A/N: Okay, so it's definitely been a while… my bad. The fact that this story is based on my life hopefully helps you understand why it took a while.Thank you all for being so patient and still messaging me, encouraging me to continue the story. This is for y'all.
Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyers…. I just like adding drama to their lives! : )
Chapter Song: Hopeless by Breaking Benjamin
Silent I go under
I am not afraid
I can see the daylight shine
And slowly drift away
Safe to say it's over
Sink into the grave
There is nothing left inside
But I am wide awake
Time seemed to speed by. I spent the night just internalizing and going over everything that had happened the last three years of my life.
I tried to distract myself with reading or listening to music but found little comfort. I was going crazy. I knew the next day would bring a whole new round of confessions and reactions- whether it is from my parents, James, or even Edward, whom I hadn't spoken to.
When the cloudy morning emerged, I heard my dad leave the house in his cruiser. When I looked out the window I saw he was dressed in his uniform. I tried to look at his face and what stood out was his lack of sleep. Obviously he was worried about his baby girl… if he only knew.
I walked back to bed and tried futilely, yet again, to get some sleep. About an hour later I heard my mom get up. She mentioned last night that she wasn't going in to work today. I was relieved to hear so but at the same time terrified. I felt safer with my mom being in the house. James was supposedly going back to work at Seattle today but I could never be sure. And, if my mom was home, I could really tell her the truth.
I knew that this had to be done. I needed to tell my parents the facts before James would have a chance to say something completely backwards.
I don't know how much time passed but eventually I heard my mom cleaning downstairs and I decided to get up and deal with the mess once and for all. I went and washed my face without looking at the mirror because I felt like crap and who needed the visual to go with it?
When I got downstairs my mom was cooking breakfast. I sat at the table and said a soft good morning to which she only nodded, barely looking at me. We stayed quiet for a couple of minutes and I was trying to figure out how to start this conversation. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she was going to be furious so I didn't have to worry about avoiding that, but it didn't take away the nervousness I felt. Finally I decided to just spit the words out but she interrupted me right when I was about to speak.
"Your dad went to talk to his parents already" she said looking at me. I looked away from her and took a deep breath. With tears rolling down my cheeks I finally talked. "You know he's going to talk right?"
My mom came and sat in the chair in front of me "and what is he going to say Bella?" she asked in a calmed manner.
"That I slept with him" I said looking away. At this moment my heart couldn't possibly go any faster and I couldn't possibly describe what I was feeling at the moment. I was nervous, sad, angry, anxious, and the rest of the feelings just involved puking into a toilet and coiling up in a cave and never coming out.
"Well no one is going to believe him" she said calmly once again, "it's not like it's true" she sounded so sure of what she was saying. The pang in my chest didn't go unnoticed.
I wasn't strong enough to look at her in the eye so I just looked down at my own hands and muttered "yeah it is" I waited for her reaction but at the same time I dreaded it.
"Excuse me?" she yelled as she jumped from her seat. "What did you just say?"
"That I slept with James" I said a little more firmly but still not looking at her.
From my peripheral vision I could see my mom standing near me with her hands on her waist. I knew she was mad. "What. The. Hell. Did. You. Do? She asked but didn't let me answer. "Oh my god, the one thing I've told you over and over not to do and it's the first thing you do! Shit Bella, couldn't you just keep your legs closed? Was the itch that much that you couldn't wait?" she yelled and I heard myself breathing hard and loud and I could feel the tears dripping from my cheeks.
"Look it's not like I wanted it ok? He practically forced me" I muttered.
I got up and starting going up the stairs "No! Get back over here, we're not done talking!" she yelled. I went back down but stood at the entrance of the kitchen. I took a quick look at her and she looked pissed but also like she was about to cry. Once again I felt my heart constrict. This shit is too painful. "So what the hell really happened last night Bella?" my mom asked, ignoring that I had just tried to tell her about the rapes.
"I told you, I told him I didn't want to be with him and he threatened to kill me. He came over and told me to open the door or he would open it himself if I didn't, I got him to calm down and he left thinking it was all good." I finished, skipping all talk about his threat to rape me as well.
My mom stayed quiet and I tried not to look at her but I caved. She was looking back at me but her eyes were glazed over almost as if she wasn't there. I'm sure she was just taking it all in, but then she really looked at me and her eyes narrowed.
"I can't believe you would do this to your family. I can't even look at you right now. Just go to your room Bella, I don't want to see you." She muttered and turned around. I stood there for a couple of seconds and then moved to go upstairs with tears still dripping down my face.
As soon as I reached upstairs the urge to vomit hit me and I ran to the rest room. After I was done emptying the food I hadn't eaten I washed my face although it didn't stop the tears from falling. As I was walking from the restroom to my room I heard my mom on the phone and I'm sure she was talking to my dad just like I knew she would. Well at least I wasn't going to be the one breaking his heart.
When I got to my room I grabbed my phone. I looked at the screen and there were two missed calls from Edward, one from Alice, and a text message from each of them. There were also five missed calls, two voice mails, and two text messages from James.
I looked at the text messages first.
Bella are you ok? – E
Hey Bells, call me when you can, we're worried – A
Baby why aren't you picking up the phone?- J
I meant what I said- J
I quickly replied to Edward's and Alice's text messages.
I'm ok- B
I didn't know what James was talking about but I was sure the voice mails would answer that. I pressed my code in and the voice mails started.
"Good morning babe, I'm not going to Seattle today, I got the day off. Let's do something, I'm bored. My parents are going out later, you could come over and we can have a good time if you know what I mean" the first one ended. I pressed delete and then moved on to the next one.
"You know… I was trying to figure out why you weren't picking up but now I see why… thank you for backstabbing me but let me tell you this: you're going to regret doing this. That's my promise to you, you ugly whore" the tears were there once again. I threw my phone on the bed and when I did, it started ringing again. It didn't take a genius to figure out who was calling so I ignored it.
I also ignored the words my mom had told me downstairs and tried to focus on something I could do right now. I decided to tidy up my room. I didn't know what my dad's reaction to all this would be so I had to be ready for anything. I didn't know if he was going to throw me out but it was definitely a possibility.
Before I knew it my room was spotless and it was already four. I had missed lunch but I wasn't hungry at all so that didn't matter. My mom hadn't called me downstairs and my phone had been ringing off the hook. It seems James had already had a little chat with my dad. His text messages were getting more and more aggressive as they went on. It was funny how I didn't feel scared or angry; I just ignored my feelings altogether. I looked at my room and tried to look for something else to do but came up blank. I knew I had homework but I wasn't in the mood for it. I was anxious for tomorrow to get here so I could leave the house and go to class.
My phone vibrated once again but at the same time I heard my dad's cruiser outside. My heart launched into a double workout. I got up and looked out the window but my dad was still inside the car. I stayed watching him and after a couple of minutes he backed out the driveway and drove off.
I heard my mom coming up the stairs and I decided that I needed something to eat or I would pass out. I didn't feel hunger but I still needed something to eat. When I got to the kitchen I noticed my mom had made Spanish rice with fried chicken. I usually enjoyed this meal so much but looking at it made my stomach churn. It was probably because I hadn't had food in the last 24 hours. I served myself a small amount of food and gave it a try. When I was on my second bite of chicken I heard my dad's car once again.
All of my hunger dissipated and I placed the plate back down. When my dad walked into the house I greeted him politely and he looked at me but kept walking straight upstairs without saying anything back. The tears threatened to resurface but I kept on telling myself that this was my entire fault and the anger I felt towards myself allowed me to swallow all the emotions that were floating around my chest. I got up and started washing the plate when I heard my dad called my name. I went upstairs immediately; knowing what was coming up but decided to just deal with it.
When I got upstairs my dad was standing by the sink in his restroom and my mom was sitting across from him on the side of their tub. I stood by the entrance to their bathroom and looked at them both. My mom was just looking down and my dad looked at me once but then looked away.
"I got an interesting call from your mother today in the morning" he started. "Is it true?"
I felt like I owed it to him to look him in the eye so I just nodded. "She says that you said he forced you is that true?" I looked away on that question. I didn't know what to say. I knew the first time was somewhat consensual. I didn't want to do it but I didn't necessarily say 'no' so I stayed quiet instead.
"Look you're a little old to know the difference between getting your clothes ripped off of you and taking it off yourself so which was it?" his voice was getting thicker and stronger. He was getting mad.
I couldn't say anything so I just looked him in the eye and I suppose he found he's answer there. He put his fist against the sink, not in a violent way but more like trying to hold in his anger. He walked towards me and stood right in front of me. I couldn't take my eyes off of him, he took a deep breath and I just waited. "I can't even look at you right now, get out of my face" he said turning the other way and walking away.
I thought it was impossible to feel more hurt but obviously it wasn't. My heart constricted, yet again, and I could feel a full on crying fit coming on.
I mechanically moved back toward the door and went into my room. I sat on my bed looking out towards my window and I tried to stop my treacherous heart from pounding and the stupid tears from rolling but I couldn't.
I'm sorry daddy. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I don't know for how long I sat there but I faintly heard my phone vibrating still and my dad calling me to his room. I ignored the phone and when I walked into my parent's room I noticed he wasn't dressed in his uniform. He was wearing jeans and a T-shirt instead.
I looked him in the face but he wasn't looking at me. "Yes sir?"
"Officer Mark and Officer John will be here in a few minutes. You're going to give your statement about what happened last night and about him putting his hands on you and I swear Bella if you don't tell the truth…" he didn't finish.
I managed to murmur an "ok" and walked back into my room.
Once in my room, I started pacing back and forth trying to process what was about to happen. What would I tell the cops? This was all happening too fast. My time had run out and I still didn't have a plan. I would have to think as I went. I heard my phone vibrating yet again and looked at it. It was James.
I ignored the call and looked at my text messages instead. There were 53 messages and most of them were from him but some were from Alice, Edward, and even Jasper. I ignored all of them but decided to read some of James' just to try to figure out what had happened between him and my dad.
You are so dead you bitch – J
I raped you? Seriously? – J
Why aren't you picking up your phone you coward? – J
Hahaha you seriously crack me up. I hope you're really ready for all of this to blow up right on your face. You'll regret it. – J
These and many more were the threats that James had sent me. I really couldn't process what I was feeling at the moment. I went back to pacing my room but I wasn't really thinking about anything. It wasn't until I heard a car pull into our driveway that I snapped out of my pacing. I went over to the window and saw Officers Mark and John getting out of their cruisers. Shit!
I felt nauseous and felt like I couldn't breathe. "Bella!" I heard my dad call.
I went downstairs and found Mark and John sitting in our dining table. I knew them both and couldn't process how I felt about having to give my statement to them. I greeted them both and they both gave me a polite smile.
"Charlie told us you need to press charges against someone?" Mark asked.
"Hmm yeah" I muttered still standing at the entrance of our dining room.
"Well let's get started then" said John and thy pointed to a seat in front of them while Mark took out a notepad and a pencil. My dad was sitting on the other side of the table and wouldn't look at me. My mom was nowhere to be seen. She's ashamed of me.
"Bella, can you tell us what happened last night? Your dad said there was a problem with James?" one of them started.
I started telling them what had happened the previous night: James' threats to kill me when I tried to dump him, how he was pounding at my door and wouldn't leave, and how I finally got him to calm down and leave.
"Well that definitely counts as harassment and you can press charges" said Mark.
"That's not all" my dad interrupted. My heart started pounding even harder. Please don't dad!
The officers looked at my dad and then looked back at me.
"Is there something else Bella?" they asked.
I looked at the officers and then at my dad. "Charlie, can we have a minute with Bella please?" Mark asked. My dad cleared his throat, looked at me once, and then walked out of the room.
I looked down to my lap and took a deep breath "I had sex with James but it was unwillingly" I muttered.
"Are you saying he forced you?" asked one of them.
I didn't know what to say. Had James really forced me? Or had I just given in to his demands? This was all so confusing!
"Look Bella, we understand you're young and that these things happen and it's hard to talk about them with your parents. We need to know if James raped you or if you had consensual sex with him"
"Did he hurt you in order to have sex with him?"
"No" I muttered.
After that I stayed quiet and thankfully John asked another question about the previous night.
The officers didn't ask more questions about the supposed rape and for that I was grateful. But I did sign to press charges against James for harassment and petitioned for a restriction order against him. As decided as I was to end things with James I was terrified of what he would do now. I had to do something to make him stay away from me. I just prayed it worked.
I would have to wait on the restraining order. John and Mark were going to have a talk with James and then would get in touch with me. A judge had to sign off the order. After the officers left I went back to my rooms and my parents didn't call on me again for the rest of the day.
I looked at my phone knowing I would find missed calls from James, Alice and Edward. I ignored Alice and Edward because I was not going to deal with that. I looked at my text messages from James.
Pick up the phone Bella! I want to talk to you – J
Baby please I'm sorry –J
I'll get my shit together; I'll never lay a finger on you again. I swear – J
Please Bella… Answer me- J
Damn it Bella! You're pissing me off, pick up the phone! – J
The text messages varied from really sweet one to really angry ones. My stomach churned and turned every time I read one. A few times I had to run to the rest room to empty out my already empty stomach.
I lay in my bed a few hours. I heard my dad leave again but did not step outside of my room at all unless it was to go to the bathroom. I stared at the ceiling trying to calm my nerves and my heartbeat but it was impossible. I knew things were going to get worse but I just didn't know how bad they would get.
I thought about the Cullen's. I needed to keep them out of this problem. If James found out about them he would go even crazier and I could not have any harm done to the Cullen's on my conscience.
I called Alice; it would be easier that way.
"Bella" she answered
"Hey Alice, real quick: I just want to let you know that I am ok and that things with James are done. Please pass the message along to your brother for me. But please, don't call again. I am trying to deal with a lot here ok. I'm okay! I'm very grateful for all you and your brother have done for me. I really am."
"You're not going to call again are you?" she guessed.
"I can't Alice"
"I understand. You should talk to Edward though"
"I can't do that either."
We said our goodbyes and I hung up. That was probably the last time I would talk to a Cullen.
A while after I got a very angry text message from James.
You called the cops on me? – J
Wow have you fucked up! – J
Bella please baby we can fix this. I'll forgive you just please answer when I call – J
The calls were also nonstop. I got two phone calls from Edward but I didn't answer. As much as I wanted to say it hurt, it didn't. I was so wound up and so focused on what would happen next with James that I couldn't possibly think about Edward. He would be okay without me. He was strong. He didn't need someone like me, weak, next to him. James was right. I had no one.
Sunday slowly and painfully came to an end. I heard my dad come back and go straight to his room. Once my mom followed him I went downstairs. I was not the least bit hungry but I knew that if I wanted to wake up and act normal tomorrow, I needed something in my system. I grabbed the same food I had tried to eat during lunch. It was tasteless and I had to force it down with lots of water. When I couldn't eat anymore I went back upstairs.
I got back in bed but had no hopes of sleeping. My body was still wound up and I couldn't make my heart stop beating so fast. James had managed to instill fear in me. He tried calling over and over again. He left a ton of messages and voicemails but I didn't dare open any of them. I was already anxious enough.
When it was late enough to get up, I did and started getting ready to go to school. I put on a T-shirt and some jeans. How ironic. I had been fighting so hard to be me and wear what I wanted and now all I could do was wear what James had always wanted me to wear. I went down the stairs and was about to walk out the door when my dad startled me.
"You're not driving to school today. I'm taking you and picking you up. I don't want him following you." I dared not look at him. I could hear the disappointment and anger in his voice. I didn't need to see it. I walked out and got in the patrol car. I guess I was getting an escort to school from now on. I didn't get to be bothered by it. I had gotten myself into this mess. We rode in silence the whole way there. My dad neither looked at me, nor messed with the radio. I looked out the window the entire time. Yet, the silence spoke for the both of us.
I was sorry. He couldn't forgive me.
When we got to the college, I started getting off.
"At what time do you get out today?" he asked
Without even saying bye, he put the car on drive and left me there in the parking lot. I couldn't hold back the tears and as soon as I could, I went into a restroom to thrown up again. My hands were shaking and I couldn't control myself. I'm sorry daddy.
I got to class my second class late in order to avoid talking to Edward. Some girl was sitting next to him when I got there. I barely looked at him and sat somewhere else.
When the class ended I ran out of there but he caught up with me.
I turned around and looked him in the eye. "Edward please! I am okay. I can't talk to you. Please just leave me alone."
Hurt crossed his eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?" he asked in a low voice. He was giving up.
"Yes, I am"
"Okay. You take care Bella." And with that he turned around and walked away. I looked around nervously waiting to bump into James but I didn't. He had been eerily quiet today. I would have time to think about what had just happened later.
I went to the next classes and although Edward sat next to me in English class, he didn't talk to me. As a matter of fact, he barely looked at me. You've got no one Bella. I kept on repeating the same line over and over again.
When I got out I went straight to the front of the college where I had gotten dropped off this morning. I saw Edward go the opposite way but I didn't bother following his path. I saw the patrol car and I made my way to it.
When I got in I said "hello" but didn't get an answer or a look my way in return so I looked ahead.
It wasn't until we were halfway to our house that my dad cleared his throat.
"I'm going to ask you a question but I am only going to ask once and I want an honest answer Bella" he said in a stern voice.
My heart started beating double time "ok"
"How many times did you have sex with him?"
My heart was beating out of my chest. "Once" I answered.
"Well he's saying that you guys had sex a bunch of times, that you did drugs with him, that you got drunk with him, and that you had sex with him and his friends at the same time"
The words rang so loud in my ear and I could feel myself losing my composure.
My dad finally looked at me. "And how the hell do you expect me to believe you? I obviously can't trust you because you're a liar. At this point his word has more value to me than yours"
"Dad I swear that's not true" was all I said but my voice sounded defeated. I had lost his trust. There was nothing I could do to take this back.
"And that's the person you were dating? Do you not have a brain and know how to make good choices? Damn it Bella!" he screamed and punched the steering wheel.
I flinched but I didn't say anything. I couldn't.
As I stared out the window, I could feel my phone buzzing but I didn't dare look at it while my dad was there.
When I got home, I went straight to my room. My dad left to work again and my mom was in her room. She had stayed home from work today. I looked at my phone and had messages from James, Alice, and Edward.
I looked at Edwards first.
Check your e-mail – E
I figured he was just trying to get me to hear him out. I didn't want to so I moved on to the next text message.
Bella omg please check your e-mail. Something's up – A
Now I had to do a double take. What was wrong?
I quickly logged in to my e-mail account and as soon as the page loaded I started to panic. I looked through two of the e-mails I received and one that I sent then I bolted to the restroom to throw up while tears streamed down my face.
No, no no! What did you do James?
A/N: Well there you go… Hopefully you guys like this one. Let me know what you think. Thanks. See ya next time :)