How 2 B a ttly AWSUM fanfikshun riter
The One Called Demetra, in all her eternal wisdom.
Hai guys, sup? It's me again, and I'll be teaching ya'll how to be THE BEST FANFICTION AUTHOR EVER. I am clearly the most capable person to do this, SO LISTEN UP.
I will be guiding you on your quest to ultimate greatness. Follow my words and you will eventually make it to the status of internet celebrity. Your hundreds of reviewers will bow before your might, or your money back! Imagine your fulfillment and personal satisfaction when you come to realize:
Anonymous people on the internet say they like your work.
But don't get TOO excited! We still have a lot of work to do.
Look at yourself now. Teenage, average looking, a few friends. You probably spend your days going to school and pah, learning stuff. Why, I bet you spend your afternoons doing homework and spending time with your family! That won't do at all. From now on your life is devoted to fandom. It should preferably be an anime of some sort, one with lots of sparkles and effeminate guys and catgirls, but it can be anything. You live fandom, you breathe fandom, you love [INSERT GOOD LOOKING MALE CHARACTER HERE] and hate [INSERT GOOD LOOKING MALE CHARACTER'S FEMALE LOVE INTEREST HERE]. You draw MS paint fanart and constantly revisit your target of obsession. You emit fangirl squees and own a plushie of [INSERT GOOD LOOKING MALE CHARACTER HERE]. Got it? You must achieve total immersion to count yourself among the TRUE FANS. Once your friends no longer speak to you due to your endless blabber about your fandom and your family is trying to get you to go to a therapist, your alienation from the real world is complete and you can begin.
Step the first, choosing a username. We have to start somewhere, right? Usernames say a lot about the person who…well, uses them. You want it to be flashy and eye-catching, but telling at the same time. Use lots of x's, some capitalized and some not. Make it really long and gibberish-y, too, that draws they eye to it and makes people want to read your story. Include your favorite character's name or favorite pairing so people know what good taste you have. Something like xXxharryanddraco4everxXx should suffice. Or you could create something totally cute by using Japanese words and hearts! This lets people know that you are cultured and fun loving. Something like KawaiiNekoChan3 would also be good.
A username is part of your identity, but the biggest is your profile! Get to work on it immediately—don't bother yourself with any of that actual writing rubbish, you have to assert your presence in the fanfiction world with a totally awesome profile. First off, give details about your life. BUT, you can never be too careful, so make sure that when it comes to your age and location, be evasive. The good thing about that is that it's a chance to show the world how quirky and clever you are! For example, you could say that you are 'older than ten but younger than a hundred' or, if you're going for the dark and edgy approach, something curt and hostile like 'Old enough'. For stating your location, make a joke about stalkers. People will love your originality.
You want people to "know" you, so talk about your looks. You probably look pretty average, but the internet doesn't have to know that! How can THEY prove that you don't have natural waist-length silver hair with pink highlights and eyes that change between amethyst purple and burnished gold? They can't, so go ahead and put it.
Make sure to say what kind of personality you have, too. You want people to know how extreme you are, so here's some adjectives to apply to yourself to get people to know how cool and impressive you are:
-somebody who is her OWN INDIVIDUAL and DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE'S OPINIONS and has her OWN IDENTITY WHARRGLGARRBL
For added effect, say that you're bisexual. If they claim that you're just saying so for attention, they are HOMOPHOBES who can't accept people's differences and they should be TROLLED until they go away.
Next, the fun part! That's right, copy pastables. Having these lets people know that you are knowledgeable of the internet, and besides, they're fun! Put in a WHOLE LOT of them. They don't even have to really apply to you. Also do all the ones that have you put your name into a list, since this helps get word around about the new author on the site who will soon be on their way to ultimate greatness. You still have your NOT A NORMAL TEENAGER thing to keep up—you're an INDIVIDUAL, after all, not a mindless sheep like the rest of the world—so make sure the copy pastables show that, too. After all, according to them, 90% of teenagers have moved on to rap, love the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana, and have tried weed, and you're certainly not one of them!
Okay, for the final step in developing your identity is getting an avatar. You want it to be ORIGINAL, so you should draw it yourself. Don't worry if you're not a good artist, just doodle something—like [INSERT GOOD LOOKING MALE CHARACTER HERE]—in MS paint and use the fill bucket. If you have Photoshop, you can add a lens flare, too. Lens flare makes everything better. And because you want to prevent plagiarism, make sure to note on the top of your profile that the picture is yours and that they shouldn't steal it because that is ART THEFT and ART THEFT is BAD. Feel free to threaten the potential art thieves with violence from a fictional character.
The last thing you need to do to become a true fanfiction author (wait—what? You mean being an author has something to do with writing? What the hell have YOU been smoking?) is creating a muse. A muse is your writing inspiration, which implies that it's just the part of your brain that fuels creativity, but that's no fun! Your muse can be an animal or a human. If it's an animal, it has to talk, be supernatural, be interestingly colored, and have a ridiculous name. It also has to be a wolf. No exceptions. If it's a human, it's basically an imaginary friend. All the previous qualifications apply, except for the wolf thing. Well, unless you're into that sort of thing.
This muse should be referenced CONSTANTLY. Give them a detailed bio in your profile, draw another MS paint picture of them, "talk" to them in script format everywhere—reviews, author notes, seriously, everywhere. People will marvel at your creativity and want to get their own. You'll be a trendsetter!
Phew! Finally, you've cemented your status as formidable figure on teh interwebz. This is the important part. Next chapter we'll be covering about how to—THE HORROR—actually write. Huzzah!
[Holy shit, I think I just parodied myself. Yeah, I do that, apparently.
If I have to tell a single person that this is a satire and not in the slightest serious, I think I might just have to kill myself.