A/N: Wow! Thanks so much for the reviews and the favs! Here's the second chapter. ^^ Enjoy! Sorry that this took awhile to update. I was busy with homework and other stuff. Also I tried to make this longer and more presentable.
Warning: Yaoi or slash, cutting, attempted suicide.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Outsiders, S.E. Hinton does. I also don't own the song lyrics used in this. I'm just one of the many that write fanfiction, so I just own the plot.
Can't Breath When I'm Broken
Chapter 2 - Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Don't bury me
Face this enemy
I'm so sorry
Is this the way it's gotta be?
Ponyboy did try to move on; trying to take a grip of reality again, but couldn't. He dated a little; in an attempt to forget Johnny. He really did try, but none of the girls he was in a relationship with felt right like it did with him. So he stopped dating, deciding it was too soon to be out there.
He was good at keeping a facade. Ponyboy had to act normal to blend in and not let his secrets know. Secrets that will probably get him killed or shunned by many.
Ponyboy walked through the front door and dropped his backpack in his bedroom. The house was quiet, since it was just him at the moment. He grabbed a quick drink of chocolate milk before making his way to his bedroom where he hid his trusty razorblade. Pony hid it in the pages of a book that he kept out of view. He opened it and grabbed the blade before heading to the bathroom. He sat on the floor, his back leaning on the bathtub before pulling his sleeve up to reveal cuts and scars. They varied from old as a month to as new from last night.
It's the same routine every time. Make a few marks until someone gets home. Then clean up the evidence and go out there and act as if everything's completely normal. But this was different. Pony positioned the blade near a vein in his wrist, but his hand wouldn't continue. He then moved the blade as far away from the vein and cut a single long red line, repeatedly calling himself a coward.
This was what he considered his punishment for not protecting Johnny. For not being able to keep his promise.
Ponyboy was reading a book in his room, trying to kill time. Bored out of his mind, he shut the book and stared at the wall. This is the fourth or fifth time reading that book that he almost can quote it word for word.
He was alone at home while everyone else was doing something. Sodapop and Steve were working at the DX today, Dally was in jail and was going to be released in a week or so, and Darry was working as usual. He had no idea where Two-Bit and Johnny were, so he decided to go out and look for them; maybe see if they want to watch a movie or something. Pony got off his bed and quickly put on a jacket and his shoes before heading out the door. He dug his hands into his jacket pocket, his fingers playing with the lint that was in there. He decided to stop by the lot to see if Johnny was there, which is a big a possibility. Just as he expected, there was Johnny sitting on the abandon car chair, but he was curdled up, his head buried into his knees. Pony ran to him to see what was wrong.
"Johnny?", he asked as he sat down next to him. Johnny looked up when he heard his name being called, his black eyes widened. They went back to their normal size when he realized who it was. Pony stiffened a little when he saw his face. It had a few cuts here and there and a bruise was forming on his cheek. Johnny's lip was bleeding a little bit and his eyes were red and tears were still coming out despite of himself.
"Oh, Pony. It's just you.", Johnny whispered, rubbing his eyes to make the tears stop, ignoring the pain.
"Johnny, what happened?", he asked, wiping the blood off his boyfriend's face with his sleeve carefully. He winced, but didn't make any movement to move away.
"H-he came home early and was dr-drunk.", he sniffed. Pony knew who 'he' was and felt stupid asking that question. It was usually his parents. He couldn't understand how someone can hurt little Johnny. He seemed too innocent and fragile for anyone to hit him. Anger started to build in him just thinking about it. But he pushed those feelings away, knowing he had to clean Johnny's cuts before they get infected. Pony helped him stand up; putting his arm around his waist while Johnny wrapped one arm around his shoulder.
"Why didn't you come over sooner?", Pony asked as they walked home.
"I didn't want to come crying and all.", Johnny whispered, limping a little bit. They shortly arrived back at the house. Ponyboy placed him on the couch as he went to the bathroom to get the small first aid kit and went back to the living room. He opened it and took out cotton swab and dabbed it with a little bit of alcohol to disinfect the cuts on his face. As he was almost finishing cleaning it up, he noticed a rust-color spot on Johnny's jacket sleeve. Pony pulled up his sleeve to reveal bits of pieces of glass in his arm.
"Johnny, why didn't you tell me about this?", he asked, staring at the glass.
"I was going to tell you when you were done.", Johnny answered, his voice was a little uncertain. Pony decided to leave it at that, not wanting to argue with him, and searched for tweezers in the kit to take the glass out. He soon found them and started to carefully pluck the glass out. The only thing heard during it was Johnny's short breathes when a piece was pulled out, trying not to scream. When it was all over, the wounds were cleaned up and his arm was wrapped in a white bandage.
"I feel bad about this.", Ponyboy said, holding Johnny's hand in his own.
"Why? You didn't do anything.", he asked, stared bewildered at him.
"That's the thing. I hate seeing you like this, all hurt and in pain. And I can do nothin' about it."
"That's ok. I can protect myself.", Johnny said, placing his head on Pony's shoulder, "Don't be worried."
"Yeah. I just don't wanna lose you, that's all.", he said with a sigh. He sat up straight and looked in his eyes, "Johnny, I promise I'll protect, no matter what. I promise."
"You don't ha-", he started but was cut off when he felt a pair of lips on his own.
"I know, I want to.", Pony said when he pulled away.
"Okay, Ponyboy, I trust you." And then they sealed it with a kiss.
Ponyboy was washing the blood off his arm when he heard the door being opened. He placed the blade carefully in his pocket before walking out the bathroom to see Sodapop, who was taking off his shoes, and Darry, who looked more tired than usual. He had bags under his eyes and looked like he was going to collapsed from exhaustion. Darry went straight to his room, closing the door behind him.
"He's really tired tonight. Almost fell asleep drivin' home.", Soda explained.
"I wish he wouldn't work so hard.", Pony muttered, still looking at Darry's door.
"Me, too. What do you want for dinner?", he asked, giving his brother a noogie to get his mind off his older brother. It seemed to have worked because Pony was laughing along with him and tried to be let go.
"I'm not really hungry. I had a big lunch.", he answered when he was released from his grip.
" 'Kay then. I'll just make myself a sandwich before coming to bed.", Soda said, making his way to the kitchen while Pony headed toward their bedroom.
"Okay.", he called back before shutting the door.
Ponyboy was working, well at least was trying to work, on his homework for math. He stared at the page of equations for fifteen minutes before Sodapop walked in, changed into a pair of sweatpants, and plopped down on the bed. Ponyboy kept staring at his paper, not acknowledging his brother. Soda studied the boy carefully, trying to figure out what was wrong without having to question him. Darry and him have noticed something wrong with Pony at times and it made them worry something awful. When they try to approach the subject, he would just shrug it off, telling them everything is ok. They can only buy it for so long. Pony looked up from his homework when he felt a pair of eyes boring into him.
"Oh, hey Sodapop. Didn't hear you come in.", Pony forced a smile.
"Is something bothering ya?", Soda asked.
"No, why?", he replied with a question, shaking his head.
He shrugged, "It's just that you've been actin' different, that's all."
"Well, I'm fine. Trust me.", Pony smiled to reassure him.
"Okay. If there's somethin' bothing you just tell me.", Soda said slowly, not very convinced, and was answered with a nod.
Pony seemed to notice this and decided to added, "Really, everything's fine."
"Ok, I trust you." He was a little hurt that his little brother was probably hiding something from him. Soda didn't want to push him or force him to tell him something he didn't want him to know. If he wants to tell him, he will. But that didn't help his anxiety about it. "Go to bed soon. It's late already."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.", he said, putting his homework away. Sodapop soon felt the mattress sink a bit as Pony got in to bed next to him. He wrapped his arm around his little brother protectively; getting a gut feeling this might be their last night together like this. He soon fell asleep when he noticed Pony's breathing was even.
Ponyboy stood in front of a brown door that was marked with the words "Guidance Counselor" on it. He's been standing there for a minute or two, contemplating whether or not to go in. The light was on inside, so the counselor was in there. Deep down, he hoped she wasn't waiting for him to come in. This is not the first time Pony has thought to seek help for his depression. This is probably the third or fourth.
'Maybe I should go in this time.', he thought to himself, reaching for the door knob. But something made him stop. If he did this, then they would call Darry and Soda causing more problems. Not to mention adding unwanted stress on Darry's life. Pony started to go back down the hall when he bumped into someone.
"Oh, Ponyboy.", Ms. Redwood, the school's guidance counselor, said, sounding as if she just got out of a daze, "Is there something I can help you with." She smiled at him, fixing her jacket a bit.
"Oh, no. I'm fine.", he said, about to walk away, "Thanks anyway."
"Oh, ok then. If you need anything, just come by.", she called after him. He needed to face this, not give in to his suicidal thoughts. Even if they were so tempting. Ponyboy walked to the front of the school to see if Two-Bit was still waiting, if not then he was walking home. Luckily, he still was there, talking with Marcia.
"Hey Two-Bit!", Pony called as he approached them, "Hey, Marcia."
"Hey, Ponyboy.", he replied, "Where you've been?"
"Just had to get some stuff from my locker.", he lied smoothly.
"Okay then, come on. I got to drop Marcia off as well.", Two-Bit said, getting into the driver's seat. Ponyboy got into the back seat, so Marcia can ride in the front. It was a short drive to the Curtis's house from the school. Once he stopped the car, Pony got out and said his good-bye to both of them.
"Take care, kid.", Two-Bit smiled causing him to smile back at him.
He watched Two-Bit drive down the street before going inside. He wasn't going to do it today, in an attempt to get over his addiction, but the razor blade was calling him until he couldn't help but answer it.
Ponyboy pressed the razorblade against his left arm, a ribbon of blood appearing in the blade's wake. The pain surged up his arm and welcomed it with opened arms. Pain helped Ponyboy not think, helped distract his mind from thinking of...him.
Tears prickled in his eyes, letting them fall freely when they escaped. He couldn't believe this is what he needed to do to get relief. He felt weak and sick about himself; not to mention disappointing This is usually when Pony would have stopped, but something in him kept telling him to keep cutting. That part of him took over, more blood was oozing out and some of it was dripping to the bathroom floor. Soon it making him feel light headed. He then heard the front door being opened then closed, realizing that must be Darry and Sodapop. Pony couldn't stop; he has gone too far. He quickly locked the bathroom door; Pony didn't want his brothers to see him like this, probably close to death. He let out a sharp cry of pain when he couldn't hold it back anymore.
"Ponyboy? Are you alright in there?" It was Sodapop's voice.
Ponyboy stopped, placing the blade on the floor next to him, staring blankly at the door in front of him.
"Hey, Pony, what's going on in there?", Darry had continued when he heard nothing but silence, this time knocking hard on the door. Ponyboy heard a noise that sounded the doorknob trying to open.
"Ponyboy! Open this door!", his brothers demanded, trying to break down the door. His eye lids started to get heavier and so did his breathing. Getting closer to death, getting closer to Johnny. A smile creped his way on his lips.
'I wonder if this is how he felt before he died.', Pony thought to himself, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling; relaxing his body.
The last thing he heard was the door being kicked opened and his name being called out before blacking out.
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied?
Chris - tourniquet
A/N: No, this is not the end.... it could be if you wanted it to. There is going to be one or two more chapters if he lives, so yeah. Hoped you like this chapter! Read and review please! ^^
Dear Agony ~ Breaking Benjamin
Tourniquet ~ Evanescence
Songs used for this chapter: