CB: Well, real life has been pretty horrendous lately, and I have to say, this is the only way I can truly express myself sometimes. This is the only way I can let my real emotions show in true clarity, so that's why I'm writing a story, in memory of someone I knew.
Warnings: 1+2, angst, romance, mainly Heero's POV (point of view) Songfic (sorta)
Rating: Probably only PG 13
Title: Forget Me Not
Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, the song is by the H-girls 'little blue flower'Sometimes you fill my head,
I think of nothing but what is lost,
But to love and to lose,
Is better to have never loved at all,
This is what someone once said,
I bet they never tried it.
It wrenches your heart,
It fills your head.
Have you ever loved someone?
That's a strange question to ask isn't it? I mean, I'm sure we have all loved at one point or another, even if it is just the love one bears for a close friend or relative. But what I really mean is have you ever loved someone so much it even goes beyond romantic love? That the love you bear for this person consumes your whole world that you can never think of anything but this person, you want to be near them forever and ever? You want to protect them for all eternity, never let anything bad happen to them and hold them close until your last breath?
Well I have felt love like this, even if you haven't, and believe me, it is the most wonderful thing that can ever happen to you and yet at the same time so unbearably sad you feel like you will split in two. But the worst thing of all is when you lose that someone that you live for, breathe for, care for above all others and would even die for.
My name is Heero Yuy and up until about three years ago, I had no idea love like that even existed in real life, after all, it was just something made up by authors and poets, it wasn't real, it didn't happen to people and would most certainly never happen to me.
That was until he crashed into my life.
'Crashed' is a very good way to describe it, though 'shot' might have been better. The moment I looked up into those fierce, proud violets something inside me that I never even knew existed stirred in my soul. It was like a part of me was cautiously reaching out to a part of him.
But that emotion was quickly quelled, I had a mission and this person had interrupted it, for all I knew, he was an enemy, an Oz soldier sent to wreck my mission and I couldn't let that happen so I had tried to destroy both our mobile suits. It hadn't worked to say the least but still, even after my near death experience, he'd helped me out, breaking me out of that hospital, helping to recover Wing and I let myself hope. Just for once I allowed a small ray of sunshine into my otherwise dull and dreary life. And this ray grew until I knew I had to speak or be consumed with its fire.
Taking a leap of faith is part of life,
But when pain comes along,
It cuts like a knife.
The time you promised we would always stay
The way we are,
You gave me that flower,
A precious symbol of what could have been,
A little blue flower.
So that's what I had done, I had taken that one major risk in my life. Sure I had taken calculated risks in battles before, but this wasn't the same, this was different. I would not have had any protection against what might have happened next if he'd said no.
I will never forget that day, the sun was skulking behind some low thunderclouds as I told him in that garden of Quatre's. The chilly breeze had just started to pick up and was blowing those strands of chestnut hair across his lovely face as he looked at me for what seemed like a small eternity.
I will never forget what happened next.
Tears filled his eyes as he looked at me, and I heard the last thing I was expecting to hear, the last thing I could hope to hear. "Ai shiteru Heero, I love you too." When I heard it, I couldn't believe it, it was a dream, it wasn't true. The one you loved the most, loved you just as much.
He was so beautiful and full of life, so vibrant and exquisite and I was just a cold, heartless shell of a human. But he'd told me that wasn't true, you had to be human to love and I was as human as him.
I remember what he did next, as clearly as though it had happened only yesterday, I can still see him in my mind, smiling through his tears as he stooped down and plucked a small blue flower out of the earth before handing it to me. Still smiling, still laughing, but then for one second his face went deadly serious as his hand pressed the soft green and blue flower into my hand.
I will always remember his words, they will haunt me for the rest of my life as he looked up at me, and his voice was so serious, so sad that I'm surprised I didn't realise what was wrong immediately as he said, "Heero. Forget me not."
I hadn't understood what he'd meant. Forget Me Not? It was just a flower, nothing special, but now I see the significance of that one sentence, fool that is was, I didn't see it then, and he didn't explain.
Three months passed, and they were the happiest ones of my young life. I had never felt so cherished, wanted and loved in all my years. No one had ever made me smile like he had, no one had ever made me get up a four in the morning, just to go and play in the snow wearing my boxers before the neighbours got up. He made me feel and do all these things and many more, with him I experienced life.
But even while he was giving me life, his own was being taken.
Perhaps I was too stupid to see, perhaps he hid it too well, or perhaps everyone deliberately kept the news of his fading life from me. I don't know, and now I suppose I never will.
But on the day of our three-month anniversary something so awful and terrible happened to me, my hand shakes while I'm writing it down, even though I am no longer experiencing the hell I went through then I can still feel the pain sharply.
I had promised him I would take him out to dinner. We were going to a quiet little Italian restaurant down the road, nowhere really special to anyone but ourselves as it had been the place of our first date.
As we were getting ready though, disaster struck.
As Duo walked into the living room of our shared flat, he suddenly turned very pale and stumbled slightly, gripping the doorframe tightly with one hand. Rushing to his side I supported him, watching closely.
"Maybe going out tonight isn't such a good idea." I had said worriedly.
But he wouldn't hear of it insisting it was just a dizzy spell and that he kept having them, it was nothing to worry about really. So I had reluctantly consented, but as we were heading out of the front door he'd stumbled again, and this time he did fall. Luckily I caught him, but he was unconscious.
An ambulance came to pick him up, and I was very reluctant to release him over to them, but having no choice I had to content myself with riding in the ambulance with him, holding one pale hand as I watched his face anxiously for any sign that he was waking. But no sign came.
When you went away,
Life lost meaning,
Day by day,
I thought I kept seeing,
You standing in the garden
Or sitting on a chair,
But when I turned around again,
You were never there.
It turns out he had cancer, he kept it from me, he kept it from everyone because he didn't want pity and people treating him like glass, even to Hilde who was the only one he told, he never fully explained how bad it was. I suppose I can understand this, it wasn't he didn't trust me, it was just because he didn't want me to be unhappy for our short time together.
All that night and the next day until late into that evening I sat by his bed, not moving, not uttering a word to anyone except the nurse who would pop in occasionally to check on the both of us.
At one point the rest of the pilots had turned up, but all were only allowed to stay for a short while before being shooed out by the resident matron.
All was silent in the cold, white room as I sat there, holding his pale hand in one of mine, watching his face that showed no signs of life. The doctor had told me earlier that is wasn't even remotely likely he'd wake up from his unconscious state, he was bordering on a coma as it was and they had put him on a life support later that day.
Gently squeezing his hand I tried not to think about him dying. It just seemed so impossible, he was always full of life, so vibrant and happy that without him it would hold no meaning to me. Blinking rapidly I noticed something warm was trickling down one of my cheeks.
I was crying.
It was such a surprising thing, I had never cried before in my life. Not even when I was in the depths of despair had I cried. And now here I was, a silent flood of hot salty droplets streaming down my face like a never-ending river.
And then a miracle happened. As one of my tears hit Duo's pale face he blinked and murmured, stirring slightly before dull violet eyes opened to gaze at me.
"Heero? You're crying?" One hand came up to wipe the tears away, "Don't be sad love, it's not so bad you know." He tried to smile but only a small grimace came out before he relaxed slightly. "Heero, I know I should have told you and I'll understand if you blame me love."
"No," I whispered fiercely, gently pulling his fingers up to my lips and softly kissing them, "I can understand your reasons, don't ever think I would blame you for this."
Duo really did smile then, and to me it was like the sun coming up for the last time, "Thankyou Heero, you have no idea how much that means to me. I'm glad I'll be able to die knowing you don't blame me and love me."
"No! You're not going to die, you've woken up, that's a start, and soon you'll be as good as ever!" I began, trying to convince myself as much as him. "And once you're better we'll go on a tour of Europe, would you like that?"
"Ssh." Violet eyes softened slightly as he placed a gentle finger on my lips, "I'm going to die Heero, I know it, you know it and the fact that I'm awake is only a miracle blessed by God, in the fact I can say one final goodbye to you."
I nodded silently, my throat working but no words coming out as I twined our fingers together again and resting my head on my other palm.
"Heero? Will you do me a favour?"
Duo stretched out his arms, placing them around my neck, "Hold me and keep me safe." He murmured, blinking sleepily, "I'm so tired, I just want to sleep."
I nodded again, getting up from my chair and laying down on the bed next to him; careful not to disturb the wires I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close as he rested his head on my chest.
Just as I drifted to sleep, holding my precious burden, I heard that one sentence I will never forget, that one sentence that will be with me forever, reminding me of him forever.
"Forget me not."
Every time I see it,
In the morning sun,
The memory of you,
Makes me feel like life's begun.
That little blue flower,
Waving by the way,
But all the time I'm feeling,
More pain day by day.
I awoke the next morning to bright sunshine peeking through light curtains and when I opened my eyes it was to see Quatre, Trowa and Wufei looking down at me, eyes full of a deep sorrow and I knew the worst had happened.
Apparently it had been early this morning, the nurse had entered to check up on Duo and myself who she had assumed was sitting in a chair. The sight before her was obviously (in her words) 'sweet.'
I had Duo wrapped closely to me, arms entangled and I was breathing steadily, my face relaxed. Duo was relaxed too, his hair falling over the both of us, his face even more peaceful than mine, and when the nurse had checked she had found out the obvious.
Duo was dead; he'd died in my arms, peacefully with the one he loved. To me that is the greatest comfort, I was there until the end for him. I held him up until his last living breath.
He was so full of life he deserved to die the least of all of us. But he taught all of us and in particular me what life was really all about, how we should all laugh, dream, love and live and never stop doing it, even when we know it is too late to do much. He was always cheerful, always worrying about others, never himself and he was the most treasured thing I ever had.
To all of us he was a good friend and I don't think anyone will forget him, but perhaps least of all me. I will always remember the things he told me, until the day I die.
Heero quietly stepped down from the microphone and walked out of the church. Many people inside were crying, including the other pilots but he had done it, for his Duo he had given a eulogy. (1)
Quickly he walked up to the top of the hill on which Duo was buried. A simple white headstone marking the place where his heart rested with Duo's. Sinking down quietly next to the spot his love was buried in; he gently reached out and touched the flowers growing on top.
A soft smile came to his lips as he caressed the small flowers, a silent tear falling from otherwise still blue eyes. "Forget me not." He murmured to himself, idly picking one of the small blue flowers, glancing up into the sky where he knew his angel was Heero Yuy smiled.
"I will not forget you love, and someday we will be joined again. Forget me not."
The words you spoke to me,
As you handed me that flower,
Vibrate around my head,
Every minute every hour,
And I know I will never forget,
What life was like with you,
I'll always have the knowledge,
I know you loved me too…
CB: This is written to the memory of Monty Brownson, one of my very good friends who always had the ability to make me laugh, his death shocked us all. Monty always made people see the bright side of everything, he always encouraged me and supported my actions a brilliant friend who will be so missed it cannot be described. To Monty, wherever you are, I hope you're laughing at all of us being so daft over you.
We miss you.
(1) Your memories of the person who has died, often given at funerals or memorial services.