Fearless

Author's Note: Rent is not mine. Also, I was a bit confused about the Life Support meeting. Angel tells Collins that they have to hurry because of the meeting when he first finds him. Next, they are shown leaving in the dark. It isn't until Christmas morning when we see them again, and they go to another meeting. I wasn't sure if THAT was the meeting Angel was talking about or what. But for the sake of this, let's just say there's two meetings – one that night, one Christmas morning. Then, we have the other one we all know about where Roger decides to come (yay Roger!)


Summary: Collins' thoughts about Angel and their budding relationship

There's somethin' 'bout the way
The street looks when it's just rained
There's a glow off the pavement
Walk me to the car
And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there
In the middle of the parking lot
Yeah
Oh yeah

He was beautiful. It was the first thought that escaped my mind as he helped me to my feet and lead me down the street. It had rained that night, and the blackened pavement was like polished onyx beneath our feet.

"I have bandages and some ointment back at my apartment," Angel said, his voice like the tinkling of a chime, "but sugar, we have to hurry, I can't be late for tonight."

"H-how long have you been going to Life Support?" I asked, desperate to learn more about this person.

"About two months now," Angel smiled a smile that could light up even the darkest of places, "the people there are so welcoming. It's nice, you know, to feel not quite so alone."

I nodded, and followed him down the pavement. The apartment was far, he had promised. When we finally arrived at the dilapidated building – it wasn't in much better shape than the Loft – Angel paused on the street corner, and smiled up at the brick tower, "That one," he pointed to one of the windows, "is mine."

I turned towards him and for a moment, our eyes latched on to each other, like magnets. I couldn't pull away. He was beautiful as he smiled at me, that sunshine smile, and said, "Come on, love."

Love.

I knew then, at that exact moment, I wanted to grab him in my arms and kiss him.

We're drivin' down the road
I wonder if you know
I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

We walked to the Life Support meeting, arm in arm. Angel had managed to bandage me with a shared bottle of Vodka, some Hello Kitty band-aids, and Neosporin. He had kissed my cheek where a bloody gash had started to congeal.

"It'll make it all better," he promised. Excusing himself, Angel headed towards the bedroom. He reappeared in a floral skirt, red jacket, and white turtleneck. He had applied some light makeup, and was wearing the sexiest black boots I had ever seen.

"What do you think?" He asked, blushing slightly. I suddenly realized he had grown a bit self-conscious. The blush deepened on his cheeks as he waited for me to answer.

"Beautiful," was the first word that came to mind.

"R-really?"

"Really. You're beautiful, Angel."

After, we made our way out onto the cold, New York streets. The meeting was kind of late at night, but Angel had said it didn't matter; most of these people had nowhere else to be.

"We also have a meeting tomorrow."

"On Christmas?"

"I'm going. You can come to. Most of them have no family, Collins, they need someone there."

I didn't think a person's heart could be so big without bursting, but Angel was proving me wrong. We continued down the pavement, Angel patted my arm gently.

"Do you have any Christmas plans? If not, then you can come. I mean, I didn't want to impose this on your or anything, honey."

"Oh no," I shook my head, "I mean, I need to get back and see my roommates, but…"

"That's fine," Angel smiled that sunshine smile again, "We can go see them in the morning and then go to the meeting. I would love to meet them."

"Really?"

"Yes. Tomorrow we will head over first thing!"

"Tomorrow?" It was a question that had been eating at me. What would we do tonight?

"You're staying with me tonight," Angel blushed, "if that's okay."

"More than okay."

"Good," he pushed back a strand of black hair that fallen loosely from the wig behind his ear in the most delicate motion I had ever seen; it gave me goose bumps. God, Ange – I thought to myself – do you know how badly you make me want you?

And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

When we arrived back at the apartment, Angel led me inside. He took off the wig, and sat down on the couch, motioning for me to join him.

"Can I tell you something, Collins?"

I loved the way he said my name with that little accent, making it sound more like 'Callans' than 'Collins.' It was beautiful, just like the rest of him.

"Of course," I said.

"I feel something with you. Now, I don't know what you expect to happen here tonight, sugar, but I just want to take it slow. I've never done anything slow in my life – I've always just jumped right in – but with you, it just feels as if it shouldn't be treated so lightly, that what we have is more special than that."

"You want to take it slow?" I asked; he nodded. The tips of his ears grew a deep shade of crimson – he was embarrassed. I grabbed his chin in between my thumb and index finger, lifted it up to my face, and said:

"Angel, you want slow, I'll give you slow. You want fast, I'll give you fast. Anything you want from me, anything you ask of me, it's yours."

He smiled and thanked me before gasping.

"What, what is it?"

"Listen!"

I did, "I don't hear anything."

"It's beginning to snow!"

"Ange, it snowed earlier tonight and turned to mush the instant it hit the pavement making everything wet and slushy. It's not going to be the pretty kind of snow."

"I don't care," he grabbed my hands, "let's go."

"Go? Go where?"

"Dance in it!"

"You want me to come out and dance in the snow with you?"

"Uh-huh," his whole face lit up, "Remember – anything I want from you is mine, you promised, and I want this!"

So baby drive slow
'til we run out of road in this one horse town
I wanna stay right here in this passenger's seat
You put your eyes on me
In this moment now capture it, remember it

It was dangerous, I knew, but I just couldn't say no to him. He had me wrapped around his little finger, and he knew it. One brief look of sadness in his eyes, and I couldn't take it. What was wrong with me? I had just met him…

I was falling fast – hard – and dangerously.

Angel was suddenly the world to me. I couldn't let him go, I wouldn't let him go.

"Alright fine," I gave in, "I will dance in the snow with you."

Cause I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

"You'll catch a cold," I warned as Angel pulled me out into the middle of the street, "or run over."

"Psh," he scoffed, "a little danger is good for a person. You know, you should do the one thing that scares you daily."

"Eleanor Roosevelt?"

"Impressive," Angel grinned, "come on!"

I gave in, unable to say no to him, and allowed him to take my hands and dance with me amongst the snow flurries. As we danced, Angel tilted his head backwards and laughed the most beautiful laugh with the most beautiful smile.

If I could have captured that moment, I would have, to hold on to, to remember Angel always.

It was imprinted on my heart.

Well you stood there with me in the doorway
My hands shake
I'm not usually this way but
You pull me in and I'm a little more brave
It's the first kiss,
It's flawless,
Really something,
It's fearless.

It was my third Life Support meeting when Roger finally took up our invitation and came. Christmas day, we had invited the two morons, but only Mark had come – surprisingly. Mark wasn't the most comfortable around people like me, like Angel. But he made an effort, and I loved him all the more for that. Despite how happy I was, I wished Roger could have come. He needed to get out of that damn Loft. But I guess everyone should cope at their own speeds.

Anyway, he came to that meeting. Angel and I were there, we had become attached at the hip. He looked gorgeous in that floral skirt, green turtleneck, and I don't even know what the hell was going on with those tights, but he looked drop-dead beautiful.

Afterwards, Mark and Roger went to go help Maureen, the Drama Queen, on her sound system before the protest. I could have kissed them for letting Angel and me be alone.

"It's cold," I said, blushing as we stopped outside of the subway stop,

"Come on," Angel grinned at me.

"Wait," I stopped him, "Are…are we a thing?"

He looked at me, his eyes lighting up like candles, and matter-of-factly said, "Darling, we're everything."

We walked further, dancing, laughing, running, and enjoying being with each other. Finally, we came to a stop, the winter sun shining on us, and I kissed him.

It was the first kiss.

It was flawless.

It was really something.

It was fearless.

Oh yeah
And I don't know how it gets better than this
You take my hand and drag me head first
Fearless
And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress
Fearless

Angel was my everything. He was beautiful, full of joy, and had love so bountiful, it poured over around everyone he was with.

Loving Angel came naturally to me. I was fearless – when I was with Angel, there was no hurt, there was no pain. The first time I ever felt fear was when I saw him worsen. The disease was taking my baby from me, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it.

Angel got worse and worse. The sweats, the shaking, the pain, it was all so sudden. I knew it would happen at some point, but I just didn't think it would be so soon. My time with Angel could not possibly be coming to an end. It couldn't be over. This couldn't be the end. It just couldn't be.

"Sugar, what's wrong?" Angel asked me one evening as I was holding him in my arms. The hospital bed was barely big enough for both of us, but I couldn't let go. I wouldn't let go.

"Shh, rest," I said.

"Tell me," Angel had always been persistent, and wouldn't take no.

"Ang…I'm scared."

"Honey," his voice was like melted sugar, "it's fine to be scared. I'll tell you a secret – I am scared too."

"I can't live without you."

"Collins, don't think about that. Just enjoy the time we do have."

"It scares me thinking of being alone, without you."

"Sugar, I never asked you to be fearless. It's normal to be scared, it's normal to be uncertain. But this I know – I will always love you Thomas Collins. Don't you dare doubt it."


Fin.