Okay guys, this is going to be a series of smutty, humorous one shots, ending in some hot femShep/Garrus one on one action. I didn't want to be the first to... *cough* go there, so we can all thank both Amku and Lady Marionette for... er... being the first people to fire up the main cannon and making sure it was safe for use. :P

Warning: I hardly ever beta my stuff; too impatient. Hopefully it's not that bad....

Enjoy, and please review... I love reviews ;).

Chapter 1 - Research

"Officer Vakarian, you have an urgent message at your private terminal."

The smooth and somewhat generic human voice that EDI used for communications gave him a bit of a start. They were in the middle of scanning a methane based gas giant for resources, so he couldn't possibly be needed for an away mission. And he knew that Shepard wouldn't be hailing him so soon after their... conversation. So with a hint of wary curiosity, he flipped opened his terminal. Peripherally, he saw the construct of light that represented EDI was flickering with what he'd have sworn was mirth if he didn't know better. He gave the AI a look, feeling exceptionally silly about the wasted gesture when the hologram merely flickered in response.

Shaking his head he briefly scanned his new messages. He frowned to himself. It had been a while since he had checked his messages, and to his consternation, his mailbox was nearly overflowing with extra-net spam.

No, he did not need an Asari bio-organic compound to help improve the length of his ridges. Delete. No, he had no desire to take a correspondence course on knitting via the hanar extra-net, although he was sure those jellyfish were quite capable at their craft. Delete. No, he had never entered the Volus galactic sweepstakes, and wasn't going to send his financial information to some shady character on Irune to collect his winnings. Delete. And dammit, they were all going to die anyway on this mission regardless of whether or not he forwarded the chain letter originating from the elcor he had a passing acquaintance with on the Citidel, [sincere warning] or not.

Delete, Delete, Delete.

He was about to close his terminal and brush the whole thing off as a practical joke from the AI when he saw that there were a couple of messages from Mordin; neither of them with a subject, although it appeared that the second message had several holo attachments.

He opened the first of the two messages, noticing that the damned AI was flickering even more erratically than before. With more than a hint of apprehension, he began to read.

Officer Garrus Vakarian:

Many ways to relieve stress. Inter-species intercourse not uncommon in Citadel space.

Many ways to help people. Concern for friends paramount.

Warn that human and turian biology not entirely compatible. Can result in injury or severe allergic reaction if bodily fluids ingested. Will locate some educational holos to help reduce risk.

Suggest intense study and repeated review.


If turians could blush, he was sure he'd be almost purple. He shut his console off and jumped back a few steps. How the hell did that amphibian even know? It hadn't even been an hour since his conversation with Shepard, and he was sure that no one had overheard –

He shot a fierce glare over at where EDI was practically flickering in and out of visibility.

"Officer Vakarian, there is one more unread message from Doctor Solus."

"I will get to it later, EDI," he growled, forcing himself to return to his calculations. Where the hell was he? Oh, right, working on an algorithm to attempt to boost the life of the main cannon before it shut down from overuse.

… and that wasn't helping him keep his thoughts focused on his work in the slightest.

"The second message from Doctor Solus is also marked urgent, Officer Vakarian. If you are otherwise occupied, I can forward it on to Commander Shepard."


He had a brief vision of meeting the Cerberus engineer who thought that installing a sentient AI on the rebuilt Normandy was a fine idea... and of wrapping his talons around the poor human's neck.

"I will read the message, EDI. That will not be necessary. At all. Ever."

"As you wish, Officer Vakarian. Logging you out."

With a flick of a talon, he turned the console back on, ignoring the intense feeling of anxiety washing over him, and the resulting nausea in his stomach.

Officer Garrus Vakarian:

Extreme lack of turian-human holos on extra-net; assume relations between species remain significantly impeded from relay 314 incident. Not to worry; human female biology close enough to asari; attaching turian-asari holos for review.

Would like to offer services as holographer for encounter. Consider making educational video to assist future turian-human encounters.

Many ways to help people.

Any questions, more than happy to answer. Doctor-patient confidentiality assured.


Mother of all spirits, he was never going to be able to look the salarian in the face again. Ever.

"Would you like me to play one of the holos for you, Officer Vakarian?"

EDI didn't wait for his answer before the usual ball type thing that represented her consciousness winked out and was replaced by an image of a naked turian male, sitting on the edge of a bed. He couldn't help but notice that the turian was extremely interested in whatever was happening just outside of the range of the holo; unplated and, er, excited.

The turian subconscious mind tends to catalog little details, before the conscious mind catches up. So he noticed the very loud techno based club music playing in the background, the wine glasses sitting half empty on top of the night stand, and the fact that the turian on the bed was rather gifted before he remembered that his door was wide open and anyone could walk in on him at any second.

Sure enough, the holo hadn't even been playing for a full thirty seconds before Rupert piped in from the galley; the mess sergeant's voice tinged with humor.

"What the hell are ya listening to, Vakarian? If I didn't know ya better, I'd think you were playing a bad porn holo."

"Er, sorry! Just some... ah... random soundtrack in the music database. I'll turn it down," he shouted back, feeling his collar ridge heat up.

"EDI, decrease volume 75% right now," he ordered in the turian equivalent of a hiss, and ran to the door to shut it.

In his haste to cover his tracks, it didn't even occur to him to just tell the AI to shut the holo off. Instead, he found himself tampering with the door controls. He checked three times to ensure he had bricked them well enough so that they could only be activated from his side of the door before turning back towards the holo, where the turian was no longer alone in the frame.

A well formed asari maiden had stepped into the picture, fully naked. She had a supple waist, and her light blue skin was subtly freckled. She looked young, delicate, and familiar somehow. Probably one of the dancers from Chora's Den or Afterlife; spirits knew he spent enough time at both clubs to have met plenty of the asari that worked the club circuit. It wasn't all that surprising that one of them would find her way into a holo like this; the sex business was the sex business after all.

Garrus leaned against the wall and watched, despite himself. He was already distracted enough and didn't think he was in the right mental place for performing mission critical calculations. And besides, the holo was already playing, and he really should take the good doctor's advice. He didn't want to hurt Shepard, after all.

Yep, this was all for her benefit. Might as well take some mental notes.

The asari almost slithered her way over to the turian, her hips swaying back and forth hypnotically.

"Hey baby," the asari said in a naggingly familiar voice. Too bad her face was hidden from view; he was really curious now as to which stripper he was watching. "Oooh, you're such a big boy. Is that all for me?"

"You know it, my lovely blue goddess of sex. Now come and get it!"

And suddenly, the nausea came flooding back with a vengeance.

"EDI, any way we can mute the dialogue?" Garrus asked, practically groaning in exasperation. This was the doctor's idea of an educational video? He should have reminded himself that salarians don't engage in sexual reproduction.

"I'm sorry, Officer Vakarian. There is no separate audio track for dialogue in this holo. If it makes any difference, I have pre-screened this holo and can ensure that the main characters do not engage in a significant amount of dialogue."

"Thank you EDI, that was both... thoughtful and at the same time, more than a bit disturbing. Just... reduce volume by another 10%."

"As you wish, Officer Vakarian."

Garrus was starting to feel a bit ridiculous, standing in the main battery, watching badly produced asari holo-porn and not for the first time was wondering what he got himself into when the asari suddenly dropped to her knees in front of the turian. The turian threw his head back with a growl as the asari began to do something with her mouth that had Garrus's head turned almost completely sideways to confirm that, yes, she was doing exactly what he thought she was doing... and that the other turian seemed to be enjoying it tremendously.

That... er... turian females just did not do. The thought of all those sharp teeth around his...

Garrus winced, and yet he found himself completely riveted, focused on the holo, wondering if human females could do... that. Shepard had soft.. plushy... what do they call them? Lips? And her teeth were flat like an asari's, not pointed like a turian's...

The turian in the holo was ripping the mattress underneath him nearly to shreds with his talons in his pleasure.

Garrus swallowed. The damned ship could blow up, and he'd die semi-plated in the main battery, watching asari porn, and thinking about all the various uses of Shepard's lovely, pink mouth...

He'd never be able to look at Shepard's mouth the same way... ever...

His heated thoughts of Shepard's mouth were shattered when an image of Mordin appeared superimposed over the holo. The Mordin figure was pointing at where the turian and the asari were connected.

"Suggest extreme caution: ingestion of dextro-protien based fluids by humans dangerous. Anaphylactic shock possible."

The Mordin figure examined the asari and shook his head disapprovingly.

"Not safe for asari either," the holo Mordin continued. "Have prophylactics suitable to protect --"

A few hasty clicks on his console, and the holo skipped ahead several minutes.

Garrus blinked.

Thankfully, the Mordin figure was gone from the holo, because he was sure would not be able to mentally handle his current and abrupt state of arousal with the image of the doctor in front of him and his well meaning, but thoroughly deflating clinical observations.

The asari was now seated on the turian's lap, her head pillowed on the turian's collar ridge and her lips attacking the turian's neck. The asari appeared to be biting him, as she rocked back and forth on top of him, the two attached as intimately as possible. It wasn't a position normally used by turian's while mating, simply because turian females were all hard angles and even harder exo-plating, and as a result, accessible positions were... limited. The asari, however, had no such difficulty in bending and twisting her soft, supple body to accommodate her companion, who was using one taloned hand to gently knead one of the asari's...

For the life of him, he couldn't remember what they were called. The asari sure did seem to enjoy the turian's attention to them, however.

Shepard's are much nicer, he couldn't help but think. Probably softer too.

He wondered if she'd make noises like that if he touched them...

The turian's other hand was firmly wrapped around the asari's waist as she moved, her flesh vibrating and making a small slapping noise each time she came down on top of the turian. Her movements seemed to be getting more and more irregular with each trip up and down on the turian's lap, and he found himself holding his breath and picturing in his mind pale, peach colored skin instead of asari blue, and the Commander's sensual voice raised in passion and himself in the place of the other turian and ---

--- and the asari's head fell forward in her climax, and she opened her eyes and seemed to stare right at him, and ---

Garrus Vakarian, Turian, former c-sec officer of the Citadel and Gunnery Officer of the Normandy, who had come face to face with his mortality more times than he could count, had never moved so fast in his life.

Delete, Delete, Delete.

There were things he never, ever, ever needed to know about Dr. Liara T'soni, and he could have quite happily gone his entire life none the wiser about. Her post coitus expression being right up there at number one.

Garrus groaned. As if he already wasn't scarred for life as it was.

That was it. The last straw. Mordin asked for it. It was on.

"EDI, can you transcribe a message for me and send it? Oh, and make sure to mark it urgent."

"Certainly, Officer Vakarian."

Dr. Mordin Solus was quietly researching a hypoallergenic salve that he planned on providing for the Commander before her dalliance with the turian. He was proud of himself for his insight; the turian and the human both were so hormonally charged, he was sure that neither one were considering the consequences of engaging in a sexual act without the proper precautions. They were both lucky to have him around to look out for their best interests.

"Dr. Solus, you have a new message at your private terminal. It is marked urgent."

"Thank you, EDI. Checking now."

The salarian doctor tilted his head at the subject of the message. It sounded serious. He put aside his research and began to read...