Disclaimer: Joss owns all, though I'm creating my own mythos out of his gargantuan universe. I'm told it's just the latest thing...
Summary: You wrap your arm, hating the blood soaking through the bandages, and miss Faith with a vengeance. You wanted to surprise her, to make her know that men didn't always just want to play around for a night and then disappear forever. So like vampires.
Notes: Adoxerella will kill me for going through with this one...or so I thought. That is all. *sighs and laughs*
You start to hate yourself not long after you realize it. It creeps in after the denial finally fades, slowly eating it and taking its place. You start to think, if you can just kill enough of them, destroy them like they did your mother, your only link to life, then maybe it'll kill what's inside of you and keep it from ever showing. Keep it from ever taking over.
You truly can't stand the sight of blood.
Her Watcher loved you, you know that. Told you so often, hugged you - never flinched. You still don't know why.
Just like you don't know why you're named what you are. Robins don't hunt, kill, they sing and hop. She should have named you after a bird of prey, if a bird at all. But who names their kid 'Eagle'...well, the Natives do it, in the States, but that's different. And anyway you know they're picking each other off left and right - their culture and diversity destroyed just like their lives, just like your life - by an unseen enemy forcing itself into your background just by virtue of its existence.
Worst of all, you know it's still in you. Was there before you ever knew anything, had a chance to fight. The books knew about the...the détente...you can only call it, but your mother's Watcher never told you. You can only guess it was never meant for you to know, that it was thought you might have any number of reactions - which is completely correct.
You watch your blood drip to the floor from the cut you've made in your arm and wonder if this blood belongs to him, the thing that killed your mother. The First brought it out, showed it plain within the shell it hid in, the shield of the soul it cowered behind, but in the end, it's all red and nothing you can or could do would ever let you tell the difference.
You wrap your arm, hating the blood soaking through the bandages, and miss Faith with a vengeance. You wanted to surprise her, to make her know that men didn't always just want to play around for a night and then disappear forever. So like vampires.
But it didn't last, it never will.
You have a feeling, you just have a feeling. You know things - that Spike was descended from Angelus, who your very own boss - once your own employee - can't stay away from. That her arguments with Xander and Giles were fueled by the fact that neither could choose between the thing and the soul, Xander accusing her of the same. You heard their argument, The Slayer didn't make it a secret, before they each disappeared just when you couldn't take it anymore.
You stayed in your room, unable to admit that you felt Xander perfectly right because you care about the allegiance you have to these people, the closest thing you have to a family in the decades since your mother and her Watcher each died.
Andrew later told you that The Slayer, Willow, Faith, and - inadvertently - Xander all wound up delving into Angelus's head with magick. You don't know how to feel about that, can't imagine they saw anything other than a horrific sideshow of brutality and sheer evil...but it's not your decision and the choice was already made.
Either way, that was a week ago, Buffy, Faith, Willow, and - God, Xander - all having recovered, Xander now fully on Angelus's side? It makes it impossible for you to eat often, but you fill that void by hunting. The more you kill, however, the emptier you feel.
You try to search for the oldest ones, those of at least fifty or more years of age. The young ones are idiots, not at all likely to have true mates. Certainly not in any of your Slayers. You must kill as many of those elders as you can, not knowing if any of them, however many, are truly descendants of blood within the Order of Aurelius.
Yes, you know which clan of vampires it is that has this odd, destructive, disgusting attraction to Slayers and some Slayers to them. You'd kill the cause, but you know he is considered completely and one-hundred percent his soul by all those around you and to do him in, any of his children or grandchildren (not Childer, you know the difference, understand their partial humanity, the descendants, especially, with your own Slayerhood even if you don't understand that in and of itself - it's something never explained to you and you don't know if you want the answer), then it will be your head on a pike, and you're not a fool.
The Destroyer was found by the Activation spell yesterday. His father is the Grandsire of the thing that killed your mother, his mother the thing that made Angelus...but the Kalderash, they made...'Angel', though, didn't they? Or is it still a matter of Angelus's own humanity and considering the family he had before Darla drained him of his, making him the monster he was for over a century? The thing you know is still inside him?
Is the Destroyer something to be considered by his ancestry? His paternal grandfather is a normal human, by all consideration; his maternal/paternal Grand/Sire was The Master, Joseph Heinrich Nest, one of the most evil vampires to ever walk the world. Which is the truer one?
Which one is more connected to you?
You don't know who your father is, was - if he's still...undead. You've never known. The Order of Aurelius has many branches and much recorded throughout history, though the largest amounts of it only became available after The Slayer destroyed The Master...and Angelus stood back and simply let her do it.
Not even before the one who killed your mother sat back, himself, and destroyed The Annointed One, purportedly locking the little devil in a cage and hurling him into the sunlight. At least you like to think it was hurled. For all you know, it just walked away, his paramour - Angelus' daughter - on his arm, and ignored the demonic little creep.
The Destroyer was raised to kill his father, the one with the Soul. You were raised to hate them all, yet not yourself, though you still wonder if there's even a difference. Did he ever? Does he now?
We can both walk in sunlight, don't thirst for the life's blood of others, though he's rather stronger than you are, possibly because of the genetics of two well-aged, incredibly powerful vampires instead of one unknown vampire, one (barely known) Slayer.
The Slayer has spoken of Doctor Haswari and Officer David by now, of Agent Gibbs, of Connor Angel, marked them all completely off-limits. Spoken of the coming Slayer Liliana Morgan Ainbheartach, whose mother and father, though human, were both once dead. She will be a Slayer, her father her Watcher. Liliana is completely off-limits as far as training. Connor Angel, The Destroyer, has chosen to train with his father, one side of many.
The more you find out, the less you want to live.
The Slayer - Buffy left you a note moments ago, instructing you that while you might not fear death, might wish for it, you are not under any circumstances to seek it out.
The Slayer is in her blood. She has run from it numerous times, this I'm well aware of. Faith has never run from it, embraced it with all her being. She told you once that when she had nothing else, it made her feel alive. But that's the crux of it, she had nothing else. And if The Slayer is all you have, then what life is that?
But you've never asked her that question because it would lead to the same in you. If Robin Wood is not what makes you feel alive, then what does? The deadness sliding inexorably through your veins?
Giles spoke to The Slayers and to you, no one else, on this matter. Who else here could it apply to? Harris knows, only because Buffy told him. She brought him up short, stopped him cold. You know you are not alone in your feelings.
Officer David has never felt this way, you are sure of it. Even Faith had to be driven to it, but Ensign Samuel Lawson, later Elijah David...Angelus's soul gave birth in blood and darkness to him and he, in turn, produced his son, Dr. Ari Haswari, and two daughters, Officer Ziva and Talia David. You wonder why the sisters shared their father's last name while the son took his mother's. But then, didn't you, as well?
Darla destroyed herself so that Connor Angel, the Destroyer, would live.
Each have and do feel dead within, just as you do. That you know just as surely as you feel a darkness you've never allowed to the surface inside yourself.
You sound Shakespearean in your thoughts, you know, but how else does one raised as yourself - The Destroyer, the Doctor (you are unfair, you will include the Officer and their younger sister in that equation), and you - consider that which is within us, but does not truly apply to us?
Humanity, Slayerhood, Vampirism.
How else does one consider trying to live without meaning?
So you won't.