Comapanion piece for 'there are worse things to be afraid of' told from Sirius' perspective. i love writing in this style and it just seemed to make sense to write from Sirius POV rather than do a whole new story ^^
Sirius doesn't really remember meeting Remus, he remembers James; loud and brash, pure blooded and clearly brimming with talent; he was everything a Black needed in a friend. He even remembers meeting Peter, although that was more because Peter represented everything that was perfect in a scapegoat, someone to blame everything on. That and he was guaranteed to piss his parents off for being a poorly bred, half blood who was two steps away from being a squib.
But Remus, Remus seemed to slip by unnoticed, if he tries Sirius can recall seeing him around, usually with a book or homework. It wasn't until James noticed Lily noticing Remus, and then James had to notice Remus to, and when James noticed him Sirius bothered to stop and take a look. He wasn't to impressed, Remus was pretty average, bit to skinny and far to pale for it to be healthy. What Sirius did see was an opportunity for some fun. Playing tricks on Snape was getting old as he became more adept at avoiding them, they were still confined to the common room outside of lessons for the last trick they pulled anyway. James may have had some good intentions buried under his desire to impress to Lily, but Sirius, Sirius was only in it because he was bored. Thus began the torment of Remus Lupin, they knew his schedule by heart anyway and they knew he was always in the library and really it was far far to easy to track him down and play little tricks on him.
Sirius remembers those days well, he remembers looking forward to playing a new trick, remembers planning them and grinning in delight as he thought up new ways to irritate the quiet boy, he tries to forget when he became less and less interested in the pranks and more and more interested in seeing the boys reaction to them, and he positively ignores the moment when he had that first urge to see Remus smile not look around in annoyance for the hiding boys, and it never fails to make him smile softly when he remembers Remus finally reacting to their taunts. The hex was spectacular, an odd mix of transfiguring his hair and charming his skin to sprout strange boils. But Sirius didn't really care about that, no he cared about the fact it was him who got the hex, not James and not Peter, it was him that Remus noticed and him who borne the full brunt of months of annoyance and frustration. But more importantly it was Sirius who got to see the first real sparks of emotion in the boys eyes, and it was then that Sirius realised how beautiful Remus could be.
Of course Sirius is an idiot, it was a well known fact that for all his talents in spell work and cunning plans, Sirius was a complete moron most of the time. He wasn't stupid enough not to notice how his feelings towards the boy were changing, but he was stupid enough to bury them deep at the back of his mind, after all what you can't see can't hurt you. Sirius never had any particular problems being the odd one, if anything he revelled in anything that set him apart from the crowd, being gay didn't bother him, after all he reasoned, why swear off half the population based on what they've got in their pants? People were people and Sirius loved people, more than that he loved having sex with people, that was something he discovered very early on. Perhaps it was his inherent love of being the centre of attention or maybe it was simply because he enjoyed the release sex brought, figuratively and literally, there was something so perfect about that moment when the world faded away and the only two people who existed were him and his partner.
The added bonus of irritating his up tight family was just icing on the cake as far as Sirius was concerned.
No it wasn't the physical attraction that bother Sirius, that was easily dealt with, it was the odd feeling he got when he thought about Remus. Like when he was sitting curled up on the floor between James legs, Sirius just wanted to tear his best friend from the couch and get him as far away from Remus as possible, he wanted to take James's place and rest one hand gently on that thin shoulder, just to make sure Remus was OK. Or when they were out and about and he just had to sling an arm over one shoulder to feel the warmth emanating from Remus, and how it hurt when Remus shrugged him off, but how it was OK because Remus turned and smiled at him and really anything was OK as long as Remus was smiling.
Sirius does remember with perfect clarity when he first made the connection between Remus and the full moon. He spent days in the library, under the suspicious gaze of Madame Pince pouring over every book he could find, eventually collapsing exhausted until James ventured into the quiet hall to find him. One glance at the book and James made the connection instantly and Sirius waited until the dark eyes flicked back up at him and in that instant both of them knew that this changed nothing. The unwavering decision they saw in each just hammered the point home, and it was then that Sirius felt the wave of sorrow for Remus and the overwhelming desire to protect him, to hold him tightly and never let the world touch him. It was at this point Sirius finally had to realise he was in way deeper than he wanted to admit, and when he saw the fear and the resignation flood across Remus's face he had to wrap his arms around Remus, he had to hold him and tell him everything was going to be OK because it made him hurt to know Remus was hurt.
The decision the three of them made to become Animagi for him was made without a second thought, James had always been willing to do anything for Remus and Sirius was fast joining, Peter as always, did as he was told. The studying for it was hard, and completed in secret, and Sirius is doubly thankful he decided to go ahead with it, not only did he give Remus the best present ever. he learned that Remus watched him to. Sirius was not blind, he had noticed the subtle looks Remus gave him and the way his fingers lingered, but Sirius was doubtful, he knew he was attractive, well known and rich and for many people that was enough, but Remus had always been different, he never really cared about looks or status and Sirius had never had to rely on just his personality before. He knew he was brash and abrasive, rude and often thoughtless and really, when he thought about it, not a particularly nice person. So he wrote the lingering looks off and put the touches down to Remus's odd obsession with physical contact, but, sneaking out of bed and watching him sleep was strange; even for Remus.
Sirius couldn't deny he loved the feeling of being watched, he loved the way Remus would get as close as he could without actually touching, he loved the way he could feel his breath and almost sense the body kneeling next to his bed. He spent ages arranging himself in strange positions with bits of skin enticingly revealed hoping Remus would snap and just touch him, just once, to feel those long thin fingers on his skin. But Remus had the restraint of a saint, he was content with watching, and it was Sirius who snapped, who couldn't hold back any longer and found himself in Remus's bed without a second thought, kneeling over him trying to think of one good reason why he shouldn't kiss those wonderful lips. Remus waking up seemed to be a good one, and Sirius doesn't think he's ever heard his beat faster than in that moment he got caught, but it's all irrelevant because Remus doesn't seem to care, he's rubbing his eyes sleepily and looking so totally ravish-able Sirius can't hold back, while Remus is still trying to work what the hell is going on he is talking, crap he knows, but Sirius thinks its meaningful crap, he tells Remus he knows he's been watching him and he leans in hoping for his first Remus kiss. But Remus is frozen solid and looking for all the world like he wants to cry, this is not how he expected it to go, he'd expected shouting maybe a punch up or some hexes but not this horrific look of pain stretched across Remus's face. He reaches a hand up to try and stroke it away and Remus's flinches, Sirius realises with horror that Remus expects to be beaten for the way he looks at Sirius and something inside Sirius gives out and everything pours out, all his feelings hidden for god knows how long and it feels so good to let them see the daylight.
Sirius isn't sure how he ended on his back, legs bundled up near his chest, he'd never been bottom before and never ever thought of himself as submissive. But the way Remus touches him, and the way the thin body has such a heavy weight it seems so natural. He realises he wants Remus inside him, he wants to feel the painful sting and to see Remus moving above him. This new and aggressive streak is more arousing than anything he's ever experienced. He jokes later it must be the wolf in Remus showing the dog in Sirius who's boss, Remus says he'd rather not think about the wolf at all and looks embarrassed about the whole thing, and Sirius finds the way those cheeks flush red when Remus remembers how he pinned Sirius down and growled absolutely adorable.
Sirius is ashamed to admit how quickly it was all over, even though Remus doesn't seem to mind as he lays next to him panting, curled under Sirius's chin, the shy quiet boy replacing the aggressive attacker. He's never felt his pulse race that fast or his body react so violently. He works out it must have been Remus that was missing all these years, the strange sensation he always felt with others was because they weren't this. Whatever this is.
And Sirius doesn't care whatever this is, because right he's the happiest he's ever been and when Remus admits he loves him, Sirius feels his heart swell and he lets Remus know that he loves him to in the only way he knows how; with an sharp finger to the ribs and joke to ease the tension.
And when James accepts it with nothing more than raised eyebrow and a smart arse comment the final pieces click into place, and, as he threatens James with one arm for upsetting his precious Moony, he finally feels at home.
No, Sirius doesn't care what the world thinks, he doesn't care what this gets labelled as or how his family might treat him, because, after all, there are far better things in the world to care about.