Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING BUT MY SOCKS!!! Actually, I think those are my friend's…

Anyways, hope you enjoy this. It has Pirates of the Caribbean 1–3, Lord of the Rings 1–3, Star Wars 1–6, then later Van Helsing and Maximum Ride characters. I think X-Men will come on, but I'm seriously not sure. Oh well, tis life.

PotC belongs to JB and Disney

SW belongs to Georgie L. (na, really?)

LotR belongs to (well, technically) J. R. R. Tolkien, and PJ

MR belongs to JP (or PJ, if u flip it)

VH belongs to someone-I-do-not-know-but-not-me-so-there

Again, enjoy!


Scene 1: "I Can't Breathe!"

Takes place in a studio. Girl with short, bouncy, blonde hair is sitting in the middle of a large group of chairs. She is wearing jeans with a large, torn hole in the right knee (of the jeans) and a navy blue T-shirt.

PORTER: Hello, and welcome to Casual Night Live! My name is Kitty Porter, and tonight, you're going to get to meet some very important people, including: Captain Jack Sparrow, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Luke Skywalker and Charles Xavier. Of course, those aren't the only people, in fact, I'll be interviewing some other…um…creatures as well, such as Yoda, Chewbacca, R2D2, C3PO, an Elf Prince, an Elf Princess, a dwarf, Gimlí son of Gloín, a wizard, some…um…mutants, and four hobbits (mutters something that sounds like "Oh Dear". Turns to large door) Welcome, guys, girls, whatever!

Jack Sparrow, Elizabeth Swan, Will Turner, Mr. Cotton's parrot, Anamaria, James Norrington, Mr. Cotton, Mr. Gibbs, Marty, (key-dog), Ragetti, Pintel, Barbossa, Lord Beckett, Tia Dalma, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimlí, Arwen, Frodo Baggins, Sam Gamgee, Pippin Took, Merry Brandybuck, Boromir, Gandalf, Gollum/Sméagol, Anakin Skywalker, Padmè Amidala, Qui-Gon Jinn, Jar-Jar Binks, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda, C3PO, R2D2, Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, Han Solo, and Chewbacca walk in and sit.

PORTER: Come in, ya'll, pardon the accent. So, how are ya'll?

LEIA: We're fine, thank you. Yourself?

PORTER: Fine, just fine. (turns to Will) Ohmygosh! I was like, so worried about you, Captain Turner! You're like, the best captain ever, even if you're undead! Undead captains rock!

JACK: Hey! (pause) What about captains that were dead, but are now alive?

D. JONES: Or undead captains that are now dead?

PORTER: (looks over both of them) No.

T. DALMA: Dere is no compar-e-son.

PORTER: (makes face) And Will doesn't have any resemblance to a squid with psychological issues. (without missing a beat, turns to look at Aragorn)So, Aragorn, what's it like to be the High King of Gondor?

Aragorn, having been whispering and pointing at all the different things with Arwen, looks up.

ARAGORN: It's interesting, to be sure. Every once-in-awhile I have to go off to battle and leave Arwen behind, but other than that, it's good.

PORTER: Arwen, what do you think about all this?

ARWEN: I'm happy, so long as Aragorn's happy.

WILL: Are you two newly weds?

JACK: A wedding? I love weddings! Drinks all around!

YODA: Serious matter, this is. Drinking, you should not.

All but Luke, Anakin, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan stare at Yoda. Luke, Ani, Qui, and Obi just look at him with respect.

JACK: What?

ANAKIN: Don't worry, you get used to him.

Yoda hits Anakin with gimmer stick.

YODA: Say mean things, you should not.

PORTER: Amen to that.


(Translation: You better believe it!!! –Either that or– Pooh met her real Ritzit!!!)

All the girls, minus Leia and Anamaria, quickly run away, along with the hobbits and Gollum/Sméagol, who shouts, "Master! Master, wait for MMMMEEEEEE!!!" LotR males pull out weapons along with Anakin, Yoda, Qui-Gon, Norrington, Jack, Anamaria, and Will. Han, Luke, and Leia stand up and try to shush Chewie. C3PO and R2D2 back up a bit, R2 "whimpering". In delayed reaction, Jar Jar suddenly jumps, screams, and runs after girls. Anamaria hides behind Jack. Porter shakes head and calls out as Chewbacca sits down:

PORTER: All right, girls, you can come back now. Males, Anamaria, you can put away your weapons. Ole Chewie won't hurt you. I hope…

Girls, hobbits, Gollum/Smeagol, and Jar Jar come back in cautiously. Hobbits sit by Gandalf. Anakin and Padmè sit by the twins. Jar Jar sits by Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. Legolas and Will end up sitting by each other.

PotC characters stare at Legolas, while LotR characters stare at Will. All (LotR, PotC, and SW) look back and forth between the two. Legolas and Will stare at each other.

WILL & LEGOLAS: He looks exactly like me! (pause) He sounds exactly like me!

All stare horrified, except for Porter, who has head in hands. Finally, both Will and Legolas move to opposite sides of room, shooting horrified looks at each other every-so-often through-out rest of show.

Leia: All right, listen. There has to be a normal, diplomatic solution to this.

All, especially Will and Legolas, stare at her.

LEIA: Or…not.

HAN: Princess, I think they just used their diplomatic solution.

PORTER: (thoughtfully) Hmm. And both of them are pretty much going to live forever. Cooli.


JACK: Wish I could live forever. (mutters) The Invincible Captain Jack Sparrow.

PORTER: Are you talking to the little Jack Sparrows on your shoulders?

JACK: What?

Porter sighs and turns to Frodo.

PORTER: So, Frodo, what was it like, taking care of the One Ring of Power?

GOLLUM: He took the Precious!!! Nasty Hobbitses!!! We must kill them!!! We hates them!!!

SMEAGOL: No, no!!! We loves the Master! He is good to us!

Will leans over and whispers to Gandalf:

WILL: Does he always do that?

GANDALF: All…the time.

FRODO: Well, it was rather painful, but I had Sam with me; I couldn't have done it without him.

SAM: Why, thank you, Mister Frodo.

After moment of silence, Porter turns to Luke.

PORTER: So, Luke, what was it like, destroying two Death Stars?

JACK: Death? Doesn't death mean funerals? A funeral! I love funerals! Drinks all around!

C3PO: Master Sparrow–

JACK: Captain Sparrow, if you please.

HAN: Yea, Goldenrod, get it right!

C3PO looks at Han, startled and murmurs something like "Oh, dear".

C3PO: Captain Sparrow, sir, why do you enjoy funerals?

ANAMARIA: Capt. Jack enjoys anything that has to do with rum, or any drink, for that matter.

PORTER: Um…I'm sorry; we don't have any…rum…here.

JACK: But why is the rum gone?!

Elizabeth rolls eyes and turns to Arwen.

ELIZABETH: Miss Arwen, I simply adore your dress, where did you get it?

ARWEN: Oh, another elf made it.

ELIZABETH: Elf?!?!?!

ARWEN: Yes, Legolas and I are both elves.

C3PO: Well, now I've heard everything.

GEICO GECKO: Well, hello there.

C3PO: Or, not.

PORTER: Everybody, meet our sponsor, the…um…Talking Gecko from GEICO.

ELIZABETH: I can't breathe!

WILL: Elizabeth!

Elizabeth faints. Leia, Padmè, Arwen, C3PO, Will, Norrington, all the hobbits, Gandalf, Jar Jar (getting in the way), and Yoda crowd around her.

YODA: Put her in healing spell, I will.

Anamaria rolls eyes. Jack, next to her, shouts over shoulder:

JACK: Just cut off her corset!


PARROT: Wind in ye sails!

Talking Gecko screeches upon seeing the parrot, and runs away. Nobody but Jar Jar notices.


No one pays attention to Jar Jar's outburst, except for Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn who cover his mouth and restrain him from going after the Talking Gecko.

J. NORRINGTON: As indispicable as it may seem, it did work the last time.

T. DALMA: Vill any man carry her to zee bathroom for us?

All men shoot up hands.

ALL MEN: I'll take her!

PORTER: (rolls eyes) Perverts.

ARWEN: Will Turner? (Will looks up) Since you are her husband, I believe you should take her.

All men groan, and sit back down, minus Will.

Will strides over to Elizabeth, then gracefully picks her up, bridal style, making all girls sigh.

LEIA: I wish Han would be that romantic with me.

HAN: (huffs) Not like I'm that romantic with anyone but you, sweetheart!

JACK: (whining) It's not fair! How come he gets to go into the women's restroom? I've always wanted to go there!

Everybody stops and stares at him.

JACK: What?

WILL: (winks) Eunuch, remember?

JACK: (shivers) Oh. Right.

Will rolls eyes and prepares to leave with ladies.

PADMÈ: Well, us ladies (says this pointedly, looking at all the males) and Will are going to take Elizabeth to the bathroom. By the way, where is it?

PORTER: Oh, go straight, then take a left, then a right, then another right, then left, then left again, no…wait…go right, then right again, then left, then right again, then you come to this sign of this really big pink bunny. It's really cool. Okay, anyways, don't take a right, that will lead you to the…somewhere. Instead–

LEIA: Can you just show us the way?

PORTER: Um…all right. Hey, it's commercial time anyways. Later, we'll be joined by other…people. Things.

PIPPIN: Oh, good. So, where are we going?