me thinks its you. The realist in me thinks its fatigue.
I like the silly girl's approach a lot more.
A thousand words, a thousand embraces, will cradle you.
Do you know that if I say your name like a mantra…I feel safe? Warm? Loved? …because I do.
Making all of your weary days seem so far away; they'll hold you forever.
At night I see you in my dreams. And for those eight hours of sleep, I'm happy. The world is right. But then the day breaks and my bleak glimpse of happiness fades away and is replaced with school, duty, fighting, and cursing. Then at night, I rush to my bed to see you again, my night time lover. And it keeps me going. It keeps me holding on.
Oh a thousand words have never been spoken. They'll fly to you. They'll carry you home
I love you. I loved you then. I wonder…if I say it out loud…will I feel complete? Or will I just open up the hole in my heart further, sucking me into its depths and losing me forever in the world of loss and missed opportunities of what could have been? …To be honest…I'm afraid to find out.
And back into my arms, suspended on silver wings.
I wonder…maybe, just maybe…if I hold my breath and wish for it hard enough, maybe I can bring you back. I'm desperate now. I never thought my life would be changed so drastically by you. Correction; I never knew that you were my life. Without trying you stole my heart and took it with you to your premature grave.
A tear. A sob. And a laugh. I want you to keep it. I don't care how long it takes until I see you again…I want you to keep it. It's my gift to you. I accused you of using your powers against me. Bending my will to serve your own. And your answer had been simple:
"Your heart has already chosen…and you have chosen…me."
A meek smile. You knew all too well, didn't you?
And a thousand words, called out through the ages, they'll cradle you.
There are days that I'm bitter. There are days that I'm happy. But mostly my days are lonely except for my memories of you. They keep me company. They are your arms around me.
Making all of your lonely years to only days.
Time drags here. But I am hopeful…I am hopeful of seeing you again. I am hopeful of your vision. That's why I still dress in that same uniform you bestowed upon me. That's why I still pledge my allegiance to your replacement. That's why I still keep company with Nunnally on a daily basis. You know…I can see you in her eyes. And the way she smiles…oh how she smiles like you. Sometimes I feel like you're looking right back at me. Sometimes I can feel you so much that I need a moment to myself. Sometimes I hug her and close my eyes. My closest connection to you I have at my disposal. Aside from my pictures. Aside from my thoughts. Aside from the legacy that you created without the support of the people you saved. The people who disowned you. You weren't as ego-hungry as I once accused you of. You were simply determined for a future that everyone could share. Even if that meant excluding yourself.
They'll hold you forever.........
"What is it then, Kallen? What are you trying to say?"
"Lelouch, I lo-"
I wake. My dreams of you are interrupted. My chance at retribution stolen yet again.
I rub my eyes and stretch my tired limbs. I make my traditional walk to my wall where you keep silent vigil over me. There you are…smiling. Always smiling. Raven hair. Fair features. Dark purple eyes. And a smile. I wonder…were you hiding pain even then? You were so brave, Lelouch.
I will see you again one day. And when that day comes…I think I owe you an apology. But don't get all egotistical…you know how I hate when you get that smirk on your face.
No…just another characteristic of yours that I fell in love with. But still…I may have to roll my eyes. I can't let you think I've gone soft since you left.
A smile. One of my own for once.
Yes…I will see you again one day. Until then, my dreams, memories, and photos of you keep you in my heart. A heart that's yours. A heart that was always yours…you smug jerk.