by SkyFire
(IJ/LJ: rabid_plotbunny)

Rated: PG (Inuyasha's mouth)
Pairings: None.
Summary: Sesshoumaru discovers that death is not the end. crack!fic.

Author's Note: Uh, yeah. Got bit by a random plotbunny this morning, and this is the result. Blame the bunnies! What can I say? The first two paragraphs popped into my head, and the ending, and the rest is history. I'm sorry. ...Wait, no I'm not. Mwahahahahaha! ;P Enjoy!

by SkyFire

"I can't believe you got hit by a bus!" Inuyasha snickered, obviously tickled pink by the arrival of the daiyoukai to the afterlife. "At least I died in battle!"

"Shut up, half-breed," Sesshoumaru snarled. "And since when is a two-for-one deal at a ramen shop a battle?"

Inuyasha glared. "It should be. Did you see my body? I was trampled into a pancake! And don't change the subject. You, the great daiyoukai Sesshoumaru, Lord of the fucking West, Mr. I'm-so-great-my-shit-don't-stink, got squished by a bus!"

A flesh-rending glare from icy golden eyes. "I was not 'squished'," he denied. "I was struck down in a surprise attack-"

"Pfft! Face it, Fluffy. You were pulverized by a bus. And Kagome said that those things weren't dangerous. Yeah, right. It took you down, and that makes it dangerous. I can't wait to tell her 'I told you so' next time I see her!" Inuyasha almost preened, reassured of his own superiority when it came to picking out things that wanted to kill him. That reminded him... "What had you so distracted that you didn't see the huge, smelly, noisy metal contraption coming straight for you, anyway?"

Sesshoumaru, for the first time since he was a pup, mumbled something unintelligible.


"I said: 'I was reading the red thing and didn't see it'!"

"Reading the red thing? What red thing? I don't remember a red thi-" Inuyasha trailed off as he remembered one 'red thing' from his visit to see Sesshoumaru's body when the daiyoukai first appeared. He snickered, which turned into a laugh, which turned into full-voiced guffaws as tears of laughter rolled down his cheeks and he almost fell over because he was laughing so hard. "You can't be serious! The great Sesshoumaru, flattened by a bus because he was doing the doggie thing and checking out a fire hydrant!"

To the daiyoukai's mortification, he could feel his face heat with an embarrassed blush. His ears burned, too, and he knew they would be a red to match his markings. Even worse, as far as he was concerned, was the fact that he couldn't deny it. "I... couldn't help it. It was so... interesting...."

"Uh-huh, sure. I can't wait to see you try to explain that one to the old man!"

This time his mortification was plainly painted across his face. "Father? He's here?"

"Duh. This is the afterlife. He's dead, like us, so where else would he be?"

"...Ruling the underworld?" Sesshoumaru said at last in a tiny, hopelessly hopeful voice Inuyasha had never heard from him before.

"Nah. Said he'd had enough of paperwork and dealing with morons back when he was alive. Now he runs a yakitori stand down by the Hall of Judgment."

"Yakitori...?" the former Lord of the West said weakly. "I'm the heir to a yakitori stand?!"

"Yup. Not that that really means anything. I mean, we're already dead, so it's not like you'll get a chance to inherit it or anything...."

"That is more true than you know," came a disembodied voice from out of the blue. Literally. There was a misty blue cloud floating next to them and the voice came from it.

Sesshoumaru glared at the cloud, then swiped at it with his poison claws. "Who are you to know this Sesshoumaru's fate?"

"Uh, Sesshoumaru?" Inuyasha cut in. He waved at the cloud. "This is Lumi's messenger cloud. He's one of the head honchos down at the Hall of Judgment, and one of the guys that decides what happens to people when they get here. You know, if they'll get reincarnated, left alone, or vaporized. That sort of thing. You might want to play nice." A pause. "Or just be yourself. Don't worry, I'll pop in and laugh at you when you get reincarnated as a slug."

"Inuyasha, enough. Sesshoumaru, we, the Judges of the Afterlife, yadda yadda, call you down to the Halls, yadda yadda, evalutate your life, blah blah blah, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, and so on and so forth. Then we'll see what we're going to do with you."

"No one but this Sesshoumaru decides what he will do!"

"Oh, really?"


Sesshoumaru smirked inwardly.

He had been to the Hall of Judgment in the afterlife as requested. They had reviewed his rather bloodthirsty and power-hungry life and decided that he would be put to work scrubbing the grout and toilets in the public washrooms of the Hall for the next few centuries to learn some humility. He'd told them exactly where to shove that idea and told them that he was not only not going to be doing any scrubbing, he was also not taking his place as a yakitori vendor under his father and was going to be reincarnated instead with his memories fully intact.

It took a few days of arguing and intimidation on his part, but they finally saw things his way and there he was.

Being born was a disgusting and traumatizing experience and he was glad that he only had to go through that once. After was nice, though, as his new mother - at least he assumed it was his new mother, since like all pups his eyes and ears were still closed as they finished developing - cleaned him and he got to drink her warm milk and cuddle with his new siblings like he never had before.

And why was that, anyway? Who ever heard of a dog having a litter of one? The next time he saw his father, he was going to ask him why he hadn't had any siblings in his first life.

Time passed.

His fur grew a little thicker, his claws sharper, his nose more sensitive. To his great pleasure, this time around he had two tails of his very own, just like his father had before. After a while, his ears opened and he could hear, though mostly he listened to his mother's heartbeat and the mews and squeaks of his littermates.

At last, he knew that this was it. It was time for his eyes to open, and for him to start rebuilding his previous life from the ground up. It would take some time, but eventually he would take his place once again as the most feared dog demon in the land!

Then his eyes opened.

He raised his head on his still-wobbly neck, looked up and saw his new mother for the first time.

The world as he knew it came to a screeching halt and imploded.

'WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS OUTRAGE?!' was the thought that echoed in his head, accompanied by the thought that the Judges in the afterlife hadn't been quite as cowed as he'd thought they were.

The sound that came from his little throat, however was a pissed-off sounding "MEOW?!"


Muahahahaha! Sesshy got reincarnated as a kitty! A two-tailed demon kitty, but still. Kitty. Some times I'm just eeeeeevil. ;P

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