My name was not Aki.
It was never Aki.
Not until I met him.
But by now, I've been Aki so long
That I can't remember what my real name was.
I was not a sad child in my old life.
Lonely, maybe, but not sad.
I had my parents and my brother
And clothes, and food
And a roof over my head.
I really had everything I could need.
And then I told them I was gay
And my world shattered into a million tiny pieces.
My mother tried
But she doesn't understand
Why her son would choose a lifestyle
That would bring our family such shame.
She would bring home daughters of friends
Explaining she'd only wanted to introduce us
Her eyes filling with hopeless tears
When I said I saw nothing.
My father was in shock.
He got angry with me easily.
He hit me once
But as much as he might like to
He could not beat the sense into me.
My brother would not look at me.
His ghost brother
Who was no longer really there
Just the image of the brother
He once knew.
And then one day
He came into my room
With all the money he had to his name
And handed it to me
And told me to leave
And to be happy
Because I would not be happy here
I promised to call
But I never did.
Who wants to hear from a ghost son
Who can't even remember his own name?
So I started drifting.
I made money when I could
Anyway I could
In ways that I may regret
I haven't decided yet.
And that's how I met him.
He was handsome
When he wanted to be.
He promised me the world for my word.
His experience for my body.
His security for my soul.
And like the fool I've always been
I believed in him
Because I had nothing else to believe in.
He could be cruel.
He would leave me alone
Locked in that house
For days at a time
And send others up in his place
To do whatever they wanted.
And break me
And leave me for him
So he could tape the million tiny pieces
Back together again.
And I stayed
Because he loved me.
He liked me.
He needed me
Because I had no where else to go.
I was not scared anymore.
This was no worse then sleeping in alleys
And eating other people's trash.
Because I always knew what to expect from him:
And so I hardened my heart
And forgot my name
And waited for you
To come save me.