Summary: If there's one thing to cause the champions of Chaos untold grief, it's their access to cyberspace...
Disclaimer: Yeah, I wish I owned it... Maybe then I wouldn't be up to my neck in tuition-debt!
Queen's Quornor: So I finally jumped on the Dissidia fanfic wagon. Well, the thing has only left my PSP once since I bought it on the day it was released! Sooner or later, I should have known the muses would be intrigued! So here I am, taking a break from both original writing and FFVII fanfics to foray into this section. This might turn into another drabble fic, if I can think of enough topics.
Too Much Information
Information was a crucial factor in the many skirmishes between the factions of Cosmos and Chaos. Both sides relied on their collective knowledge of the opposition to turn a potential draw into a victory, and they preferred to know when something about the other side had changed before they engaged in battle.
This was an area in which Chaos' minions were far superior. The heroes of Cosmos had long realized that their enemies were always aware of their locations and alliances, even their personal conflicts and resolutions, but they had no idea how they accumulated the knowledge. It seemed as if they found out almost the second it happened, and efforts to tip the balance through sorcerous means were always countered by the many shields surrounding their foes. Thus the heroes were left utterly confused as to the means by which the enemy was able to monitor their every move, word, and thought.
The reason, simply put, was that most of the would-be heroes looked to the distant, idealized future, one in which nothing ever seemed to change. The minions of Chaos enjoyed a vision with far more technology to oversee their empires.
Somebody had created a computer during one of the world's previous cycles, and ever since the glowing terminal had been a fixture within their stronghold. All of them had access to it, albeit on a first-come basis, and with the computer they kept tabs on Cosmos' chosen.
The computer also gave them a glimpse of the world's past state; in another cycle, somebody had tapped into a program known as "the Internet".
The Internet was always changing, which led them to believe that it was connected to other worlds far removed from their shattered, piecemeal locale. When they were not preoccupied with their multilayered schemes and petty vendettas, the mighty minions of Chaos liked to browse.
Today the Emperor had gotten to the computer before his many counterparts. After monitoring Firion's movements for a time, he had gotten online and sifted through a few of his usual destinations. Now boredom consumed him. He didn't want to relinquish the terminal yet. A ruler did not deign to abandon a position of power unless he deemed it necessary and decided he was good and ready. Bored as he was, Emperor Mateus saw no reason to allow one of his peers use of the computer just yet.
"I wonder if there is anything on here about me," he murmured, typing his name into the search bar.
The Old Chaos Shrine was rocked by a scream of rage. Curious and somewhat alarmed at the sudden noise, the other nine occupants of the shrine made their way to the computer, where the scream had originated. There they discovered the Emperor, who had taken to muttering dire curses at the monitor.
"Something troubles you, Emperor?" Ultimecia asked, slinking forward to peer over his shoulder.
"We are being spied upon," he bit out.
Instantly the others began looking around, readying spells and weapons as they searched for prying eyes. "Cosmos had learned of this computer?" Exdeath rumbled.
"Are her chickens taking on the role of hawks now?" Kuja inquired, spellfire flaring between his fingertips.
"They are not the ones watching us," Mateus told them. "People from other realms know our movements, and our histories."
The tension in the room melted away, replaced by consternation. "How is that possible?" Kefka whined. "We're all alone out here!"
"Isolated, not alone." The Cloud of Darkness flicked an annoyed glare at the clown, idly petting her ever-present serpents.
"More importantly, how is this so infuriating to you, Emperor?" Golbez asked. "The enemy can't use the Internet. The knowledge of people from other worlds concerning us is of little consequence."
"They are using the knowledge to mock us!" Emperor Mateus pointed to the monitor with a condemning finger. "We have nicknames, for one thing."
The others crowded around the Emperor. "Ulti-bitcha!" Ultimecia gasped. "I am not a bitch!"
"My attire does not make me a woman!" Kuja growled.
"'Tall, dark, and girly'?" Sephiroth gritted.
"At least yours is somewhat flattering! Look at mine! 'Old pirate', my ass!" Jecht roared.
"I like yours, Emperor Goldenrod!" Kefka cackled.
The clown folded with an agonized wheeze as a gilded staff slammed into his solar plexis, completely ignored by the other villains.
"We are more concerned by this." The Cloud of Darkness pointed to a section on the webpage labelled "pairings".
"I haven't looked at that yet," the Emperor admitted.
"These other people are pairing us romantically?" Golbez asked, shock evident in his tone.
"Perhaps it refers to alliances," Ultimecia hoped, crossing her fingers.
The link was clicked, and a unanimous outcry arose.
"No pictures!" Garland howled. "Turn the gallery off!"
"Eh, what exactly are you doing with her tentacles?" Kefka asked the shocked sorceress, who was gaping at an artistic rendition of herself and the Cloud of Darkness.
"I'd never do that with my kid!" Jecht yelled.
Kuja and Sephiroth went noticeably pale and put the rest of the group between themselves, unable to look at each other.
"Us? Together?" Mateus considered Ultimecia, then shivered.
"Perhaps you would prefer Terra?" Exdeath asked Kuja, a teasing edge to his deep voice.
"Why don't I get anybody?" Kefka whined. "I wanna have fun, too!"
"They seem to think the Cloud of Darkness is willing to comply," Garland told him, smiling.
"We would never engage in such endeavors!" she hissed.
The Emperor scrolled down idly, prompting a gasp from Kuja. "Who drew me with Zidane?! I'll discover them and direct them to fantastic death scene!"
"I didn't know you had a tail," Kefka mumbled, peering at the wizard's backside. "That's a very interesting use for it, though!"
He shrank back as Kuja turned enraged purple eyes upon him and his hand lit up with a hissing crackle. "Er, never mind."
"At least we're not the only victims." Golbez ignored a picture of himself with Cecil to indicate one of Tidus and Firion.
Jecht snorted. "As if he'd swing that way. Kid barely knows what balls are, let alone how to use 'em!"
"Terra seems fairly popular," Sephiroth noted, examining one of the girl ravishing him with obvious gusto. "She is not well-endowed, but then again there aren't many choices for us."
"So you're not into guys?" Kefka piped up. "I mean, look at how many there are of you and Spike-O!"
The clown went sailing though a wall, and the silver-haired man dusted off his hands. The Emperor quickly scrolled past the numerous homosexual depictions of his most intimidating counterpart and laughed.
"Cosmos with Chaos? How absurd!"
In the back of the group, unseen beneath his helmet, Garland smirked...