Chapter 5 Pain only hurts
Longing, pain, loss, numbness. Twisting of the heart, needles stabbing where it hurts the most. All I wanted to do was to disappear and reappear to wherever she is. She is his life. Tamaki's life, because without her he has no life, he is not himself without her. Haruhi is my all and now my life will never be complete because she is gone. How could she be gone, he was just talking to her last night.
Love is truly misleading. While it made you feel like the happiest man on earth, you paid the price by being tormented by worry, jealousy and pain. That would be fine and anyone would gladly endure that if they had the one they loved beside them or knew they were happy, but that's not his case. Haruhi's dead, in heaven and that's where I want to go too. Just seeing her in my arms like this, steadily growing colder; my tears won't stop flowing; they are just spilling over onto my precious. I want to die right here with her in my arms so that I could be with her. But I know they won't let me, I still need to live; if not for me, but for them.
Long, ever so long. Who would've thought that the Kyouya Ootori would think that these times would be so long? The Kyouya Ootori who is supposed to be the most cold hearted in the world felt as if his heart stopped. Friends gone; one friend gone forever. How was life so cruel? It not only stopped one life but ruined several. Every person in that hospital room had their life ripped apart at that time. Even if some of them could have survived a little after the death of the most precious girl in their lives, which they couldn't, just seeing how Tamaki became would bring down anyone.
If it were possible the world should end right now. No one as optimistically happy and whole heartedly good should be so utterly broken. The only thing that could fix him was gone forever. Kyouya never felt so helpless, as he watched his best friend drown in sorrows no matter what he does. In the past months he watched as Tamaki finished the Suou special training and watched as Tamaki slowly took on the administrations of each of the Suou holdings. Kyouya observed as his best friend gained little triumphs in the business world and stood behind him as he accepted to succeed the Suou Empire. His heart broke countless times when Tamaki's couldn't, every time his best friend had a date with a possible candidate for the Suou heads wife. Being able to do all that should signal a little recovery with all those happy accomplishments but if anyone looked at Tamaki they would know nothing was alright.
That sunny smile that had adorned his face, that first drew Kyouya to him, was forever missing; replaced instead by a permanent frown and blank stares that gave his face an emotionless mask that could rival Kyouya's own. Kyouya noticed how Tamaki buried himself in his work to forget what happened to no avail. Kyouya didn't know what was worse, the fact that Tamaki was busying himself with work to the point of exhaustion or the fact that it still didn't help him cope. Kyouya didn't know that someone could feel as helpless as he was feeling now, just being able to watch Tamaki sink deeper and deeper into depression. He felt mad that that idiot would never let anyone truly in, that that blonde kept everything on his own shoulders. What was the point of the host club? They were supposed to be a family that helped each other out. All this started because that blonde idiot wanted to help people, but now he won't even let his family help him? He's gone too far, this is ridiculous! Everyone's sad that Haruhi is gone, who wouldn't be? She was the host clubs secret princess and the only girl that touched the heart of the seven beautiful boys who became truly beautiful inside and out because of her. He himself even cried some tears for her. It's not like anyone is doing any better then Tamaki is; they all loved her in their own way and the loss is equally heavy for each of them. In all seven boys and one grown man there are parts that are missing, torn straight from the heart and fried to a crisp on an open flame; never whole again.
Looking at the rest, it was definitely clear that no one was able to cope with her death; even after several months passing it's still no use. Just seeing Huni-sempai is enough to tell the whole story. He used to be the sunniest of the entire group rivalling even Tamaki; he was by far the easiest to mollify, never holding on to uncute emotions for long. The Mitskuni everyone knows now is something completely far from what he was. He was able to succeed in any endeavour with ease, as well as handle any situation that arose, but no longer does he use the same diplomacy he once used. Of course he still smiled but the warmth, and happiness has long ago been over shadowed by the loss of a sister. Anyone who meets our loli-shota member now would describe him as a serious, near terrifying business man. If that change weren't enough it went beyond him and doubly hit his cousin Morinozuka. Not only did the sempai lose a younger sister but also his most cherished cousin. Mori, over the months, has become noticeably clumsier and spaced out. He always had a habit of taking everything on his shoulders and now not only does he feel he let Haruhi die, he hates himself for not being able to cheer up Mitskuni. Though he's still the capable person he once was he doesn't complete the task with the same ease and often slips into deep though. Kyouya knew deep down that those two could never heal and would never repair the damage that was left profoundly in their hearts and for that Kyouya was sorry.
There were two other people that the bespectacled man was even sorrier for and they were the men who had lost their only real connection to the world. They are the two men who are like boys, the ones who are unable to open their continuous circle of us and them. Kyouya knew that without Haruhi they would never have the connection to complete them. Those twins are forever locked within themselves and for that Kyouya's heart goes out to the twins, especially Kaoru who would have to put up with his other half, Hikaru. They were, of course still brilliant in their field of fashion but there were again noticeable differences in them. Their demeanour and handling customers had drastically changed; no longer was the carefree boyish act in place, now everything was brisk and concise for they wanted to get back and work away their sorrows as well. Even their work has changed since that time; if one compared their designs from before and after the death they would notice a big difference. Everything they designed was for Haruhi but now they lost their spark that radiated from every piece when she wore them. Kyouya had to admit Haruhi looked amazing when she wore those designs. But each outfit they made never even resembled the clothes that were designed specifically for the girl that held their lives together, they would never again have that special something in the designs that turned every girl beautiful and radiant because it carried a piece of the designers hearts. Most people wouldn't really notice a difference in them, other than their design changes, since they were always socially separated from everyone else. But now they are alone as it seems they are destined to be.
Kyouya sighed. Ever soo long. And just reflecting on the problems at hand makes it even longer. If only there was anything that he could do to pass the time. Even work is not a distraction. In fact work was downright annoying! The numbers and facts just weren't adding up! How did his doctors earn more money then he gave them without the hospital mysteriously losing money. Something was fishy; guess work will be interesting after all. The problem would be how to go about it. After all it had something to do with his employees so he couldn't use them to get the information. So it was finally Kyouya's turn to have a way to release some stress and go on a hunt for the answers he needs. But still Haruhi weighed just as heavily on his mind as he knew the death preyed on the others, because she was a special girl that was able to catch the hearts of the six wealthy handsome men.
Months have passed. Days turn to weeks and time is just a blur. Nothing has meaning anymore, nothing calls to her. Why can't anything seem to reach her? Haruhi thought maybe it's because my heart's now cold. She's lost everything; familiarity, family, job, and truth. Her truth, she lost all she could believe in and now Haruhi is broken, so broken she has been bedridden. She hasn't been out of the room since she had gotten here- wherever here is exactly.
She missed her friends. She missed all their smiles, laughter, and their carefree attitudes. She missed Tamaki. At that thought the familiar sensation of hot tears began trickling down her face. Tamaki, where are you? What are you doing right now? Haruhi truly started to breakdown, sobbing, at the thought of her beloved; she had never even gotten to confess! After he confessed she was finally going to tell him but... it happened. Everything was keeping them apart. If only she had tried to speak up sooner maybe they would have had more time- maybe. Maybe for once in her life she would've been able to call him her own, maybe she would've been able to hold him, run her fingers through his hair. Maybe she would have been able to kiss him, to know what he tastes like. Maybe. But that maybe didn't apply and never would since the chance has gone by. That's another thing she missed. Though not in the same way she missed the rest.
Haruhi wondered what they were all doing now that it had been a couple of months since she left their lives. Do they miss her like she misses them? Do they still remember her? After all they were all very busy people and they all thought she died. That was closure, right? Though still it would be nice if people still thought of her and remember who she was even if it was only a couple of people. Was that selfish? To want the ones you love to not be able to get over you, to always remember you? If it was then this is the one time Haruhi wanted to be selfish.
Tamaki set down his pen after finishing the last flourish on the sheet. Staring into nothingness while letting the last tears roll down his cheeks; finally trying to let go of what's already gone. Sitting in his study late at night with nothing else to do he read his letter once more.
Dear my beloved racoon,
I've always wanted to have a romance and I've always hoped I would meet the right person. Everyone has their own personal views on relationships and what they are looking for. I thought I knew what I would find. I thought I would find the perfect wife the one who cooks heart shaped lunches for me and always has a smile and a laugh. Someone who was a fantasy all in herself and who fit with me. But I was all wrong. That was the me who was trying to be something I'm not. I realized I wanted someone who gave me a challenge in this life of luxury and waste- someone who refused me, who I would want to spend my time on because they spurned my advances. I wanted someone who noticed details about me, every insignificant thing that people often overlooked because of my flamboyant (yes I admit it) personality, and quite easily I might add. More than just that! I wanted a relationship I would be proud of not one my grandmother would approve of, one where there is equality and trust and where we each give each other the strength we needed. To be able to just feel the love and trust with a simple hug, and to be able to have a sense of safety with them just in my arms when we cuddle. But most of all I wanted someone who could spark something in me! Anything! I wanted to feel emotions, I just wanted to feel. For a long time now I've fallen behind a mask, I've been trapped behind the mask, letting the mask become who I was and letting it define me. I've been drained of all emotion.
That was until I met you. You were everything I could have wanted and everything I hoped you to be. In fact you were more. You always went that step farther to make me feel appreciated with those dazzling smiles and the insight that shone from your brilliant eyes. You were my fire, the spark that kept growing. Everything about you was radiant, you made me alive again. As the moon depends on the sun to keep it lit I depend on you to keep me warm. I'm crying each night without you because everything is dark now that you're gone. But I feel that this cannot go on much longer; you wouldn't have wanted it this way and I'll always try to follow in your footsteps. Even as I write these words to you I cannot believe I'm saying them but I... I'll try to move on and find another or at the very least not feel sorry for myself and get myself out there. Just remember that while I'm finding a new sun and a new reason to live it doesn't mean that I've forgotten you for your light will always burn in my heart and soul forever.
Good bye for now, Good bye forever,
As he made it to the end of the page everything lifted a little. The words weren't perfect and didn't get across quite what he wanted to say but he was sure she would be able to understand it anyway, and would take comfort in the fact that he was moving on and that his life would end soon if he didn't try at least. He needed to get some weight off his shoulders and knew that she wouldn't want him to wallow in grief when there were others that needed his help, especially when he could still fight another day.
The final tear escaped his eye as he locked away the letter that would never be sent and with it the biggest chunk of his heart that could only ever belong to one individual that changed his life amazingly. His Haruhi.