This is my first Fan Fic so please be nice!!
Any constructive critisim is greatly appreciated, I would love to hear your views and what you think I can improve on.
Thanks for reading.
I dont own Twilight Stephanie Meyers does... I just own a heap of Twilight goodies!
My life sucks, no really it does!
I have hardly any friends, no social life, no family that I talk to and so much baggage even Heathrow airport couldn't deal with it all.
It wasn't always like this though, I was popular once, I had friends, GOOD friends, a social life, I even had a boyfriend, even if he was a possessive drunk! I had a life. My family meant to world to me and despite all their faults they were incredible and even though I didn't admit it out loud I really did miss them.
My life came grinding to a halt 20 long months ago and since then nothing has been the same. I don't live anymore I simply exist.
My family hated me, quite rightly too and everyone I knew turned their backs on me and all because of him and my incredible selfishness and stupidity.
If I had known then what I know now things would have turned out so differently and I wouldn't be here feeling so much guilt and pain.
The joy of hindsight eh?
I cant help but think that if I hadn't brought him into our lives I would not have lost everyone I have ever cared about.
As much as I wanted to blame this all on him I knew this was just as much my fault as it was his. I hated him with all of my being, but I hated myself even more.
I sit in the middle of starbucks as I do every week wallowing in self pity, hating everyone that walks past me and wishing my life was as easy as theirs and wait for my room mate and best friend Angela. We had been living together for about 18 months now and she was incredible. She had taken me under her wing when I arrived and held me as I poured my heart out to her which lately seemed to be a lot. I owed her so much but she never expected anything in return for her kindness and that made me love her all that much more. She listened to me and didn't judge me and I would be eternally grateful to her for that. But despite being fantastic and incredible I felt terrible but I could not help thinking .. she's not Jess.
London really was miserable at this time of year, It rained a lot and when it wasn't raining it was so cold. I was used to the rain, it rained constantly back home.
When I first got here I was totally overwhelmed by all of the people. There were people everywhere I hated it, but I knew that being somewhere as big as London there was a very small chance I would be found but at the same time I didn't think I would ever be able to get used to the hustle, bustle and the constant noise. I was used to being in a relatively small town where everyone knew me and my business which is one of the main reasons I decided to leave. Too many people knew what had happened and I didn't like that. The tube was the worst place to be, I would get barged into like I wasn't even there. After getting elbowed in the ribs by a very anti social old woman I decided public transport was NOT for me and I haven't been on one since. Do these people not know the word 'excuse me'?
I had never lived in a big city before so this was all so new to me and quite frankly rather scary. I got anxious around big groups of people, I wasn't used to it and found myself feeling really claustrophobic, so I tended to avoid crowds. So much so that we did our food shopping at the 24 hour Tesco's not far from where we lived so I didn't get trolley rage or have a meltdown around all of the people. There was hardly anyone there at 2 in the morning so it as perfect. I didn't sleep much anyway so why bother wasting time lying in bed staring at the ceiling when I could be doing productive with my time like grocery shopping. Plus doing it at 2am meant that I wouldn't be tempted to run over any old people with my shopping cart.
Me and Ang had this gorgeous 3 bedroomed Victorian house in Hammersmith in Greater London, It was a beautiful place and we had turned it into a home but It wasn't MY home if that makes any sense. Angela's late aunt Gwen had left the house to her in her will and the mortgage was fully paid so we didn't have any rent to pay which was a massive bonus. It was stunning, with a really nice garden for Angela's labrador Max to run around in.
Angela's aunt wanted to keep as many of the period features as she could within the house. She left the beautiful bay windows in place even though she was one of the only ones left in the street to have them, she didn't care. She said it gave the house character.
The windows weren't the modern double glazed plastic ones, she retained the old sash windows. They were very pretty and did give the house a little something extra.
When I first got here I always remember the strange cross like pattern that was built into the wall with coloured bricks. I had never seen anything like that and found it rather pretty.
There were fireplaces in almost every room which again I found rather odd. They weren't used but they made the rooms look beautiful. I even had one in my bedroom but instead of wood in it I had a really pretty huge green vase with some artificial flowers sitting there.
The house had 3 floors and even had a basement but I never went down there. I believe Angela kept her Aunt Gwen's belongings down there as she couldn't bare to part with them. I had never met her, but she seemed like a lovely woman. Angela had lived with her in this very house from the age of 8 after her parents were killed in a car accident. So I understood her reluctance to part with her belongings.
Obviously the house had been made up to date with central heating and decoration but you could still tell it was an old house. I really did love it, it had so much character. Yeah, I know. I'm being all sentimental over a house. What can I say? I'm gonna miss the place!
I knew we needed to talk, she did too. Since I had a huge meltdown at her birthday party a few weeks ago things had been strained, she understood why it had happened but that didn't make me feel any less guilty and shitty for ruining things. All I seem to do lately is cry, scream, shout, lash out and then feel like shit for breaking down.
I knew exactly what I needed to do and it was scaring the living shit out of me, but for the sake of my sanity and everyone else around me I needed to face my fears before the men in white coats came to cart me away. I had been thinking about it for a while but I didn't have the courage to actually to something about it.
Attacking one of Angela's boyfriends best friends even though it was totally mortifying and quite frankly one of my most embarrassing situations of late it was almost a blessing in disguise, it finally gave me the kick up the backside I needed to admit I needed help.
I couldn't help but chuckle to myself recalling the look on that poor blokes face after I belted him black and blue with my handbag for trying to help me off the floor after I fell off my death trap heels. I don't even know what the hell happened, I was enjoying myself which was rare, I knew it wouldn't last. I drank too many tequila slammers and that combined with 4 inch heels was a recipe for disaster and I ended up arse over tit on the dance floor.
He only helped me up and I just freaked out and started battering him and screaming for him to get the fuck away from me. Its not funny really but If I didn't laugh at my ridiculous actions chances are I would cry and not stop!
Just then Angela arrived. She sat down and smiled warmly at was such a sweet person I knew what I was about to do would hurt her but she would understand it was for the best and being the lovely person I knew she was she would support me fully in my decision.
'Hey Bells, how are you doing?' She asked while looking down and picking at her magenta coloured nail varnish.
'I'm good thanks Ang, I really need to talk to you though'
'Yeah, I know' she replied.I could see that she knew what was about to come and that made me feel even worse. So I took a deep breathe and started.
'Ang I appreciate everything you have done for me, you have been my rock through this entire nightmare and without you I dread to think what the hell would have happened to me.. but these last few weeks have really put things into perspective for me and I know what I need to do. Please don't be mad at me, you know this is nothing that you have done. You and Ben have been incredible but this cant go on... I need to go home'.
K what do you all think? Pants? Okish? should I bother carrying on?