Disclaimer: Take that, Maynard G. Krebs!
We'll Meet Again
Shinji led the two girls through the bowels of NERV towards their EVAs with one thought on his mind.
'That scotch is gonna be so good,' the boy thought to himself, 'I can't wait to drink it.'
"Nother beer vending machine," Shinji called out to the girls, "beer break."
"Why are there so many beer vending machines in NERV's access tunnels?" Asuka whispered to Rei, wondering is she could get away with having one herself, despite the bottled blond scientist's threats that she could detect the slightest presence of alcohol in her system while in the entry plug and what she'd do to her if she detected any.
"Due to a safety requirement put into place shortly after the third child arrived," Rei replied.
"Oh," Asuka replied, wondering what the story was behind that answer and deciding that she'd simply ask Misato later.
Shinji was just about to pop open his beer and take a sip when a strange man bumped into him and caused him to drop his beer. The boy screamed in horror as the can fell to the ground and gushed its life's blood onto the cold unforgiving ground, mortally wounded.
"You are not an employee of this branch of NERV," Rei said in a monotone.
"And you three are commin' wid me," the saboteur replied with a cocky grin.
"My poor baby," Shinji said mournfully, "you never even had a chance."
"Focus ya lidd'l bastard," the saboteur ordered, "and quit whinin' bout yer stupid beer."
"Stupid beer?" Shinji growled.
Rei quickly pulled a rolled up plastic poncho from her pocket and donned it.
"What's with the rain coat?" Asuka asked.
"I dislike cleaning blood out of my school uniform."
The bridge crew all looked up in shock when two of the pilots entered the command center.
"How'd you two get down here so fast?" Misato asked.
"Pilot Ikari escorted us to a familiar section of the Geofront," Rei explained.
"If he brought you down here, then why isn't he with you?"
"Pilot Ikari is taking care of the angel," Rei said in a monotone.
"He said he needed to work off some aggression and that what he did to the saboteur wasn't enough to calm him down," Asuka added.
"Speaking of the Saboteur," Ritsuko interjected, "did you find the part he stole?"
"Yes," said Rei, as Asuka paled.
"Well, where is it?"
"Pilot Ikari proceeded to beat the intruder with it before shoving it up the man's anal cavity."
"... Maya?" asked Ritsuko. "Could you be a dear and get that for me?"
"Thanks for letting me use you as a blood shield," Asuka said gratefully to Rei. "I wasn't prepared for something like that."
"It's not a problem. Once Shinji has dealt with the angel and the current crisis is over, I'll take you to Nerv supply so you can get your own 'dealing with Shinji' female newcomer pack. It contains three disposable ponchos, a small bottle of scotch, and half a dozen condoms."
"Condoms?" Asuka asked intently.
"Yes, condoms. So far they have not been needed, but the supply officer is hopeful and insists we carry them. She herself also carries a small bottle of baby oil with her at all times, but that isn't covered by Nerv."
"Do you have a bottle of baby oil on you?" Asuka asked curiously.
"It's a pilot's duty to be prepared for all possible situations," Rei admitted. There was a faint blush on the albino's cheeks that would have been missed by all but the most observant observer.
Things were quiet at NERV for the next couple of weeks aside from one incident involving Shinji and a member of the local Motorcycle club.
Shinji blindsided the burly biker with a length of rebar and snatched up the man's keys.
"Later, chumps!" the boy called over his shoulder as he sped away into the night.
"Did Shinji just carjack a biker?"
"Is it still called carjacking when you steal a motorcycle?" another girl asked.
Ritsuko resisted the urge to yank out her hair when she read the shipping manifest.
"Who's the joker that ordered a set of EVA sized golf clubs?" she demanded.
"They're here?" Shinji groaned. The last thing he remembered was challenging that group of brewery workers to a drinking contest in Sendai.
"You ordered these?" Ritsuko asked. "What were you . . ." she froze as she realized what she had almost done.
No way in hell was she going to provoke the drunken little sadist, not after what the autopsy she'd performed on the saboteur had shown, she hadn't seen a beating that savage since someone had told Rei that her plugsuit made her ass look fat while she was on her period.
"Have fun with them," she said weakly.
Gendo awoke with a start, something was terribly wrong. He felt no pain and could no longer feel his injuries, but the world seemed . . . off.
He blew a lock of blue hair out of his eyes . . . wait, since when did he have blue hair? Nervously, Gendo reached down to give himself a quick 'hands on' inspection and was more then a bit surprised to find bits missing that should have been there and protrusions on his chest that he was fairly sure hadn't been there before.
A girlish scream echoed through the halls of the NERV medical wing.
Misato stumbled into work four hours late with a massive hangover. Still, she was just in time for the excitement . . .
"Pattern blue detected," one of the bridge bunnies called out.
"Where is it?" Misato asked. She winced at the alarms but forced the pain away.
"Orbit, ma'am." The bridge bunny frowned. "Never mind, ma'am. Pattern blue is gone."
"What do you mean gone?" Misato asked dumbly.
"I'm detecting a powerful multi gigaton explosion where the pattern blue used to be," the bridge bunny explained, "something must have destroyed the angel."
"Sensors confirm that an object the size and shape of an N2 mine left Tokyo III on a ballistic trajectory that intersected with the pattern blue," Maya added helpfully.
"Do we have a visual of the launch site?"
"Coming on screen now, ma'am."
"Is that . . ."
"Unit One," Ritsuko confirmed.
"What's he doing?"
Unit One swung the golf club and launched another N2 mine into orbit.
"Another explosion, Sempai." Maya said helpfully. "This one isn't as large as the last, but you might want to tell him he's destroyed the angel already, because if he slices he could take out half of downtown."
"You want me to interrupt his game?" Ritsuko screamed.
"Just tell him that he's coming dangerously close to taking out the cable satellite that carries porn for Tokyo three and that he's been invited to a strip poker game with the staff," Maya suggested.
Ritsuko was about to refuse, not wanting to incur the drunken sociopath's anger by lying to him, when she noticed Maya had a deck of cards and a box filled with bottles of assorted alcohol with her.
Gendo's scream echoed through the hospital ward and neatly summoned the nearest medical technician.
"What in the hell is the meaning of this?" Gendo demanded shrilly.
"Something wrong?" the med tech asked.
"Explain this!" Gendo demanded shrilly.
"Explain what, ma'am?"
"Why in the hell am I in one of the female clone bodies?" Gendo demanded. "Answer quickly or I swear to god that you'll be begging for death when I'm through with you." Actually, the man would be tortured to death either way but Gendo saw no reason to share that little tidbit of information.
"Perhaps I should direct your questions to the Doctor." The tech had been around long enough to know that passing the buck was the best thing to do. Normally he'd toss the little nutcase to the duty nurse, but since she'd done him a favor recently...
"No need," Gendo said coldly. The one good thing about this little 'transfer' was that it neatly took care of all 'his' injuries. "Why don't you just give me some alone time?"
"Whatever you want," the tech agreed. He stepped out of the room and headed towards the phone in the nurse's station. Apparently whatever the poor girl had gone through had driven her insane. 'Well, a few hundred CCs of Thorazine should take care of that.'
Gendo waited a hundred heartbeats before making 'his' move. The first thing he needed was information. He walked over to the computer station and pulled up 'his' chart.
Shinji put the barrel of the revolver to his temple and pulled the trigger. The hammer came down with a dull 'click.'
"Yer turn," he slurred to the rabidly paling Bosozoku gang leader.
"We've pulled the trigger five times," the man protested weakly.
"Jes means I win dis one," Shinji agreed drunkenly, "yer turn."
"How about we double the pay out," one of the other members suggested.
"Trible it 'n toss in yer bikes and yeh got a deal," Shinji replied after a moment of thought. The boy got up and stumbled out of the smokey clubhouse.
"Are we really going to give him our bikes?" one of the younger members whined.
"Do you know who that was?" the leader whispered fearfully.
It had taken Gendo a while to figure out where they'd hidden his medical records and it wasn't until he thought to do a search based on the room number that he found his answer.
Gendo frowned as he read 'his' chart. Dehydration, atrophied muscles, signs of . . . "sexual abuse?" 'he' said aloud.
His frown deepened, not only had those incompetent bastards put 'him' in one of the clones, they had put 'him' into the one 'he' used as a personal play toy. He shuddered as he remembered what he'd done to the body he was currently inhabiting.
"They will pay," Gendo promised in a low but distinctly feminine voice.
"Time for your shots," the tech said cheerfully, as he walked in with a large and painful looking hypodermic in his hands.
Shinji stumbled through the maze of halls that made up the Geofront until he felt an uncomfortable pressure in his bladder. Stumbling up to the nearest object, he unzipped and . . ."
Ritsuko was on the bridge when the lights suddenly flickered and then went out. Back ups kicked in a few seconds later but the bottle blond was still irate.
"God damn it," Ristuko cursed, "what now?"
"The MAGI have gone out, ma'am."
"I can see that," Ritsuko growled, "what I want to know is why?"
Iruel was a bit of a tech geek compared to his brothers, so he'd decided to play to his strengths and hack the DNA of the semi-organic computer system in Nerv. The fact that he could have infiltrated the LCL production tanks and reached what they all thought was Adam never even occurred to him.
Of course the fact that Gendo had implanted Adam's embryonic form into his hand shortly after it was delivered to Nerv and Shinji had Gendo's original body cremated and the ashes scattered on the men's room's floor of the local bus station made all that moot anyway.
Yes, the plan was a good one when the many glaring flaws were ignored. Unfortunately for Iruel, human urine, with a 10% alcohol content by volume, proved to be too much for the MAGI and the resulting surge of electricity fried the angel.
Shinji had once again saved the human race and the cost was only a few billion dollars and a thousand man hours to repair the three computers. It was one of the least expensive victories ever.
The electricity going out was exactly the chance that Gendo had been waiting for. 'He' silently slipped out of the secure hospital room and into the nearest air vent.
Thankfully the hybrid body 'he' occupied was more resistant to most anti-psychotics than his old body had been, as it allowed him to slowly puzzle 'his' way out of the maze of vents and onto the street, despite being loaded with enough meds to knock Timothy Leary on his ass.
Stumbling around the street, blinded by the bright sunlight, still drugged half way to hell and back, and wearing only a hospital gown, Gendo staggered into the hands of a Bosozoku gang that Shinji had made the acquaintance of earlier.
"Hey, she'd make us enough money to replace out hogs!" one of the bike . . . er pedestrians pointed out.
"She looks a lot like that blue haired chick that brought the truck for Ikari's bikes," one of the others pointed out nervously.
The gang leader paused before whipping out a phone and making a call.
Shinji pulled out his ringing cell phone in the middle of class.
Hikari would normally have said something about using phones in school, but since this was Shinji . . .
Glancing over at Rei he shrugged and tossed her the phone.
Rei held the phone up to her ear and her normally quiet voice made it difficult to hear any of the conversation.
"Yes, I believe some physical exercise would be good for her. Ten percent of the profits should be sufficient. Have a nice day."
Shinji looked down at the grave with an unreadable expression. With a sigh, he pulled a flask out of his pocket and poured the contents on the tomb stone.
"I just hope you had an affair," he said, "and I'll never understand why you married the bastard."
Gendo swore as 'he' crawled out of the 'club house' that had been his 'place of business' for the previous week.
'They would pay,' Gendo promised 'himself' as 'he' passed rows upon rows of shiny new motorcycles. As soon as 'he' found a doctor willing to do the needed surgeries and gene therapy, he would go back to NERV, assume his rightful position, and make them all pay. But first, 'he' had to sneak back into NERV to gather the resources needed to enact 'his' cunning plan.
Rei walked into NERV supply and waited patiently for the Supply Officer to notice her. "We are going to need to change the contents of the 'dealing with Shinji' female newcomer pack."
"Oh?" the Supply officer motioned for Rei to continue.
"I do not believe that the condoms included in the pack will fit Shinji properly."
The supply officer held up her pinky with a disappointed sigh. In reply, Rei licked her lips and held up a clenched fist.
"I'll get right on that," the Supply Officer agreed cheerfully.
"Thank you," Rei said calmly.
"How'd you find out?"
"Someone was careless enough to leave surveillance footage of Pilot Ikari changing on the network with inadequate security protection," Rei explained.
"How much for a copy?"
Gendo frowned, how in the world had his mysterious foe managed to find and destroy every one of the caches 'he'd' hidden around NERV? Gendo forced his breathing to slow, it wasn't the end of the world. All 'he' had to do was find a computer terminal and he'd be able to access his bank accounts. Not to mention the fact that there were still a couple caches outside the Geofront scattered around Tokyo III.
A cold smile formed on Gendo's new face. It was clear that 'he' was up against a formidable foe. A foe that would soon learn the folly of opposing an Ikari.
The corner of Shinji's mouth turned up a bit as he regarded his opponent. It had been a hard journey to make it this far, many had fallen before his superior skills leaving only one to challenge him.
"All in," Shinji said calmly. If this worked, he'd have a shiny new bracelet to add to his collection along with several million dollars and the right to brag that he was the best in the world. If it didn't, well he'd still get several million dollars.
"Call," Rei said calmly as she laid down her cards. "Four Tens."
One of the bridge bunnies calmly noted the alert on her screen and turned to address her superiors, "pattern blue detected ma'am."
"Where?" Misato replied.
"Approaching Tokyo III, should reach us within fifteen minutes if it maintains current speed."
"Prepare EVAs for launch," the lush ordered.
Mongo was many things. A Section Two Agent, a world class fighter, a surprisingly good dancer, and an excellent chef. What Mongo was not was extraordinarily intelligent and able to change preconceived notions on the fly.
"Dere you are," he grunted when he spotted the blue haired girl slinking through one of the less used passage ways of the Geofront.
"Wha . . ." Gendo was surprised to find himself grabbed by the back of his stolen coveralls and lifted to eye level.
"Dey needs yous in yer EVA," Mongo announced. The large man turned and began walking towards the launch bay.
"I am not the first child you simpering fool," Gendo screamed, "I am your commander and I order you to put me down this instant."
Misato was hyperventilating. Two of her pilots were missing and the third was half an hour away from the nearest access point. This was bad, this was very bad. At the rate things were going, the angel would arrive before any of her pilots were around to confront it.
"They've found the first child, ma'am," one of the bridge bunnies announced, "loading her into EVA Unit 00 now."
"Launch when ready," Misato said, sagging in relief. It looked like the extinction of the human race might be delayed by another day.
Gendo raged, how dare they put their Commander in an EVA. How dare they risk their Commander's life when there were children ready and able to take the risks. Heads would roll when he regained his rightful position, he would stain Tokyo bay red with the blood of those that opposed him.
However great it was, Gendo's rage was nothing compared to that of that of the Soul of Unit 00. A Soul that had just been given an opportunity to exact a bit of revenge on the man who had imprisoned her in a machine.
The Bridge crew watched as EVA Unit 00 rocketed the the surface to confront the angel. They then watched in shock as the EVA turned and ejected the cockpit into the body of the angel.
"What should we do, ma'am?" one of the bridge crew stammered.
"We need to find a way to get Rei out of that thing," Misato said firmly, "then . . ."
"Why do we need to do that, ma'am?" Maya asked with a frown.
"Because I am not going to write off one of my pilots without at least attempting a rescue," Misato growled.
"I mean, why are we going to do that when Rei is safe and sound?"
"Wha . . ."
The perky tech just pointed to a television screen that showed Rei and Shinji staring across a card table at each other.
"Is this live?"
"How did you find this?" Ritsuko interjected.
"I always watch the showdown at the final table," Maya explained shyly.
"Drop every N2 mine we have into that thing," Misato commanded, "now."
Shinji woke up with a raging headache. After taking a few dozen 'medicinal' shots of bourbon, he felt well enough to examine his surroundings.
"How in the hell did I find an EVA in Nevada?" he mumbled to himself.
Rei walked into NERV the next day with a new bracelet on her wrist. The tournament had been . . . enjoyable, she was going to have to do it again at some point in the future.
"Where have you been," Misato confronted the girl.
"Las Vegas," Rei replied calmly, "why?"
"You know that you're not permitted to leave the country without written permission and a Section Two escort," Misato growled. She expected this sort of behavior from her other pilots, well, one of her other pilots.
"Pilot Ikari was bored and contemplating several things that would have violated NERV general orders two through seventy five. NERV general order one states that . . ."
"Never mind," Misato sighed, "I . . ." she cut off when her phone began ringing. "I gotta take this."
Rei watched the interesting series of emotions that played out on her superior's face as the call commenced. It started at annoyance, followed by disbelief, and finally . . .
"What do you mean stolen?" Misato shrieked.
"Just that," the tinny voice on the other side of the phone replied, "Eva Unit 04 is missing. The United States Government has decided to transfer Unite 03 to Tokyo III to simplify security efforts."
"You're getting another EVA, congratulations."
"Why didn't you say so," Misato giggled, "send it right over."
NERVs' Assessment and Recovery wasn't the most glamorous department in the Tokyo III branch. Their job was to examine the field of battle looking for data that could provide future insight in their war against the angels and to recover any NERV equipment that had been left behind.
They were currently pouring over the scene of the last 'battle' between Unit One and the Twelfth Angel.
"Sir," one of the recovery crew called out, "you need to take a look at this."
"How in the hell did it survive?" The two men looked down at the battered Entry Plug with twin looks of confusion on their faces.
Misato opened her door and stared with bleary eyes at the man who'd disturbed her sleep.
"What?" she screamed. That was immediately followed by a wince as her headache made itself known.
"Excuse me, ma'am," the well-groomed man began politely. "Have you heard the word of The Holy Liver?"
"Get lost, Heathen!" She slammed the door in the soul solicitor's face. 'Asshole, everyone knows true followers never bother anyone before noon.' She winced again. 'Stupid headache.'
Shinji ignored the roar of the crowd as he leapt into the ring.
"Little man!" his massive opponent roared in a deep voice, "do you really think that you can last two minutes against . . . THE BONE SAW?"
"BONE SAW! BONE SAW!" the crowd cheered.
Shinji just smiled . . .
Rei walked into the infirmary and handed a file to the chief of surgeons. "Perform this procedure on the injured pilot," Rei ordered.
"I thought you were the injured pilot?"
"One of the reasons that this procedure was ordered was to avoid that confusion in the future," Rei explained.
The blood-covered paramedic reached into his bag for another I.V. solution as he and his partner did everything in their power to keep their patient alive.
"We're loosing him!" the other paramedic called out.
"Hook him up to the defib!"
The massive wrestler's manager watched in shock as the lifeblood of his talent stained the ring.
"So," Shinji interrupted the man's introspection, "looks like you owe me some money."
"The prize goes to anyone that can last five minutes," the manager said dully, "you had him down in less then thirty seconds."
"Does that mean you're not going to pay me?" Shinji asked in a low dangerous voice.
"It means . . ." the manager turned to make eye contact. "It means that, here's your money."
"Pleasure doing business with you," Shinji said as he pocketed the wad of bills.
Gendo woke up to find 'himself' gazing at another unfamiliar ceiling. The last thing he remembered was . . . oh yes, that's right. Mentally adding the entire bridge crew to his people to torture to death list, Gendo ripped the tubes out of his nose and crawled out of the hospital bed.
Gendo felt something brush against his leg as he staggered to the access hatch. Not allowing himself to feel hope, he slowly reached down and confirmed that yes, he was a man again. His elation died a quick death as further examination revealed that he was only half a man, well one third a man if one wants to get technical, and that he still retained a bit of his 'femininity' below his so called 'manhood.'
Gendo silently promised himself that 'he' would extract a bloody vengeance on whoever was responsible for making the former commander of NERV a hermaphrodite.
Toji walked out of the school and was immediately confronted by a group of creepy old men.
"Hey kid," one of the old men began, "wanna make a bit of extra money?"
"But you gotta keep it a secret," another agreed.
"Not interested," Toji replied as he pushed by them.
"We'll give you candy," another tried.
"All the cool kids are coming alone to isolated locations with us," the first agreed.
"Not falling for that trick again," Toji muttered to himself.
"How would you like a chance to get revenge on a certain person?" the last man spoke up.
"Revenge?" Toji asked eagerly. "On Shinji?"
"Who else," the old man agreed with a grin.
"Wait . . . this isn't a trick to get me somewhere alone so you can take turns with my innocent young body is it?" Toji asked suspiciously.
"It isn't," the old man said firmly.
"It isn't?" one of the others whispered to a third. "Then why are we here?"
"That's on Tuesday, this is Wednesday. Try and keep the schedule straight," the old man muttered to the complainer.
"Hey kid, you busy Tuesday?"
Two cold red eyes watched as Gendo serviced 'his' only remaining cache and removed the cash and other valuables he'd hidden.
Gendo stared dumbly at the computer screen. How in the world did his mysterious enemy drain his double secret emergency account? For that matter, how in the hell did they even know it existed?
Toji got into the skin-tight plugsuit and stepped out of the dressing room to meet his destiny.
"I'm ready," he said confidently, doing his best to ignore the way one of the old men was licking his lips. "What do I need to do?"
"Just get into the entry plug," one of the techs replied.
"Why aren't we doing this in Tokyo III?" Toji asked as they strapped him in.
"Need to give them enough time to scramble," the tech explained.
"What?" Toji said dumbly.
The tech ignored the patsy, choosing instead to focus on his work. "Preparations complete, close it up and start the countdown."
Toji was starting to have second thoughts about this whole pilot thing. "I don't think . . ." anything else the boy was going to say was cut off as the plug closed and docked.
"Let's get out of here," the tech suggested. "We can launch from a safe distance."
Misato was waiting at the helo pad when their visitor arrived. Dressed in an impeccably tailored uniform, he was the UN's latest attempt to gain some measure of control over NERV after the disappearance of the organization's commanding officer.
"General Nakayama," Misato saluted. "Major Ka . . ."
"That remains to be seen," the man interrupted arrogantly. "Take me to the bridge."
"Yes, sir," Misato replied sourly.
They were about half way to the bridge when the alarms started sounding.
"What's that?" the General demanded, a trace of fear in his voice.
"Probably another angel attack, sir," Misato answered.
"Hurry it up then, you fool!" the General ordered.
"Yes, sir," Misato agreed. 'Asshole!'
They arrived on the bridge to find the crew handling the situation with their normal level of professionalism.
"We're all gonna die," one of the bridge bunnies sobbed.
"Repent!" another screamed. "For the day of judgment is upon us, the Holy Liver is angry!"
"I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing Misato's chair," Maya muttered.
"You and me both," Ritsuko replied, before they both turned bright red and hurried to look busy.
"What's the situation?" Misato called out.
"Unit 03 has been taken over by an angel," Maya reported. "We are scrambling Units 00 and 02."
"What about the other one?" the General demanded.
"We are unable to locate the pilot of Unit 01 at this time, General," Maya replied.
"What do you mean, unable?" the General demanded.
"We know he's somewhere in the Geofront, General," Maya reported. "Just not sure where. We've got Section Two working on it."
"Have their commander relieved and arrested," the General ordered. "Let's see if that puts a fire under his second in command."
"Yes, sir," Maya agreed. 'Asshole!' "Units 00 and 02 have intercepted the Angel," Maya reported. Seventeen seconds later. "Units 00 and 02 have been defeated, the angel has a clear path to Tokyo Three."
"Tell Section Two that if they don't find him in the next five minutes, I'll have them shot," the General ordered fearfully. "If he's not on the battlefield in the next ten, I'll have the bridge crew shot!" his voice ended shrilly.
Two minutes later, a bevy of nervous agents arrived with a covered gurney.
"We found him, sir," the agent reported. "He was sleeping off a binge of formaldehyde and cannabis in the morgue reefer."
"Is he even still alive?"
"Two liters of formaldehyde won't put him down for more then an hour or so," one of the Section Two agents said proudly.
"It's true, General," Misato agreed. "One of our doctors resigned last month to start a rapidly growing religion devoted to the worship of Shinji's immortal liver."
"Wake him up and get him in the robot then," the General ordered.
"We find it's best to let him wake up on his own schedule, General," a Section Two agent said nervously. The number of names on the memorial for fallen agents doubled the last day they'd been ordered to disturb Shinji's rest.
"If you want something done right," the General muttered. Two quick strides brought the man to the gurney and he seized Shinji by the collar. "Wake up or I'll have you on charges for sleeping on duty." He slapped Shinji across the face. "I said wake up you lazy urk . . ."
"Maya," Misato called out cheerfully.
"I've had cleaning crews on standby for the last five minutes, ma'am," Maya said with a grin.
"Good work, Maya."
"Thank you, ma'am." Maya stared down at her readouts. "Ma'am," she called out, an undercurrent of nervousness in her voice.
"What is it?" Misato asked.
"The angel has just destroyed the Tokyo Three distillery," Maya reported. The bridge went silent as they considered the news, and slowly, hesitantly, every eye turned to regard Shinji.
Shinji's eyes shot open. "Prep Unit One for launch," he ordered in a gravelly voice, bits of general still dripping from his hands.
His bloodshot eyes swept over the room. "Now!"
"Yes, sir!" Maya squeaked.
Toji laughed in delight when Unit One took the field. Sure, it had sucked when the angel had taken over his EVA and he'd had to spend the first fifteen minutes listening to it cry and try to figure out where it could hide to escape 'The Destroyer's' wrath, but after a little pep talk, and a lot of lies, he'd convinced it to do its job and now he finally had a chance to get his revenge.
"Let's get him!" Toji cheered. Pilot, angel, and EVA reached an accord and they threw a devastating Jab that all three were certain would cause the destruction of their foe. "Uh . . ." Toji paled when unit one raised an arm and caught the punch and began tightening its grip. "Oh shit!"
Misato watched in horror as Shinji showed the world what he thought of the destruction of his favorite place within five minutes walk of his seldom-occupied apartment.
Maya began hyperventilating.
Misato sighed and walked over to her, unbuttoning her blouse she grabbed the panicking girl and shoved Maya's face into her cleavage for a couple of seconds until she calmed down.
"Turn off the visual feeds," Misato ordered, "restrict your view of the fight to the remaining sensors."
This seemed to be the cue for all of the bridge bunnies to start shaking and Misato sighed and went from station to station 'calming' them down. "I swear I have to do this every fight these days!"
"It's why you were promoted," Ritsuko mumbled into Misato's cleavage.
The pale, but much recovered, bridge bunnies monitored the fight for the next several minutes. "Unit 01, returning to launch bay, ma'am."
Shinji stepped out of the entry plug and onto the deck.
"Would sir care for a post fight gin?" Unit 01's Crew Chief asked as he presented a bottle to their returning hero.
"Sir would," Shinji agreed. Grabbing the bottle, Shinji bit off the cork and took several swallows.
The Crew Chief took possession of the now empty bottle and held up a mouthpiece with a long hose trailing off it. "Would sir care for a post fight toke?"
"Sir would," Shinji agreed, taking a long pull.
"Um, Shinji, sir." A nervous tech approached the pilot.
"What is it?"
"Sir," the tech began hesitantly. Damn that short straw. "I'm not questioning you or anything, but was it really necessary to do . . . that to the angel?"
"Yes!" Shinji barked as he walked past the trembling woman and out of the launch bay.
"On the bright side, maybe this will convince the other angels to stop attacking," Ritsuko said cheerfully as the janitor wheeled out his mop to take care of the rapidly growing puddle underneath the luckiest tech in the world.
The teacher looked over the rioting students for a few minutes, waiting for them to quiet down on their own. After it became apparent that there was no way that was going to happen, he banged his fist on his podium until the roar died down enough for his voice to be heard.
"I want you all to join me in giving a warm welcome back to Toji who just got out of the hospital," the Teacher announced.
"He was gone?" Hikari whispered to the girl next to her, receiving only an apathetic shrug in reply.
"I just want to thank everyone for the cards and flowers," Toji said emotionally. There'd been some sort of mix up and he'd never received any of it, but he knew his classmates would have sent him something. "It's good to be back . . . I . . . I still wake up screaming sometimes and the memory of what happened will always haunt me. I . . . I know that with your support I can get past this. Thank you."
"Very good, Toji, why don't you take your old seat back?"
"Yes, sensei." Toji shuffled over to his desk and carefully placed a large rubber doughnut on his chair before slowly sitting down with a wince. Damn that Shinji, damn him to hell!
Kensuke managed to contain himself for almost thirty two seconds. Imagine it, his best friend was an EVA pilot. Granted, Toji had to be the worst EVA pilot that ever lived, but just the fact that he'd been chosen had to count for something.
"So . . . I was wondering," Kensuke began, "what was being a pilot like?"
"What was it like?" Toji asked with burning eyes. "You want me to tell you what it was like?"
"Yes," Kensuke agreed eagerly, "tell me everything."
"To start with my Eva was taken over by an angel," Toji growled.
"And?" He really didn't see what the big deal was, Shinji killed angels like it was a hobby and there was even a rumor that he'd let Asuka kill one the week before, so it couldn't be all that hard.
"So they sent Ikari to stop me," Toji growled.
"You wanted another shot at Shinji didn't you?" Kensuke said, figuring that Toji had used the angel as an excuse to make another attempt on Ikari where the female students couldn't interfere.
"As a pilot, you can feel everything that happens to your Eva," Toji said with haunted eyes. "Everything."
"So when Ikari shoved a telephone pole up the EVA's ..." he began, finally putting the pieces together and remembering the footage he'd seen on Maya's home page.
"Stop," Toji sobbed, "please stop."
"Come on," Kensuke whined, "tell me the details. Your fight was the only one that I couldn't get any decent footage on, other than the one that took place in NERV headquarters, and they haven't put any of it online yet."
Far above the Earth in orbit above Tokyo III, the angel Arael floated silently as it tried to come up with a plan that would allow it to survive the wrath of the-one-that-MUST NOT-be-named.
Being an angel of destruction had seemed like such a sweet gig, you got to strut around Heaven like you owned the place and the chicks really dug the whole 'avenging angel' thing. Then HE appeared and everything changed. Instead of being sent to kick around a bunch of primitives, they were being sent to certain death.
'One sortie and you've got it made,' Arael reminded himself. 'One sortie and you never have to come back to this death trap'.
After detecting something that felt vaguely like one of the pilots, Arael sent out a cautious probe to make sure that HE was nowhere near the field of battle. Relieved that the coast seemed to be clear, the angel unleashed a devastating psychic attack.
Far below, Gendo screamed in torment. It felt as if his brain was being flayed by thousands of tiny flensing knives.
Mission mostly accomplished and wondering how many showers it would take to feel clean again after touching the mind of the 'pilot' below, Arael rocketed out of the solar system to the extraction point.
Screw it, chicks had dug him before he'd returned and as the only being that had survived a mission against HIM, it wouldn't be too difficult to see how many girls he had to go through to forget the feel of . . . best not to dwell on such things.
Mari Suzuhara was having the best week ever!
First, her annoying older brother had disappeared for a few days. Then, when Toji returned, he'd locked himself in his room to cry. Finally, to top it all off, her parents had decided that she'd been traumatized by the whole thing and agreed to a trip to the zoo.
Mari loved the zoo, especially the big cat exhibit during feeding time.
The young girl got up on her tiptoes and peered down into the enclosure. "Mommy, why is there a man in the pit with the tigers?" 'And why the hell aren't the tigers rending the idiot limb from limb like they're supposed to?'
"What man?" her mother followed the girl's pointing finger and gasped in shock at the sight. Below, a scruffy looking boy, was laying prone using a pile of bloody steaks as a pillow. "Zookeeper!"
"What is it?" one of the zoo employees asked.
"There's a boy in the pit," she blurted out. "You have to save him!"
"What?" The zookeeper's eyes bulged, before he rushed to the edge and looked into the pit. "Oh, that's just Shinji."
"Shinji?" Mari chirped. Wasn't that the name her stupid brother was always cursing?
"The tigers know not to mess with him," the zookeeper explained. Not after seeing what he did to the first time he'd decided to nap in their enclosure. "He'll wake up and leave in a few hours."
Mari's eyes were fixed on the sleeping boy. The little girl licked her lips as she felt a pull towards the boy, she'd always loved big predators. Now if she could just find a way into the pit...
On the far side of the enclosure, the trembling tigers, genetically engineered Smilodons the size of Shetland ponies, were huddled together, far from the dangerous creature napping on their lunch.
Deep below the surface of the Earth, a bevy of the most powerful men on the planet sat in a heavily secured bunker to discuss matters.
"The sixteenth angel is late," number 07 spoke up.
As it happened, the sixteenth angel wasn't going to be making an appearance since Armisael had gotten a note from his doctor stating that he couldn't go into battle, because he had a weak bladder.
It was true, just the thought of facing Shinji had that effect on most sane creatures.
"Perhaps we should send the last pilot early," number 05 offered.
"Make it so," Keel ordered, unaware that the video system had malfunctioned and revealed to the other members of the committee the fact that he was dressed in an red Starfleet jumpsuit.
'Damned Trekkies,' number 11 thought silently, caressing the hilt of his lightsaber.
Koworu listened attentively as his guide explained everything he needed to know about working for the Tokyo III branch of NERV.
"The final thing is don't do anything to annoy Shinji," the guide said firmly. "Actually, come to think of it, it's best to stay far away from Shinji until you have a chance to memorize the list of things that have annoyed him in the past."
"Who is Shinji?" Koworo asked, playing dumb.
"The third child," the guide whispered. "Destroyer of angels, hopes, and dreams. Pray to The Holy Liver that you never annoy him."
Gendo growled in annoyance as he regarded the latest setback to his plans.
What did the old men want now? It had taken him weeks to recover from what the angel had done to him and he could not afford to waste any more time, but he dared not ignore the request for a meeting and perhaps, perhaps the situation could be turned to his advantage.
'Yes,' he thought to himself. 'Just one more step in my quest to regain control.'
Shinji stumbled into work early that day, just in time to enjoy a late lunch in the NERV cafeteria.
"Do you mind if I sit with you?" a familiar looking boy asked hopefully.
"Go ahead," Shinji replied, trying to place the face.
"My name is Koworu," the boy introduced himself. "I'm the new pilot."
Shinji snapped his fingers, that's right. "Good to see you again."
To the amazement of the cafeteria staff, Shinji spent the next few minutes conversing with the new pilot. To the joy of the cleaning crew, the conversation was such that it did not look like they were going to have to mop up any blood or dispose of any corpses.
"It was a pleasure to speak with you, Shinji," Koworu said with a smile. To the boy's amazement, he'd actually enjoyed his discussion with the man who had ended so many of his fellow angels.
"Likewise," Shinji belched.
"I love you," Koworu said serenely, having discovered in himself an attraction to Shinji similar to the one felt by a young girl, who was currently hiding in a tiger pit waiting for the young man's return who the tigers, not wanting to become extinct again, were avoiding getting near.
"Look . . . uh . . ." A plan formed in Shinji's alcohol soaked brain. "Hold that thought for a bit." He checked his watch. "Meet me at the cafe across from the south entrance in an hour."
"Alright," the angel agreed, shocked that he was still alive.
For the thousandth time, Gendo cursed his unseen enemies. He, the former master of Tokyo III was being forced to sneak out of the country in the cargo hold of an aircraft. Just a few short months earlier, he'd have been in a private jet escorted by hundreds of deadly fighters. Now, now he was crouched behind a crate full of howler monkeys. To make matters worse, the idiot that had cut the air holes had made them large enough for the accursed simians to reach out with a feces filled fist which they would then throw, with great enthusiasm, at the rightful Commander of NERV. These indignities will not be forgotten, Gendo promised himself. Someone will pay for this.
The last angel was waiting when Shinji arrived with a pathetic looking wretch in tow.
"Kaworu, this is K . . . uh . . . something," Shinji waved at the geek, "he loves EVAs and anything to do with the military. He says that he's willing to do anything to learn more about EVAs. K . . . Kensucky, this is . . ."
"It's Kensu . . ."
"Shut up," Shinji said calmly.
"Yes, sir," Kensuke agreed meekly.
"As I was saying. This is Kaworu, he's a Pilot and he's also apparently attracted to other men. It seems like you two could fill each other's needs." And assorted orifices. Shinji smiled, he'd always felt bad about killing the last angel, and he did owe what's his name. Damn he was good, killing two birds with one stone. "Have fun."
Rei resisted the urge to growl in frustration as she walked up to the command console. Time to take matters into her own hands. Looked like if you wanted something done right, you had to do it yourself after all.
"What are you doing, Rei?" the bridge bunny asked, wondering at the girl's odd behavior.
"I am . . ." Rei paused, this probably wasn't the best time to use the truth. "Hoping that you could tell me about your job, since your position is vital to the defeat of the angels."
"Oh." the bridge bunny's eyes were sparkling, finally someone who didn't think she could be replaced by a partially trained chimp. "Well, the first thing you need to know about my job is . . ."
Rei ignored the ravings of the trained monkey as her mind worked to find a solution to the problem of the bridge crew. Perhaps she could get Shinji's unwitting help on this? She mused. It was his mess after all.
Kaworu was a bit confused. First the strange boy Shinji had introduced him to had taken him to a strange hotel with a heart shaped bed. The boy had then closed his eyes and dropped to his knees.
"What are you doing?" Kaworu inquired.
"Whatever I have to," the boy replied. "If this is what it takes to learn more about being a pilot, then I'm more then willing to take a shot in the mouth."
"Perhaps there's been a misunderstanding?"
Rei spent a few moments to examine the lock on her co-pilot's locker and it was with a distinct sense of satisfaction she felt as she finished her appraisal. The device Shinji had used to secure his locker was top of the line, one that she'd have never been able to bypass. It was therefore quite fortunate that he had neglected to close the hasp before locking it.
"Perhaps pilot Ikari finds it difficult to open it under the influence of massive quantities of illicit substances?" Rei mused. No matter, it was time to enact phase one of her plan.
It hadn't been easy, but Kaworu had managed to extricate himself from the situation with the military mad Otaku with his virtue intact. After that, it had only been a matter of finding the closest bar to the last place he'd seen Shinji.
"Have fun with what's his name?" Shinji asked.
"I did not," Kaworu replied. "Do you happen to know why he requested that I dress in a plugsuit or a general's uniform?"
"Bartender, another round of shots," Shinji barked feeling way too sober to deal with any of this.
"I suppose it doesn't matter," the other pilot agreed. "And while I do appreciate that you introduced us, it is you that I wish to spend time with."
"Dude, I'm not gay," Shinji said firmly.
"I don't mean that I love you in a sexual sense. My kind don't procreate that way. I mean that I love your soul as it shines forth from your body, touching everyone around you," Kaworu explained with a blissful look on his face.
"This would be a lot easier to deal with if you were female," Shinji sighed, not able to bring himself to cause pain to the first person to ever tell him that he was loved.
"Like this?" Kaworu asked, his body shifting like LCL for a moment until a silver haired girl that could pass for Rei's older sister stood in his place.
Shinji's eyebrows actually raised a bit, this was new. "A little more in the chest area... good. A little shorter... not quite that short... perfect. A little more in the curves, without affecting the breasts... excellent. Fuller lips and longer hair... perfect!"
Shinji examined the new incarnation of Kaworu thoroughly, often using his hands to check firmness. "OK, now let's go back to my place and I'll show you the physical aspect to go with the mental. We can pick up Rei on the way."
It was with mixed feelings of relief and disappointment that Kensuke left the love hotel after it became clear that the pilot was not going to return. On the plus side, his ass remained unscathed. On the minus, he hadn't gotten any juicy information about humanity's last line of defense.
"Damn it," the boy squealed. "I'd do anything to find out more about NERV." He rounded a corner and was confronted by a group of creepy old men.
"Did you say, anything?" The lead old man asked, giving the boy a once over.
Every eye turned to regard the first child as she slowly waddled onto the bridge.
"It seems that someone has switched Pilot Ikari's lysergic acid diethylamide pills with sildenafil citrate," Rei announced. "The line begins outside the Dining Facility." Rei frowned at the blank looks that appeared on the bridge crew's faces. Uncultured imbeciles, all of them.
"Ahem, an anonymous person has replaced Pilot Ikari's LSD with Viagra. As I said before, the line begins outside the . . ." she paused to think of a word that wasn't too advanced for their microscopic intellects. "The place where you daily stuff your faces with low quality deep fried substances."
She stepped out of the doorway to avoid being trampled as every female in the room rushed out to secure her place.
"I also thought it prudent to mention that Section Two has routed the feed from the security cameras into conference rooms one through twenty four." A small smile appeared on Rei's face as the male staff stampeded out.
Kensuke took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and opened his mouth.
"I'm first," he heard one of the old men call out eagerly.
"Wait!" The boy opened his eyes and closed his mouth.
"What is it?"
"You promise that you'll tell me about EVAs if I do this, right?" He asked nervously.
"You do this, and we might even make you a pilot the next time we need a disposable patsy," the creepy old man replied.
"Which one of you was first again?"
The members of SEELE exchanged wary glances. This was the first time they'd met in person in decades.
Gendo glared at the old men around the table. "Why was I called here?"
"A question all of us would like to know, chairman," number 03 spoke for the rest of them.
"But . . . it was you who called me here."
A look of profound satisfaction appeared on Rei's face as the computer reported detonation. Time to go back and see if Shinji was ready for another romp. A thought occurred, and perhaps she should decant a few of her sisters to join in. Sharing was caring after all.
AN: Thought about waiting till Groundhog's Day to put out the second half, decided against it.
Title, scenes, and a ton of polish by dogbertcarroll.
More Polish by Tengokujin. Even more polish by ZC, SlickRCBD, Innortal, Kai Korhonen, zambkptkn, SP. Line by peterwatcher2002
Omake by David Brown
Shinji Ikari was on the floor of his cell in a fetal position, breathing with no inconsiderable amount of pain after his latest torture session. The door to his cell opened, and Section 2 dragged
him to his father's office.
"You're going to explain to me how you came to know about the Human Complementation Project, or you are going to die, right here, right now."
Shinji replied, "I still can't believe my mother ever fucked you, and Ritsuko? What's with that?"
"Kill him." Gendo commanded.
...The Section 2 agents did not respond.
"Obey me. Kill him now."
...The Section 2 agents continued to stand still.
..."I said kill him! What's wrong with you?" The two stone-faced guards still failed to respond. Instead, they fell over, completely stiff, as if they were mannequins.
A new voice spoke up in the darkness of the office. "I guess you just can't get good help these days."
"Who are you? What do you want?" Gendo Ikari demanded.
"Who am I? I'm just a guy on vacation. What I want is for you and I to have a frank exchange of views about the damage you and your dead Seele friends did to my island thirteen years ago."
"Very much dead. I have no small experience in death, and I'm willing to share it when it's necessary."
Here's an idea - Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa isn't really Asian at all. She's not even a reporter. She's not even a goddess. But she is a Henchgirl...
Omake by Tom
Shinji's bleary eyes saw a blinking light on the counter and wondered what was aggravating him. Closing one eye to and trying hard to focus the other, he picked up the blinking device and saw that it was Misato's cell demanding to be recharged.
"It's damp. And it smells... interesting. Not bad, but she needs to lay off the beer."
Omake by me: Cameo
Misato walked onto the bridge and looked around with an odd expression on her face. It was quiet, too quiet.
"Where is everyone?" she whined.
"Main crew are having a party down in the old commander's office," one of the bridge crew replied.
"Who the hell are you?" Misato demanded.
"I'm Red, the reserve bridge tech."
"Yep," Red agreed, "whole place is being run by the bench."
"Oh," Misato said dumbly, "who's my stand in?"
"That would be Ed," Red replied.
"Well then where is he?"
"More importantly, shouldn't you be at a party right now?"
"Um . . ." Misato dithered, her sense of duty warred with her desire to get plastered. "I'll see you later," Misato called over her shoulder.
"Thought you'd run away did you?" a menacing voice asked. "Didn't peg you for the type," the voice admitted, "psych profile says that it wouldda been the Ikari boy . . . well, the old reports anyway."
Gendo looked up and squinted at the man through the glare. "Who are you?"
"Special Agent Ted, Section Two. There's an angel on the way and we need a pilot to meet it."
"But I'm not a pilot," Gendo protested, "I'm your commander."
Ritsuko awoke to the sirens blaring, a pounding headache and an odd taste in her mouth. Kinda reminded her of the times she and Misato used to share back in their days as roommates.
"Damn it," she groused, "the angels had to attack when we were all hung over didn't they?"
Omake: Unused Scene
"Shinji," the vice commander called out as he burst into the NERV movie theater. "Unit 03 has been taken over by an angel and . . ."
"And you're interrupting our movie time," Maya said rudely, "right Shinji?"
"Right," Shinji agreed, his unblinking gaze locked on the vintage lesbian porn splayed out on the big screen.
"Tell the angel to come back in a couple hours," Maya advised, "we're busy right now."
AN: I often write any number of scenes that get rejected for one reason or another. This is one of them.
Omake: What Happened
Shinji groaned in pain. "What happened?"
"You became one with me," Rei answered from her place in his arms. "After that you became one with the rest of the female NERV personnel, then the female students from our school, then me again, followed by the female NERVE personnel again, then our female school-mates, and finally me for a third time."
"Between our first and second encounters, I took the liberty of destroying SEELE and averting the third impact." Rei snuggled closer. "I realize that it was your job to do but you were taking too long and I don't believe I could have endured another redo without snapping and doing something unpleasant."
"Ready for round four?" the pilot asked with a lecherous grin.