Atopos - Lord, I haven't been here in, like, ages. Where have I been? Well, I was working almost forty hours a week at Canadian Tire, then I got laid off, so now I'm spending more time playing games and surfing the web. I have been writing, but most of it has been either parodies of movies I've been watching or silly little ideas I've gotten. I've found a lot of funny things, but I don't know where to put them yet; maybe on my profile. Most of my stuff lately has to do with Canada, America and Sealand bonding as brothers. This was one of them.
Have you ever watched a tv show and you think, 'this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen on tv in my life', but you can't stop watching it? That's this. It's based on 'Toddlers and Tiaras', an American show about crazy parents and fussed over children. Too bad I couldn't come up with a better ending T.T Also sort of based on an episode of Family Guy. Take it with good humour.
I own nothing still!
It was quiet...too quiet.
Many ideas swarmed Matthew's head as he tried to think of what Alfred was doing. His brother had sent him out for food since Alfred's summer house always seemed to be empty. At first they thought that they would be able to survive for a week on beer and take-out pizza, but then Arthur had appeared, thrown a small child at them, and ran off. They should have thought it was strange, but they had known Arthur their entire lives, so it wasn't the strangest thing they had seen him do.
So, they were stuck with Peter, the "nation" who looked remarkably like Arthur, but seemed to act exactly like Alfred. After all, all you really had to do was place them in front of a television set with a video game and the two could entertain themselves.
However, now that Matthew was back, neither of his brothers seemed to be anywhere in the house. And he was certain that if they were outside, there should have been screaming or stuff thrown at him when he made the way from the car to the house with his arms full of groceries and a wiggling teddy bear who insisted on finishing off the donuts before they got inside.
Kumajirou crawled towards the living room when Matthew began emptying the bags with a vengeance. Where the hell could they have gone? How could they get so far without the car? Alfred must have been fast. Matthew had only spent a little over an hour in the store and they were gone. The house was silent. No troubling, loud-mouthed, overly-hyperactive brothers to bother him...
Maybe it would be the perfect time to catch a nap.
Well, with that thought firm in his mind, he grabbed the brownies from the grocery bag and headed for the couch. Of course it was then when Alfred decided to make himself known; Matthew's cell phone buzzed with excitement in his pocket. He struggled to remove the item from his jeans and flipped it open.
"Yes, Alfred?" Matthew sighed. He could feelhis chance for a quiet afternoon slipping from between his fingers.
"Need ya for a moment!" Alfred's voice laughed over the phone. "We have a bit of a problem."
"What did you do?" Matthew gasped, jumping from the couch. "Oh, Arthur is going to tear you a new one! Where's Peter? How's he?"
"Well," Alfred must have pulled the phone away from his ear as he judged the situation. Matthew could hear people screaming and cheering; what had his brothers done now? "Peter's on stage."
"Stage?" Where was this going? Normally Matthew could figure out Alfred's plans before everyone else, this was just leading him nowhere.
"Yeah," Alfred replied sheepishly. Matthew could tell that Alfred was getting more than a bit nervous. There were times in their lives when Alfred would tell Matthew that he sounded like Arthur reprimanding one of his former colonies; this would be one of those moments. "You see," Alfred tried to explain as if Matthew was really going to get him in trouble, "I was watching television when this super awesome idea just hit me! And then I thought 'hey, why not?' so I told Peter my idea, and now we're here. I just need you to sign a few things, and…"
"Where are you two?" Matthew growled into the phone.
"We walked to the convention centre," Alfred sighed. "You'd better get here quick before something happens."
Alfred knew how to push all the right buttons on his brother. Matthew tore from the house after plucking Kumajirou from the floor and locking the front door. Upon arriving at the convention centre, Matthew noticed that the place was full of frustrated moms and tired children dressed up in expensive clothes. Alfred stood out; there weren't very many men in the building, especially none as loud as Alfred.
"Mattie!" Alfred waved him over to a pair of seats that sat against the far wall.
Matthew struggled to make his way through the busy crowd. This was no place for the kind of heart. Children screamed, parents fussed, and Kumajirou was getting a lot of attention from some of the younger children.
"What are you doing here?" Matthew hissed when he finally found his way to where his brother was sitting. "I leave you alone for five minutes and you drag Peter out here? What if Arthur finds out? Or Sweden?"
Alfred waved the thought away. "Berwald's a pussy cat on a good day…or so Tino once said. And as for Arthur, you leave him to me. Peter would do anything to tick the old guy off. So, sit down and have some fun."
Matthew collapsed in the chair on Alfred's left, feeling as if all his worry had been for nothing. "Care to explain?" he asked.
"Alright," said Alfred, getting excited, "this is a beauty pageant for children. Basically all these busy-body parents dress up their kids in clothing that costs hundreds and forces them to stand on stage. People in my country take it rather seriously. So, I thought Peter's cute enough to enter in a contest, why not test our luck and win some cash?"
Matthew's eyes widened in fear. "What? We can't do that!"
"Of course we can. I could use some gas money for my SUV and motorbike."
"That's only because you always choose the largest, gas-guzzling thing around."
Their light argument was cut short when a man in a black suit approached them. He smiled down at Matthew and Kumajirou. "You must be Petra's mother. Alfred told me you'd be coming."
Matthew shot Alfred a dirty look that had his brother scuttling to the edge of his seat. "If that's what he told you," he growled.
"Oh, and you two even dress alike!" The man cooed. "How cute!"
"Yeah," Matthew agreed, "we're into dressing in the same clothes. Sort of how twins dress the same."
The man kept on smiling. "We'll need you to sign a few forms for us. We're sorry if we find it strange that your husband brought your daughter here alone. We mostly have women come here."
"That's fine." Matthew sighed, relenting to the fact that he was roped into playing this game with his brothers. "I completely understand. He looks rather untrustworthy, doesn't he?" He signed the papers with a fake name and turned towards his brother, mumbling under his breath.
"Relax," Alfred chuckled, wrapping his arm around Matthew's shoulders, "we pretend for a bit, get the five hundred dollar prize money, and have some fun. I get gas money, Peter gets a new video game, and you can be treated to dinner anywhere you want."
"Oh, I'm so lucky."
Alfred elbowed Matthew in the side. "Shush, it's Peter's turn."
Matthew looked innocent. "Hold on, I thought his name was 'Petra'."
The older brother was going to make the argument even louder and longer, but then Peter, pouting in a long blue and white gown not quite unlike his normal sailor suit, marched onto the stage. His blond hair was made even longer with a wig that had been placed on his head, giving him the appearance of bouncy curls that were held in place by a large white bow.
Peter picked out his sibling in the crowd and stuck out his tongue. The parents of all the other children must have found this adorable as they all chuckled at his defiance; Matthew and Alfred laughed behind their hands, knowing full well that they were going to be condemned to some kind of torture later.
A woman from behind Mathew leaned over to whisper, "My, what a precious little girl!"
Alfred nodded with enthusiasm. Even though Matthew would feel pity for his younger brother, he could not help agreeing. Peter made a sweet little girl. Besides, Matthew was certain that there were photo albums stashed away in some part of the world with pictures of him and Alfred wearing dresses that were fashionable in some time period.
"Yeah," the woman's husband agreed, "she looks just like her mother."
Matthew turned red, trying to hide his face in Kumajirou's fur. Alfred laughed even harder, patting his brother on the back.
Peter stomped on his way back behind the curtains and the rest of the girls came out on their turns. Alfred continued to shine with a 'job-well-done' smirk and Matthew smiled, but dreaded what Peter would do to them while they slept that night.
At the end, all the girls were forced to stand one-by-one in a row on the stage. Peter stood in between a brunette and a redhead, looking rather out of place since he kept fidgeting with the frills Alfred had made him wear. One of the judges passed out the smaller trophies such as 'best smile' and 'most beautiful dress'. Alfred nearly fell off his seat from crazed laughter when Peter was given a sash and miniature trophy stating that he had the 'best personality'.
Then came the bigger trophies, along with the crowns and the promise of cash. Surprise of all surprises came when second place was announced to be Peter. Neither Matthew nor Alfred could contain their laughter when a tall, busty, ex-Miss. America contestant handed him one of the bigger awards and placed a large crown on the boy's head. She gave him a peck on the cheek and Matthew swore his younger brother would have toppled over from the sheer force of his blush.
Peter skipped towards his brothers, his prizes held tight in his hands. "Look at this, Matt!"
"I don't think you should be calling your mom by his first name," Alfred said brightly, waving a finger in the air.
Peter pouted. "Well, Finland's my mom. That's what papa Sweden said."
"Yeah, but if you want to collect your cash, you play by my rules." Alfred stated with pride. "That includes calling Mattie mom when we get up to the judges. And you have to be called Petra for a little while longer."
"I hate that name!" Peter growled, stomping his feet.
The parents were handed whatever amount of money their child won in a small envelope. The judges cooed over them, saying that Peter was such a lovely girl (Peter about to curse the men with words he had picked up from Arthur) and that Alfred was lucky to have such a beautiful family. Matthew's expression could have murdered everyone in the centre when Alfred wrapped an arm around his waist and played along.
The brothers sat in the parking lot, plotting their next move once they received their envelope once they made it through the crowd once again.
"I say we split it," Alfred suggested. Peter was about to disagree, but Alfred gave him a swat and continued, "It was my idea, we needed Matt to show up to make the fall for it, and Peter did all the work. So how about I take enough money for gas and our dinner, Matt can have the same amount for his troubles, and Peter can have the rest."
Once the older two took their share, the rest was handed into the backseat and into Peter's tiny hands. The boy beamed at the paper in his fingers.
Alfred started the engine and turned to Matthew. "I think we should do this bonding thing more often. Maybe next time you can be the one to dress up for one of my small state beauty pageants."
Matthew glared. "Don't even joke about it. If you're not careful, I'll tell the spirits to haunt you 'cause you like them so much."
"What?" Alfred's eyes widened. "There's no such thing, right?"
"Maybe I'll even tell them to crossdress since you seem to like that too."
"Maybe they'll even hide under your covers!"
"Stop! Mattie! I don't wanna see crossdressing ghosts in my bed!"
Peter rolled his eyes, pulling at the lose strings and glittery sequins on his dress. Why did he always feel like the normal one in the family?