Title: All The Lives That Could've Been Saved
Author: Sapphire Smoke
Beta: Frass
Fandom: Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Rating: M
Pairing(s): Buffy/Faith
Timeline: Right after "Enemies" (Season 3)
Summary: It's easy for someone to manipulate you if deep down you want them too.
A/N: Not the happiest fic in the world, but whatever. lol

"You'll be alright, right Buffy?"

Willow's voice floods through the phone line, jerking Buffy out of her thoughts. She cradles the phone to her ear as she sits on her bed, pulling her legs towards her chest. No, she wasn't going to be alright. Nothing was ever going to be alright. But she keeps her voice in check when she tells her friend, "Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just… exhausted." It's an easy enough lie and Willow might buy it. There's silence for a little while as Buffy stares at the wall across from her at her Backstreet Boys poster.

Life was so much simpler when her biggest worry was one of her favorite boy bands splitting up. Now her biggest worry is the end of the world. There should have been some kind of happy medium and Buffy feels a bit gypped. Either that or basically thrown to the wolves.

"He was just acting," Willow tries to convince her, though doesn't even seem too convinced herself. It doesn't help matters any further and Buffy really doesn't want to talk about it. She just wants to go all 'Dear Diary, Faith's a massive traitorous slut' right now and wallow in her misery with a tub of Rocky Road and some chick flick that's sure to make her cry a river as long as the Mississippi. It wasn't about Angel, not really. He… he did what he had to, right? She can't really blame him for that even though it makes her chest feel like it's tightening beyond her control. She feels like she's suffocating slowly; painfully.

But it wasn't Angel. She can deal with that, hopefully. She can be the big girl, the strong girl, move on from the pain of that and chalk it up to duty and destiny and everything else the Council used to shove down her throat. Not that this had anything to do with the Council, so maybe she should care a bit more.

What was tearing her up inside was Faith. It wasn't like they were friends or even close to anything of that sort. They never did the sleepover thing, never talked about boys and braided each other's hair. She was no Willow, she wasn't even a Xander. Wasn't close to a Cordelia, though that's probably a good thing. Faith wasn't close to her in any kind of way like that but yet Buffy feels like suddenly she's missing a part of herself; that the part that ran away decided it would be fun to stab her in the gut a few dozen times, before cackling off madly into the darkness, laughing at her as she bleeds to death on the floor.

Alright, that was dramatic.

But maybe something like this called for drama. It just hurt. It hurt her so much. Faith might not have ever been her friend, probably no thanks to her, but she was… she was her other half. The psychotic murderous half… but her other half none the less. Her other half that turned on her; looked her in the eye and spat on her like she was nothing when her eyes screamed that Buffy was her everything.

Buffy wasn't stupid, she knew Faith needed her. She needed her as a friend, maybe her only friend, and Buffy tried to be one for her but it was just too hard. Faith was defensive, closed off, scared to let anyone in. Maybe she should have tried harder. Maybe she should have invited her out more, maybe she should have taken the time to talk to her more, even though most of the time trying to talk to Faith was the equivalent of talking to a brick wall. Only you'd probably get more out of a wall.

It was too hard for Buffy so she just left it alone. She left her alone and look what happened. This was her fault.


"Sorry," Buffy apologizes automatically, trying to shake herself out of her thoughts. She feigns a yawn, deciding she can't deal with talking anymore even though they've barely had much of a conversation. This was probably how all of this started with Faith anyway. God, if Willow goes insane and tries to destroy the world next, she's giving up on being a friend because she's obviously not very good at it. "I'm tired; I'm going to go to bed. I'll see you in the morning?"

"Yeah… okay," Willow says slowly, trying to figure out what's going on in Buffy's head but seemingly turning up blank. "I'll see you in the morning," she affirms. "Goodnight."

"Night Willow."

Buffy hangs up the phone and cradles it to her chest as she lies down on her bed. She hasn't cried yet over it, though she's not sure if that's a good thing or means that she's broken in some way. She's sure by now that the tightness in her throat should let go any second now as she cries herself to sleep, but all it does is keep squeezing.

She feels so guilty. She feels so angry; at herself, at Angel, at Faith. She keeps replaying the last couple weeks in her mind trying to find out where it all went wrong. The easy answer was Finch but the truth was that it was way before that. Maybe it was right from the beginning when Faith showed up all leather-clad and look at me, I can wrestle alligators naked! Everyone was intrigued by her, everyone was trying to let her fit in. Everyone except Buffy.

Then when she finally did drive all her friends away from Faith she tried to let herself in and by that time Faith didn't trust her, if she ever did in the first place. She had more reason to then though, mainly because it didn't make much sense. Buffy drives her away, makes everyone else drive her away and then suddenly tries to get all buddy-buddy?

It didn't make sense.

Not that she ever was really that buddy-buddy anyway. More like I-can-tolerate-your-presence buddy. Damnit, now she's just making herself look even worse. This is why thinking about this stuff is a bad idea. Thinking about Faith is always a bad idea.

Faith made her feel funny, or maybe it was more like Faith made her feel, period. She could feel Faith and Faith could feel her; it was like they were connected. Maybe it scared her. Maybe that's why she was so determined to push her away and when she finally did try to get closer she gave up too soon. Getting closer to Faith meant the feelings got stronger and Buffy didn't know how to handle them. She didn't want another half; she had Angel for that.

Not like that future is looking so bright either though.

Buffy just felt empty right now. Betrayed. Lost. Sad. She has this big battle coming up and someone who was supposed to be on their side is now pitching for the other team. It makes her want to scream, cry, lash out, but she can't move. Her throat continues to tighten and yet the tears won't fall. She feels trapped.

Buffy picks herself off of her bed slowly, moving across the room to put away the cordless. She runs a shaky hand through her hair and takes a deep breath, deciding that maybe sleeping would make all the nightmares go away, if only for a minute. She makes her way to her closet and pulls out her pajamas, feeling like they're mocking her. They're such a normal thing: pajamas. Normal, unlike her life. Normal, unlike this entire situation.

She could have sworn one of the flying pigs on her bottoms just stuck their tongue out at her, but she blinks and it's normal again. It's got to be a trick of the light; otherwise she's really going crazy or maybe just has demonic PJs. Neither scenario sounds like much fun right now. If she has to fight her evil pajamas she really might just break down and cry about her life.

Buffy pulls off her shirt, her bra following closely behind. As she pulls down her pants, the material sticking to her a bit as it reminds her of the long day she had, she suddenly feels a familiar tickle that runs all the way down her spine to her core. She feels her body heat up, though whether that was from the feeling or the embarrassment she's starting to get as she realizes who's near, she's not sure. She turns around quickly, startled as her eyes land on Faith who's perched quite comfortably on her window sill.

Buffy's eyes widen, her brain not entirely processing what's going on until Faith noticeably leers at her as she looks her over. Buffy grabs the closest article of clothing she can find, her PJ pants, and holds them up to her chest, covering herself.

"Way to block the view, B," Faith says with a smirk as she climbs inside. She doesn't come any closer though, and Buffy's left to stare at her, finally finding her brain and turning it on. Right, now would be a good time to realize she's not a hallucination.

Faith is all poise and confidence as she stands across the room from Buffy. It's one of those things that she's always tried very hard not to notice, only because it makes her feel a little weird. Even though Faith has been the perfect picture of schizophrenia lately, it never took away from the fact that she was beautiful. That thought makes Buffy angry, though mostly at herself for even thinking something like that.

"Get out of my house," Buffy warns, surprising herself at how convincing that actually ended up sounding as it fell from her lips, despite the lump in her throat that's getting progressively worse.

"What, no hug? Come on, now you're just hurting my feelings," Faith says in that annoying little way she does that makes everything she says sound like one big joke. Well ha, ha. Buffy isn't finding the funny.

"Get out before I throw you out."

Faith just snorts a little in amusement before walking towards one of the shelves on Buffy's wall. Her fingertips trail down the length of it, her eyes scanning the many stuffed animals that adorn it curiously. "You're like a fuckin' five year old," she states, looking over her stuff.


"Ya got any Barbies?" Faith asks suddenly, a little taunt in her voice as her eyes finally meet hers. "Bet you were one of those kids who learned about sex by putting Barbie and Ken together and rubbin' their lack of naughty bits against each other, huh?" Her tongue snakes out against her lips suggestively as she eyes up the blonde. Buffy narrows her eyes, ignoring the pounding in her chest.

Buffy was nervous, but it's not like she's going to let Faith know that. It isn't about being scared; she knows she can kick Faith's ass all the way out the door if she has to. No, what was making her nervous was that Faith didn't seem like she came looking for a fight. Buffy's not exactly sure how to handle that or the fact that Faith seemed to be dangerously flirting with her… again. Buffy finds herself torn by not wanting her to stop and wanting to smash her face in for starting in the first place.

This was why things were always confusing with Faith.

"You came all the way over here to make fun of me because of my childhood toys?" Buffy asks indignantly, pushing all other thoughts out of her mind. "Are we in middle school now?"

Faith smirks at her, her eyes sweeping down her form again, making Buffy become increasingly aware of her half naked state. She'd turn around and throw on a shirt but turning her back to Faith didn't seem like a good idea. Neither did letting Faith get a glimpse of her breasts if she tried to put one on while facing her. She just holds the pajamas to her chest tighter.

"So ya got any?"


"Barbies, B. Keep up."

Buffy looks at her like she has no idea what to make of her. The pounding in her chest is becoming more predominant and her mouth is starting to get a little dry. Fighting she can handle, but this? What the hell is this? Some kind of game? "No," she tells her, finally. "You want to let me in on why you're here or are you just planning to bore me to death all night?"

Faith just looks amused as she walks over to Buffy's bed and sits down. Buffy's eyes go wide. "Get off my bed."

"You know what the problem is about Barbies, B?" Faith asks, completely ignoring Buffy's demand to not sit on her furniture. The question also seems to be rhetorical since she goes on, "Parents, right? They give you this doll. The most popular doll in the world who's supposed to be this picture of perfection. Cause that's what Barbie is, right? Some kind of fuckin' beauty queen. It's what all of us are supposed to wanna look like. And it kinda fucks with ya, y'know? So here you are, this scrawny kid who don't know which way's up and which way's down, just tryin' to fit in the world and be happy with who you are, when all of a sudden you get shown that you ain't worth jack cause you don't look like some damn doll who's got tits that are half the size of her fuckin' head."

"Why the hell are we talking about Barbies?" Buffy asks, not following any of this at all. Maybe not being able to wrap her mind around the fact that Faith just said something that was mildly insightful for once either, even though she's half convinced that Faith is using Barbie as a metaphor for her.

Faith goes on, ignoring her. "But here's the funny part," Faith says with a smile and a little twitch of her eyebrow as she leans back on her elbows, looking at Buffy. "The funny part is that all these bitches try to look like something that ain't even real. That all these little girls grow up thinkin' that that's how they need to look to be happy when the real kicker is that Barbie can never be happy."

"And why is that, F?" Buffy asks, playing along for a moment since she doesn't know what else to really do. She's half convinced she fell asleep on the bed earlier and is in some kind of weird dream since Faith's talking… a hell of a lot. The fighting is supposed to kick in any time now.

Yup… any time now…

Buffy has the fleeting urge to just deck her in the jaw and start their dance since that's something she can handle, but Faith's lips curl into a smirk and she's talking again before Buffy has a chance, "Barbie ain't anatomically correct. She can't ever experience that one real moment of pleasure and happiness cause oops! She ain't got the equipment."

"Is there a point to all of this?"

"The point?" Faith asks, her anger coming out a bit as she sits up, now choosing to lean forward on her knees to look at Buffy. "The point is that you and all your little buddies think I'm so fuckin' unhappy when the truth is? I get everything I need to make me happy. Real happiness ain't about lookin' like a supermodel and livin' in Barbie's beach house surrounded by a bunch of other fuckin' plastic people. Real happiness only comes once you fall off the edge; it's short, it's fast, and it's got you comin' so fuckin' hard you don't even know what your name is anymore."

Buffy feels her face heat up a bit by the way Faith looks at her when she says that, almost like she wants to devour her. She takes a step back, but only to keep herself from taking a step forward. Damnit, Faith needs to leave. This is getting her all kinds of confused. "If you really think having an orgasm is the only kind of happiness there is then I feel bad for you, Faith."

"Nah, Twinkie. It's you I feel bad for," Faith tells her. She turns her head to the side, almost as if studying her, but it only makes her seem more insane by the look in her eye. "You think love can conquer all, you think your friends will always be there. I'm just waitin' for the day one of them turns around and stabs you right in the fuckin' back."

"One of them already did," Buffy says quietly.

"Fuck you," Faith says suddenly, her anger rising again as she gets herself off of the bed and comes toward her. She points in her face to get her words across, but Buffy doesn't back down. "Don't fuckin' insult my intelligence by even suggesting that I was ever your friend. Second string; second rate, baby."

"That's not what you were."

"No?" Faith asks, her little smile of mocking amusement spreading across her features. "You don't think? Because we spent so much girl time together, right? Goin' to movies and havin' girly sleepovers. Really, I don't know how I confused that with anything else."

"Fine," Buffy says, her voice even. "Fine. I messed up, alright? Is that what you want to hear? That I'm sorry I didn't invite you out with us? That I'm sorry I never got to know you? Well I am sorry, okay? But me not including you in my life doesn't give you the right to think that you can play God since you're a Slayer. You don't get to choose who lives and who dies and it doesn't give you the right to betray everything you're supposed to be fighting for!"

"It gives me every right!" Faith screams, and for once Buffy's glad her mother is working late. She doesn't even want to begin to think about how ugly this could turn if her mother came in here right now.

"Do you even listen to yourself speak?" Buffy yells right back. "How do you figure that I'm that important?!"

"Oh, 'cause it's always about you, right?"

"That's what you just said!" Buffy screams, her frustration getting the best of her. She still didn't know why Faith was here, what the point of all of this was. "You just told me that it was because I was never your friend that you felt like you needed to destroy the world! Do you even know how insane that sounds?!"

"You'll never get it," Faith tells her, her eyes flashing. "You'll never fuckin' get it cause you can't take your head out of your ass for a minute to see what the hell is in front of you!"

"Well then tell me!" Buffy cries, just trying to make something better if she can. Make all the hurt go away for once. "Tell me what the hell it is I can't see so I can just understand!"

"Just defeats the fuckin' purpose, B," Faith says in an even tone, stepping away from her finally. "Besides," she says as she walks over to the window again, looking out. Buffy watches her; suddenly Faith looked so vulnerable. "You don't wanna get it. You don't wanna understand," she tells her softly.

"Yes, I do…"

Faith laughs then, turning to face her again. "'Cause you cared so much last time, right?"

Buffy just stares at her for awhile, noticing her palms have become sweaty as she holds her pajamas up to her chest. Her arm was starting to feel cramped from the tight hold but she doesn't drop her arm. She can't. "Why are you here, Faith?" Buffy asks quietly.

Faith looks at her in a way that Buffy can't distinguish before it's masked with indifference. Then she smirks, choosing to flop right back down on her bed. Buffy's pretty sure she's gonna have to burn the sheets later. "Just givin' ya one last chance to try to sway me to your side. But I dunno, B. I mean, the Mayor gives me cookies." She flashes a sarcastic smile before leaning back on her elbows. "Don't know what you can offer me to top that."

Buffy looks at her in disbelief, "Let's see, maybe we could help you get rid of that fast track ticket to hell?"

Faith makes a sound like a buzzer before, "Wrong. Try again. And don't spew bullshit at me about redemption and all that other crap; it ain't what I'm after."

"Are you saying you want me to bribe you to come back?" Buffy says in disbelief. She really doesn't even know why she's entertaining any kind of possibility of Faith coming back at all. It's probably her guilt though; it's a pesky little nuisance sometimes. That and the whole 'doing what's right' thing. Sometimes it sucks to be the good Slayer. "'Cause I'm not giving you my college fund."

Faith laughs like that's the funniest thing in the world and Buffy just stares at her. When Faith seems to have calmed down she tells her, "Nah, I don't want your money. But you do have to say the magic word."

"Please?" Buffy asks, confused. Faith looks like she's gonna burst out laughing about but controls it. Buffy seriously wants to throw her out the window, but decides against it. In some way, this is kind of intriguing to her. Faith's never been much of a talker.

"Alright, we'll make this easy," Faith says, that cocky arrogant tone coming back. "I know you want me to come back. You wanna be the hero who subdued the untamable and helped minimize the threat to humanity… fuckin' whatever. You wanna drag me in there and say 'lookie what I did' and have everyone be all proud of you. Maybe you're even feelin' a bit guilty. Whatever. Honestly? Don't give a fuck about your reasoning; I just know you got it. So the question is… how much are you willin' to get what you want, B?"

"What do you want?" Buffy asks carefully.

"Ah ah, you didn't answer my question." Faith gives her a little finger wag like she's being naughty and Buffy has the urge to break it. Her eyes flash, this is getting ridiculous. She really should have kicked her ass out the door twenty minutes ago but yet something is stopping her. Maybe it's because of the topic of discussion or maybe it's just because the hum she feels when Faith's around is almost comforting, she doesn't know. The Slayer connection might be affecting her judgment, but that would be nothing new.

"You know, it sounds like you want to come back but don't know how to say it."

"Wrong again. Frankly? Couldn't give a shit less what side I'm on right now. My beef ain't with anyone else but you, so either you give me what I want and fix it or you don't and I'm out. Take your pick; clocks ticking."

"Well what the hell do you want? Jesus, Faith. I'm not a mind reader!" Buffy snaps.

"For starters I think I need you to drop the PJ bottoms," Faith states like it's the most natural thing in the world. Buffy blinks before her eyes go wide. Why the hell does Faith want her to do that? So she can mock her? Make fun of her cause her boobs are so much smaller than hers? What the hell? No! She's not going to just stand her and be tormented.

Buffy clutches them tighter to her chest, looking down for a second to check that she really is completely covered. She is. "I'm not going to stand here in my panties while we have this discussion, Faith." She doesn't look at her when she says it, feeling the blush creep up from her neck when she has a brief thought about how it might not be such a bad thing to stand there half naked in front of Faith.

Oh god, what's happening to her?

"Who says we're having a discussion?" Faith asks with a smirk. "Drop the bottoms, B. How badly do you want me back?"

Buffy knows she's manipulating her. Faith's never been really good at hiding ulterior motives. She knows she's just pushing her; seeing how far she's willing to go. She wants to see how much Buffy is willing to do to get her back. And maybe it's sick and twisted and it has nothing to do with the end result, but she wants it. It sounds so simple, compared to what she's sure will be what she really wants. Buffy's still not convinced it isn't money. But she does want her back.

Not to show off, not to be the good Slayer. It's all down to how much guilt is eating away at her insides. How much pain and hurt can be caused if she lets Faith go back to the Mayor. How that's just going to pile even more guilt on her shoulders because she knew that right now she might have a chance to stop it. If she lets Faith go after this and she kills again… that blood is on her hands. She can't live with that.

She looks up at her. "I want your word that you're going to come back."

"Cross my heart and hope to die, Princess," Faith says with a wicked grin. She leans forward a little, licking her bottom lip slightly. "You do what I want and I'm all yours from now until the day I die."

"What's the catch?" Buffy asks, still wary.

"Thought that much was obvious: doin' what I want. Ain't nothing else besides that, babe."

"Yeah, I know that, but what do you want?" Buffy asks again, just needing to know what she has a choice between.

"First, drop the PJs. Getting' tired of lookin' at you like that," Faith says in almost a bored tone. "This is called a test run; take it or leave it." She waves her hand at her, almost like she's commanding the clothes to leave Buffy's body with a single flick of her hand. Buffy narrows her eyes.

She knows she's going to regret this.

She can blame it on her lack of judgment or maybe she can blame it on her temporary insanity, but Buffy relaxes her fingers and the article of clothing slips from her grasp slowly before falling to her feet. Part of her just wants to see how Faith will react to her and she knows she's playing on dangerous territory but yet she can't find it in herself to stop. She can feel herself blushing as she watches Faith's pupils dilate in almost shock that she actually did what she said. Much more interested now, she leans forward. Buffy tries to cross her arms over her chest self consciously but Faith makes a sound of disapproval and Buffy huffs and lets her arms drop to her sides.

This is humiliating.

"Well?" Buffy asks, angry from her embarrassment. "Now what? Are you just going to sit there and perv out on me all night?" She tries not to think about how maybe she wants Faith to perv out on her a little and instead focuses on how this is supposed to feel – humiliating. This is bad, right? Faith staring at her half naked is definitely in the realm of bad.

"Oh you have no idea," Faith says with a chuckle and it sets off alarm bells in Buffy's head. Big gongs of you need to run the away, now! This is getting a little too real! and yet she's rooted to the spot as Faith's eyes take in every inch of her body. She can feel the connection between them; the tingles deepen. It makes her shudder a bit as she realizes all the idle thoughts in her head might start becoming a reality. It scares her a little. "Turn around," Faith tells her.

"I'm not going to put my back to you, Faith," Buffy snaps, irritated with this entire situation because she doesn't know what to do; she's not in control here. Faith is. And for some reason Buffy's just letting her be.

Yeah, this can't be good. There's something really wrong with her brain, she should probably trade it in for a new one. Are there shops for that?

"Relax, Twinkie. I ain't gonna shank ya or nothin'." Faith holds up her pinkie almost mockingly, "Pinkie swear." She wiggles it a little to get her point across with a smirk.

Buffy raises an eyebrow. "You pinkie swear?" she asks like it's absurd. Coming from Faith, it kind of is.

Faith shrugs. "No, just thought you did. Seriously, I ain't gonna hurt ya. Turn around for me, B." Her voice is lower, less threatening. It doesn't put Buffy at ease but it makes her trust her a little bit more. Then again, starting from no trust and going up to only a little doesn't get her much farther. But she doesn't see any malice in her eyes for once so she slowly turns, facing her back towards the younger girl.

She can hear Faith get up and her whole body stiffens, alert in case she tries anything, hearing Faith approach her. Buffy's breathing has picked up, nervous about whatever the hell Faith's trying to do. She jumps a little while she feels Faith touch her, but stays still afterwards. Not out of being relaxed, but out of being shocked. Faith's hands slide around her waist and pull Buffy back towards hers. Buffy can do nothing else but stare at the wall, until her eyes widen as she feels the brunette's lips on her neck.

Conflicting thoughts of 'Bad, bad, bad!' and 'Good, good, good!' rush through her mind and make her feel a bit dizzy. She settles on bad, but in a really, really good way. Oh no.

"W-What are you doing?"

"What's it look like I'm doin'?" Faith asks in a husky tone as her lips burn a path across her sensitive flesh.

"You're…" Buffy starts, finding that her voice is shaking. She coughs a little, trying to clear it. "You're… kissing me…"

"Ten points for the blonde," Faith says with a throaty laugh by her ear. Buffy can feel it go all the way down her spine and it makes her shiver, though she's not really sure it's because she's nervous anymore. Faith's fingers are dragging along her panty line and her skin is heating up.

"Why?" Buffy asks softly, not even sure if she wants to know the answer.

"You know what I want, Buffy," Faith tells her, her lips pressed against the blonde's ear. Buffy closes her eyes at the feeling, knowing that her hands are probably shaking right now. This was not what she was expecting. She doesn't know if she can do this. She doesn't know why Faith wants to do this. She also don't know why part of her wants to do this either.

"You… y-you…" but she can't get the words out and Faith lets out a soft laugh before grabbing a fist full of Buffy's hair. She pulls, but it's not hard, merely guiding Buffy's head back and giving Faith more access to her neck. When Buffy feels Faith's tongue trail quickly from the base of her neck to the tip of her ear she can't help but gasp at the feeling even though every bone in her body is screaming at her that this is wrong.

"Say it," Faith demands huskily, her breath tickling Buffy's ear.

"Y-You want to…"

"Say it."

Buffy takes a sharp inhale of breath as Faith's hands start traveling slowly up her stomach. "You want to have sex with me…" she manages, her voice not trembling for once. Her eyes flutter closed as Faith's fingertips trail under her breasts, making her bite her lip to keep herself from making any kind of sound of approval even though it's trying to force its way out of her throat.

It's not Faith, it can't be. It's just what she's doing that's turning her on. It would turn any sane person on, right? But it's not because of her; it'll never be because of her. It's just her fingers and her tongue that's, oh god, in her ear right now!

Buffy bites on her lower lip so hard it almost splits and Faith chuckles softly. "So you game? You play like a good girl for me and I'll play like one for you and all your little friends later." Her fingertips blaze a trail up her breasts and around Buffy's nipples that aren't listening to her brain when she tells them to not react. "We got a deal?"

Buffy wants to tell her no. That she's not a prostitute and she doesn't trade sexual favors just to get someone to fight the good fight. She wants to turn around and push her off and beat her to a pulp for touching her like she owns her. But she can't. She can't just let Faith walk out of here and kill someone else. She can't let her walk out of here and help some monster destroy the world.

Her pride means a lot to her… but it doesn't mean more than someone's life. At least, that's what she's going to keep telling herself and ignore the burning fire in the pit of her stomach that's begging for Faith's touch.

No, no that part really doesn't exist right now. This is all Faith's doing, Faith's fault… right? Damnit, she can barely think anymore with Faith doing that thing she's doing with her tongue that's making her feel like she's going to faint.

"Your word," Buffy replies breathlessly. "Again, I want to hear it."

"I promise," Faith whispers in her ear as her palms slide over Buffy's nipples, making Buffy groan a bit in the back of her throat. She can feel Faith smile against her skin. "So… deal? Remember B, you're gonna have to be a good girl for me… anything I want."

Buffy swallows hard. She really doesn't like where that could lead since Faith doesn't exactly have a shy sex life, but she relents, praying to anyone who will listen that this will work out and that her sanity will be intact when this is all over. "…Deal," she whispers. She can feel Faith's smile widen triumphantly.

"Take off your panties."

Buffy takes a hesitant breath as her shaking hands come up to loop around her panties. She can feel Faith step back from her, she can hear her getting out of her own clothes and she closes her eyes, hoping this will be over quick so she doesn't have to think too extensively about the feeling of lust that's humming beneath the surface, getting louder each passing second. She pulls her underwear down quickly, figuring it's kind of like ripping off a Band-Aid and she steps out of them. She doesn't turn around, she doesn't think she can. Her whole body feels hot as every inch of her becomes flush from embarrassment and a little bit of need.

Yeah, she's in so much trouble here.

"Never tell anyone about this," Buffy whispers.

"Don't worry about me, don't really care who knows about this. Long as I get to do it," Faith says with a distinct leer in her voice. "Now turn around."

Buffy takes a deep breath as she slowly turns to face the rogue slayer. Her breath catches in her throat though when her eyes finally land on her. Faith had always been beautiful; it was obvious to anyone with eyes. But there was something different about seeing her standing there in front of her, completely naked with so much lust and control in her eyes. Buffy realizes she's been staring at her intimate parts a bit too intently and blushes again before she looks down at the ground.

"No need to be shy, B," Faith says with a hint of amusement. She backs up a little and sits on the bed, bringing her legs up and spreading them for her. "You wanna look; look." Buffy still doesn't look at her though, choosing to stare intently at her rug instead. She can live in denial about her lesbian tendencies if she just stares at something that isn't breasts or… other parts. "Look at me, Buffy," Faith says, though this time sounding more like a demand.

Buffy tears her eyes away from the floor with great difficulty before they land on the dark slayer. Her eyes go wide as she sees Faith spread out very unashamedly in front of her, almost putting herself on display. Jesus Christ. She definitely wasn't ready for that one.

Faith seems to like her reaction though and bites her bottom lip softly before running her hand down her stomach before slipping them between her wet folds. Buffy's eyes are as wide as saucers and she can't look away even if she tried to. "I'm so fuckin' wet," Faith drawls slowly before she uses two of her fingers to spread herself open for the blonde.

Buffy's pretty sure she just swallowed her tongue. She knew Faith was experienced in the bedroom, but she didn't think she'd ever be this… raunchy. Though now that she thinks about it, she really shouldn't be surprised. This is Faith after all.

"You know what I want you to do, B?" Faith asks, her voice dripping with sex and something so much sweeter. She slides a finger inside of herself and then back out, spreading her juices around her clit. Buffy can see her wetness glint softly under her bedroom light. Yeah, Buffy can't breathe anymore. "I want you to get down on your knees and use that sweet little mouth of yours to make me come all over you."

Yup, breathing is definitely a big issue now.

She doesn't know how to do that! She barely even knows how to do that with a guy, let alone a girl! Faith can sense the hesitation and nervousness though, but it's not like she's going to get her off the hook. "Come here," she says. "Kneel down. It ain't hard. Think about when you fuck yourself with your fingers after a good slay… all those buttons you press? Just do that on me… only with your tongue."

God, she better be saving at least ten people's lives for this.

Buffy knows she's shaking like a leaf because of her nerves and she also knows she's losing pretty much every shred of dignity she ever had by doing this, but she slowly gets to her knees. She's kneeling in front of Faith, who has now moved her ass up a couple inches to be hovering on the edge of the bed. Her sex is so close to Buffy's face that she's pretty sure she might faint. She can smell her in the air, see every tiny detail and she knows it's gonna be burned in her memory whether she wants it to be or not.

She can't believe she's really going to do this. She can't believe part of her wants to do this. When did she become so utterly submissive?

Buffy looks up at Faith, knowing she looks really vulnerable and hating every second of it, but Faith just seems to eat it up. Buffy brings her hands to Faith's thighs, spreading her legs a little wider, gently. A grin forms on Faith's face. "That's it Buffy… come on… be a good girl…"

Buffy is so gonna kick her ass for this later, her on the side of good or not. Well, at least after they kill the Mayor. Priorities. Killing a demon still ranks higher than Faith killing her straight-as-an-arrow sexuality.

It's scaring her how much she finds that she almost needs to do it. Faith smelled so good, better than anything she's ever smelled before and part of her is actually curious about how she tastes. Damnit, she's gonna need so much therapy after this. She's starting to think that she might actually be a little bit gay. This was not her ideal coming out of the closet scenario. Not that she's ever thought extensively on the matter.

Buffy takes one last look at Faith before leaning in slowly, her tongue trailing briefly across Faith's clit for a taste. Faith moans softly, closing her eyes and it makes Buffy become a little bolder. She flicks the tip of her tongue against her sensitive flesh before taking it in her mouth, sucking gently. Faith gasps and pushes her hips towards her face, "Fuck, Buffy… yes…"

Buffy is still scared like hell, but her humiliation is starting to fade by each gasp that falls from the brunette's lips. She's clearly enjoying it. Buffy has never actually had anyone go down on her before, the only person she ever had sex with was Angel and he didn't exactly make time for that before he went all 'grr' and started a massacre. By the way Faith's acting though; it seems like it's something that feels really good.

She has the fleeting hope that maybe Faith will do it to her, but then she wants to smack herself for even thinking that. She shouldn't want Faith to do anything to her. She might have gay thoughts every now and then but she's not completely gay.

Yes, she's overlooking the gay factor of her eating out another woman right now. Let her.

Buffy tentatively reaches up and spreads Faith's folds to get more access and Faith groans low in her throat, "Mmm... that's right, spread me… fuck, B…"

Buffy's never been one to really like dirty talk which is probably why she never really liked porn. She never saw the point of having an announcer during sex, but Faith seems to be all for it. She doesn't complain though, mainly because she's not exactly in a position to. That, and complaining would make her take her tongue off of Faith and she's pretty sure she doesn't want to do that.

Her lips wrap around Faith's clit again, sucking gently before she slides her tongue lower, sliding deep inside Faith and drinking up all the darker slayer has to offer her. Faith moans hard and thrusts her hips into her again, panting slightly as Buffy teases inside of her with the tip of her tongue. Buffy was surprised at how good she tasted and tries like hell to pretend that she hates it. The truth is though she kind of likes the way Faith is moaning and panting for her, she likes the way Faith's letting her have a part of her that's so intimate. And yeah, she did taste really good.

Again; so much therapy is going to be needed after this. Her denial is starting to fade away into nothing.

Previous nervousness aside, Buffy gets to work on getting Faith off. Alternating between sliding her tongue deep inside of her and going back up to tease her clit has Faith gasping for air very quickly as she teeters on the edge. Her hands are grasping the bed sheets and she's calling out Buffy's name with every lick, every thrust inside of her. Then finally her body tenses, her walls clamping around Buffy's tongue before they contract and she screams; releasing into Buffy's mouth with no remorse.

Buffy takes every drop she has to offer her hungrily, finding she can't get enough of the taste of Faith. As Faith comes down from her high she licks her softly, milking out every last drop. When she finally pulls away she uses one hand to help herself off the floor to stand over Faith who's lying back on her bed, looking at the ceiling with a dirty smirk on her face.

"Mmm… knew your mouth had to be good for something, B."

Buffy's eyes narrow, remembering again who the hell she was with. She folds her arms across her chest indignantly. Faith looks over at her finally and smirks at the sight of her. "Come here," she tells her. Buffy stands there for a few seconds defiantly until Faith raises an eyebrow. Buffy rolls her eyes and crawls on the bed towards her. "No," Faith says, holding up her hand as she sits up. "Turn away from me, but stay on your hands and knees. I want to look at that sweet little cunt from behind."

Buffy's eyes go wide, but she says nothing. She just sets her jaw and turns away from her, staying on her hands and knees. "Spread your legs wider, Twinkie. Gotta get a good look," Faith taunts her, and Buffy resists the urge to kick out her leg and have it connect with her face. She wasn't a porn star! But she still spreads her legs wider, feeling the heat from her embarrassment flush through her body as she puts herself on display for Faith.

Now she better be saving twenty lives for this. She wasn't sex, this was… porn.

"Well look at that," Faith says, that taunt still coloring her words. Buffy can feel her behind her but still yelps a little in surprise as Faith's fingers slide through her folds quickly. "You're all wet," Faith observes like it's the most amusing thing in the world. "If I didn't know any better I'd say you like this, B. I knew you'd be one to get off on being dominated."

"Go to hell." She didn't need Faith mocking her. She already felt stupid enough for actually liking this on some level.

"Temper," Faith warns. "We wouldn't want to push me back to the Mayor now, would we?" Buffy doesn't have to see her to know she's smirking. Damn her. Damn this. Her hands grasp the bed sheets, curling her fingers into fists. She stays still though. She wants Faith to touch her more and if she lashes out she knows that isn't going to happen.

Thirty people. It's going have to be thirty now.

But she feels herself shudder at Faith's next touch as she cups her from behind. Buffy lets out a breath she didn't know she'd be holding as Faith presses against her, her middle finger connecting hard with her clit, making Buffy have to bite her bottom lip to stifle a moan.

"You like that, don't you?" Faith taunts her, pressing against her deeper. "You act like you're so perfect and innocent yet your pussy is just beggin' me to fuck you good and hard. You're practically dripping."

Buffy closes her eyes, willing herself not to say anything. Just to let Faith do what she wants to do. Let Faith do what Buffy actually wants her too, though she'll never say it out loud. The younger woman's touch is like fire dancing across her sensitive flesh and she knows she wants more even though she knows how completely wrong it is for her to want that.

"Tell me, B," Faith goes on, her voice dripping with arousal. "Tell me how bad you want me to fuck you right now."

"Faith, don't—" Buffy tries to plead, tries to tell her that she doesn't want to say it out loud and make it real, but she's interrupted.

"Come on Buffy. Tell me what you want me to do to you. Tell me!"

Her voice is commanding and it sends a shiver down Buffy's spine, but not because of fear. She finds herself getting wetter at each command and god she's never going to be able to afford her therapy bill after this. But she takes a breath and says quietly, "I want you to…"

"Louder, B."

Buffy makes a face of annoyance but says louder, more compliantly, "I want you to fuck me, Faith." She closes her eyes after that, feeling the shame wash over her body like a tidal wave and yet she can't stop herself from adding, "I want you to fuck me so bad it hurts…"

Forty lives need to be saved for this now. Definitely. Hopefully one of those forty will be a psychiatrist and will give her a discount.

Faith lets out a little cackle of victory before suddenly she pushes Buffy forwards, her face colliding with the pillow. Faith wraps her arms around Buffy's waist to keep her up on her knees and spread though, only wanting her upper body lowered to the bed. Then suddenly, without any kind of warning or time to give Buffy to prepare… she licks right up the crack of her ass.

Buffy moans, caught between What the hell is Faith doing?! and Oh my god that feels so good! She doesn't seem to have time to think about much at all though because Faith's fingers are suddenly teasing her clit as her tongue very much goes in the last place Buffy would ever think a tongue would want to go. But Buffy gasps hard, thrusting her hips back towards Faith, the feeling of pleasure from something that would normally squick her turning her on so much more.

Yeah, therapy might be needed after this, but she's got a feeling it might actually be worth the bill now.

Faith comes at her like she would any other situation; hard, fast, and with no care in the world about how anyone else might react. That's usually the kind of thing that Buffy hates about her, but right now she couldn't help but love it just because Faith was giving her more pleasure in the last minute and a half than anyone else has in her entire life. Buffy's hands grip the bed sheets and she cries out as Faith slides two fingers deep inside of her. She doesn't go slow, she doesn't wait for Buffy to adjust, she just takes what she wants from the blonde and Buffy's more than eager at this point to give it up without a fight.

Faith lifts her head up to watch Buffy's face contort in pleasure as she gasps and writhes beneath her. The power and control is obvious in her voice as she demands, "Who's fucking you Buffy? Tell me who's owning your tight little cunt like no one else!"

"Fuck," Buffy pants, eyes shut tight as she rocks her hips against Faith's hand. "You! Oh God…"

"Say my name! Say it, B! I wanna hear you scream it!" Faith demands, her fingers pumping in and out of her at a startling pace that's making Buffy's head go foggy and her knees go weak. The feeling of ecstasy is burning in the pit of her stomach, threatening to explode.

"Faith!" Buffy cries out, her inner walls clenching about the brunette's fingers, pulling her in deeper as he walls start to pulse rapidly. "Oh god, oh god! Oh, Faith!" she screams before her whole body tenses and she has the best orgasm she's ever experienced in her entire life. It rushes through her bloodstream and makes her hair stand on end and as she collapses against the bed she's pretty sure she can't breathe but she can't find it in herself to care.

Maybe she'll knock it down to thirty-five.

Buffy isn't sure how many hours they fucked for, but she lost count after about her third orgasm. For being so mind-blowing it was so detached. Faith would never let her kiss her, probably thinking it was too intimate. Buffy knows what they were doing wasn't about intimacy, that it was about control, power. But she gave Faith what she wanted and in return she was getting another fighter against the Mayor and when that balanced out, Buffy's pretty sure she came out with the better end of the deal.

Except maybe for the fact that she has a flashing neon sign of 'Gay now!' in her face, but she tries to ignore that. She'll deal with that messed up revelation later.

When she wakes up she isn't surprised to find herself alone in the bed. Get some, get gone. That was Faith's motto. She is surprised to find a note though, lying delicately on her pillow. Buffy yawns, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes before she sits up, feeling the physical effects from last night all over her body. If it wasn't for the soreness she would be pretty sure she dreamed the entire thing.

She picks up the note carefully, blinking a bit to have her eyes adjust to the light. Then she feels her stomach drop to the floor.


You should know by now that my word means jack shit. I ain't fighting against him, I can't. I know you're gonna be pissed, thinkin' I used ya but it's not… shit, maybe it is. Fuck it. I dunno.

But it's always been you, B. I know you're gonna think that's fucked up, and maybe it is since I'm running away again, but fuck, it's what I do best right? Run. So just let me. Fight me, try to destroy me, I really don't care. But I can't come back with you.

I ain't gonna say I'm sorry since you won't believe it, but… nevermind. You know.


PS: I took your panties as a souvenir. I wanna remember. Left mine there for you but I know you'll probably burn them.

Buffy can feel the tears well up so fast in her eyes she doesn't have a chance in stopping them. Her grip slacks and the note falls from her fingers, landing in her lap. Part of her knew… part of her knew that this would happen. She could feel it but she chose to ignore it because being with Faith felt too good. Faith was controlling and manipulative and yeah, maybe they didn't make love or even share one tiny moment of real intimacy with each other but Faith was… Faith was her other half. When she was with her she felt whole, even with all the bullshit and all the games.

But this was just another game, wasn't it? 'Not using her'… whatever. That's exactly what she did. She came in and she took what she wanted and then left and nothing changed. Nothing will ever change. A loud sob wracks her chest suddenly and she feels herself breaking. The hot tears spill down her cheeks and splash onto the sheets below her – the sheets where her and Faith…

God, she doesn't want to think about it! She never wants to think about it! This didn't happen!

She struggles to breathe through her tears as she picks up the note and crumples it in her fist before screaming as she throws it as far away from her as she can. She doesn't want to look at it; she doesn't want to think about. She gets herself off the bed, kicking Faith's panties under the furniture furiously before stomping into the bathroom, needing to wash the memory away.

But as she steps on the note as she leaves, she's too upset to notice the tiny words on the back of it that say 'I love you.'