Summary –Her senses are completely attuned to him. TIVA.
Disclaimer – NCIS characters are CBS's not mine.
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And through the silence you hear his heart beating
Bombs and guns echo through your past. Your childhood feels like a continuous earthquake of sound. While others had Disney soundtracks and boy bands, you were born into a war that will never end. While others will jump at the sound of a machine gun you simply disregard it and as background noise. But it was not always that way. Sometimes there were black and white keys that transported you away from all the noise into blissful sound. Sometimes you let yourself go to the music with elegant movements and poised grace. And you felt helpless for you could not resist the notes and your body seemed to move on its own accord. But your father will make it quite clear that abandonment will be your downfall. And you are immersed once more into the war of noise.
The ticking of a clock reminds you of time and how limited it is when a bomb is about to go off. And although you are taught how to disarm the bombs the ticking never seems to go away. And you live with the ticking going on in your head, a reminder that the best ones die young and you might just be next. And you pass through every mission knowing it might be the last one, not allowing yourself to really live at all for the clock is always ticking.
But here you somehow rediscover the notes that embraced your childhood. Here you hear much more than the ticking clock, you hear laughter, you hear music, you hear friendships, you hear life. And you feel as if all you ever had before was silence, a place void of life, and now finally you have found something that shatters the silence and brings you love.
And it's soft and comforting like a lullaby, it feels it's where you belong.
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And his lips find yours in the darkness
Since Tali's death you have been engulfed by revenge. You were already part of Mossad when it happened but you became more focused and determined knowing without doubts that this was the only way you could avenge her death. Knowing that to find her killers would give you satisfaction and lessen the guilt that you felt. Knowing that it would give her peace and maybe finding reason in her death as it would lead to the capture of her killers and save many other lives. They used to teach you to let these feelings govern you and motivate you and you became the best and took down several lives for Mossad before they even allowed you to start the search for Tali's killers. They used to tell you that revenge would taste sweet.
It did not.
It left you even worse than before. You waited for the satisfaction that never came; the lessening of the guilt which never disappeared; the reasons which never seemed enough to overpower the simple fact that you had lost your little sister. Killing her killers had left you with nothing but a dry mouth and harsh lips still waiting for the little bit of water that would give them peace.
It took quite some time for your lips to soften, for you to start to let go of the guilt and revenge that had become an essential part of your being. For you to open up to the people around you and admit when was the first time you realised Daddy wasn't perfect. And though you were taught that revealing sensitive information would be used against you, the trust you have built with these people ensures you that your secrets are safe. You can identify once more the different flavours of life away from the strong awful taste of revenge. You taste freedom in a new country; you taste friendship in coffee and jasmine tea; you taste sisterhood in Caf-Pow madness and protectiveness in glasses of Burbon. And most of all you taste partnership and companionship in pizza and beer.
And you the only thing you taste is life.
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And when you close your eyes the light still shines through
You used to be afraid that you would never sleep properly again because for the first couple of months after returning from Africa closing your eyes means reliving the darkness. You try everything the psychologist suggests apart from the one which will actually work, for it is the one that will make you seem weak in front of the rest of the team. Because admitting your weaknesses was not part of Mossad training. But everything keeps building up inside you and you await the eruption of the volcano knowing it will be disastrous.
And when it happens you thank God that it's with him. And he takes your hand, looks you in the eyes and tells you he's there and it will be fine.
And he'll spend the whole weekend trying to make you smile by taking you to the movies, parks and zoos. You think that you have never laughed so much in your life and probably it is true. You do not expect any miracles and in fact it was not a quick change but slowly day by day you find that it is easier to sleep and easier to dream. And one day when you're taking your daily run and close your eyes to shield from the strong rays of the morning sun, you realise that you do find not darkness. You find light tinted with a distinct shade of green.
And the sight of him feels soft to your eyes and warm to your heart.
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And you inhale a scent which feels like home
The smell of blood was the first one you ever learnt. Your father wants you to know when danger is imminent and wants you to know what human beings are capable of doing, what you are capable of doing. He then helps you perfect your sense of smell and you are able to recognise drugs and identify perfumes long before other girls have started thinking about make up. Your mother tries to find something good out of the situation and teaches you to apply yourself in cooking and when you both fill the house with wonderful aromas you know that you can be so much more than a weapon.
And the wind will chase the blissful smell of cooking away and lead you once more to burnt flesh and blood. And you smell them for so long that you almost believe that they are the only thing that exist.
But here, with him, you realise that there are many different spices in life. You are aware of different smells like McGee's pipe and Abby's tatoo ink. Like Gibbs' smell of wood. But most of all you are aware of him. And unlike the others you cannot identify a specific component. You can only say that it's him and it's home. It is comfort and it is acceptance. It is classic like one of his movies and it is playful like a child's innocence.
It is everything and it may just be love.
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And the touch of his hands around you brings you security
Thinking about it you almost feel like one of those damsels in distress from his movies, almost. You know you can defend yourself, you trust your training, you trust your head. But you do not trust your heart or your emotions for they have led you wrong before. But you trust them in his arms, for he has dared to risk before and you know somehow that he won't use anything against you.
Through the over-development of other senses you think you ignored the sense of touch. For apart from when yielding a weapon or defending yourself, your hands feel foreign. The times when you see couples walking by holding hands are the only times you envy other women. Their carefree way of touching someone else, so mindlessly, showing with little gestures how important they are to them. It looks like such a simple thing to do, so easy. But you even feel awkward when Abby hugs you, not knowing where the hands should go. And whilst with him you push and invade his personal space, you're cautious about touching him too much. Too trapped inside the walls of indifference and masks that say that you do not care; you're too lost in this labyrinth that you helped built for yourself. So you settle for punches and slaps, something informal maybe too informal if you're judging by Abby's standards. But it's the only way you know how to give into the fact that you need the touching like every other human being does.
And he's the same but on a much lower scale. But when you're together and he grazes your cheek, his touch is the only thing you feel. And as soft as his touch is, it's strong enough to break through the barriers and filter in some light. His touch leads you out of the labyrinth every time, through a passage way which strangely enough alone you never seem to find. And when he's with you, you feel like you've changed and somehow he managed to break off the chains. And you're free, no longer afraid of what your father would think if he saw you let yourself go like this.
And you feel in a way that you've never thought possible and you touch him and are afraid to let go.
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Outside the wind howls and the windows rattle; the rain pounds against the glass leaving marks that disappear soon after. The lightning illuminates the world around it, stealing from the mystery of the night. The adventurous youth dance basking in the promise of a new beginning as the rain washes the tiredness of another day ,leaving a new taste to their lives. And the atmosphere is engulfed by the unique smell of rain, the ones little children wait for knowing it brings with it hot cocoa and stories.
But inside it is different. Inside with him in your bed, with his arms around you and your hand on his chest, your senses abandon their defences. For it is his everything that manages to set off your radar without alarming you, without making you anxious about what dangers may lie ahead.
And your senses come to life because of him.
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This piece kept on bugging me because it didn't want to stay on the computer so here it is. Not sure if it is finished or not.
Just to keep us warm till the next tiva moment on screen: .com/watch?v=72SSiK8g6ng TIVA – Lost then Found.