Right, sorry this is a bit late. I got caught up in real Life and such...
Anyway, this is set post Children of Earth, and for Jack is post events of these last few chapters, but for Hans it's pre his time in Cardiff
Hope you enjoy, and as always, please r&r
With Torchwood now being nothing but a name, Captain Jack Harkness had run from Cardiff. He had ran from Gwen Cooper and Rhys Williams, and had left the planet where Ianto Jones, his gorgeous Welsh coffee boy, the love of his lives, had lost his life. He hadn't been able to live on Earth anymore since that day they had defeated the 456, and besides, it wasn't as if they could not manage without him. The Doctor spent a lot of his time on this particular planet, and UNIT and Sarah Jane Smith were also around to save the day. The Earth was safe enough from aliens without him, so Jack had left the planet and travelled around space, hoping to soothe the pain that had gripped him since Ianto had died. Travelling across the Earth hadn't worked, so he hoped that this would. He didn't know how he was going to cope otherwise.
Crossing the universe, Captain Jack Harkness spent a lot of time in bars drinking himself into oblivion with Thalaxian Congos and Hyper Vodkas to drown his sorrows. Then he had found just the one perfect bar who didn't try and stop him from drinking himself to death. This one bar did not complain so long as he paid them. In fact, he was left to do as he wished so long as he paid them for the alcohol, and so Jack had taken up residence. He practically lived at the bar, occasionally disappearing to go do something else, but he could generally be found there sat at the bar with a glass of Hyper Vodka watching as aliens and time passed him by.
One particular evening Captain Jack Harkness was yet again sat on his usual stool at the bar, drinking a few especially potent cocktails that the barman had concocted. Testing the new mixtures, Jack heard something beep, but ignored it as he took another sip of the fluorescent 'En Diamo' cocktail which smelled of thyme and yet tasted of chocolate. However, the beeping simply would not stop and, completely out of the blue, Jack suddenly found that he wasn't at the bar. In fact, he was landing on a patch of damp earth in the middle of the night, with a light drizzle falling.
The hardly sober Captain picked himself up off what appeared to be grass and looked at his surroundings. There were search lights surrounding the field, mounted on top of barbed wire fences. There were lines of barracks not too far away, so Jack guessed that this was an army camp of some kind. Where it was and what year he didn't have a clue, but he was pretty certain that this was an army camp. Of course, with anything to do with the armed forces there were patrols, and that probably meant that he had been spotted already. Sure enough, it wasn't long before he had a number of guns pointed at him as he walked along. Holding his hands up in surrender, he looked at the soldiers with interest. From their uniform he could just about tell that he was in Germany at some point during the Second World War. That meant that he was on Earth and Jack groaned. He really, really didn't want to be back on this planet so soon. He had only been gone a few months.
"Hands up! State your name und your status."
"Captain Jack Harkness, and who may you three cuties be?" he asked, the alcohol kicking in. Pretty soon the very tipsy Captain would be in fits of giggles.
"Captain Liebemann and Private's Kaminski and Oppenheimer. Vot is your business here, American?" The blonde announced. Liebemann... Jack was sure he had heard that name somewhere before...
"Hans!" He yelled triumphantly, instantly lowering his hands and hugging the Captain. The blonde German was troubled for a few minutes before Oppenheimer and Kaminski managed to free their superior. Jack however just burst into laughter.
"I don't know him." Hans told his two men, feeling more than a little confused.
"Must be a spy."
"A drunk spy!"
"Then come on. We'll bring him in for interrogation." For lack of rope to bind Jack's hands, Kaminski removed his belt and used that instead. The American Captain just watched, not bothering to give a struggle, with eyebrows raised as his mind filled with a number of ideas that won't be repeated here. As the ex Time Agent was led into the depths of the main base, Jack could not help but hum. Even the threat of being shot wouldn't shut him up. Reaching a harsh stone building, Jack was quickly thrown into a cell where his hands were untied and the door then locked. Giggling at something only known to him, Jack sat by the bars.
"Vot shall ve do with him?" Oppenheimer asked.
"Let him sober up and zen... Zen ve question him."
"In ze morning then?" Kaminski queried.
"Yah. Now continue your patrols. I shall stay here und guard ze prisoner."
"Captain." The two Privates saluted before leaving. Hans turned back to his prisoner to find that he was singing.
"If you leave me now, you'll take away the very heart of me... Ooo baby please don't go."
Hans regarded the dark haired American with one eyebrow raised. Even for a drunk he was acting very strangely, but admittedly he was a very good singer. It was with the prisoner in a cell that he managed to get a proper look at him, and it was weird how the American looked exactly like the blonde German, except for the eye colour and hair colour. Other than that, they were exactly the same bar nationalities. It was uncanny how much they resembled each other, and the only way that Hans could explain it was that it was a new trick that the Allies had developed. Listening to the American Captain sing, Hans sat down and watched, messing with a candle as he did so. He was tired, and after an hour of Jack's singing, he could not take much more of it.
"Silence you drunken spy or I'll shoot you!" Jack immediately stopped singing mid sentence.
"Go on then." The former Torchwood leader said, a grin plastered across his face.
"Vot?" the German was taken completely by surprise.
"Go on then. Shoot me! I dare you." Jack said, sounding much more like a child than an adult, before laughing. Hans just stared at him, wondering if he really meant it. Did the Captain really want to die? But why would he, a German Captain, do what his enemy wanted? Besides, if he shot his prisoner he would never find out if he was actually a spy and the secret behind looking similar. Deciding against it, Hans moved his hand away from the pistol in his holster.
"How do you know me?" Hans asked a few minutes later. Jack simply smiled sadly for a few seconds, before turning his smile into a grin.
"Now that, my dear friend, would be telling." Captain Harkness said, tapping the side of his nose whilst Hans sighed with frustration. He wouldn't be getting anything out of this man this evening. "Drink?" Jack offered, holding out his hipflask that was filled with hyper vodka.
"Can't. I'm on duty." Hans explained, even though he would have loved a drink there and then. He certainly needed it.
"Oh, come on... One tiny little drink won't do you any harm, and only you and I will know..." Jack said, pulling what can only be described as a puppy dog expression, as he waved the flask under the Nazi's nose. Hans looked at him, thought it over for all of about thirty seconds, and then caved and took it. The German Captain took a sniff before drinking a bit and swallowing, and then began a coughing fit, his throat and eyes stinging.
"Meine God!" Hans swore "Dat ist sehr strong!"
"Don't you just love it though?" Captain Jack Harkness smirked.
"Nine!" Hans said, shaking his head.
"Ah well, your loss." Jack shrugged before trying to take the flask back. Hans, though claiming not to like hyper vodka, didn't seem to want to return it. Jack stretched his arm out between the bars as far as it would go but he couldn't reach. His German counterpart deliberately held the flask a taunting distance away from him.
"Could I have that back?"
"Nine!" Hans said, almost hugging the container before taking another swig, this time swallowing a rather large amount of the very potent liquid.
"I wouldn't..." Jack began, but the Nazi ignored him and drank the lot. "...do that." He finished quietly, watching the German sway precariously on his feet.
"Vot?" Hans slurred, unable to stay still.
"Never mind." Jack said, rolling his eyes before reaching for his flask that had fallen to the floor within reach. Captain Harkness found that it was just a fingers width out of reach and stretched himself just a bit further, smiling triumphantly when he finally got it. Seeing if there was any of the liquid left (there wasn't), Jack looked up to find the German singing to himself and dancing.
"Haben sie gehurt das Deutsche band... wit a bang, wit a boom, wit a..." The American Captain couldn't help but laugh silently as he watched the blonde man dance around, moving closer and closer to the cell. Seeing the keys on the German's belt, a rapidly sobering up Jack knew that he had to escape. Trying to work out a plan to get those keys, he found that his alcohol filled brain refused to comply to think straight. What had he done to himself? In fact, why was he even here?
"Haben sie gehurt das Deutsche band..." Hans continued, reaching the chorus. Sighing, Harkness stayed close to the bars of his cell and waited to seize the moment. As Hans finished his song though, he wrecked Jack's half plan by moving to the other end of the room.
"I know vot you are trying to do." The German slurred. "You're trying to get meine keys..." he hiccupped. "Its pointless trying. You won't get them."
"Aww..." Jack sighed, sounding very much like a small child.
"Nothing will work meine friend." Time for a change of tactic then, the former Torchwood leader thought. Perhaps if he could get Hans distracted then he could sneak the keys from him, free himself and get back to the bar... Only problem was, how was he going to distract a drunk German Nazi?
"My gift is my song... And this one's for you." Jack began, causing Hans to turn and stare. Struggling to remember the next words, Jack carried on
"You can tell everybody this is your song, it may be quite simple but now that it's done... I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words... How wonderful life is now you're in the world." It was doing the trick, Hans moving closer to the cell with every line. Jack was simply thankful that Jack and Ianto had forced him to watch Moulin Rouge one day after work. The German moved closer and closer but Jack still couldn't get the keys. Sighing, he stayed where he was and tried to think of something else.
"You play cards?" Hans asked, producing a pack from out of nowhere.
"When I'm not in a cell."
"Then how about ein game?"
"How?" Hans simply smiled as he proceeded to free the Captain from the cell and sat him down before dealing out the cards for poker. Finding a bottle of something alcoholic lying around, the two Captains agreed to make the game interesting...
Less than an hour later there were two piles of clothes on the floor with two shirtless men barely managing to sit on their chairs. They were laughing and joking, and Hans seemed to be really enjoying himself even though he was losing dramatically. Jack meanwhile was making use of the tips he'd picked up whilst being a Time Agent and con man to win.
"I win again" Jack smirked, putting the cards down on the table. Hans got to his feet and removed his trousers, leaving him in just his underwear. The former Torchwood leader simply raised his eyebrows suggestively before also getting to his feet. It wasn't long before the gap between them was closed and Jack knew that now was the perfect time to escape. There was just one thing he had to do first to ensure that Hans wouldn't remember him when they met next. Slipping the pill between his teeth and being careful not to swallow, Captain Jack Harkness crushed his lips on Captain Hans Liebemann's and smiled as his German doppelganger practically melted in his arms. Then, slowly, the German fell into unconsciousness. Jack gently lay him down on the floor and let the Retcon do its work before donning the German's uniform. He then picked up his own clothes and cuddled them to him before walking out of the building.
"You there! Halt!" Jack turned around as he reached the gate to the camp, sighing as he spotted Hans' right hand men.
"Ah, Captain, where are you going?"
"To burn these." Jack said, holding up the clothes whilst faking a German accent.
"And why is your hair darker?"
"Ze American dog... He threw something at me. It's the new trick you see, to stop the Aryan race taking over."
"Ze fiends!" The two Privates let Jack go, and once out of sight, Captain Harkness pressed his vortex manipulator and within a few seconds was gone.
"You're back! Nice uniform!" the barman commented.
"Your usual?" Jack nodded.
"You wouldn't believe the day I've had..."
The morning after Jack had escaped, Captain Hans Liebemann was woken by Oppenheimer and Kaminski, who were both wondering where the prisoner was. Hans, having no recollection of the night before whatsoever, just looked at the two men feeling very confused.
"The one we caught last night... Vot happened to your clothes?"
"I'm wearing it?" The blonde asked before looking down at himself to find that he was indeed wearing very little.
"And why are you handcuffed to a chair?" Sure enough, he was indeed handcuffed to the chair, and a small note had been left, simply saying 'sorry'.
"Vot prisoner?" he repeated.
"The one that looked just like you..." Kaminski began, before realising what must have happened. "Oh sh..."