Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars: The Clone Wars nor any characters, places, things, or ideas therein. Those belong to Lucasfilm Ltd. I am writing this fic for entertainment purposes only, not monetary gain.
Summary: Obi-Wan had never thought there was more to the Force than the Light side and the Dark side. And he'd accused his Padawan of being emotionally attached… Slight 2x12 and 2x13 spoilers.
Pairing: Obi-Wan/Satine UST
Spoilers: The Mandalore Plot; Voyage of Temptation (2x12 and 2x13)
Author's Note: While I love the character of Obi-Wan just as he is, and was in the movies, I like the idea of him having struggled somewhat with interest in a woman, and most particularly the character of Satine. Her spitfire personality, I think, creates very interesting byplays for her and Obi-Wan. Thanks for checking my fic out, and I hope you enjoy it!
I had always looked to the Force for answers. The Force was the order in chaos, the peace in a war zone, the beauty in disaster. But despite how desperately I searched now, I had a feeling the Force would not provide me with an answer to this question.
What do I do now?
Attachment was forbidden for the Jedi. That was why we left our families at infancy, and spent our lives among the Order. We were always careful, watchful, mindful. Some of us -- and I had to include myself in that group -- toed the line with friendship, but the Order had never particularly frowned upon that sort of attachment. It was the romantic entanglements that were strictly forbidden with no uncertain terms.
My Master had taught me well, and I fell into a common trap some Jedi often struggled with -- feeling like we were invincible. Like our walls were so strong nothing could penetrate them, let alone tear them down.
The first time Duchess Satine Kryze exploded into my life, my formerly sturdy walls were greatly shaken. No matter how hard I tried, how many times I stretched out to the Force for strength, I couldn't keep her out. I couldn't keep my feelings out.
When I left her, along with my feelings (or so I thought), behind on Kalevala, I comforted myself with the thought that I would never see her again. We were safe now, because if we never saw each other, our memories and feelings would fade into nothingness. There would be no more reason to be careful, to always be on guard for unexpected feelings or memories to crop up.
It wasn't until I came face-to-face with Satine once more that I realized that the sense of accomplishment and security I'd felt the past long years had been false. Untrue. I was more in danger than ever for falling for Satine once more, if I ever had fallen out of love for her.
And I had accused Anakin of emotional attachment…
Everything about her drew me in. Her clear grey-blue eyes; the delicate curves and lines of her face; the way her headdress perfectly framed her hair; even her smell, the scents of all the most exotic flowers in the known universe, once more grabbed me with their combined power.
Satine was a peaceful woman, but she had an ability to stir my thoughts and feelings into a war. I had duties to the Jedi Order, the Republic. But everything inside me was screaming in denial, trying to tell me that my loyalties and duties, in actuality, lay with Satine.
With age come wisdom. Master Yoda was the prime example of that saying. I was much older than I had the first time I had met Satine, as a rash young Padawan, but the moment I met her eyes I was young and foolish again.
I would have left the Order for her. Perhaps it was the first time I had allowed the thought to form in my mind, as her hand slid into mine as I helped her descend the steps from her throne. But the unspoken truth of it had been lurking in the back of my mind for a very, very long time.
Though we spoke relatively little, at least of personal matters, I found our old ease around each other only slightly marred by the years. The first few moments were stiff and tense, but then without thinking we were back to witty conversations and comfortable silences.
The Force had two sides -- the Light, and the Dark. I had thought that was all, that there could be no other ruling power in the universe. But I was wrong, so fatally wrong. There was deep attraction, easy friendship -- forbidden love.
In the end I would pick the Order. It was the one rationality in my mind, so vastly muddied by Satine's presence. Though we were both on the same broad path, the path to peace in the Republic, she wanted to stay out of the war -- and I was so deeply embroiled in it I couldn't find the way out. Though unbridled violence was not the Jedi way, we still used it to keep order, to keep the peace. Satine could not even see the use for that in the broader picture.
Perhaps I couldn't blame her. Perhaps we had, in all our years of humble devotion and servitude, lost sight of the grander scheme. But just as Satine was devoted to a resolution to war that saw no bloodshed, I was devoted to a resolution to the war that involved as little bloodshed as possible, but still, inevitably, had some.
Words were powerful, but sometimes they weren't powerful enough.
I wanted so badly to give in to my feelings, to be a normal human with normal human wants, and loves, and devotions. I wanted to give everything I had to Satine, to love her and protect her and be the person she so desperately seemed to want me to be. But I couldn't, not even for her. If the Republic fell, so would the delicate balance of the world as we knew it. If I gave up my duty to the Force, to the Jedi, and to the Republic, it was entirely possible that Satine and I would lose our love anyway.
With the feel of Satine's fingertips lingering on my face, and Anakin's knowing laughter echoing in my ears, I knew I had done the right thing. It was as I had told my Padawan so many times:
Sometimes everything we wanted and loved had to be sacrificed for the greater good. A Jedi's life was devoted to keeping everyone safe, not every one we loved safe. We had to see the greater picture, put aside anything that was a distraction, that jeopardized our way of life.
Even if it was one of the most painful decisions we -- I -- would ever make.
Thank you so much for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed it!