A/N: Hi there anyone who stumbles across this fanfic. I have to admit it right now. I LOVE this pairing; it's like one of my top favorite couples. This is the first time I actually wrote a yaoi fanfic, so I'm sorry if it sucks. But I still hope you like it. ^^

Warning: slash or yaoi (whatever you want to call it) and cutting. Don't like? Then don't read it, simple as that.

Pairing: JohnnyXPonyboy

Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders. If I did then why would I be writing a fanfic for it? I also don't own the song lyrics. I only own the plot of this.

Can't Breathe when I'm Broken
By: girl-next-door13


You take the breath right out of me
You left a hole where my heart should be.....

Ponyboy missed Johnny. Missed him so much it hurt. When he passes by the lot where they would hang out, creating so many memories, his heart breaks. Memories that Pony wished they never had. They caused him pain and misery as he thought of his best friend who was someone more as well. They loved each other.

Ponyboy blames himself for Johnny's as well as Dally's death. Maybe if he didn't want to run away they could still be alive. Just maybe. Who knows? There were many ways that this could have been avoided.

He wanted to hug his best friend one more, kiss his soft lips, and see into his innocent eyes again. Ponyboy still remembered the day they confessed to each other as if it was yesterday.


It was a few months before the incident with the socs. Ponyboy was on his way home after school when he saw Johnny sitting in the lot where they hung out, his full attention on the black pavement.

"Hey, Johnny.", Ponyboy called when he started to get closer, making him look up to him with wide eyes. He had expected him to run away since Johnny has been avoiding him. He has been avoiding him for a few days now. Pony was worried he did something to make his best friend avoid him like a plague. Instead of running, Johnny quickly looked back to the road, trying to look like he didn't hear Ponyboy. He grinned as he sat down next to Johnny, dropping his backpack on the ground. The two friends sat in silence, awkwardness hung heavy between them. The sound of an occasional car passing by was the only sound. Ponyboy knew something was wrong and it started to worry him. The silence was getting too much, so he decided to say something.

"Johnny, is something wrong?". Pony finally asked. Johnny looked up from the road again and into stared into Ponyboy's eyes. He felt his cheeks got red as he stared into his chocolate puppy dog eyes. Johnny looked he was contemplating whether or not to tell Pony what'd on his mind, so he continued.

"You know you can tell me anything, right?", he said, leaning back on his hands. It was true; they told each other almost everything. Ponyboy knew he could trust him, maybe even more than Sodapop. Johnny mumbled something under his breath that he couldn't make out.

"Huh?", he asked, tilting his head to the side. Johnny let out a sigh and stood up, slightly kicking the dirt under his feet.

"You wouldn't understand.", Johnny whispered, staring down at his shuffling feet.

"Try me.", Ponyboy smirked, standing up as well and crossed his arms, "It can't be that bad." All he heard was the same mumbling as before making Ponyboy a little annoyed.

"Just come out with already!", his voice rising a bit. For a split second, Ponyboy felt a slight pressure on his lips. His eyes widened when he realized what happened. Johnny had just kissed him. He felt his cheeks get hot as he just stared blankly at his friend in front of him. Pony couldn't tell if Johnny wasn't blushing from his tan skin, but his innocent eyes gave away his nervousness. As if it was an impulse, he leaned into another kiss, this time making it longer. Ponyboy heard a small moan coming from Johnny before he felt the boy's tongue on the bottom of his lip, asking from passage. He was more than willingly opened his mouth, their tongue roaming each other's mouth. The kiss was sloppy and weird as all first kiss were, but they loved it. They finally pulled way when reality hit them, making them remember they were in the lot. The two looked at each other and knew they were thinking the same thing:


xX-Flashback ends-Xx

Ponyboy smiled at the memory, but then soon fell a lump in his throat, making him stop. He shook his head and kept walking down the street to go home, passing the lot. He wanted to look up, but he couldn't. If he saw where Johnny and he would hang out a lot, he would start crying...again.

They obviously started to go out with each other, being careful not to get caught. Their relationship was not, according to people, "acceptable by the public". They weren't sure who they could trust to tell and not be judged, so Johnny and Ponyboy decided it to be their little secret. The two were great at keeping it; no one suspected anything; just how they liked it.


Ponyboy and Johnny were sitting on Pony's bed. Johnny's arm was wrapped around his lover's shoulder, who was studying his English textbook. They were the only one home at the moment, so they didn't have to worry about someone walking in on them. Pony was reading about cause and effect in stories. Johnny was reading about it as well, just for the sake of looking at something. If he didn't, he would have stared at Ponyboy instead, probably causing discomfort in the younger boy.

Soon Johnny felt a gaze on himself, causing him to look up. His lips were then met with Pony's, a small sound of surprise escaping his mouth, but making no move to pull away. Johnny even deepened the kiss by licking Ponyboy's bottom lip, causing him to open his mouth and started to explore each other's mouth. He then heard a noise sounding like a book was being shut quickly, knowing that Pony didn't feel like studying right now. Ponyboy placed the book next to him as Johnny pushed him slightly to lie down, straddling his hips. Johnny pulled away, making his way down to his neck and started to suck and nibble. He didn't suck too hard because he didn't want to leave a mark. They didn't want anyone to suspect anything. He then felt a hand go and up and down his chest, feeling every scar and bruise that his bastard of a father made on him. Ponyboy broke the kiss for a second to remove Johnny's shirt, exposing his chest. He blushed when he noticed Pony's expression. It was as if he was awe strucked by it.

"What?", Johnny asked, a little embarrassed.

"You're beautiful.", Ponyboy answered, before sitting up and continued to kiss him again. They haven't gone this far yet; the farthest they went has been just making out. Johnny's face felt getting hot after hearing those words. No one has ever said anything like that to him, so he didn't really know how to react to it. Soon he didn't find it fair that Ponyboy was still fully clothed, so he started to pull his shirt off of him and threw it wherever. Pony felt his pant's button being undone, so he looked down and saw Johnny's hand on his button. They looked into each other's eyes, wondering if it was ok to continue. Unable to find his voice, Pony just nodded his head.

Then things started to go into blurs. Pants were taken off, followed by their boxers. The whole experience was beautiful; tongues danced with each other, hands groping places, and, well you get the picture of what happens after. After everything was said, no wait moaned, and done, Johnny and Ponyboy rested in each other's arms, breathing heavily and smiling to themselves. Pony's head was laying his head on his lover's chest, drawing invisible circles on his stomach.

"I love you.", Johnny said smiling, looking at Pony.

"I love you, too.", he said with a happy sigh. That was one week before the incident with the socs. One week before their world would start crashing down.

xX-Flashback ends-Xx

Ponyboy was now just a block away from his house, but tears were prickling in his eyes.

'Stupid memories.', he thought to himself, adjusting his backpack straps on his shoulders He rubbed the tears away that were about to come out. He winced in pain suddenly remembering the cuts on his arms from last night. He found it weird that his brothers' didn't question his for wearing long sleeve shirts or jackets all the time. He found out he was good at lying and acting. Ponyboy wanted to see Johnny one more time and he'll do it no matter what, his mind then went to the razorblade that he hid in the bathroom.

He wants to see him again, even if it was just for a second.


Because I'm broken when I'm open
And I feel like I am not strong enough.
Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away........

A/N: Well if you made it this far, I didn't kill your mind with my writing. : D Accomplishment! I hope you liked it! This was supposed to be a one shot, but I changed my mind and might add one or two more chapters. I seriously didn't know whether to put it in T or M, so let me know if it's in the wrong place ^^; .Please review since they help me decide whether or not to update it. So press the green button below and tell me what you think! ^^

Song lyrics used for the chapter:

Breath ~ Breaking Benjamin

Broken ~ Seether ft. Amy Lee