The Heavenly Turnip may have created the universe, but it did not create Ranma 1/2 or Aladdin. The Heavenly Turnip knows of its tenuous legal situation, and it has no fear. The Heavenly Turnip will not receive any monetary reward for publishing this story. The Heavenly Turnip would love to hear reviews from the faithful, and will smite those who dare to flame it. Praise Charles Townshend!
Ranma Saotome stared at the rusty bronze lamp. She was very disappointed. She had searched the mountains, trying to find this cave for a week, and having found it, spent hours digging through the debris to find the "Legendary Cave of the Thousand Scrolls". She felt tired. While digging she had ruptured an aquifer. HE had become a SHE. She was just to used to that sort of thing by now to have been chagrined. Her dismayed expression became a grimace while her stomach roared in agony. Oh MAN, was she STARVING! And there are no scrolls, just this stupid rusty lamp. She knitted her eyebrows together and pouted. If she was told how cute that made her look, she would get mad… very mad.
She "Harrumphed" and took a moment to sulk in the surroundings. As she sat, sulking, she noted the huge cavernous chamber, lined with scintillating blue stone that provided some light to what would be otherwise dark space. Magnificent pillars of stone extended to the vaulting ceiling. Some of them hung from the ceiling and ended in dangerous looking points. Clear pools of still water were scattered about the floor, forming terraces of blue crystal. The view was breathtaking, if Ranma was the of mind to notice. She wasn't, by the way.
"There ain't no scrolls. This dumb lamp is the only thing here, so it's just gotta be important. I hope I didn't leave Nerima for nothin'…"
With that idea in mind, Ranma inspected the lamp more closely. Her big blue eyes narrowed in concentration as she spun the lamp around in her delicate fingers. It was really rusty, and full of dents. She was just about to dismiss it as junk and toss it away when she noticed an inscription just below the lid. It looked like the Arabic script she had once seen on some martial arts scrolls. She knew how to read some of it, but it was impossible to make out. She didn't expect to accomplish much, but the only thing she could think of was to rub the dirt off with her sleeve. She began to rub it vigorously, but then stopped. That lamp feels awfully hot.
"OUCH!" she yelped.
Ranma started to back away from were she dropped the lamp as it began to quake and fluctuate in size. It looked like it was having an epileptic attack, and the clanging noise was terrible. Then The BLUE THING came out. It screamed, and it stretched, until this giant blue bubble-man thing filled the massive cavern.
"TEN THOUSAND YEARS… Can give you such a crick in the NECK!"
The blue man then proceeded to pull his head off his neck and spun it around before screwing it back on. Ranma was beyond words at this point. She just stood there, stiff as a board, in shock. The thing conjured a microphone in his hand and announced with enthusiasm.
"Nice to be back ladies and gentlemen!" He sticks the microphone in her face "Hi, where ya from? What's your name?"
"Ran…uh…Ranma" (She was just beginning to recover. This is weird, even for her.)
"RANMA-SAMA! Wild horse, nice name. It's good to have you on the show."
He transformed into a bucking horse to illustrate his point. Ranma whispered "This shit just keeps on happenin" under her breath.
"Hey your A LOT smaller than my last master… OR maybe I'm getting bigger? Look at me from the side. Do I look bigger to you?" He jiggled his flabby belly in his hands to make it easier for Ranma to judge. It looked so gross.
"Master? I'm Your MASTER!?"
"YES! SHE CAN BE TAUGHT"
Ranma discovered that she was now wearing a sailor-suit schoolgirl outfit with a graduating cap. She was starting to get really pissed.
"Wait a sec! I'm not a Gir…" her clothes changed back, "Never mind…"
The blue thing ignored her as he continued his bizarre rant.
"What would you wish of me? (He transformed into a voluptuous, but still bearded, blue woman with a sultry voice) Be ever glamorous? (He appeared inside a box, struggling to escape) Be long contained? The often imitated! (He began to clone himself) But never duplicated! (All of the little blue things grew into a giant blue one) THE GENIE OF THE LAMP! (He turns into Ed Sullivan) Right here direct from the lamp. Right here for your enjoyment and wish fulfillment. Thank yooooooou!"
Ranma was starting to get really worried. "Wishes… Look, I've already had too many wishes. I'll just put you back in your lamp, and we'll just forget this ain't never happened…"
Catchy music was beginning to play as the genie expanded. "Master, I don't think you quite realize what you got here! So why don't you ruminate, whilst I illuminate the possibilities?"
….Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves
Scheherazade had a thousand tales
But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeve
You got a brand of magic never fails!
The "Genie" produces 40 men armed with cutlasses who surround Ranma. As they closed in Ranma readied herself for battle. Then Genie popped out her shirt and proceeded to pummel the men. Indignant at her clothes being invaded and at being protected by someone else, she muttered, "I could have taken them…" Genie didn't seem to notice. He was very focused on his vocal performance.
You got some power in your corner now
Some heavy ammunition in your camp
You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how
See all you gotta do is rub that lamp
And I'll say
A boxing ring appeared, and before Ranma could respond, it rapidly vanished. The Genie transformed into fireworks. He EXPLODED! Ranma braced herself for impact but none came. Then Genie Appeared in front of her (she shrieked girlishly), took her hand, and forcibly rubbed it against the lamp.
What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, jot it down
You ain't never had a friend like me
No no no!
Genie poofed into an immaculate tuxedo, looking like a high-class waiter. He summoned a table and two antique chars. One of them appeared right below Ranma and she collapsed onto it. He took her order, but she hadn't said anything yet.
Life is your restaurant
And I'm your maitre' d!
C'mon whisper what it is you want
You ain't never had a friend like me.
Genie appeared as a plate of chicken on the table. Ranma's stomach purred menacingly. She eyed him and licked her lips. The Genie, worried for his own safety, quickly vanished.
Yes ma'am, we pride ourselves on service
You're the boss, the Queen, the Shabanu!
Say what you wish, it's yours! True …
Genie split up into clones. The Genies then proceeded to brush out her hair and give her a manicure. Then Ranma appeared on a comfy throne. Scantily clad men were fanning her. She noticed their broad shoulders and handsome faces, and she… WAS HORRIFIED. Banishing those thoughts, she screamed, "STOP!"
The needle was pulled from the record and the music screeched to a halt. All the Genies and their creations vanished, leaving behind one bashful blue man, twiddling his thumbs in embarrassment. What did he do wrong? Ranma decided that the Genie looked sorry enough and her anger drained away
"Look… Genie… I told ya already that wishes don't go good for me. I just want to know that I didn't come to this cave for nothin'. How do I know that wishes won't go bad?"
Genies face brightened. He was exited that his new master might take his offer. With his inexhaustible enthusiasm he began…
"We'll there are some provisos… some quid pro quos. You only get three wishes. That's it THREE! And I can't make any body fall in love with anybody else, just a little pointer there… (Genie transforms into a zombie, with a very repulsive voice) and I can't raise people from the dead. IT'S NOT A PRETTY PICTURE! I DON'T LIKE DOING IT! (Genie's head rolls off) Oh, and I won't kill anybody, so don't ask…"
"So… there ain't no catch…"
"Nope. I can reinterpret your wishes, but I won't do that. (Genie transforms into Stalin) Just don't wish for anything that he would wish for.
Despite having no clue who Stalin was, Ranma understood his sentiment. Just don't wish for the evil stuff. It was too good to be true, but Genie seemed genuinely kind. She trusted him. She could wish for almost anything! She would never be cursed ever again! But would that actually make her life any better? Would the folks back home treat her any differently? Even if she wasn't some transgendered perverted freak anymore? She had her doubts.
"Genie, what would you wish for?"
Genie was shocked
"Nobody's ever asked me that before..."
"Freedom" (almost a whisper)
"You're a prisoner or something?"
"It's part of the job (He transformed into a gargantuan red genie as the cavern walls changed into the night sky) PHENOMINAL COSMIC POWERS! (He seemed to deflate and sink into the lamp.) itty bitty living space… Its always 'make me rich' 'make me king' and then I wait for that same thing another some millennia. (Transforms into a coal miner) And the union sucks!"
"so… you… wanna be free?"
Ranma's mind was in turmoil. She had the opportunity to solve all her problems, but any wish she made would be taking advantage of this being who was clearly suffering. She could leave her final wish for the Genie, but even that caused a pang of guilt. That's it. She knew her first wish. Her only wish.
"Genie, I wish you were free"
"Okay, One wish coming u…"
Genie had just realized what was going on. He never felt more wonderful or grateful in his entire eternal life. He drifted of the cavern floor as a warm golden glow overwhelmed him. His outline was barely visible. Then the bands around his limbs gave way and split apart.
He felt… free
This was WONDERFUL. He hollered with joy and was about to proclaim his thanks to the world. Then he saw her. She was curled up in a ball, guarding her tears. He was a beneficent spirit. He had to comfort his savior.
He pulled her towards him with long elastic limbs "Come'ere. Tell me what wrong."
She stiffened but ultimately collapsed against him, finding him surprisingly solid. Her emotional hurricane calmed. It was just category four now.
"I… It…it's nothin'"
(Genie had already transformed into Sigmund Freud by this point) "Really…"
Noting his disbelief, she tried to dodge. "It's just… I don't want you feelin' bad or nothin'"
"Ranma, you had things you really needed to wish for, and you used them all up on me. Right?"
"You could have used the first two wishes."
"But that would be makin' ya do stuff you don't wanna. I don't want to take advantage, or nothin. I didn't want that to happen no more. You do what you want to now… Why are ya still here?"
Returning to his original form, "I think you could use a friend."
Ranma looked up at him, her eyes glistened with tears that she refused to shed.
"Thanks… I don't got enough of those."
Seemingly coming to her senses, Ranma pushed herself away from Genie and brushed herself off. Acting like the mushy stuff never happened, she started using breaking point to open an exit to the surface. She turned and looked in askance at Genie
Genie had a wide smile. "Yup"
Ranma grinned so wide that it crinkled her blue eyes. She turned back to her work and another explosion rocked the cavern.
"How are you doing that, I have never seen a human do that before. I seen moles do that" He became a mole in a hard hat to illustrate his point.
Ranma laughed heartily at Genie's strange brand of humor. She replied with pride seeping into her voice. "I am the heir to the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts... Kiyah!" More rubble fell to the floor.
Genie transformed into a huge blue stream drill, and plowed to the surface in seconds. Ranma followed the trail of destruction out of the cave grumpily.
"I coulda done that…"
Genie transformed into a buck-toothed little kid. He waddled up to her and looked up with a cute expression. Snot was starting to leak from his nose.
"I helped you, that's what friends are for!"
Ranma was mollified by that answer. She really needed a friend. A smile found its way to her face despite herself. Then her smile faded away. She noted with annoyance that she was still a she. She walked over to her pack. She had left it leaning against the mountainside by the cave. She drew out a canteen.
"Now I need ta boil some water."
Genie Transformed into a boiling kettle with a matching tea set and poured hot water out of himself.
"Don't forget to tip your silverware!"
Grinning, Ranma dumped the steaming cup on her head.
The petite busty redhead was replaced with a solidly built young man. It was still clearly Ranma. His two bodies looked more alike than any bother and sister.
"Oh… that explains a lot"
Then Ranma's stomach roared.
"I've never turned into a barbecue before. You like buffalo wings?"
The Genie duplicate was already grilling wings on the blue barbecue before Ranma could formulate a coherent response.
"Um… uh… you don't think I'm a freak or anything? You don't need me to..."
"To explain? I know about Jusenkyo already. So, freaky kid, do you like your wings spicy?"
Ranma was so relieved that his new friend understood him that he didn't have the courage to ask for his wings to be mild. But he smiled to himself.
Looks like he hadn't left Nerima for nothing.
If there is demand, then I promise this story isn't over. Thats all