('Cliche Storm...OF DOOM!!')
"I demand that you obey me!"
The shout, a tyrannical sort of statement one would expect to be made by a Dark Lord, was not in fact made by a Dark Lord, though one was present.
The Dark Lord was Ganondorf, quite possibly one of the most badass villains of all time. He stood in a hallway of Hyrule Castle, his sword in his hand, his cloak flowing dramatically behind him as he struck a pose of...
For, you see, Ganondorf had not demanded the obedience of the skinny young man he had just knocked to the floor, though he was thinking about it. Instead, the huge, broad-shouldered Dark Lord, resplendent in his gold-edged black plate armor, stared down at the skinny young man with a distinct expression of curiosity.
The young man, a writer by the name of Davin Sunrider, had, under prodding by The Fangirl, just suggested to the Dark Lord that he might, perhaps, like to pursue the Princess Zelda as a potential romantic interest. Since Ganondorf, being the sole male member of an entire race of warrior women, had, to put it delicately, more female companionship than he knew what to do with, he had not previously considered adding Zelda to his already considerable harem.
He was thinking about it now, however.
What better way to crush the spirit of a conquered kingdom than to parade their royalty in chains before them? Maybe in a nice metal bikini to go with it, perhaps something in gold, with silk.
Hmm. Perhaps Sunrider was on the right track, after all.
However, there was still the strange, annoying voice at his back to deal with. Ganondorf turned his head so that he looked over his shoulder at the young woman floating on a chair-shaped cloud that he had just recently become aware of. She had conversed with Sunrider several times, and Ganondorf had the distinct impression that, not only was she from the same realm as the Dark Lord's Court Comedian, she was evidently under the assumption that Ganondorf could not see or hear her.
Otherwise, she would not have dared shout what she just did at him. Few shouted at Ganondorf, period. Even fewer dared to shout demands.
He stared straight at the young woman with a contemptuous glare, not even bothering to turn fully around to face her. With a flourish of one hand, he dispelled the cloud-chair, dropping the surprised young woman to land heavily on the floor.
"Uh-oh," said Sunrider, still laying on the floor where Ganondorf had knocked him a few moments ago. "I think he knows you're there now."
"Really?" the young woman demanded sarcastically. "You think?"
"What are we going to do now that Ganondorf can see you?" Sunrider said to the girl.
"To begin with," the Dark Lord said dryly, "you could stop talking about him like he is not here."
"Well, crap," said the young woman.
"I know what we can do," said Sunrider, glancing up at Ganondorf. He slowly edged backwards until his hand could take hold of his glasses.
Both Sunrider and the young woman leaped to their feet and sprinted off down the corridor, moving with the speed of fear.
Ganondorf hefted his sword and followed at an unhurried, confident stride. Nothing escaped him, especially not people he had tracking spells on.
That reminded him; he sent an additional five Darknuts to the stables to ensure that Princess Zelda would not get away.
The good part, Ganondorf thought with a smirk, would be springing the trap on them. Gloating was so much fun.
Davin Sunrider and The Fangirl ran for their lives down the corridors of Hyrule Castle. Something was definitely wrong, Davin knew, but he didn't have time to stop and think about it.
However, since his brain worked like that anyway, he had the following thought:
If we're in The Fangirl's imagination, and she's lost control of what's going on in here, does that mean that she's gone insane?
As they ran, Davin looked over at the other young writer. There was no stereotypical gleam of madness in her eyes, only fear. However, since all writers had to be, to some degree, mad to think up the things they did, it was a definite possibility. The line between insanity and genius was a thin one, indeed.
Davin smirked at his clever thought process. Karma is apparently disapproving of boastfulness, however, for just as soon as he finished his clever thought process, he tripped on a wrinkle in the carpet and crashed headlong into a suit of armor along the wall, sending steel plates flying everywhere with indignant clangs.
"Crap," Davin said aloud. "I think I hurt myself somehow. Everything's gone dark. Am I blind?"
"No," said The Fangirl's voice. "You just have the helmet on backwards."
Davin rapped the steel helmet with his knuckles, producing a metallic clank. "That explains it," he said. "Do you mind helping me get this thing off?"
"Yes," said The Fangirl.
"Why?" Davin asked, confused.
"Because we're surrounded, that's why," she answered. "Ganondorf looks rather grouchy."
"Pfft," scoffed Davin, his unwanted headgear giving the exhalation a strange echo. "When does he not?"
"Mostly when my plans are working exactly as expected," an amused, extremely deep voice answered. "Stand up, please."
Davin attempted to obey, but lost his balance and fell over. His helmet cushioned his fall somewhat, but only because he bounced off of something on the way down.
He heard a stifled feminine giggle. "It is really too bad you can't see yourself right now," The Fangirl said, her voice strained with choked-off laughter.
Davin sighed. The only female reaction he was capable of provoking on any kind of reliable basis was laughter, it seemed. That, and pity. And irritation; he was really good at that, though almost never intentionally.
A hand grabbed Davin's collar and yanked him upright, then plucked off the helmet. Davin found himself gazing into the amused amber eyes of Ganondorf, who held Davin's glasses in his other hand. Several huge armored warriors stood with him, cutting off any hope of another escape.
"Here," the Dark Lord said, handing Davin his glasses. "Now come on; we're going to the throne room."
"Why the throne room?" The Fangirl asked.
Ganondorf gave her a puzzled look. "Where else am I going to explain my evil plan?"
"Try not to get stuffed in the dumbwaiter this time," Davin was saying to Link as Princess Zelda's enormous armored escort took her into the throne room at the top of the castle. He glanced over at her as she entered, and she offered him a small smile. He was about to smile back when the Hero made his retort.
"Try to think of something more useful to do than tell jokes," Link shot back. "At least I actually tried, instead of running away like a coward."
Davin raised an eyebrow. "Your hat makes you look silly," he said.
"Not as silly as your helmet hair," Link replied, smirking.
Davin frowned, reaching up to touch his hair. Figured. It seemed like he looked like an idiot more than half the time, despite his best efforts. Somebody up there really didn't like him.
"What is your name?" Zelda asked The Fangirl quietly.
The Fangirl looked back at her with something akin to relief, replying, "My name's-"
"Good, you're all here!" Ganondorf interrupted, striding dramatically down the steps of the throne, his cloak billowing impressively behind him.
That was odd; there was no wind in here. What in the world was making his cloak move around so much?
"I've gathered you all here to inform you of what you will all be doing during the rest of my reign here in Hyrule," Ganondorf said, taking no notice of his impressively sweeping cloak, which leaped back and forth on his shoulders like a restless bird trying to take flight.
"You," he said, pointing at Davin, "will stay on as my Court Comedian, and you will tell me a new, funny joke every day, or I will throw you in the dungeon."
"Uh, okay," said Davin. "I think I can do that."
"Good," said Ganondorf. "And as for you two..." he said, pointing next to Zelda and Link.
A thunderbolt boomed as he paused, just like every movie ever where the villain had captured the heroes and is now stopping to tell them his evil plan and gloat.
"After I take your Triforce pieces, you will go to the dungeon, too. There you will rot for the rest of your miserable little lives, never to oppose me again. With you out of the way, I shall soon rule all of Hyrule, and then, the world!"
Ganondorf threw back his head and had himself a good long evil laugh. He was admittedly very good at it; the thunder even cooperated by crashing several times during his bout of malevolent amusement.
"You'll never get away with this, Ganondorf!" Link shouted defiantly. "We'll escape somehow, and then you'll pay!"
Davin scoffed disgustedly. "What kind of bonehead announces that he's going to try and escape and then threatens his captor?" he demanded of Link. "You might as well just ask him to kill you now!"
He looked back at The Fangirl. "You just had to make him an idiot, didn't you?"
"Bonehead this!" Link snapped, kicking Davin's shin.
Davin, never one to just take that kind of thing, kicked right him back. This prompted Link to kick again, only Davin twisted out of the way, and he missed.
However, this served only to place him within range of The Fangirl's own kick, which landed, squarely and painfully, on his backside.
Ganondorf laughed amusedly. "Most excellent!" he said. "Perhaps you can work with Sunrider in the future; you are hilarious together."
"Oh, great," said Davin. "There's one collaboration I really don't want to do."
"Ugh," said The Fangirl. "Me, neither. We'd end up with a story all full of semicolons, people bashing the crap out of each other with their swords, and cloaks blowing around dramatically. Seriously, Davin; you spend an inordinate amount of time describing cloaks."
"Aha!" Davin said triumphantly. "So you do read my stories!"
"Yeah, I looked at a few," The Fangirl said, shrugging.
"So?" said Davin, ignoring the 'LoZ' characters' puzzled looks. "What did you think?"
The Fangirl gave him a snide look. "My mother always said that if I can't think of something nice to say, don't say anything at all."
Davin's mouth opened in silent outrage, and he spluttered, unable to think of anything intelligent to say just then.
The Fangirl laughed. "Glasses Fish," she said.
Davin growled in irritation. That was it!
"Stop it!" Davin shouted to the heavens. "Whatever it is that I've done to anger who- or what-ever is doing this to me, I am sorry! If it's Karma, I'll grow a mustache and make a list of all the bad things I ever did. If it's somebody else... very funny, the joke's over. I want to go home now, before this gets any weirder!"
He dashed out into the middle of the room, his voice getting louder and more impassioned. "If this is a dream or a trip or some kind of hallucination, I'm ready to wake up now. Because," he pointed up at Ganondorf, "you are a jerk, an absolute kneebiter. Lighten up, dude. You," he said, pointing at Link, "are a sorry excuse for a Hero and an idiot besides, and you," he pointed at the girl standing beside Zelda, "are some special kind of weird for thinking all this up!"
"Hey!" The Fangirl objected. "This was going just great until you showed up. You're the one who's making this weird."
Davin flung out his arms, shouting now at the top of his lungs. "I don't care! I am done! You're all crazy, and I want to get out of here!
"I WANT TO GO HOME!!"
As if in answer, everything suddenly went black, accompanied by the sense of sliding down a very deep, very strange black hole.
Davin gradually perceived that his face was buried in something soft and fuzzy and pliant, and that he was covered with a sheet and blanket. He mumbled unintelligibly to himself as he rolled over and looked around. The room beyond was dark, and as the young writer slowly blinked his eyes, he realized where he was.
He sighed in relief, slumping back against the pillows. "It was just a dream. A horrible, awful, nightmarish...dream."
In the dim light, he recognized the familiar surroundings of his room, lined with bookcases crammed with books, movies, and video games. In one corner sat his beloved recliner chair, his less-than-beloved laptop sitting on the small table next to it.
Davin rolled over to look up at the plain white ceiling, relieved to be here instead of Hyrule. He'd had some strange dreams before, but never anything that weird. It was so detailed!
He threw the blankets aside and sat up, stretching. The carpet was soft and wonderfully warm under his bare feet, a sharp contrast to the frigid stone floors of the castle. He heard the familiar rattle as the heater came to life and then began blowing blessedly warm air into the room.
Davin reached for the cord hanging next to the window and pulled up the shade, casting bright sunlight over his bedroom. It was probably after noon, he thought, from the brightness and the angle of the sun. No wonder he'd had weird dreams; he always dreamed about something bizarre when he slept too late.
He hauled himself out of bed and to the door, which he pulled open. Clad only in his boxers and undershirt, Davin staggered down the hallway to the kitchen in search of coffee. He ran a hand through his sleep-tousled hair as he walked, blinking his eyes several times. It was still way too bright out here; he let his eyes fall mostly closed again.
When his feet touched the cool linoleum of the kitchen, Davin turned right, headed for the coffee machine. Forget the mug; he'd just guzzle it right out of the pot.
As he fumbled for the coffee machine, Davin recognized the sound of the channels on the TV changing, rapidly going from one snippet of conversation to the next. Somebody else was here, he knew, probably his dad. He expected an amused comment along the lines of "It's awake finally!" any moment now.
As his hand touched the handle of the coffeepot, Davin indeed did hear a voice, though it was not the one he expected.
"What is the purpose of this?" a disturbingly familiar deep voice asked. "Are these beings aware of their condition, or do they not know you have captured their souls within this glass-fronted box?"
Davin's eyes shot fully open with horror.
Author's Note: Well, that's it. The End. Fade to black, 'Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.' Davin the Dark Side Comedian will not return.
Unless you demand a sequel. ;)
This was an entertaining little diversion, but I think it's about time I got back to my other, more serious stories now. I can only sustain a humor story for so long; you wouldn't think so, but comedy is a lot harder than serious fiction, unless you're in a silly mood, which I fortunately was for the last little while. I was starting to lose my 'silly streak', so it was time to end the story before it just devolved into random weirdness. (Pfft! Too late!) ;)
Much thanks to all who read and reviewed. Special thanks to HAL-9001 for some of the jokes(especially the one with the giant and the wizard), as well as others who kindly provided suggestions.
Thanks for reading,
(The real one) ;)