Author's notes: This is all meant to be in good fun, and is not aimed at any specific authors or Mary Sues. Any resemblance to a Sue you might have written is purely a coincidence.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hogan's Heroes or any of the characters; I merely borrow them and play with them for a while.

The original idea for a Mary Sue alphabet poem is not mine but belongs to Irony-chan. Permission to use it has been asked and granted.


A is for Allison

A true flying sensation
Who has earned Hogan's
Respect and admiration
As Curse of the Luftwaffe
She is commonly known
Has hundreds of kills
From the missions she's flown
A pilot ace unmatched
Why, right next to her
The Red Baron was naught
But a bumbling amateur

---

B is for Brigitte

She believes war is wrong
And secretly wishes
Everyone got along
But with father an officer in the SS
And mother a friend of Eva Braun
Who can blame poor Brigitte
For being gloomy and down
So she agrees to spy for the Allies
Our Heroes need only say please
And soon the military might of the Reich
Has been brought to its knees

---

C is for Christy

Here she is in Stalag 13
A brat of epic proportions
A snotty insult machine
Already in her first day at camp
She waltzes up to Klink
Informing him snidely that
"Hey Kraut, you really stink!"
A mystery why she isn't in the cooler
Perhaps intervention from an evil god?
Well, no one really knows
But dare we at least hope for a firing squad?

---

D is for Denise

Being as perceptive as she is
A mere glance is enough for Denise
Their innermost secrets she won't miss
Whereas others only at first
See Newkirk the crook and the thief
She spots the good guy beneath
And that Kinch harbours an old hidden grief
Hogan's cockiness is only a facade
He's a caring man at heart, she reckons
After in the Heroes' presence having spent
A grand total of three seconds

---

E is for Else

Poor Newkirk is on the run
After a botched mission
A bullet from an SS gun
And he's down for the count
Good thing he was quickly found
By a farmer girl who made sure
His wounds were tenderly bound
And soon he was healed
Just like one, two, three
Amazing what some can do
Without even a medical degree

---

F is for Florence

She had a brilliant plan:
"If the Army won't take a girl
I'll dress up as a man!"
Hair cut and chest wrap
No one saw through her clever disguise
Not until she ended up in Stalag 13
And to everyone's utter surprise
Revealed the dastardly truth
Still, the reader strongly doubts
She even got through boot camp
Or a strip-search by the Krauts

---

G is for Gabrielle

The author's notes unconvincingly say,
"I wrote this story real quick
Like in half an hour, but I hope it's okay"
Well, maybe that explains why
Gabrielle's hair starts out as fine-woven gold
And then changes to deep crimson
But there will be romance, so we're told
When Newkirk shows up, oh, it's gonna click
Between him and this strange chameleon chick
Perhaps we should all be glad
There is only one chapter of this fic

---

H is for Heather

Hogan's equal in rank
A full colonel, indeed
Brave, assertive and frank
Pair of eagles on her collar
Orders the men into formation
That the military back then
Was an all male installation
Is conveniently ignored
Heather's rank is a mystery
But that's alright, 'cause
Eh, who cares about history?

---

I is for Ilsa

A cruel Gestapo officer indeed
Who kills and tortures for fun
Laughs as her poor victims bleed
Why, she even kicks puppies
Her heart as black as the night
But all it takes is a certain colonel
And lo, Ilsa embraces the light
Evil deeds are renounced
As she and Hogan soon get it on
If every German turned this easily
WW2 would already be won

---

J is for Jen

Men in the 40s were all sexist dopes
In need of some enlightenment
So to show our Heroes the ropes
Along comes a female POW
"Women can do more," preached Jen
"Than just give birth and cook
We are as able as you men
To fire guns and pilot planes"
Perhaps we'd all be more at ease
If this story didn't read
Like a feminist propaganda piece

---

K is for Katrina

The Allies or the Reich?
Well, choosing sides isn't easy
When British and German blood alike
Flow in your veins
Her soul and heart hang low
With loyalties torn in two
There's drama, angst, and woe!
But all it takes is a Hero
And a romance, a fling
For us to count on Katrina
To do the right thing

---

L is for Laurie

A great leader of the resistance
Braver and stronger than anyone else
She fights with admirable persistence
The SS, Gestapo officials and torture
Bring it on, nothing scares Laurie!
But when the mission is over
And we reach the end of the story
A trace of weakness can be seen
As she falls into Hogan's embrace
Will there be trouble in Paradise? Guess not
Because of Tiger there's no single trace

---

M is for Melissa

Melissa is her name
But to Waltraud, too
She can lay claim
Natassja comes next
But it doesn't end just yet
The author must first point out
That she also goes by Yvette
And last name is Nakamura
Her pedigree is not told, but
In the mind of the reader rises
The image of a street mutt

---

N is for Nicole

The Allies have an ace in the hole
A secret weapon, an undercover agent
A girl by the name of Nicole
The most brilliant spy you'll ever see
She's simply outstanding, the very best
High SS officers eat out of her hand
In Berchtesgaden she's a regular guest
Friends with Göring and Himmler both
Marya, you might as well retire
Because you don't hold a candle
Against this spying genius in skimpy attire

---

O is for Odette

Being a trained soldier at war
She should know better than to think
That salutes are a needless chore
But instead for our Heroes
There are plenty of hugs to be had
And being on first name basis
Surely can't be all that bad?
Try as the reader might
Nowhere can there be seen
Even a trace of military respect
From this girl of barely sixteen

---

P is for Paisley

An American linguistic master
Tags along with the Heroes
And neatly diverts disaster
When the SS get suspicious
And on our group crack down
She turns out to speak German
Like a native of Hammelburg town
Switches languages like hairstyles
Converses in Russian with ease
Speaks French with LeBeau
And Italian? Why, it's a breeze!

---

Q is for Quinn

Maybe it was a fluke, or an evil curse
But somehow the TV sucked her in
And she ended up in HH universe
In Stalag 13, she got plenty of stares
In her tank top and tiny skirt
But that was alright with her
Just made it easier to flirt
She turned Stalag 13 into her new home
Avoiding detection by the Bald Eagle
But it's never explained why Hogan
Would fall for a girl who's not even legal

---

R is for Ruslana

A true daughter of Soviet land
She downs Vodka like water
With a Kalashnikov in hand
Can drink any man
Right under the table
And comes complete
With fur cap and Cossack sable
Always says da and kamrad
Better stay out of the way
'Cause this woman is naught
But a walking cliché

---

S is for Stephanie

With Stephanie around, camp life is fun
And Stalag 13 suddenly full of pranks
Stealing poor old Schultz's gun
A bucket of water falling on Klink
Yeah, war is fun, didn't you know?
Nothing wrong with harassing the Krauts
They did it all the time in the show
A true riot she is, hilarity all around
So much that the reader can't wait
Until she pulls one on Hochstetter
And a firing squad is her ultimate fate

---

T is for Teresia

A new prisoner is arriving
Ye gods, it's a woman!
However, she's soon thriving
Being the only female around
Strangely, there are no hints of abuse
Or of harassment or groping
From all the deprived male POWs
She traipses around the compound
Makes the air smell like flowers
But how she will cope when she learns
That Stalag 13 only has co-ed showers

---

U is for Ursula

A real fighter, this American girl
Grew up on the streets, she did
Step, punch, kick and whirl
And the cocky, arrogant guy
Who believed girls could not fight
Is now down on the ground
Hurting and shivering in fright
Knowing karate and judo both
This girl knows how to impress
But how did she ever learn
Arts that hardly existed in the US?

---

V is for Valerie

Poor Hogan, his day started out bad
When he spotted the new POW arrival
His little sister, all uniform-clad
Saluting and grinning like mad
While she quickly explained
How she in his absence joined up
Then got shot down and detained
And ended up in Stalag 13
So now Hogan is busy, as it stands
Protecting his dear little sister
From Newkirk's wandering hands

---

W is for Wendy

This girl gets herself out of a pinch
Fooling Clink and Burkholder both
Then moving on to befriending Kintch
And joking with Sergeant Shulz
But should someone point out
That the names are all wrong
The writer will sullenly pout:
"Well, who cares about them
They're minor characters all
This story is about Wendy
Now go away, or I'm gonna bawl!"

---

X is for Xena

Youngest pilot in the Air Force
A mere fifteen but an adult at heart
She downs Stukas without remorse
How is this possible, one might ask?
Well, her father's a colonel
And we can all assume
That a bit of paternal
Patronage goes a long way
But it doesn't matter, at any rate
Age is only a number, as they say
So now Xena pilots her own P-38

---

Y is for Yasmin

Yasmin, ah, the most perfect creation!
As she walks across the compound
The prisoners all gape in admiration
Tight uniform hugging every curve
With a shapely figure she's been blessed
Thick raven curls falling down her back
Under her jacket heaves an ample chest
The smile of a heavenly angel
She has eyes of amethyst green, this Sue
Except when she's angry
And they turn a sparkling celestial blue

---

Z is for Zandra

A girl shouldn't have to choose
With so many handsome guys around
Besides, our Heroes will hardly refuse
So she cuddles with Hogan
And throws LeBeau a kiss
Then smooches with Newkirk
This greedy little miss
As she gets alone with Carter
There's a peck and a clinch
But as usual there's no
Action for ol' Sergeant Kinch


End note: Some time ago I posted a similar parody poem over in the Transformers section of ffnet. Some readers were amused, others were not. Let's see how it flies in this fandom. ;)