Disclaimer: I don't own Sam or Dean. *Mutters* Dammit.
Author's Notes: I took part in Spontaneity's challenge – a 700 drabble about a specific topic as part of a "Hunting for Dummies" –type project. My topic was "diet" so I went to the experts on it. Take it away, boys…
"Hey, Dean Winchester here. This is my brother Sam."
"And we're here to talk to you about diet – to be more specific about a Hunter's diet."
"Now we know that a lot of people think that because we're on the road a lot that you can't fit in a balanced diet, but that's really not true."
"Sure you are. You can't forget the four basic food groups."
"Grease, Pie, Coffee and Liquor."
(Sam facepalms.) "Dean…"
"That's not even close."
"It is as far as I'm concerned, and look at me." (Dean raises his shirt to show off his chest and abs.) "Now the first thing to remember is that when you find a diner, and the waitresses have a kind of satisfied look to 'em, that means we've been by. You've found a good place to stop."
"I don't believe this. Actually, what am I saying? When you check over the menu, avoid anything that's got the word "chicken-fried" in front of it. Your arteries will thank you for it. Stick to things like chicken or turkey club sandwiches, maybe a salad every once in a while. They do exist on diner menus, trust me. And if you don't see it, ask. The worst thing they can say is 'No'."
"No, the worst thing that they can say is 'A salad? Are you kidding?!' and then point and laugh at you. Like that place in Richmond, remember?"
"You are SUCH a jerk."
"And you're dangerously close to being confused with the Easter Bunny, considering all the rabbit food you eat."
"At least I KNOW what I'm eating! You'd try a table leg if it was covered in batter and fried in lard..."
"Because it would taste good. Stick with the burgers, folks, and go for the bacon on top if you can. Live a little. You can write off the ketchup as a veggie, anyway."
"A tomato's technically a fruit, genius."
"ANYway, let's just move on. Now we come to pie. Pie is in a class by itself because…"
"Because I say it is."
"I had to ask."
"Will you please shut up so I can keep educating these guys? As I was saying, pie is awesome. A well-made pie is like everything good you've ever thought of in your whole life in one place."
"Wow, Dean, that was really nice."
"Thanks. Just be careful of the kind of pie you're getting. If you order an apple pie and there's a scarecrow within 5 feet of you, forget the pie and just run."
"Which brings us to alcohol. Alcohol is good for lots of other things besides having a party. It can be used to numb the pain when a hunt doesn't go the way it's supposed to, and it makes a great Molotov Cocktail in a pinch. Just do yourself a HUGE favor and stay away from something called a Purple Nurple; those sneaky little bastards creep up on you."
"And another thing, please don't mix different kinds of liquor. The results are not pretty, take my word for it. There's a REASON they say 'never mix, never worry'."
"Amaretto and Irish Cream are girl drinks. If you order anything with these, check your Man Card at the door, because you are a woman."
"Or a giant Teddy Bear."
"Or a giant Teddy B-"(Dean turns and glares at Sam, who shrugs and grins.) "NOW who's not taking this seriously, wise-ass? Seeing as how I saved your favorite for last."
"Coffee. Also known around here as the Elixir of Life. There are very few things wrong with coffee, unless you're like Sam here and insist on douching it up. Let me sum it up, ladies and gentlemen. If it's a half-mocha, half-hazelnut frappachino, that's not coffee. If you stick your spoon in it and the spoon sticks straight up, it's coffee."
"Any other pearls of wisdom?"
"Yeah. 'Vampire' and 'vegan'".
"What about them?"
"Both start with 'V', neither of them sparkle and both suck."
"You just HAD to get a 'Twilight' slam in there, didn't you?"
"Every freaking chance I get, Sam. Okay, class dismissed. Pie time!"