Chapter 23: You are my hope
After Jacob and I said goodbye I went to find Alice. Her scent had become my second nature so it wasn't that difficult to track it. I found her sitting on a fallen tree, she had her head in her hands and her eyes were closed. She looked deep in thought and I knew that if she were able to, she would've been crying. It broke my heart to see her in this state and immediately hated myself even more for what I had inflicted. It had never been my intention to take her brother away from her and yet it had happened and it was all my fault. Alice would never admit it and the mere thought of that made me feel even worse.
Well, if she wasn't going to shout at me I hoped that the rest of the family would. It was what I deserved and they just had to show me their anger, their rage.
Alice soon caught my scent and slightly lifted her head, her eyes opened and they held so much pain, fear and love, but no anger. Just by looking at her I could tell she didn't blame me. That should've made me feel better, but it didn't. I didn't deserve her forgiveness and love, I didn't deserve a girl like Alice at all. And yet here she was, looking at me with pained eyes, loving me, forgiving me for what I'd done.
"Alice, I'm… I'm so sorry," I wanted to cry and for the first time since my awakening I hated that I was a vampire. I needed to cry, how could I express myself if I could not cry?
"I know… Bella, don't blame yourself! I love you," her lip was quivering and as she came over to me some sort of relief washed over me. She loved me.
"I love you so much, Alice. But-
"No buts, Bella. It's okay. We should get home, we need to tell them." This would be the hard part, tell the family and get disowned. They would disown me, right? How could they still manage to be around me, knowing that it was me who took away their brother, their son. He meant so much to Carlisle and Esme. He was their first son and he'd been with them for so long. No way they would understand. They had no reason to, either.
"Bella, don't worry… It'll be alright, really," Alice whispered. She grabbed my hand and kissed me softly, she brushed her nose over my pale cheeks, trying to convince me. Oh how much I wanted to believe her, but I couldn't. How could it be alright? Jacob wanted me to tell them the whole truth, and I knew that I would have to tell them everything, he wanted me to. Alice kissed me again and this time the kiss lasted a little longer, her lips lingered on mine.
"It won't, Al. It won't be alright, it's impossible. Because of me your brother is dead! How can it ever be alright?!" I was now yelling, I was so angry. Alice understood and she held me in her tiny arms, I dry-sobbed and buried my head in the crook of her neck. She caressed my hair and rubbed my back gently. Muttering sweet words to me she tried to calm me down, to comfort me. And strangely, it worked. After a few minutes I felt better, more relieved. We had to tell the family and even if they would disown me, I always had Alice, I knew that. She had made that perfectly clear.
"Come, love. We should go," she whispered as she let me go. I grabbed her hand and together we ran to the house. It was raining and the raindrops soaked my clothes, yet it wasn't cold. It was soothing, in a way. I head birds singing and I wondered how it was possible that they were so cheerful. They had no right to be, after what just happened. Yet I admired them, they were free, they could go wherever they wanted to go. They had the possibility of escaping reality, no complexity, their lives were easy. They build a nest, create some eggs, the eggs come out and they have babies. Other than that there's no complexity. I envied the birds at this moment, I envied everything and everyone that had an easy life, everyone who knew a way to escape reality. Reality was my biggest enemy at this moment, because reality made it impossible for me to run away, the reality was that Edward was dead, because of me. Before I knew it we were at the house, I swallowed hard and took a deep, unneeded, breath. Alice had her hand on my back and rubbed it softly. I kissed her once more and took the lead inside the house.
Emmett was still playing his computergames and Rosalie was reading a magazine next to him. Jasper was reading a book and there were no sounds heard other than the one that came out of Emmett's xbox. I assumed that Carlisle and Esme were upstairs, doing whatever. Alice kissed my cheek and squeezed my hand a little. I smiled at her, a pained smile, it wasn't even sincere.
"Where are Carlisle and Esme?" I asked, with a hoarse voice. Emmett and Rosalie didn't even look up. Jasper on the other hand felt the tense and looked up. He put his book down and sat up. "They're out hunting, why?"
"When will they be back?"
"They left a while ago. I suppose they'll be back in a few minutes. Bella, Alice, what happened?" I could see the worry that was all over his face. He was tense and I totally understood why. There must have been so many emotions in the room that moment. Fear, pain, sadness, love, anger. Jasper felt all of them. I felt sorry for him, he didn't deserve this.
"We'll tell you, as soon as everybody is here," Alice spoke. At her words Rosalie and Emmett looked up. Alice's voice was pained, nobody was used to this side of Alice. All they knew about was the happy, cheerful, dancing Alice. Not someone who looked as if she were on the verge of breaking down. I saw that Emmett turned off his xbox and Rosalie put away her magazine. A blue Ferrari was on the cover of it and it made me smile a little. Rosalie had a huge interest in cars, even more than her brothers, who would've thought? Emmett got over to us and hugged us both, his love for us was eminent. My feeling of guilt increased at this.
"Alice, are you alright?" Rosalie asked, worry in her tone. She'd never seen her sister like this before and she was very worried, or so I imagined. Alice nodded and wrapped her arms around me. She needed my support right now, how much I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't know how. All of us sat down and waited 10 agonizing minutes before Carlisle and Esme came home. They immediately knew something was up, Carlisle had worry all over his face and Esme looked confused. I bet she wondered what could have happened that made her children so down.
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but would someone like to explain what happened? What's with the long faces?" Carlisle asked. He sat down on the arm of the couch and turned his attention to me and Alice. Esme came to us and hugged us, being the mother she was.
"I… I have to tell you guys something. Something horrible happened, and it's all my fault!" I cried. I couldn't hold it in anymore, I felt so damn guilty.
"What is it Bella?" Carlisle asked. Alice held my hand and whispered to me that it wasn't my fault.
"Edward… He is… He is dead. I killed him," I whispered, I knew they could hear me anyway. I saw Esme gasping for air and Emmett was shaking with anger. Oh no, Emmett was angry, I didn't want him angry with me, I wouldn't survive it if he got angry.
"What do you mean you killed him?" Rosalie asked, bluntly. Alice raised her head and spoke, "she didn't, Jacob did. Because Edward tried to kill Bella and I," she was too whispering. Esme took another gasp and Emmett shook harder. Carlisle stood up and started pacing through the room. Rosalie's face remained stoic and she tried to control her husband. Jasper looked pained and a little shocked.
"He what?" Emmett boomed.
"Define he? Do you mean Edward or Jacob?" Alice asked. She didn't look scared, but I sure was.
"Edward of course. What the hell, Alice?"
"You heard me Emmett, he tried to kill us. Jacob saw us while he was on patrol and he saved Bella. He also killed Edward." Alice explained. This was wrong, I should have told them this, I should take the blame for this.
"Ugh, that stupid mutt, I wanted to be the one to-
"Emmett!" Esme interfered, she wouldn't accept him saying this, I knew it. I also knew what it was he was going to say. I broke down at that very moment, my feet couldn't handle it anymore and I collapsed. I sat down on the floor and rocked myself. Soon Esme and Alice were both with me on the floor and tried to comfort me. "Bella, are you alright? Please, it's not your fault, Bella," Esme said. It meant a lot to me but on the other hand it killed me that she didn't blame me. A few minutes later, when I had calmed down a little they helped me up and we all sat down. Alice told them the whole story and Rosalie had gotten really mad at Edward, she couldn't handle being with us anymore and she took off into the forest. Emmett followed her, he did tell me that if he could he'd bring Edward back to life and kill him again. Normally I would've laughed at this, but not this time.
Jasper was trying to comfort Alice, he knew her better than I did and so I let him work his magic. His calming waves helped us all. Carlisle wanted to know all the details but did tell me that he didn't blame me for anything.
I felt happy, even at a horrible moment like this I felt happy. This family really loved me, what did I do to deserve this? After the conversation Alice took me to our room. We lay on the bed, we didn't speak, we didn't kiss, we didn't even touch. We just lay there, enjoying each other's company. Some time later Alice grabbed my hand and started kissing it. She soon moved her lips to mine and we kissed. It was soft, it was sweet, it was heaven. Alice was heaven. This family was heaven. I had died and gone to heaven. I was completely and utterly happy, in heaven.
A/N: Okay so I'm totally not happy about the ending.. but I really didn't know any other way to end this.. I'd like to continue, but I've run out of ideas, I have some ideas but it would all be really cliché and not very much fun to read… If one of you have this great idea I could perhaps consider making either a sequel or just remove the 'the end' and continue writing.. but for now, I'm done.. :(
Thank you guys for reading, you've been amazing!