A/N: A bit of fluff while I work on other things. I've got a more serious Assassin's Creed fic in the works, but no estimate on when it will pop up. Enjoy the crack! ^^

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters portrayed in this fic… I just put words in their mouths. ;D



Raven Ehtar


"Tell me something, Altaïr."

"What is it?"

"Were you always a complete idiot or did you wait until you had an audience to become one?!"

"What exactly are you referring to, Malik?"

"What am I referring to? I'm referring to this farce of a journey you have dragged me on!"

"I seem to recall you requesting to accompany me on the trip back to Masyaf."

"Yes, because I knew your reputation as a fast rider. My business is best done with as little delay as possible. Had I known that your speed was negated by your poor sense of direction and ability to attract every Templar in the region, I would have gone on my own! How do you lose your way from Jerusalem to Masyaf? The roads are clearly marked!"

"The battalion of Templars bearing down on us made it a little difficult to read passing markers."

"A battalion that you charged through the middle of at top speed, I might remind you. I can understand some slight disorientation, but explain to me how we end up at the gates of the same city we departed from?"


"Is it your habit to ride in circles, calling attention to yourself in every village and army camp you ride through?"

"Consider it an extra challenge and improving my riding skills with inspiration?"

"Idiot! I may only have one arm, but I could still steer straighter than you have!"

"You can feel free to dismount and walk the rest of the way Masyaf."

"I would, if it weren't for the fact that we are currently fleeing from one of your blunders. I have no desire to act as bait to draw them off for you. As it is I'm keeping their arrows and your back strangers."

"A service I'm very grateful for. I hope to keep you from having to perform that duty. Duck."

"Agh! … Could you please try to avoid the trees at least? They're stationary and not that difficult to miss, steer away from them!"

"Are you going to complain the whole way?"

"Yes. However long that may take."

"Do you think distracting me is the best solution to our problem? Don't you think that I need all of my concentration?"

"I doubt very much if it would do any good if I were to remain silent. At this point I think anything would be an improvement."

"One less rider, for instance?"

"Provided it were the correct one, yes."

"What is it that made you seek out transportation with me, anyway? I would have thought that riding a flea infested donkey backwards the whole way back would have been preferable to my company."

"At least the donkey would have a legitimate reason not based on incompetence to be called an ass. And I've forgotten my original mission, quite frankly. It was left behind about three chases ago. Now I'm just concentrating on holding on and how to word my report to Al Mualim on your horsemanship."

"You wouldn't."

"You know me better than that. Of course I will."

"… I do know you better than that. In fact, if you were to give that report, I might feel compelled to share some of your… hobbies… with the old man. I'm sure he'd be interested."


"Very interesting pastimes, Malik. I never would have thought you were so talented."

"… You realize of course that were I not concerned with my own mortality I would be releasing you just long enough to kill you?"

"I wouldn't have dreamed you felt any other way, brother. Duck."