YES! I know! 'Why the hell start on another when you've left it two weeks since 'The Heat' update?!' I'm sorry, but an awesome idea popped into my mind and I cant hold them back like I have my other two stories. Please read and tell me if you likey it!!
NOTE: This is ALL in BELLA POINT OF VIEW!
Disclaimer (counts for each chapter from here onward): Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and the whole bloomin awesome assed Saga. Sorry to disappoint, but it's not mine.
"Bella, we're leaving.... it's not the right place for you.... my world is not for you....... exactly what was to be expected...... I don't want you.... you're not good for me.....reckless.... stupid.... as if I'd never existed... goodbye, Bella." The pain. The feel of the wind as he runs from me. Can't wait to get away.
"Bella..." The red hair. The red eyes. The blood.
"BELLA!" My eyes snapped open and I sat alert as the image of Victoria flashed under my eyelids. "Oh, Bella." I heard a low voice over a piercing scream, and quickly realising that the scream was my own, it choked off, though the terror filling me far from gone. Charlie was on his knee's by my bed, holding my hand and leaning towards me. I promised not to scream tonight. He needs his sleep.
"Bells it's okay. I'm here." He handed me a tissue like procedure -as if he were doing rounds at a hospital for the emotionally disturbed. This was just like any other morning, but it never ceased to have me waking terrified and virtually paralysed. In the first seconds of waking from my replay nightmares, my mind immediately believes that she was here for me for what Edward did, and that Charlie was about to die for my bad judgements in love. The thing is, I feel like this all of the time. I can feel her coming for me, just like I felt something changing between Edward and I before he left. I never stopped loving Edward, but I can't say the same for him.
...'as if I'd never existed'... I'd never heard such a pitiful lie -it was bordering on insanely hilarious. I was bordering on insanely hilarious. The way my heart clung to the idea of his existence in my world made me utterly laughable. Every day his face flashes in my mind -sometimes more than once. A flash of Victoria as if peeking at her moving with her vampiric grace behind a murky lens, unable to see her as a whole but just watching her as if from various angles from one enclosing and filthy window. This is another dream that I have often, completely bypassing the scene where my heart was frozen -loving the same man for the rest of my life, no-matter who or what comes my way- and heading straight to the part where Victoria searches for me, trying to get her way to my side of the glass, though some invisible force keeps her from charging and breaking it herself.
I cried for the usual amout of time that when I wasn't nearly done, I was reminded of reality as my alarm buzzed. I stopped my sobbing and looked at it, understanding why it was reminding me. There's nothing you can do about it now. All I can do is go forward - whether I want to or not, pushed and pulled. I reached over and turned it off, wiping my nose with the soiled tissue Charlie had given me. "Time for school." I said, trying to sound confident, but my groggy and broken voice alerted him otherwise.
"Bells maybe you should stay off today." and give the school more fuel to burn me with? No thanks.
"I need a routine Charlie, plus what kind of future am I going to have if I obsess day and night, letting my past decide my future?" He looked a little shocked at my words, but chose to try and hide it. I must look so fragile. Everyone thinks I'm fragile.
"Wise words. Okay, but if anything happens you have to promise me you'll come straight home." I looked into my fathers eyes sheepishly, knowing that he knew I was unstable, but not so much that he would do what needed to be done. I needed some professional help. He'd suggested it before, but my reaction was hardly sane. I screamed and shouted to the point that he would never talk about it again. I needed something to calm me down. Every day was lived in bed-wetting fear and I was royally fed up of it. I hugged him once more as he took it as his que to leave and let me get ready for school.
After my cold shower -as close to the temperature of Edwards skin as I could manage- I rifled my draws and wardrobe for something less dismal to wear. I felt very disheartened at my what I saw, as periods of my grieving shone brightly amongst the black items. In the early days I'd removed everything blue, followed by anything colourful in my deep depression days. The next stage is acceptance. Is this me beginning that stage?
I decided on a knit cardigan that I only wore when I needed some comfort and I was feeling especially conscious of everyone around me looking at my black drab. I picked the normal black shirt, but teamed with blue jeans instead of black. I no longer wanted to regard a mourning widow to a man who was still alive -in a sense- and had left me to go find some form of nice little distraction. I can only hope for him that he kept to his diet of animals, though I wouldn't have cared if he were to return and end my pathetic excuse of a life now.
As I walked down the stairs and appeared in the kitchen to say goodbye, Charlies eyes bugged and he almost choked on his toast. "Bella... you're looking a little... better." He said it like a question, causing a small smile to play at my lips. He noticed how close I was tom smiling and grinned widely at how close I had come.
"Thanks Dad." If there is anyone left in the world to make me smile, it was my father. He was the only person in my life that hadn't abandoned me. He wished me a good day -something impossible, even if magic was real- as I walked out to my truck, skipping breakfast again. I can't remember the last time I ate breakfast. Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I ate. I remember Charlie coming home from work and catching me putting my plates of uneaten food in the sink, my stomach unable to take anything but pain. I shook my head as I took a detour from the school. I've been starving myself. How stupid. I pulled into a gas station and grabbed a nutrigrain bar, scoffing it the second it was paid for. My stomach didn't want it, but I did. If I could win the fight with myself to not breakdown and be official mental hospital material, then I could force my stomach to comply with me.
Once I reached school with an audible clank and bang of my smoky exhaust pipe, I took a deep breath and had a talk with myself. "New day. New start. Okay Bella -" I stopped. The name felt too casual. I didn't want to be casual. I wanted a fresh start, without my nickname for reminders. "- Isabella." I tried out my real name to realise that it was my real name. Bella is my shadow. I am not clumsy Bella. I am Isabella - determined to find a purpose in this world. I need to find a purpose.
I got out of my truck and walked directly to the home office, opening the door and spotting the fliers I had come in here to see. 'What can I do with my life after highschool?' I picked up the appropriately named flier, a small smile threatening to appear again. It felt so foreign to smile, that when i felt the impulse - a rare occurrence- I'd hold it down like I had done so with every day during my depression.
For the first time in months I understood the language others were speaking. I understood the subjects -in part at least- of every class I had. Once fourth period had ended and the bell for lunch rang, I felt my stomach rumble in submission. My hand drifted to the foreign feeling of hunger, and I wondered at the subtle changes already beginning in my life. Today would bring something for me. Today I would get myself a plan. Joining the cafeteria line, I heard Laurens sneering voice a few people ahead.
"That ugly duckling needs a bath. Have you noticed how filthy she looks? I mean, when hot stuff made his break for freedom, did he take her makeup kit too?" This earned a giggle from the other girl -Jessica IU discovered as I peered my head around the boy in-front of me to see her face creased with amusement. I continued to listen, wanting to catch up on some things and talk about them at the lunch table like I knew anything.
"Did you notice how greasy her hair is? I mean, keeping her natural hair colour is just UGH-" she stuck her finger in her mouth in a gaggin motion, causing Jessica to giggle once again. "- but the least she could do is go do herself over or something. I mean, its been what? Seven months? Get over it already, or just get lost hanging with us like you're our friend. You know?" It felt wrong listening to this. What had that poor girl done to deserve being slagged off so badly by the queen bitches?
"Yeah. Bella's become a right Emo." My face paled as I heard my name, then instead of becoming hurt and embarrassed, I became angry. I let out my anger for having to hear this. I let out my anger not ever being good enough for anything. I let out my anger for having to see little whores like Jessica and Lauren everyday and genuinely believe that they are concerned about my welfare. Now I know all their fake concern was for gossip.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" I growled at them, and Jessica turned, looking at me in shock and a little fear, already trying to apologise when Lauren told her to shut up blabbering, turning her attentions to me.
"There's nothing wrong with us sweety." She cooed like she was talking to a stupid and petulant child, fueling the anger in me I was fighting so hard to contain. "No, there is nothing wrong with Jessica and I. You see, we can get dates. We look like girls. We can keep our men if we wanted to, unlike you. Have you even looked at yourself lately? You're hideous. You're pale, your hair makes me gag on first sight and you reek of obsessive freak. He was smart running from you, but one thing that wasn't smart is leaving school." She turned to Jessica. "I could have showed him what he was missing with you." As she said the last word she turned and gave me accusatory eyes, clearly please with herself. My hands were balled into tight fists that I felt close to drawing blood. The last thing I needed was to pass out after being dissed like that.
"What's this?!" She said with a raised voice as she stole my crushed flyer I wasn't aware was still in my hands, grabbing the attention of the few poeple left who weren't already listening, no doubt eager for my reaction. I shot Jessica a glare as she looked at me apologetically. She thinks I'm fragile too. Everyone thinks I'm so fucking fragile! I was about to snap. "'What can I do with life after high-school?'" She read to the cafeteria, milking this for as much attention that she could gain without taking her top off. "You can give me Edwards number for starters." She giggled as a few spectators chuckled, finding the show amusing. I looked at all of their faces, taking in just how inhuman they all were. They were malicious, pathetic and fake -not one ounce of genuine in the room apart from Angela -and even she had switched to contacts in aid to not look dorky to the other animals around her.
"HOW DARE YOU!!" I screamed like a banshee, utterly livid, directed at everyone. I had never wished to be a vampire so much in my life. I would go through all of that pain to put superficial bitches like lauren and every foundation caked beauty who tries too hard for sexual attention. I would do anything to remove such distractions. Then it all clicked for me. 'My kind are easily distracted.'
This is what he meant as a distraction? An image of Jessica or Lauren on Edwards arm made me lunge for the closest person. Thank god it was Lauren who was closest. I pinned her to the table with a strength I never knew I had as everyone gasped and froze at my reaction. I held her by the throat as she tried to gurgle for help and her eyes screamed in fear. She'd never faced James for Edward. She'd never known his love and had it ripped away. She never would. My face inches from her own, but close enough to see the fear in her eyes, I spoke some truth to her.
"He'd never want a superficial bitch. He'd never touch you. You're tainted. There's nothing natural about you. This hair?-" I pulled at her hair as she wailed, grabbing for my tightening hand at her throat and the hand gripped onto her brittle but shiny hair from her obvious overuse of hair spray. "-this is fake. 100% platinum fakery." I pulled with all of my might, finding courage and strength and a malicious side to me that I had never known before. She screamed as I almost sensed that something was about to happen. Blood squirted onto the tiles of the floor as I tugged her hair free from her scalp. I spat around me as a light splatter showered my face and torso lightly. I didn't cringe at the blood, but instead I stared at the specks decorating the cafeteria table as arms restrained my from behind. I continued to stare at the blood that if I were a vampire, I would take from her like a snack, ending her superficial life for a natural need. As I continued with my feral sounds everything went black as a hard force collided with my head.
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